September_Settling

September 3, 2001
Well, It's almost two months since I started Weight Watchers. It's amazing - two months without going off plan. But when I think about it, I'm really not surprised. It was just a matter of setting my mind to it. When I consider all my accomplishments in life, I had to ask myself why I couldn't do this thing for me? There was no answer, and no excuses. But, I'm impatient!
I want instant gratification!!! I want this ugly fat gone now! Which I know is what contributed to me being overweight to begin with. Instant gratification.
"Hmmm...and how does that build character?" I ask myself.
It doesn't.
But every day I look in the mirror. More specifically, I look in mirrors and windows every time I pass one. I'm looking for the first signs of thinness.
But I don't see them! People tell me I'm looking fantastic, great, wonderful, but when I look in the mirror I see this horrid fat person. I get so angry!
I stand sideways and look. Nothing. I suck in my gut and look. Nothing. I peer at my face. Nothing.
Where are you hiding, skinny Karen?? Come out, come out, wherever you are.
But she remains in hiding.
My clothes are getting large on me. They hang. But somehow it's hard to believe I am actually shrinking. I have a hard time melding the weight loss with what I see in the mirror. When am I going to be "normal"? What is normal anyway?
How will I know when my weight is right for me? What will 150 lbs. look like on me? Will my wrinkles pop out, no longer puffed up by a fat face?
My mind is racing. I have worked myself into a snit. I skimp on breakfast, wanting the weight to drop away. Then I castigate myself. I know better than that! Eat Karen! This is not punishment, this is a journey, a way of life, not a diet, eat Karen, eat the right foods Karen, journal Karen, drink your water Karen, plan your meals Karen, everything in proper portions Karen.
Stop! Breathe, relax - ahhhh - much better!
Because it's another long weekend here, I can't weigh in. Damn them anyway! Can't they see how important this is to me? I could have my magnet in my hand right now. I could have another star. I could have my keychain for my first 10 per cent. I could be closer to Onederland!
I step on the scales again. Down 3 lbs. Please, please, please, let me maintain this until next Monday's weigh in.

September 8, 2001
Home sweet home! I've just bought a treadmill! I'm laughing wildly. Is this me? Who is this person who would travel four hours to buy a machine of torture?
Hmmm... maybe it's someone who loves herself. Who thinks she's worth it. Maybe it's someone who wants to dance at her son's wedding in a size 12 dress - who doesn't want to embarass her only child.
Maybe it's someone who realizes that this is an investment in her health - in her life.
What a change of mind-set.
Of course, a large portion of this I credit to BootCamp and my buddies. Rocky, Cybergranny, Momof3, Mudpies, Gypsy, Bill, Kimberley, Laynee, Ican, Candn, Ceil, Laurdee, Cleave, Lil, Jan, Angel, Bobbie...my friends are too numerous to mention. I am truly blessed.
I consider that my obesity is a necessary part of my journey for I would never have met such wonderful people without being fat. Maybe the Lord had a plan for me after all. Maybe, just maybe, I can be the positive influence and type of friend all these people have been to me. I feel content, at one with myself. Power and hope surges through me. I put down my water bottle, grab the treadmill manual and read. One foot in front of the other. Walk, walk, walk. I'm walking my way toward health and happiness. I smile.

September 9, 2001
Weigh in tomorrow. Two weeks of waiting. You'd think I'd be used to this by now, but I'm not. I run to the bathroom and go pee - only then, when I have rid myself of extra weight will I weigh myself.
Looking good! According to my scales I have lost about five or six pounds in two weeks.
Then I have a horrible thought - what if my scales are off?
I head back to the treadmill, put it in the calorie burning mode, and jab my finger at the console to increase the speed. Over and over I increase the speed, then realize how crazy this is.
Everything in its own time Karen. Have patience.

September 10, 2001
I wake up from a deep sleep, ravenous and wanting to fill that hole. I look at the clock - 2:47 a.m. Heading for the kitchen I remind myself this is not the way to lose weight. But I don't care. Diving into the fridge I grab the first thing I see - peanut butter, jam and bread. I make myself a fat sandwich, grease from the peanut butter leaching out the sides, jam spilling onto my chin.
Still not sated I dig into the freezer and find O'Henry ice cream. Peanuts, chocolate swirls - I eat straight from the container shovelling it in, not stopping to breathe.
When that is finished I head for the cupboard where I know I'll find Bits 'N Bites. Tearing open the bag I greedily grab handfuls and shove those into my mouth too.
I look at the kitchen clock and realize I have feasted for one and a half hours. How is that possible?
Tears silently course down my cheeks. I can't believe I did this! The tears fall faster. I've blown it!
My husband appears.
"Karen, Karen!" he shouts at me.
I am mortified, ashamed. I won't meet his eyes.
"Karen," he shouts one last time, then pokes me in the ribs to get my attention.
My eyes open and I realize I am dreaming. I've had a foodmare. My first. My last?
The alarm wakes me at 5:30 a.m. I'm groggy and my head has a dull ache. I'm amused - I have a food hangover from food consumed in my dream. But I run to the mirror just the same to see if there are any traces of jam on my face. My first thought is, "Weigh in today."
I promptly step on the scales to see if the Fat Monster came and deposited any of his charm on me while I was sleeping. I breathe deeply in relief - 223.5 lbs. Looking good!
Luckily, the day goes by fast as I race to get the paper ready for publishing. I hardly think of my weight at all. With great satisfaction I eat my OP lunch enjoying each and every bite. I realize I actually like these lunches nowadays. Something has clicked in my head. Was it the dream?
I am no longer anxious about weigh in. I will take what I get and be grateful for each and every step I take on this journey. I feel amazingly cheerful, proud, liberated. Strains of the Eagles and 60's Oldies drift from my office.
The mood is contagious.
People are smiling, floating on the positive energy I exude.
My smiles are met with smiles.
I think I like this.