| Post Goal Thoughts |
| April 12, 2002 Never in my wildest dreams did I think goal to be like this. Of course I knew there would be joy and euphoria, I expected some fear of the unknown. But I truly never thought my heart could be so full, or I could be so confused! My first day post-goal was spent in a fog. I was wrapped in my accomplishments, flushed with success. I was Wonder Woman, Doris Day, and Liz Taylor all wrapped into one. The following day hit me like a sledgehammer. Now what Karen? You've arrived! Now what????? I tentatively tried on this new persona, testing the waters - cautiously at first, and then with a devil-may-care mania that totally blew me away. First thing Wednesday morning I had the old rah-rah talk with myself. "OK! Listen up here Karen! Time to get back into formation. You aren't done. You will never be done! Got that???!!!???" I gulped. Yup, got that loud and clear thanks. No matter how I tried, I knew that forever more this is my way of life. A true child of the 60s, I hate being regimented, feeling as if I have to do something. I strain again the ties which hold me firmly to reality. For once I want to forget. Pretend that I have always been thin, that it takes no effort, that I am now done, now that I have reached goal. But I know better and I can't lie to myself either. And you know, I don't want to lie to myself. Here's why: Wednesday I awoke with anticipation. This was my first day off as an official thin person. For once, I wanted to truly feel and act like a thin person, so I broke from my routine and decided to go to a nearby city where no one knows me or my weight loss history. I wanted to look into their eyes and see what they see when they look at me. No background, just a stranger on the street. With extreme care I began preparing for the day. First my hair was washed, then conditioned. As it dried I applied anti-wrinkle cream, moisturizer, and then my makeup. Each stroke of my sable brushes had to be perfect until I couldn't find one wrong thing on the pallette. Even now I have to laugh. Imagine me, taking two hours to get ready. How girlie is that? With cheerful, upbeat music playing in the background I chose my clothing and finished my preparations. The morning was rich with anticipation and every nerve in my body, every pathway in my soul was alive with wonder and joy. The moment finally arrived for ME to arrive and I headed out to the city. I wish I could impart how, exactly, I felt. Name an emotion - any emotion! They were all battling for space inside this thinner body, and the cacophony at times was enough for me to put my hands to my ears. But I was determined to mark this day as a "normal" person. The first thing I noticed was the stares. It could have been the new (and smaller!) clothes I was wearing, it could have been the self-confident stride of a woman in her prime. I don't know, but for once when people were staring at me, I didn't hang my head in shame and try and make myself as small as possible. Instead I met their eyes and smiled. They smiled back! Such a small thing to many people. Such a tremendous thing to me! They were finally seeing me, and not just my fat body. And I noticed something, their is a prejudice against overweight people! I never used to believe it, I always said that I had always achieved everything I wanted, and my weight never held me back. But on Wednesday I knew the awful, ugly truth. Clerks were more attentive, people were friendly. I was someone! The day was almost surrealistic. At one point I found myself staring into a chic women's shop through the window. The kind of shop I could never go into because they didn't carry my size clothing. As I was staring through the window I realized that I no longer have to be on the outside looking in. A huge smile crossed my face as I squared my shoulders, walked through the doors and pretended like I belonged there. And you know what? I did belong there! But the last laugh was on me. This mystical store, this place of wondrous things, wasn't special at all. It was just like a Plus Size shop, but in smaller sizes. When I realized this, I stood in the middle of the store and began giggling. The sales clerk picked that time to approach me and ask if she could help me. With a slight smile, I looked over at her and politely said, "No thank you. I don't really see anything that interests me today," then walked out the doors. Then it was time for lunch. I had initially planned to have a McDonald's cheeseburger, but later changed my mind for a healthier lunch. And why not sit in a restaurant - the first time as a "normal" person? It was a difficult thing, watching people shovel fries, cheeseburgers and gravy into their gaping maws. Chewing, swallowing - ENJOYING! But, I finally decided that even if I did have the points for those sorts of food, I wanted to eat a healthy lunch, and so I ordered a chef salad, dressing on the side please. As I sat watching people eat, I focused in on thin people. Wanting to see exactly how they ate. Wanting to be them in every way. Have you ever watched thin people eat? They eat slowly, enjoying each morsel, and generally pics foods which at least resemble a food group. I sat there, alone at my table, aching to be them. Then a curious thing happened, I noticed them watching me! Trying to see how "normal", thin people eat, and I realized that I wasn't an actor in a play. I was doing what thin, healthy people do! That's when I knew that all the lessons I had learned over the last nine months were not on loan. They are mine to keep. But, just as in other things in life, if treasures aren't taken care of, they deteriorate. And ultimately they are lost one way or another. As I slowly finished my lunch, the fear of changing back into that other Karen diminished. I know it's going to take hard work. I know that my relationship with food will always be a love/hate relationship. I know that the "other" Karen is waiting in the wings. But I also know that I believe in myself. I believe life is more precious to me than ever. I believe that I am going to beat the weight loss statistics for relapse. I believe that anything is possible if we want it bad enough. And I finally believe that I am worth it. |
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