I_Hit_a_Bump

September 17, 2001
Man! This week has been super tough! I can not fill up this pit. Hunger strikes at the oddest moments, and is a physical, gnawing pain in my belly.
I have never been so fixated on food. Everything revolves around food, and nothing I do seems to make it better.
"Drink water," they tell me. "Sometimes hunger is dehydration in disguise and it will help fill you up," they say.
I drink water. By the jugful, by the bucketful. But my hunger lingers like an unwelcome house guest.
Food has developed a voice. It calls me from behind pantry doors and at the most inconvenient times. "Hey Karen! Come on! Take a bite!" offers my old friend Chocolate. It's tempting. That orange chocolate in my freezer believes it's time to come out of cold storage. I resist - weakly - but I resist all the same. I picture 50 of those chocolates on my stomach. The very thought of it is enough to make me turn away.
During interviews I realize I haven't heard a thing that was said. All I see if McDonalds. I blush and ask them to please repeat themselves.
Instead, I settle for frozen grapes, watermelon, nectarines and peaches. How's it possible that better than half my points are spent on fruit???
But they don't stick with me and I find myself hungry an hour later. I walk to the fridge looking for something, anything, I can eat. Instead I see the picture I posted of myself at my highest weight.
I walk away and drink more water.
On the upside I have been on the treadmill every day. Three days out of seven I was on it twice. I feel good. I imagine little fat globules flowing out with the sweat which beads my brow and dampens my underarms. For a challenge I raise the incline up to five per cent, but find if I want to work those butt muscles I need to decrease the speed from three miles an hour. I just can't keep up otherwise. But I feel great satisfaction at my progress.
Weigh In is tonight. It's been a banner week I think. I successfully resisted temptation and feel pretty good about the whole thing. Thank you God for seeing me through this week.
8 p.m. September 17
I'm pissed! What went wrong?????? Weigh in was a huge disaster. I can't believe I am only down .4! Point four! I worked my butt off! I was a good girl! I stayed on plan!
At first the leader said, "Ooooh. You're up point four."
"No way!" I said firmly.
So she reworked the numbers.
"Oops, sorry - I mean you're down point four," she said, a silly little smirk on her face. I know that she now knows that I am the one who tattled on her for being disorganized and neglecting to hand out stars, key chains and magnet. I also know she is enjoying this moment.
I paint a bland look on my face and say as graciously as possible, "Thanks."
As I sit in my chair during the meeting I scramble to determine what went wrong. What I did wrong, to be more specific.
Was it the pickles? Too much sodium? Was it the sandwiches? Too much carbs? Am I growing muscles from the treadmill. I look down at my legs and pull the pants tight. Ummmm...don't think so.
So what???? What?????
I'm deflated, disappointed.
The first thing I do when I get home is vent to my bootcamp buddies. I don't want to post, "A loss is a loss." I don't care! It's not good enough! It's not good enough!
My online friend Barbie calls, and somehow she manages to say just the right thing. She helps put it into perspective, and once again I feel shame. She works so hard at losing weight, and her losses are sometimes less than mine. How selfish!
I decide that I have two choices: I can roll over and die, or I can stand up and fight.
I decide to fight.
My plan is simple. I will replicate one or two weeks where my losses were good. My food journal will be a perfect map to weight loss, I hope. Of course, I will adjust the points to reflect my current point range, but other than that I will eat exactly the same foods in the same proportion. I will continue working out. It's important to my overall health.
If I find my losses remain low, then I will consign myself to the fact that my body is settling into a more sane weight loss routine and maybe I am beginning to build muscle - which is a good thing.
But if I discover that I am once again loosing weight at a good rate, then I need to consider what I did differently.
I will not give up!
This is do-able!
Bring it on!

September 24, 2001
What a great week! After my lousy loss last week I was upset. Then, a friend of mine at the Bootcamp Buddies forum put it into perspective.
Essentially, she said, "Look at how much your health has benefited! The added benefit is that you lose weight in the process."
Wow! Talk about an epiphany!
I have tightly grasped onto that concept - it is my mantra, my guiding light.
When I step on the scales and they don't dive like a gull after a fish, I remind myself I am getting fit!
This week has been much easier thanks to that little gem of advice. I have somewhat reverted to the first couple of weeks on the plan and lost so much weight. I truly believe that me and carbohydrates just don't see eye to eye. So, I skip on the pasta, even if it is within my points, and settle for something with higher fibre. I find after a while that I don't mind. Well...not always.
A curious thing happened this week. My sister-in-law, who is also on the plan, cooked supper. Bless her heart, she had written out all the point values, thus selecting food and staying on plan was a snap!
But I had turkey, gravy!!! green beans, dressing, a wonderful salad, and even angel food cake with strawberries and Cool Whip. I loved it! I felt normal!!
That is until the next morning - I awoke with a dull headache and felt out of sorts, sluggish. For the life of me I couldn't figure out what that was all about. Then it struck me - I had a food hangover!
I've read about people who have food hangovers after binging, but this was interesting. When I considered it further, however, it began to make sense.
My body just isn't used to eating such a heavy meal! I guess this is something I need to keep in mind.
But I don't care! I feel stronger and more committed than ever.
Tonight is weigh in. It will be interesting to see what that spiteful metal monster has in store for me. But I will make a face at it and say, "I don't care what you say. I am getting fit!"
I will win this game. Oh yes I will!