But you would think that I could at least wear words comfortably when it comes to my personal life.
But I guess not.
This whole journey is a constant challenge. It's not simply peeling off the pounds, for I have discovered as I lift the pounds away it is much like peeling an onion. Inside is something which is both delectable and for some an acquired taste. At once both exciting and strange.
I'm at the acquired taste stage. This woman I am looking at is unfamiliar, and when I look in the mirror I still see the same old me. Logically, I know what 75 lbs. means. When it comes to clothes size I know that a size 24 or 26 is a far cry from a size 10, 12 or 14. But I am having real trouble matching the words which people describe me, to the person I believe myself to be.
Let me explain.
The other day I went into a local store and an acquaintance, who is a clerk there called me over. I had just worked out and decided to pop in there to pick up a few things, tight work out leggings and all.
When I went over to her she said, "I need to tell you what Myrna said when she saw you get out of the Jeep." Oh great, I thought - I KNEW I shouldn't have run around town in those clothes! Who did I think I was anyway? Miss Workout Queen. Hey everyone look at my legs! Hey everyone I have arrived!
I cringed, waiting for her to tell me.
"She said, 'What a tiny, little thing,'" my friend (who knows all about my journey of weight loss) concluded with a smile.
???????? Tiny? Little? Those words, when applied to me honestly didn't compute. I am a big, clutsy woman! I am five foot 10 inches tall for God's sake! Tiny? Little?
My face flamed in embarassment and then I really got angry at myself as I was sure that somewhere behind the kind words there was the barb waiting to embed itself in my heart. I was certain they were playing me. But both women were smiling at me, and then my friend, with obvious pride in my accomplishment invited me to tell the other clerk how I got so tiny.
As I told my story, I looked at the clerk. SHE was tiny! And yet she was calling me tiny. And, maybe more importantly, she was truly happy for me and interested. She meant no harm and her heart was kind, true and good. I later thanked her for her kind words and explained to her what that sort of compliment meant. It was an emotional moment, and I feared I would spoil the moment with tears, but I swallowed hard. I think she knows how much that meant to me.
When I returned to work I was in shock. All the way to work I tried to visualize the woman they saw get out of the Jeep, and no matter how hard I tried that woman didn't look like me. The woman who got out of her Jeep was frumpy and fat. Yup....that would be me. That's been me for years.
But I knew that what they thought they saw was likely what others saw as well. So why couldn't I see it myself? Are you telling me that even when I get "there" I will still carry the heavy burden of my vision of myself? That in my eyes I will always be fat?
The mere thought of it almost caused me to choke. What's wrong with me? Why can't I bathe in this happiness? Why can't I wear those two beautiful words with pride and dignity?
I posted my fears at BootCampBuddies, my home on the net - a place where people like me help people like me in our quest for a healthier life. One of my Buddies gave me a daily exercise - I am to look at myself in the mirror daily. Naked is better.
What? You mean look at THAT? In the mirror? After years of avoiding the mirror?
She suggested that I learn to love my body, to thank God for this body, and to forgive myself.
I did that this morning after my husband left to go do chores.
With great hesitancy I stripped off my clothes. I then tried to look at myself through fresh eyes. Have you ever done that? As a kid, I used to play this kind of game when I would clean and rearrange my room. I would close the door, then knock from the outside. When I was "let in" I would pretend that I was a stranger come to visit and would try and assess the room from that point of view.
I did that today. It's funny how we revert to childhood comforts sometimes when the going gets tough.
It surprised me, because with that stranger's eyes I didn't see the Karen I thought I knew.
Instead I saw a woman in the prime of her life. She had a firm set to her chin. And, I noticed she had a firm chin too! Not three chins, but one solid chin which let's the viewer know that she's stubborn as all get out. I looked at her eyes. They stared back at me. Honest and open. I liked that.
Then I moved on down to her neck. A little crepey with with loss. The neck of a woman nearing 50, but slender and graceful. Her shoulders were well-formed. I could tell she worked out as the collar bone and shoulders were straight and well-defined.
The breasts. What can I say? She's almost 50 and has lost over 75 lbs. But, a good bra will do her fine.
Then her belly and waist. She has a slight waist! Her belly needs some work though. I think she probably knows, however, that there is a price to pay for years of gluttony. A saggy tummy is a small price to pay.
Her hips are slender like a girls. Just a hint of a swell - enough to let one know she is a woman.
And her legs. These are the legs she always says are chicken legs. These are the things that have always embarassed her. But they're truly nice legs. Long and lean, extremely well-muscled - from years of ballet and basketball as a youth, I suppose.
All together, she's no raving beauty. But, when I think of the other woman in the mirror just last year my heart leeps in joy. All in all she's quickly becoming a complete package. The kind of woman her mother would be proud of. A woman with dignity, willpower and morals. She's kind, good hearted, fierce in protecting the people she loves. She's a leader. Yes, she's willful, and is sometimes too hard on herself. But as a whole she is the kind of woman I think I would like to know. The kind of woman I would like as my friend. Yes.
Oh, and did I mention that she's also tiny and little?
