| July 24, 2002 I need to catch my breath! Sometimes I amaze even me - when I sink my teeth into something I won't (can't?) let go. Just over five weeks ago I went on a mission to sell goods through eBay and earn the extimated $8,000 I will need for my surgery and the other expenses such as four visits there and back, hotel room, and food. I'm stunned that thus far I have earned somewhere between $6,000 to $7,000! Can you believe that? It boggles my mind, and as reality draws near I begin to feel real fear. I think about statistics from those who die under anaesthetics or from complications, and I ask myself if it is worth it. The brave part of me, the part that wants the abdominoplasty at any cost says, "Hell yes!" and the other part of me, the solid Capricorn ask, "What if?" I'm torn at times, thinking this is so frivilous, and the next moment I am burning to have this done and be finished with it. But no matter what, I can't seem to stop myself - my whole focus is on earning money to have the surgery. I dream about it, both day and night, and I can actually visualize myself talking with the surgeon, coming home and recovering, and the best part - finally being able to wear clothes that fit. Then I ask myself, "Will it be enough, Karen?" Of course it will be enough! But the voice continues. "Are you sure, Karen?" YES! I'm sure! YES! YES! YES! And so each and every day I haunt the computer watching the hits on the page hit counters and waiting for the bids to come in. Some days it is slow, and I want to scream, "What's wrong with you people? Don't you understand???" and I am in the dumps. Then, suddenly, a bid comes in and I sit before the computer, wrap my arms around myself and rock gently in happiness. My world is dependent on bids. Through this all I am trying to find the lesson that I am sure is buried among all the angst. Could it be I am to learn patience? Must I learn humility? Am I to rejoice even more in what I have and be grateful? What's the lesson??? That, more than anything, has my attention. I suppose the lesson is in there - in fact I know the lesson is there, it's just some days I despair of ever learning that lesson. And I somehow feel that having this vanity surgery would be right if I can only learn the lesson. I think I need to stop being so hard on myself. I noticed I typed vanity, and that is how I view this, but I have discovered some real and painful results from having an ultra-large abdomen weighing on a tiny frame. The first is my back. Ever since I lost about 50 lbs. my back, from shoulder to shoulder is so tense. My doctor said it's because of how I carry myself with the weight loss, and the pendulous abdomen. Then, the other morning I woke up, and the nerve on the sacro-illiac crest on my left hip bone was tender to touch, and there was some numbness in left leg. My dog said that it also has to do with my stomach. Evidently, being so tiny in build (I grin whenever I write that), makes it difficult for me to carry the weight of my huge stomach on any one place. Thus, when I sleep at night in a certain position and hardly move, all the weight of my stomach compressed the nerve. Talk about painful! So, I try to remind myself that this isn't being done for vanity alone. And what about vanity? Am I not allowed some in my life? This solid, we-can-count-on-you-Karen is allowed some vanity, is she not? It's so confusing at time and I spend hours trying to sort it out. But one thing doesn't change - I am determined to have this surgery. My first surgical consultation is Aug. 7. I plan on speaking at length with the surgeon and explaining to him about another surgery I had. It was years ago and I was of average weight. According to the surgeon's notes (of which I have a copy and intend on bringing to the consult), it appears I have an unusually large omentum. The omentum is the fat apron which protects your vital organs. It's genetic, I understand. Which could well be why I have this huge abdomen even though I am of slim build everywhere else. It seems to me that will mean a longer and more involved surgery for the surgeon, and I must let him know beforehand so there are no surprises for me, or for him. And, I want to ask him if he thinks I am slender, or if I should wait until I lose a few more pounds. It could well be that this surgery will have to be delayed. Naturally that will break my heart, but I'm determined to do this the right way. I must! Other than that, there's not much going on in my life except for vile, petty jealousies of some who want what I have weight-loss way and other ways, but can't seem to do it themself. And so they go about trying to wreck things and start whispering campaigns about me. You know what I mean, email, private message types of things. Oh well. This too is part of the journey and I was warned that there would be those who would try and sabotage along the way because of their own inadequacies. But, it doesn't make it easier to hear from friends who have been told that I am cold-hearted, unkind etc. You would think we could just support each other in this journey, but sadly that isn't the case. So, I've sort of withdrawn from the clique groove and am content in helping people individually than in a group effort. I have to tell you, it is so much more rewarding. The people I help know that you don't bite the hand that feeds you, and in the process I have made some solid, honest friendships. If all goes well, I guesstimate I will have the surgery Oct. 15 or 16. I can't have it before then as my only reporter will be on holidays, and I will need him to cover for me for about a month while I recover. I think I can do some writing from home during my off time, but it's going to be rough on him. He's talented though, and a real sweetie. I love him like a brother. :-) And I will make sure I have lots of stories, columns and features banked for him so his load is lightened. Can't help but feel guilty though.....lol...we women thrive on guilt! I need to go and earn more money! lol.... If you're reading this and want to help me earn enough for my surgery you can do so by going to eBay, hitting on the search menu, and then click on "by seller". Once there type in my husband's eBay name 1-lunger and it should list all we are selling. Buy if you want something, please don't buy out of pity. I'm the last person in the world to pity. I have my life, my home, a son, a good and strong marriage.....and my health! Home New Chapter |
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