New Security Acts for Malaysia

KUALA LUMPUR APR 16 (Seachange Malaysia) – In Parliament today, Deputy Prime Minister Abdullah Badawi unveiled a package of emergency regulations that he said were essential for dealing with the current national crisis. These are meant to complement the Internal Security Act, which has already served the government well.

According to Pak Lah, some seriously misguided people have advocated repealing the ISA. “But bombs and grenades would have exploded all over Kuala Lumpur on the so-called ‘Black 14’ had not the Act allowed police to act swiftly in arresting seven terrorists without having to bother with investigations, proofs, evidences, or stuff and nonsense like that” he said. “It is clear that the country needs more of these types of Acts.”

First among these new measures is the External Security Act. This, Pak Lah explained, will be used to detain indefinitely without trial, foreign reporters in the country as well as locals working for foreign news agencies. According to the DPM, “badmouthing of the government and our beloved PM Mahathir has reached such intolerable levels in the foreign press as to make the ESA a necessity. How else can we protect ourselves against foreign neo-colonists and their local agents?”

Next, Pak Lah unveiled the BN Security Act. This, he said, was designed to stem further erosion of support for BN after the Coalition’s frightful loss in the Lunas by-election. It would also be a pre-emptive strike against the Opposition in future by-elections and in the 2004 general elections. The BNSA will allow police to detain any person suspected of being an Opposition voter before the start of an election and until the election is over so as to improve BN’s showing at the polls.

Also proposed is the UMNO Security Act which will be used to detain any UMNO member defecting or planning to defect to the Opposition. Under the Act, police will be allowed to use any suitable torture or brainwashing techniques deemed necessary to re-convert the traitors. Pak Lah warned that without this measure, the UMNO titanic could well sink.

After this, there was an uproar in Parliament when Pak Lah announced the Kangaroo Security Act. When several MPs commented that there were no kangaroos in Malaysia, the DPM berated them for their stupidity. The KGA, he explained, “would ensure continuance of the fine tradition of kangaroo courts in this country. Judges who fail to deliver judgments pleasing to the government risk being arrested under this Act. In jail, they would be forced to study the judgments of Augustine Paul and Arifin Jaka, two of the finest kangaroo judges the country has ever produced. They would have to sign an agreement before being let out.”

Next, the Crony Security Act was unveiled. Any private or public fund manager or bank manager refusing to participate in the bailout of Mahathir’s cronies can be detained indefinitely without trial under the CSA until he agrees to do so. According to Pak Lah, “The recent shameful 75% under-subscription of Timedotcom shares would not have happened had we been empowered by such an Act. We have to ensure that our very dear cronies are well protected in the coming recession as, otherwise, they may all go bankrupt.”

Finally, Pak Lah announced the Mahathir Security Act. This was important to secure the currently shaky position of the PM. Under this Act, anyone caught criticizing, denouncing, slandering, condemning, attacking or opposing Mahathir by any manner of words or deeds will be picked up by the Mahathir Special Police — a new Gestapo-type unit to be formed soon — and incarcerated in jungle gulags. The MSA will give very wide liberties to the MSP to deal with such offenders, liberties in fact, so wide that they can only be limited by the imagination.

Because the government currently enjoys a three-quarters majority in Parliament, all the new Acts are expected to be passed soon without debate.

Reported by Tsu Nam

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