February

Who am I?
Who am I really?
This person, this new, thinner person isn't anyone I recognize.
It's exciting, and it's frightening. In her eyes I see pride and hope - dreams.
I also see fear.
But of what?
Probably the unknown. I mean let's face it! This woman has never had the chance to shine. She was never of "normal" weight, and thus many of the experiences afforded thinner people were lacking.
She never knew what it was like to have a man take a second glance.
Sure, the teenager did - the young woman did - but not this mature woman.
It's confusing and powerful. It's wonderful!
The other day I was walking down the road trying to cool off after an altercation from work. Beneath my jacket I was wearing my tight workout leggings. I can finally acknowledge I have fantastic legs - the kind of legs which cause men to look twice.
But I'm not used to it.
As I was deep in thought I just happened to look up at a truck passing by. Inside the truck was a good-looking man.
And get this - he smiled at me. Not the "look at the fat tub" kind of smile. Nor was it the normal friendly smile - it was the kind of smile that lets a woman know the other sex finds her attractive.
He smiled at me! In that way!
That could be the crux of the whole thing here. For in this journey I have contemplated much, and also admitted much - and I finally acknowledged that for all these years I felt asexual. Yes, I have boobs and feminine attributes, but let's face it, they were lost under mounds of fat.
Now I feel wonderfully sexual and alive. I'm aware of my subtle curves which are just starting to appear, of my feminine and delicate bone structure. I'm conscious of the swing of my skinny hips, and the gentle curve of my back. I'm aware of my power!
I see my husband look at me with renewed appreciation. I tingle!
It's wonderful! It's new! And of course, scary! But scary never slowed me down before, and I'm not about to let it now.
I've also discovered that I am highly competitive. At first I didn't want to admit it, then I didn't want to acknowledge it - as if there is something dirty about it.
But now I see that healthy competitiveness is good.
I do have to smile at this person though. The other week, while in Curves, I realized that I had to work harder than anyone else. It didn't matter that I was pouring sweat, or that it was hard work - by God I was going to do better than anyone! I wouldn't allow myself any other thought as my muscles screamed during squats. I wouldn't consider any other alternative.
It was a shocking thing. And you know what? Now I'm at a spot where I know it's a good thing.
Prior to recognizing that and actually building on it, my losses were awful. In fact, I even gained 1.6 lbs. last week (and yes, I stayed on plan and am proud to say I have NOT slipped once since I began WW). But the day after weigh in I decided I needed to push myself even harder at Curves - and I did!
All last week I sweated my buns off, and I pushed myself beyond my limit. It felt horrid, it felt great! I knew, however, that it didn't really matter how it felt, I just needed to do it.
And ya know what? It paid off!
For the first time since early in my weight loss journey I lost a huge whack of weight - 4 lbs. to be exact! I about fell over when I looked at my weigh in card and kept checking it throughout the meeting to look at the numbers.
Those numbers are wonderful! It's hard to believe that I am at 183.8 lbs. Which brings me only 8 lbs. from a 75 lb. magnet and 9.2 lbs. away from my WW goal.
I dream of that day. I imagine it in my mind. I see myself actually doing it.
When I consider where I've been and how far I've travelled, I am finally able to take tremendous pride in this woman I'm getting to know.
She's strong, she's determined, she's motivated.
And best of all - I like her!