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| August 6, 2001 I feel tense, out of sorts. My weigh in is cancelled due to the long weekend. If I want to weigh in I must travel to one of two cities, both at least 1/2 an hour away, one on Wednesday, one on Thursday. So I purchase a Tanita scale. I am shocked at my body fat percent - 54 %? I picture myself as a lump of lard, butter. I'm sick to my stomach. I swear to myself I won't jump on the scale every two minutes, but I find myself doing it anyway. I watch the numbers creep downward throughout the day, then jump to a five pound gain in the evening. I tell myself this isn't healthy - but I get on the scales nonetheless. "You really need a life, Karen," I say to myself as I pass by the mirror. I stick my tongue out at the woman glaring back at me. The shine has worn off, this is becoming a chore. No longer a novelty. I am afraid. What if I get bored and quit? What if I have gained a lot of weight next weigh in? I grab my journal and scower the entries looking for any transgression.Aha! I find one - 1/2 c. of one per cent milk. That should have been 1/3! Oh no, 13 nuts, not 12! But the rest of the journal looks fine, so I relax a little. I know I've done well. But I want verification of that. I want it now! This is going to be the longest week of my life. |
| August 13, 2001 They should ban weigh ins! They should outlaw scales! But I hurry to weigh in anyway. My hands are trembling, my mouth is dry. I step on the scales and try to not squirm. My leader looks at me and silently hands back my card. -2.6 lbs. "Hey," I want to shout, "There's a mistake!" I'm devastated. I worked so hard! I stayed on plan! I didn't cheat! I remind myself that I'm a big girl now, and women don't cry. My family is visiting and congratulate me on my loss. Don't they know???? It should have been more. I feel cheated. Reluctantly, I post my loss on the forum. My friends rally around me and find the right words to help me put this into perspective. "It could have been a gain." writes one. "What matters is you stayed on plan," writes another. "I'll take that loss," offers my board buddy Rocky, who is struggling with .6 losses. I feel ashamed of my greed and insensitivity to others. I'll take the loss and be happy. Life goes on. "Just stay on plan, Karen," I remind myself. I look in the mirror, and all I see is a fat, middle-age woman staring back at me. I want to eat! Donuts! Pizza! Coke! Fat, juicy steaks marbled with fat! French fries! Pork chops! "No you don't Karen," I tell myself. I settle for a good cry instead. I look in the mirror once again and this time I see I determined woman instead. I will do this! The hell with the metal monster! I will do this! |
| August 27, 2001 Three nights and days on a boat were a challenge. I had to stay OP, no choice for me. So I packed all my measuring cups, scale, points book and journal, determined to win this war no matter where it's fought. Water, land - it's all the same to me. The time spent on the boat with family was great, and surprisingly I didn't find deprived. In fact, I ate quite well, thank you. We celebrated two birthdays in the last week, and I even got to eat cake - all the while staying on plan. I feel strong and powerful - in control of my life. My family is amazed at all the food I can eat. I realize that I am lecturing them about making good choices, point value of food, and exercise. "Yeah, the great food Guru," I tell myself sarcastically, then laugh. I am frantic to get off the boat each night so I can get my exercise in on the beach. Still, I feel as if I haven't done enough. Because my brother and his family is visiting, I miss my August 13 weigh in. A mantra begins in my head - four restaurant meals, two birthdays, three days on a boat. Don't expect much, Karen. Don't set yourself up for disappointment. Now weigh in is here, and the true measure of my commitment will be evident. With head down I step onto the scales. I peek up at the leader, but her face is undeciferable. "Please, please, please, please," I pray. But I don't hope for much. Anything but a gain, please Lord. She hands me back my book and I wait until I sit down to look at the numbers. -7.6 lbs, 24.4 lbs lost to date. I am now 227.4 lbs. I am in shock. Then I realize I have earned another star. I practically run back with my hand out. The leader hands me the star, then says, "Gee, you are only .6 of a pound away from goal and your first 25 lb. magnet." The shock of it hits me, and I have to sit down. Word of my loss spreads quickly among the group. One by one they come over and ask me my secret. They think I have a magic bullet I can share with them. But it's simple, really. This plan was made to be worked. No taking holidays, no giving in, no excuses. Just do it! People around me talk about their gains, brag actually. They tell of the weddings, family barbecues, special events. Then they ask me how I have managed to consistently lose weight. I am on my way! One quarter of the way there. Less than 25 lbs. away from Onederland - a phrase used by my bootcamp buddies when they speak of finally getting out of the over 200 lb. weight range. I want Onederland so bad I can taste it. Nothing can stop me now! |
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