Music Jokes

Q: "Hey, buddy. How late does the band play?"
A:"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."

Q: What does New Age Music sound like when played backwards?
A: New Age Music.

Q: What does a SCUD missile and a DJ have in common?
A: Both are easy to fire and you don't care where they land.

Tune or die, fool!
(I pity the foo who stoe my tuner!)

The choir for the mentally impaired was not allowed sugar for snacks and became known as the Moron Tab and Apple Choir.

I'm tired of all this sax and violins on public television.

June the harpist and Sam the trombonist went out to a discotheque. Sam's car wouldn't lock, but Sam knew the owner, so they locked their instruments in his office. Having too much to drink, they went back to rehearsal without their instruments. June told the conductor, "I left my harp in Sam's friend's disco." [if you don't get it, think Tony Bennett]

A musician is surprised to see Toscannini in heaven. Peter tells him it's God, but he thinks he's Toscannini.

Q: How many Musician jokes are there?
A: Just one! (All the rest are true.)

Back to Top

1) Most blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3) The blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes . . . sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4) The blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6) Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. In blues "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9) You can't have no blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10) Good places for the blues: a) Highway; b) Jailhouse; c) Empty bed; d) Bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places for the blues: a) Dillard's; b) Gallery openings; c) Ivy League institutions; d) Golf courses.

11) No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12) Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if a) You older than dirt; b) You blind; c) You shot a man in Memphis; d) You can't be satisfied. No, if a) You have all your teeth; b) You were once blind but now can see; c) The man in Memphis lived; d) You have a 401K or trust fund.

13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the blues. Other acceptable blues beverages are a) Cheap wine; b) Whiskey or bourbon; c) Muddy water; d) Nasty black coffee. The following are NOT blues beverages: a) Perrier; b) Chardonnay; c) Snapple; d) Slim Fast.

15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16) Some blues names for women: a) Sadie; b) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d) Fat River Dumpling.

17) Some blues names for men a) Joe; b) Willie; c) Little Willie; d) Big Willie

18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19) Make your own blues name Starter Kit: a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.); b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.); c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.); d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20) I don't care how tragic your life or how many men you killed in Memphis, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues

Back to Top

Q: Know what Beethoven is doing today?
A: Decomposing.

Q: What would Mozart be doing if he was alive today?
A: Probably screaming and clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Bach had 22 kids because he had no stops on his organ.

These jokes are so bad, I can't Handel them. The make me Lizstless. They can be too Mendlesohm. You'd better go out Bach and stay in Haydn.

Back to Top

Accent: An unusual manner or pronunciation, eg: "Y'all sang that real good!"

Accidentals: Wrong notes.

Ad Libitum: A premiere.

Agitato:
1.) State of mind when your valve sticks.
2.) A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece.

Agnus Dei: A woman composer famous for her church music.

Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed.

Attaca: "Fire at will!"

Augmented fifth: 36 oz. bottle.

Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.

Beat: What music students do to each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.

Bravo: Literally, How bold! or What nerve! This is a spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the concert goer after a particularly trying performance.

Breve: A sustained note when you run out of bow.

Cadence:
1.) The short nickname of a rock group whose full name is Cadence Clearwater Revival.
2.) When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
(Final Cadence: when they FORCE you to stop.)

Cantus Firmus: The part you get when you can only play four notes.

Chord: Usually spelled with an "s" on the end, means a particular type of pants, eg: "He wears chords."

Chromatic Scale: An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.

Clef:
1.) If a student cannot sing, he may have an affliction of the palate, called a clef.
2.) Something to jump from if you can't sing and you have to teach elementary school.

Coloratura Soprano: A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.

Compound Meter: A place to park your car that requires two dimes.

Conduct: The type of air vents in a prison, especially designed to prevent escape. Could also be installed for effective use in a practice room.

Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

Counterpoint: A favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established. Still taught in many schools, as a form of punishment.

Countertenor: A singing waiter.

Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

Cut Time: When you're going twice as fast as everyone else in the orchestra.

Detache: Trombonists play with slides removed.

Diatonic: Low-calorie Schweppes.

Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.

Dominant: An adjective used to describe the voice of a child who sings off key.

Duple Meter: May take any even number of coins.

Duration: Can be used to describe how long a music teacher can exercise self-control.

English Horn: Neither English nor a horn, not to be confused with the French Horn, which is German.

Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.

Fermata: A brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.

Flat: This is what happens to a tonic if it sits too long in the open air.

Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown transversely to confuse the enemy.

Form:
1.) The shape of a composition.
2.) The shape of the musician playing the composition.
3.) The people of paper to be filled out in triplicate in order to get enough money from the Arts Council to play the composition.

Glissando:
1.) A violinist's technique for difficult runs.
2.) The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel.

Half Step: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.

Harmonic Minor: A good music student.

Harmony: A corn-like food eaten by people with accents (see above for definition of accent).

Hemiola: A hereditary blood disease caused by chromatics.

Heroic Tenor: A singer who gets by on sheer nerve and tight clothing.

Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.

Major Triad: The name of the head of the Music Department.

Minor Triad: the name of the wife of the head of the Music Department.

Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to tune at the same time.

Meter Signature: The name of the maid who writes you a ticket when you put an odd number of coins in a duple meter.

Modulation: "Nothing is bad in modulation."

Optimist: A trumpet player who carries a beeper.

Perfect Pitch: Throwing a piccolo in the toilet without hitting the rim.

Senza sordino: You forgot to use your mute in the last passage.

String quartet: A good violinist, a bad violinist, a would-be violinist, and someone who hates violin getting together to complain about composers.

Tempo: This is where a headache begins.

Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page turn.

Tonic: Medicinal liquid to be consumed before, during, or after a performance. (Diatonic: This is what happens to some musicians.)

Transposition: The act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.

Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.

Triple Meter: Only rich people should park by these.

Triplet: One of three children, born to one mother very closely in time. If a composer uses a lot of triplets he has probably been taking a fertility drug.

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Virtuoso: A musician with very high morals.

Back to Top