| Illness, death and rumours |
| May 5, 2002 People can be so rude and insensitive!! grrr I mean, really! Do they think fat people have no feelings (even if I am formerly overweight)?? Can you believe someone actually came up to me and asked me if I was well? As in "Are you sick??" Shoot! Do I look sick? And if I didn't look sick at 252 lbs why are you just now commenting on my weight? Does that mean now that I am thinner you think that I can now take the comments regarding my weight? In fact, I wanna know - where were the weight police almost 80 lbs. ago??? Can you believe the mayor of our fine city actually saw me eating a hamburger at our local trade fair, plunked himself down beside me and said, "Oh! You mean you eat?" DUH!!! Of course I eat! How did you ever become mayor you dolt? Then he proceeded to tell me that when he first saw me a couple of days ago minus all the weight he thought I was sick, and so didn't comment on my weight. But the first thing he did when he saw my husband was ask my honey if I was well? It's perplexing that when one decides to get fit and healthy it is viewed as an unnatural thing - a sickness! He's not the only one either. The rumours of my impending death are rampant. Hmmmm......maybe I can turn this around. Maybe I can start a fund??? Everyone can donate to poor Karen and her family. I'll get rich and run away to Hawaii. Buy new clothes, dance! ?Now, when they ask, I simply smile and say "I'm busy looking for a replacement for Frank for me when I'm gone," then smile sweetly. They stand there, looking at me with a blank face, wondering I'm sure if I'm serious or not. That evil little person inside of me enjoys the moment. They feel uncomfortable, I'm sure, and I want them to understand how words can have an impact. But the next moment I am ashamed of myself and turn to them and smile. The sheer look of relief on their faces tells the whole story. Seriously though, I almost feel as if I should put an ad in the paper. |
| I, Karen L. Kerkhoff, do hereby bequeath all my worldy goods to my husband. Who, by the way, will need a new wife soon. This wife is running away where rumours can't find her. Please send donations to......... |
| Of course, there are those who know the truth, and I would be lax in not mentioning the support I receive from them. Family, friends, acquaintances - all of whom wish me well and are honestly interested in my journey. God bless them, they lend balance to this crazy world. It's hard being healthy. It's not just a mind-set, but a swim against the tide in a society in which mega-sizing is everything. Just look at portion sizes in a restaurant. Huge plates, piled high with food. Sometimes more food, and of a variety, than I eat in a day. And let me tell you - I'm NOT starving here. Really. But some people think I am. Even people at WW are known to make known their fear for my health. "You better make sure you have enough fat in reserve for if you get sick," offered one. Are they trying to tell me we have to pay with fat when we get sick. Is it kind of like, "Mr. Sick Man, here's your pound of flesh. Now leave me alone."? "You better stop now or your face will start to cave in," admonishes another. Of course, I have to admit that the first thing I did when I got home that night was look in the mirror to look for any major cave-ins. Well, I see wrinkles. Does that count? Do they widen like chasms until they qualify as being full-fledged cave-ins? I poke at the wrinkles, but they don't look like they're going anywhere. Then there's "You're going to blow away!!" Horror in their eyes, evident as the bones they must see protruding from my anorexic body. Yup, sure thing. Looks like if I don't stop losing weight I'm going to go on a whirlwind of a trip. I wonder where they get these things from, and I wonder if they truly believe it themself. Sometimes, out of sheer frustration I lift my shirt, grab a hunk of fat on my belly, shake it at them and say, "No worry about that, don't ya think?" OK - I admit it - I don't do that. But I'd like to! I guess all I can do is wait for the rumour mill to die down. OUCH! There's that word again - "Die" I figure the rumour mongers are going to look mighty silly in a while when I don't: A: Blow away B: Get sick and have no reserve C: Cave in. D: Die |
| In reality, I suspect this is all part of the journey. It is part of my dues. But it's also a lesson to be learned. The lesson is this: Words hurt, whether they are well-intentioned or not. Choose yours carefully for you never know the path one has walked to get to where she's at. Compassion above all things and let understanding be the guiding light. |
| I just wish I could get people to understand that at 252 lbs. I WAS dying. Bit by bit. And not just my health, but my soul and my psyche. I wish they would have thrown out a rope to a drowning person. Thank God I learned how to swim towards the shores of good health. |
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