Woodwind Jokes

Q: How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
A: Shoot one.

Q: What is the range of a piccolo?
A: Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.

Q: What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
A: When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.

Q: How do you tune two piccolos?
A: You shoot them both.

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Q: How do concert band flute players change a lightbulb?
A: They ask their boyfriend to do it for them.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutists playing in unison.

Q: How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only 1, but she'll break 10 bulbs before she realizes they can't be pushed in.

Q: What key is the alto flute pitched in?
A: G-- I really don't care, either!!

Q: How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but she'll have to twist it back and forth for an hour to make sure she gets it just right.

Q: What's the difference between a flutist and a seamstress?
A: I seamstress tucks the frills.

Q: How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: --Five: One to change the bulb, one to pull the ladder out from under her, and three to bitch about how much better they would have done it.

Q: How many flutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one - she simply holds it up and the world revolves around her.

Q: What do you call a good flute section?
A: Impossible

Q: How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players?
A: When the engines stop, the whining continues

Sometimes it is hard to get our act together. Somewhere I read a story about a concert held in Philadelphia. One of the movements featured a flute solo that was to be played as if coming from a distance. The conductor had instructed the flutist to stand offstage where he was to count the measures precisely in order to come in at the exact time, since there could be no visual contact between the conductor and the soloist.
On the performance night when the time came for the flute solo, the flutist began exactly. The fine, lilting notes floated out beautifully. Then, suddenly there was a pinching sour note and the soloist was silent for the rest of the piece. The conductor was outraged and at the end of the piece he rushed off stage to find the poor flutist. The player was prepared.
"Maestro," he said, "before you say anything let me tell you what happened, but really, you're not going to believe it. You know I came in accurately, and everything was going beautifully, when, suddenly, this enormous stage hand ran up, grabbed away my flute, and pushed me back, saying, "Shut up, you idiot! Don't you know there's a concert going on out there?"

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Q: What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

Q: How can you tell an oboist is at your front door?
A: By the Domino's Pizza hat.

Q: How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't need it.

Q: What do you call an oboist who is deaf?
A: Principal.

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Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gyrates so much he'll fall off the ladder.

Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bassoon recital.

Q: How do you put down a saxophone?
A: Call it a bassoon.
After intermission the bassoonist was told to pick up his instrument, so he took it out for dinner and a show.

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Q: Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat?
A: Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health.

Q: Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicapped spaces.

Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

Q: How do you put down a tenor saxophone?
A: Confuse it with a bass clarinet.

Q: What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
A: Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.

Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain?
A: An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.

Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces.

Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose.

A man walked out to a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looked at the selections:
Flute Brains, $1/lb
Tuba Brains, $10/lb
Percussion Brains, $5/lb
Then he saw a sign that read:
Clarinet Brains, $100/lb
He asked the butcher why clarinet brains were so expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know how many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"

Q: How do you know when a clarinet player is at your house?
A: They don't know where to enter and what key to use.

Q: What's the difference between a clarinet solo and scraping your nails down the blackboard?
A: Vibrato.

Q: What do you call 20 clarinetists at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: How do you stop an oboe from being stolen?
A: Put it in a clarinet case.

Q: How do you make a saxophone sound like a clarinet?
A: Miss a lot of notes...

Q: How do you know when a clarinetist has died?
A: The concertmaster moves them back a chair...

Q: What do you call a line setup by clarinets?
A: A circle

Q: What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q: What's the difference between a saxophonist and a lawnmower?
A: Lawnmower cuts grass; a sax player smokes it.

Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune tenor sax player! The other two indicate you've been hallucinating.

Q: Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes?
A: Because he kept ignoring the key signature-- he thought it was a suggestion.

Q: How many baritone sax players does it take to pop popcorn?
A: Two - one to hold the popper and one to shake the stove.

Q: How many tenor sax players does it take to change a flat tire?
A: Four - one to change the tire, one to work the jack, and the other two to contemplate on how John Coltrane would have done it.

Q: What's the difference between a jazz saxophonist and an AK-47 assault rifle?
A: The AK-47 only repeats 100 times a minute.

Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a bari-sax?
A: Add vibrato.

Q: What do a saxophone and a baseball bat have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

Q: What are trumpets made out of?
A: Leftover saxaphone parts.

Q: Why did Adolph Sax invent the saxophone?
A: He hated mankind but couldn�t build a atom-bomb.

You may be a redneck saxophonist if...
...you have an old bass sax up on blocks in your front yard.
...you spell it "saxaphone."
...you think the bell of your instrument is a great place to hold a longneck during a gig.
...the gun rack in your pickup truck holds a couple of old Buesher sopranos.
...you think that Boots Randolph is the greatest Jazz musician who ever lived.

There is a man on a boat that is in a shipwreck. The boat crashes on a jungle island and the man is greeted by natives. In the distance, he hears the sound of drums. He asks what the drums are for and the chief answers, "The drums must not stop." The man is forced to stay the night in the natives village. All through the night, the drums keep on going so he got no sleep at all during the night. He got up in the morning and went to the chief again, begging him to know why the drums couldn't stop. The chief answered, "Because, when drum solo stop, sax solo start."

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