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Press Release For Immediate Release, April 19, 2003.
Public Broadcasting is planning a three-hour special on Plecia nearctica . The series will cover habitat, feeding and mating habits and will focus on the effect on the economy if action is not taken. Their announcement follows a heads-up by the Fish and Game Commission that is drafting a proposal for hatch and release to compensate for the needless slaughter of Plecia nearctica.
A study by the Environmental Protection Agency is rumored to be in the works and is expected to find Plecia nearctica an endangered species that must be protected and a program to acquire habitat for the animal will be implemented. Fines and other methods of encouraging participation in the program are to be proposed. States that are in compliance will be justly rewarded, an un-named spokesman has implied. On another but related matter Cullcoides furens ** is under study to determine if it and other similar species*** will fall under the auspices of the program.
This follows release of an important study on the reproductive habits of Plecia nearctica .
The privately conducted research study found:
1) That coitus interruptus as practiced in the Southern United States results in great pain and life-long suffering to the individual(s).
2) It is possible to avoid the loss of life if the subject population is moved from rural areas to more populus, friendly climes.
3) That speed kills.
The Sierra Club has been implicated in an emerging scandal of payoff by the pesticide industry, big oil and automobile manufacturers (both domestic and foreign). By the club failing to act in a timely manner and bring this matter to the public’s attention, it is estimated that an entire generation of the endangered species has been decimated.
Senator Barbara Boxer’s office, neither confirms or denies that she has taken a position on the issue, but it is known that she is in favor of banning carbon-dioxide emitting vehicles from areas where Plecia nearctica are known to exist.
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton’soffice did not respond to calls. But an unnamed source has disclosed that she and her husband will seek funds for the relocation of the immigrant population to a protected environment.
Hans Blix said that this woeful act of population destruction would be studied and that he was sure that the weapon of mass destruction has been identified. It remains for the United Nations to bring the case before The Hague so that the perpetrator(s) can be brought to justice. Meanwhile Dr. Blix insist that his staff of investigators be permitted to return to the field to continue their search for other weapons of mass destruction. Additional funding is desperately needed.
Senator Tom Daschle is reported to have said that he is Grievously Concerned This form of species extinction by coitus interruptus must not be condoned Mr. Daschle has been cautioned by the Church to refrain from implying in any way that his actions are sanctioned by the Holy See.
Governor Jeb Bush of Florida and ex-President George Bush (the First) have been silent on this issue which could have important political ramifications.
Florida’s Senator Robert (Bob) Graham is expected to make an announcement that he has decided to run for President and that he is not in favor of protection of Plecia nearctica . He said that this will probably be a plank in his platform, separating him from those Democrats that Mugwump**** the issue. However, in checking his notes, he finds that he has already made the announcement to run for President and that he is in favor of protecting endangered species regardless of cost, and regrets that he supported the President in his first votes on this important issue. He intends to chair a Congressional Committee for analysis to see who knew what and when..
ex-President William Jefferson Clinton, an expert on coitus interruptus, is on a world-wide speaking tour promoting understanding of the meaning of the word, is and was unavailable for comment. It is understood that he will be in California to support Gray Davis in his bid to retain the office of Governor. Having withstood the impeachment proceedings of Congress, he will advise Davis on how to place blame for “ones own weaknesses” on those that seek to destroy.
* Plecia nearctica Love Bugs
** Cullcoides furens Sand gnat or no-see-ums
*** Other species Buffalo gnat.
**** Mugwump - A politician with his mug on one side and his wump on the other side of a fence or issue. Latest example; Senator Jeffords. *****
n. b. Love bugs arise from the swampy areas of Florida and in a joint coupling, fly along the roadways. They leave a gooey mess on the front of vehicles which if left overnight etches paint and dries to a shellac like hardness that resist efforts of removal from impacted surfaces. The mating ritual occurs with sometimes as many as four hatchings occurring in a single year, dependent upon rainfall.
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