| OY! 101 |
| As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat. Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking. Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out. |
| Rosh Hashanah -- Feast Tzom Gedalia -- Fast Yom Kippur -- More fasting Sukkot -- Feast Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself. Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes Tu B'Shevat -- Feast Fast of Esther -- Fast Purim -- Eat pastry Passover -- Do not eat pastry Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.) 17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes) Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes) Month of Elul -- End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again |
| The many forms of Judaism: Cardiac Judaism In my heart I am a Jew. Gastronomic Judaism We eat Jewish foods. Pocketbook Judaism I give to Jewish causes. Drop-off Judaism Drop the kids off at Sunday school and go out to breakfast. Two-Times-a-Year Judaism Attend service on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. |
| You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical. You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket". Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish. Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents. You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10 foot wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray. You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha and bowties. You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night. You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven. You never knew anyone who's last name didn't end in one of 6 standard suffixes (-man, -witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt and -baum). You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like 50-year-old cranberry sauce. You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green. You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it. You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra. You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes. You have at least six male relatives named David. Your grandparent's furniture smelled like mothballs and was as comfortable as sitting on sandpaper. You thought that speaking loud was normal. |
| LEWIS KELLERT'S EASY GUIDE TO YIDDISH |
| According to my father, you don't actually need a dictionary (let alone language classes) to speak Yiddish. "All the words sound like what they mean." Apparently, onomatapaeia had its start with the Jews. Jews don't actually tell you what Yiddish words mean. Instead, they imply it with a story. You know the difference between a shlemiel (SHLEH-mee-uhl) and a shlemiel (shla-MEEL) because the shlemiel (1) walked into the ironing board and knocked the iron onto the shlemiel's (2) foot. Wait until you get the shmegeggie in there. Language barrier? What language barrier? |
| ...you should be so lucky to be made fun of |
| The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays |
| You knew you grew up Jewish when... |
| Judaism for beginners, converts and goys |
| And of course, there's my father's favorite Jewish joke: |
| What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a terrorist? You can reason with a terrorist. |