2. Visit scary advisor and obtain said secret code.
3. Spend three weeks planning and plotting the perfect schedule.
4. Call up scary monotone phone people.
5. Spend a half an hour listening to �For blah, press one, for blah blah blah, press two.�
6. Find out that all perfectly planned classes are full.
7. Spend another week planning a second, slightly less than perfect schedule.
8. Engage in another phone session with scary monotone phone people.
9. Discover that a hold has been put on your registration �due to complications in billing.�
10. Call scary monotone operator for number to the Bursar�s.
11. Wonder, �Was that a live person?�
12. Call Bursar�s.
13. Be transferred to an answering machine.
14. Attempt to leave message, only to hear another scary monotone voice telling you that �Answering machine is full.�
15. Call main number to Bursar�s office again, slightly irked.
16. Be transferred to a second answering machine.
17. Hear a familiar monotone voice saying happily (and you think somewhat smugly), �Answering machine is full.�
18. Repeat steps fifteen, sixteen and seventeen enough times to induce mental breakdown.
19. Call up mommy, wailing in frustration.
20. Make the thirty-mile hike to the Bursar�s office during a blizzard, flood, tornado, earthquake, or whatever natural disaster happens to strike this time.
21. Enter Bursar�s office.
22. Pitch tent in back of line, crawl inside, open War and Peace, and begin reading.
23. Emerge a week later, hungry and smelly (from lack of food and shower, respectively).
24. Find out that the person you need to speak with is �out to lunch.�
25. Crawl back in tent for another week.
26. One week later, emerge again, and threaten to cause grievous bodily harm via said copy of War and Peace unless you get some answers, dammit!
27. Smile sweetly at the trembling worker who dares approach and inquire about your billing status.
28. Jump through a few small hoops, walk a few thin wires, leap a few tall buildings, climb Mount Rushmore and juggle thirty-seven fire-engulfed �Master Schedules,� and receive you answer.
29. Put your full-length novel away, shoulder your backpack, collapse your tent, and make the hike back to civilization.
30. Call scary monotone people and spend another three days on the phone, achieving a schedule that is exactly the opposite of everything you wanted.
We at William Paterson University promise you that if you follow these thirty simple steps, your results will be completely horrifying and stress inducing as well.
Individual results may vary.
(Written by Jennifer Sinclair, her colleague Satan�s Little Helper, and a hardworking staff of 47 and a half dust-bunnies).
Keep Jen company in her shoebox. Email her at [email protected]
Brace yourself for the Shoebox
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