November

Yes, I know, statistics are against me. Yes, I know the statistics. They say most of us will regain our weight, and more.
But guess what? I am not a statistic! Nor will I ever be a statistic! I have always been a renegade, and I don't intend on changing now.
But the awful little voice remains in the back of my head. "What if, Karen?" it asks me.
I close my eyes and will it away. There is no what if. There is no turning back. There isn't!
"Yeah, but what if?" it asks me quietly.
That won't happen! And you know why? Because I said so! LOL.
I smile at that. As a youngster I was always the one who who challenge my father's directives.
He would tell us to do something. But, I wasn't content to merely do what he wanted, I needed to know why, precisely, I had to do something.
In exasperation he would stare at ne with his angry father's eyes and say, "Because I said so!"
If it worked for him, I guess it can work for me. Thanks dad!
I'm totally amazed at the gathering strength I feel. Each day is a triumph, and each day I have been building on my successes.
Don't get me wrong, I struggle, and angst threatens to spill over and blow me to smithereens at times. But, I don't give in - not for a minute, not for a second, not for the blink of an eye. I can't. It really is that simple.
I see lots of people struggling, and I sometimes think they make this journey harder than it is. I don't minimize their struggles, let's not forget that I've been there too. I just wonder why they continue hurting themselves.
It just seems easier to go through the pain in this way, and gain something from it than to go through the pain only to lose. Does that make sense? I simply refuse to give up that for which I have fought so hard!
I've learned so much about myself. Most I like, some I do not.
I have learned I am extremely competitive. Amazing! Not competitive so I can feel superior to others, but competitive in the way which builds self-esteem. The feeling one gets from working hard and feeling accomplishment.
I have learned I have steely determination. Go ahead, call it stubborness - I don't care! All I know is it works for me! Thank you mom for being stubborn. You have sustained me.
I have learned that I have the ability to lead. I feel truly honoured and take this seriously.
When I first came to Boot Camp Buddies, there were so many people whom I admired. I looked to them for guidance and strength - and I still do. But, I have discovered that newer people are now looking to me for the same. It makes me thoughtful and careful in this journey. This is other people's lives we're talking about, and that is a sacred thing. For them alone I stay On Plan and try to be a positive role model. But, even more so I do it for myself. I have become selfish in this. I must put myself first during this journey. It's critical.
My whole life I lived to please others. It was important to me. Maybe it made me feel loved and wanted. Who knows. Then end result is when others come first, you come last. I had left myself for the last. I used to believe that putting oneself first was selfish. It's not. If one is not healthy in body and mind they are of little use to those around them. In fact, they can become a bit of a burden. I don't want to be a burden - ever.
Today, I love myself more than ever. And it shows in all I do. My confidence is stronger, I am happier, and thus I relate better to those in my life. That, in turn makes people happier and make them relate to me better, which makes me happier, which makes me stronger, which makes me relate better to those in my life, which makes people happier.....................
In loving myself and putting myself first, I am honouring those whom I love.

Nov. 14, 2001
I can't believe it! I lost 3.2 lbs - which earned me my 50 lb. magnet and my second 10 per cent. I am now at 200.8 - only .8 away from the hundreds! It's hard to believe I've lost 51 lbs.
This is a proud moment, and I want so badly to pick up the phone and call mom - but, I guess she knows.
Today I went through my clothes and threw out or gave away everything that was too large. It concerns me that it took so long to do that! I swear I am never going to weigh that much again, but why do I hold on to the clothes? And why was it so bloody difficult to give them up? I really need to think about this hard and get honest with myself. I feel like there's something I'm missing which will jump out and bite me when I least expect it.
I feel so strong right now. So ready for this. Onederland is right there - in fact when I get up in the morning and go pee I see the hundreds already. But, I won't claim it as mine until it's official.
I've found that setting such goals are important to me. I have yet to set my WW goal, but did speak with the leader about it last night.
Can you believe she totally agrees with me and said there's no pressure to set my goal until I get within about 10 lbs. of the suggest WW goal. That's great because my focus has never been on the exact number, but more on the concept of getting well - getting healthy.
I feel so blessed in everything. I'm glad for my BCB friends, and BCB itself. I'm grateful for the many friends I have who support me in this. I'm grateful for a husband who never complained as he saw hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars worth of clothes going into garbage bags.
But, then again I've promised him a sexy outfit in the colour of his choosing when I reach goal - and I ain't talking pantsuit honey! LOL.
I don't even feel like me. I feel like an alien has invaded my body and my mind. I feel like I'm dreaming.
Don't anyone dare wake me up!