March_Home_Stretch

Amazing! Tomorrow marks eight months since I began this quest. Eight months, a river of tears and frustration and a pocketful of hopes and dreams.
I'm in the home stretch! Only another 6.2 lbs. and I reach my WW goal. Of course, with a 40 per cent body fat, I know it's probable that I have to lose another 30 lbs. or so to be physically healthy. But reaching WW goal is a huge landmark.
In the next couple of weeks I am going to receive my 75 lb. magnet, reach goal and six weeks later become a lifetime member.
My days, and even nights are wrapped up in dreams. I find myself at my work desk daydreaming of the day when I stand in front of my co-WW members and tell them how I did it. I want to scream at them, "Don't give up! You can do this!"
More than likely I'll just stand there and cry like a baby.
Their apathy is like a cloud pregnant with rain drops waiting to fall. It angers me. But why is that? I know everyone does this their own way, and we're all in this together. I want them to feel like I feel. I want them to understand what a life-altering thing this is!
I want them to be happy and free of the fat which shields them from their pain, but also from life. I decide I want to be a leader. Yes, me!
I think I have much I can share. I think I can make a difference. I think I can humanize the program. There's so much I would do! I would start a before and after album. I would encourage those who are struggling to meet with me after the meeting and together we could devise a plan to beat their plateau, or get them out of their rut.
I want to acknowledge each and every loss - tell them that yes, they CAN, stay on plan during special occasions and that simply maintaining during those special occasions is fine, but excelling and staying on plan yet enjoying themselves is even better.
I want to see smiling faces filled with hope and anticipation.
Yes, I'm a dreamer. I also want world peace, mothers and fathers to always love one another and never split, and all children in the world to have food. Such a romantic, and yet such a brutal realist at times.
Right now I am basking in the compliments and second-looks from everyone I meet. It seems that all of a sudden I have arrived! It is almost as if I didn't exist before, and that is a sobering thought. I thank everyone, my face a little pink with embarrassment, uncomfortable under this spotlight. Geez! It's not as if I found a vaccination for cancer you know!
And yet, those words and looks mean so much right now. I am like a starving woman. The words are my sustenance as I move towards goal. I feed off of them, and I feed off of the pretty woman I see in the mirror. I was taught to be humble, and these things are worn like a pair of shoes two sizes too small.
And then there is that gnawing, unrelenting fear.
What if I can't keep it off? What makes me different? What if I die from the obesity which was stronger than my will? What if when I die they can't find clothes or a casket large enough for me?
The fear is almost paralyzing. I think I can do this. I think I can keep it off. But damn it!
I want guarantees! I'm not ready to abandon this new woman. I like her!
Please, God - give me the strength.
But I know I'm such a goose. Look at me! Here I am 72 lbs. lighter, and never once did I go off course. I kept challenging myself - testing the limits - refusing to look back. So why, Karen, would you go all that way only to return to one of the darkest, lonliest places you have ever been?
Why indeed?