December

Dec. 20, 2001
I'm so glad to get back to this journal. It was such a pain to update these pages with my modem. So, today I finally got high speed internet. What a pleasure and these pages are just zipping along.
What a roller coaster ride this has been. I think my body's reached set point - it believes this is the weight it should be - I, however, believe otherwise.. I'm stuck, and my weight is crawling downward ever so slowly. It's frustrating!!!!
But now is the time that seperates the losers from the gainers. Now's the time when I can toss in the towel and be happy with what I have, or go for the gold ring.
It's tempting too....with my slender build everything thinks I'm at goal. But at 194.4 lbs. I know I have an official 24.4 lbs. to lose to WW goal, but more likely another 44 to go before I get to where I should really be. Because I am tall and fine boned, they think I'm going to blow away. Imagine that!
"You're going to blow away," said one woman. I wish! LOL
"You're going to stop soon aren't you?" asks another. Are you kidding? YOU try and live in this body. YOU try and look at this body in the mirror. You all would then know that I am not in danger of wasting away. The very thought amuses me.
But behind that amusement is a simmering anger. How insensitive! Do I tell them it's time to stop having babies, or stop anything else for that matter?
And there's the underlying thing - of course they all think I'm doing this for appearance sake. If only they knew - this is a serious health issue for me! And, even more so I would like to think that I am about so much more than what I see in the mirror.
Then there's the lady who came into the paper one day when I had already left for home.
"Tell Karen we all want to know what she's doing to lose all that weight," she said to the receptionist.
What in hell do they think I'm doing? Cocaine??? LOL
Either that, or they think I have a terminal illness, and so they pretend they don't see that I'm a shadow of the former me.
People act like they don't know me any more. Hey everyone! It's still me! Look into my eyes! I'm still here! I haven't changed! Hello?? Anyone???
Why is my weight such a concern to some? It certainly wasn't at 251.8 lbs, when maybe it should have been. This is a tough one to understand and I am confused.
Shoot, there's a lot of confusing things right now. It's so darn difficult now that the weight is coming off in a sane manner. Each day, each week is a struggle for a lousy pound or so. But as soon as I think that thought I grit my teeth and run into the bathroom. There, behind closed doors I lift my shirt. Sure enough that huge ring of fat still encircles my waist. My thighs are still too heavy - and if I turn sideways, the hint of a soft chin is still there. With satisfaction I pull down the shirt and know that even if it's a pound at a time, I MUST continue on this journey. In fact, I have realized that even when I reach goal, it isn't the end, but likely the beginning of yet another journey. There can never be any more mindless grazing for me. I MUST acknowledge each and every bite which goes in my mouth. I am not lucky enough to ever eat without repercussion, and even at goal I will always have to journal.
But, what's worse? Journalling and staying congnizant or laying in a bed with a stroke, my husband feeding me and wiping the dribble from my mouth because I had a stroke? I think I'll take this deal anytime.
It's harder right now though because I am grieving in a huge way over my mother who passed away in February. It's the weirdest thing - one minute I'll be laughing and enjoying the season and the next second I am weeping copiously. I miss her so much! It would be so easy to stuff my face, comfort my heart with a huge chocolate bar.
But I can't. Instead I comfort myself with remembering her smile, especially when she was proud of something I had done. I tell myself she would be so proud of me now. Her daughters were always a reflection of her success as a mother, I believe. And sadly, I suspect there had to have been times when she was a bit ashamed to have this glutenous woman as a daughter. She never said so, but...... So, in honour of mom I continue. I believe she's looking down on me and I want to make her proud.
Hell, I want to make myself proud. I want to make my husband proud, and when I dance at my son's wedding I want my son to be proud.
All of that is reason enough.......yes.......it's more than enough.