January

January 30 -
Did you think I quit? Gave up?
No!
I'm still here despite plateaus, slow losses and frustration.
For the last several months it's been excruciatingly slow - ounces at a time.
I'm glad it's happening now, for I fear what might have been had it happened early in this journey. Simply put, I've come too damn far to look back now.
And I mean business!
Christmas really was a breeze. Privately I sweated. All those goodies! But, once again, I needed to trust myself. Trust that I can do this. For in the end, a large portion of this journey really is about trust.
It felt great to dress for Christmas. I felt like a grown-up. I'd ordered this dress, my first dress in years, several months before Christmas. I wanted to be a femme fatale, knock-em-dead kinda gal. Well, a woman can dream can't she?
But when I got it in November, it was snug. I fretted that it would fit, but I refused to put it on until the day of the staff party.
That was going to be the day I unveiled the new me. To that end I made sure everything was perfect, right down to the thigh-high black stockings and jewellery.
When the day arrived I locked myself behind the bathroom door, hands shaking, refusing to let my husband see.
I fussed with my hair, then wiped all my makeup off, only to start again. I was frantic - scared witless.
My husband of few words waited patiently as I primped and fretted.
Like a virginal bride on her wedding night I cracked the door a bit and peered out. Impossible that after almost 19 years of marriage I was shy.
"Who are you kidding Karen?" I asked myself.
"You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear," I scolded myself.
Then the new me, the one who tosses out such awful self-talk took over.
"You're NOT a sow's ear you ninny."
"OK...if not a sow's ear, then a horses patootie?"
"STOP!"
I took a deep breath and opened the door. Eyes downcast I went to my husband, totally terrified.
He lifted my chin, smiled, and said, "You look beautiful."
And he meant it! I'm beautiful!
I quickly sucked in my breath, uncertain what to say to this man whom I loved so dearly - more so at that very moment.
Instead I offered a smile, then walked over and laid my head on his shoulder. For the longest time we stood perfectly still, savoring the moment, extending our pleasure.
Finally, with a flip smile I walked away and over my shoulder shot, "Yeah, you don't look too bad yourself mister. Wanna come home with me after the party?"
That was truly a turning point for me.
It really had nothing to do with how I looked, but more about how I felt.
I wanted more! And the best part was I could give it to me. But, only I could do it.
A sobering thought.
Now I'm in the home stretch - 0nly 13 lbs. or so to goal. To goal!!! I never would have believed it. But my treacherous body is taunting me.
"Nope, no way lady. Forget it. I'm hanging onto this last little bit of fat, do you hear me?!"
Yeah, I hear ya.
But I don't have to listen. Not now, not after all of this. NO!
So I joined Curves, an all-woman's gym.
I'm grinning as I'm writing this. I'm an alien! Even worse, I'm an alien who secretly admits she actually likes the exercise.
Did I say exercise?
Well, maybe I like what the exercise is going to do for me.
I dream of a Cindy Crawford body with perky breasts.
"Pssstt.....Karen?"
"What? I'm busy!"
"Karen, you just aren't built that way."
"And your point is," I ask.
"Well......think about it...."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I answer, knowing full well it's true.
So I decide I'll settle for fit - whatever that might be.
I'm kind of anxious to discover this body that was hiding under all the pain and the fat.
Yes indeed. I think me and this new body are going to get along just fine.
Even if it isn't like Cindy Crawford.