| 1) Christmas is one day, same day every year. December 25. Jews love Dec. 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to the movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanuka is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanuka starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress; the kosher butcher or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida). 2) Christmas is a major holiday. Chanuka is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat. 3) Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos....Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam which looks impressive on the bookshelf. 4) There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanuka, Chanukah, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah. 5) Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanuka. 6) Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanuka. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis. 7) Christmas carols are beautiful, Silent Night, Come O Ye Faithful...Chanuka songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully? 8) A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanuka smells of oil, potatoes and onions. Wonderful smells! 9) Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanuka. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages. 10) The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus. The players in the Chanuka story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history. 11) Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, Joseph, bubeleh, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her and now you want to blame God. Here's the number of my shrink. 12) In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanuka, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. |
| Christmas Vs. Chanuka |
| More Jewish humor! Who knew? |
| 13.Achy Breaky Hip 12.I Got the Guilt, You Got the Gelt (I Went and Cut Another Notch in My Belt) 11.Take This, "Job," and Shove It 10.I'm Cryin' in My Manischewitz ('Cause I Lost Rebecca Levitz) 9.Ever Since My Circumcision, My Baby's Been Short With Me 8.All My Exes Made an Exodus 7.The Shiksa's Gonna Hit the Fan 6.This Bris! This Bris!! Unchoppable!!! 5.Four Thousand Years of Sufferin', and I Had to Marry You 4.My Woman Gave Me Crabs, and That Ain't Kosher 3.I've Starved and I've Suffered and I've Parted the Sea Just to Find That Your Bush Wasn't Burnin' For Me 2.Homeland on the Range 1.Alright, Already, Enough With The Infidelity! |
| (For those of you who prefer the two-step to the hora) |
| Jewish Country Western Songs |