Distribution Day

Every week you are treated to a brand new, highly entertaining, eagerly awaited Beacon. Surely you have seen them appear all across campus, usually some time Monday evening. But did you ever stop to think about how those Beacons arrive at their posts? No, it's not tiny gnomes. Those Beacons are brought to you courtesy of the hard-working writers and editors. Here we present simple instructions for distribution, should you ever choose to join the ranks of the insane- er, the creative.

1. Arrive at Beacon office around 3:30, mentally exhausted from 2:00 class where the students decided to argue points of morality and politics instead of literary terms.

2. Drop bags on floor / couch /other flat surface and collapse.

3. Realize that collapsing is accomplishing nothing, and fetch key to service elevator.

4. Fight with elevator key for ten minutes or so, with the help of four others, before finally getting it to turn and begin the incredibly slow process of calling said elevator.

5. Return key to owner, for fear of loss and subsequent death.

6. Ride down elevator, in fear of sudden drops. Stop at every floor at least once, despite having pressed only one button. Be amazed when elevator stops twice on second floor- once for the front door, once for the back.

7. Watch fellow staff members attempt to catch invisible killer gnats from midair throughout scary elevator ride.

8. Exit elevator on basement level.

9. Be frightened by killer mutant bug of doom, twenty times it's original size, hissing from the radiation-emitting light above.

10. Reach loading dock, realize papers have not arrived, and return to office to wait.

11. Repeat steps 3 through 10 at nauseum, or until delivery van arrives.

12. Travel down scary elevator again, this time with scary metal cart that doesn't steer straight, and load papers into said cart.

13. Traipse back up to third floor, again stopping on every single floor.

14. Transfer several- somewhere around 8 or so- bundles of papers into small red wagon.

15. Take small red wagon- waaaay overloaded- down regular elevator, frightening the other passengers.

16. Head up the evil hill of doom towards the dining hall, trying not to slip and release the wagon, causing it to crush anyone downhill from your position.

17. Repeat step 16 in various positions of hill�up, down, sideways�and discover that wagons going downhill behind you are very bad, very dangerous devices.

18. Continue until bundles are gone. Return wagon, via elevator (unless it's broken, again, in which case carrying it up the stairs becomes necessary), and hand carry bundles to distant corners of the campus.

19. Retire to room to await next week's distribution.

So now you know what your faithful Beacon staff goes through every week to ensure that you, our reader, is supplied with entertainment and information.

I hope you're happy.

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