Our Environmental Correspondent reports:
Hello and welcome to another very special ("SPECIAL!..") edition of SBA FC Unofficial, where this week we will be turning the unwavering spotlight of truth on the plight of the humble Ruddy Duck.

The Ruddy Duck, an American species originally, was brought over here in the 1940s and, after some idiot left the bird sanctuary window open, it managed to escape and, thanks to its prodigous appetite for rooting, established itself in the British ecosystem in a manner not dissimilar to its aviating cousin, the American Airman.

Despite its success in adapting to British conditions (and easy local Ducks) the fecund British Ruddy is now quite literally staring down the barrel of extinction thanks to the European Bloody Union (EBU).

Apparently, the Spanish have been complaining that the Ruddy Duck has been flying over and interbreeding with their indigenous White-Headed Duck, which is, unfortunately, an endangered species. The female White-Head also happens to find the mating dance of the male Ruddy absolutely irresistible. This then leads to an "impure" breed of Ducks which Spanish conservationists don't think a lot of and the further decline of White-Head numbers.

Therefore, the British government has agreed to cull the entire population of Ruddies in this Isle (estimated at some 4000) so that the Spanish can have back a "pure" breed of White-Headed Duck (ethnic cleansing, anyone?)

So the poor old Ruddy is in a bit of a pickle at the moment, thanks to the British government's inability to grasp two key facts: firstly, that in evolutionary terms, the White-Head is a complete dead-end if it's just going to mate with other species of ducks. We'd never have made it as far as the Renaissance if we'd spent the whole of the Middle Ages shacked up with Chimps.

Secondly, and even more damningly, the reason why White-Head numbers were so low in the first place is that the Spanish have only been going and shooting the wretched things! Now, after the foot and mouth debacle, the government is proposing to wipe out a species of perfectly healthy Duck for the sake of the EBU, when the interests of the White-Head might very well be better served by the cull of, say, a bunch of trigger-happy hicks.

You couldn't make it up.

LuG is coming!!!

Hello and welcome once again to SBA FC Unofficial, where we impale the vile hog of ignorance on our heroic boar spears of truth.

Brought to you courtesy of Tiger Tim and Danny Mac.

The recent weeks have seen a great deal of activity on this page and bugger all anywhere else. Opposition are ducking fixtures, fearful of a full-on SBA style rooting and the match tomfooleriser has hit the drink again.

However, previous match tomfoolerisers have also experienced difficulty getting games- we dug the following e-mail from Pete out of the archives (December '00):

Right, if you've downloaded this & don't have any interest whatsoever in the supporters club team, then apologies, but ample warning in the header.............

OK, I'm trying to arrange fixtures ASAP for the New Year, & comments in response to:..........

"We're about 20 minutes past Northampton"

In a helicopter maybe!

Not everyone drives like Banjo - look at me, for instance ;)

(Russ)

Dear Pete,

Hello again. I think your assurance to the Luton bloke that Cov was "only about 20 minutes past Northampton" ought to have been issued with the provision that he employs Banjocabs- the shitscariest way to get from A to C, whilst B gets splattered over the windscreen.

(Dan)

.....are possibly true.

However, we've got to encourage the Luton types to get here, so a little white lie is preferable to the whole truth and nothing but....

At the moment we are playing:

10/02/02 Luton at home
07/04/02 Leicester away.

I'm refusing to play any teams that don't don't start with the letter "L" just to narrow down the possiblities and the admin work. At a tangent, I find this a very helpful approach in one's professional life, and slightly stolen from the Cassidy Randomiser. Pull a letter from A to Z from a hat, and any work you have to do that day must begin with that letter. For example R for Reports. I've found it very useful in organising oneself, and find it a boon & a new paradigm in office management. I have a colleague busying himself at the Xylophone as we speak.

So there you have it, for what it's worth.

On a more positive note, we've had some good feedback about the site from a couple of long-term visitors and one new one:

"Thanks... my shame there for all to see..."
-Orca

"I'm Karen's Mum - loved the article!"
-Geraldine Ellis

"You doss bastard."
-Joe

"JAK ME OFF"
-Sam (text message)

So thanks to everyone for your encouragement and keep those comments/suggestions coming in.

The other good news is the we are confirmed entrants to Land Ut Gods 2003, to be held in Huddersfield. The happy day is Sunday April 6th, City are playing Preston the day before and we have a house near Wakefield where we can pitch camp to avoid early morning M1 frolics. More details are available at The Net Terriers, which also includes a rather funky photo montage, featuring the corpulent Danny C blasting a penalty past the equally ample West Ham goalie in '99.

Thanks for dropping by and mind the step...

Congratulations to Edwin and Karen!
_{...and our condolences to the Ellis family at what must be a very difficult time for them.}

Yes, Popkids, the news from North of the border this week is that SBA sweeper ordinaire, Edwin "Britney" Silvester, has proposed to his girlfriend, the very lovely Ms Karen Ellis. Britney's Law degree proved extremely advantageous, as he dressed the question up in so much legal mumbo jumbo that Karen actually thought he was asking if she liked Diamond White and was somewhat taken aback when she found out she was getting married.

Edwin, 38, whose hobbies include taking hormone supplements, waxing his legs and parading up and down Leith Docks in women's clothes, spoke excitedly to SBA FC Unofficial this morning: "For Christ's sake lads- it's four-thirty am. What the hell are you doing phoning me up at this hour?"

Karen, whose hobbies include arson, aggravated burglary and possession with intent to supply is currently under a community service order for indecent assault (despite using the plea of "provocation" that's got Edwin off so often in the past.) When asked about her betrothal, she rather enigmatically said "It's not the size of the wave- it's the motion of the ocean." When asked what she meant by that, Karen giggled nervously and said "I'm sorry, I thought you were masons." When pressed further she became violent and had to be calmed down by her parole officer.

To mark the occasion, we have a special edition of Ask Britney!

Map to MSA Sports Ground

Above is a map (of sorts) detailing the route from "The big roundabout with traffic lights" (red cross at the bottom of the map) to "the nondescript entrance opposite a speed camera" (red cross at the top of the map). Just think yourself lucky I didn't send you round the ring road...

Hallelujah, one of the first acts of the new SBA FC manager Tim James has been to reinstitute the proud old tradition of Tuesday night training, circa 1998. In attendance were Tiger Tim, myself (Danny Mac), Joe "I�ll just be five minutes" McKeown, Viscount Verrall, Matt "the Regular" Archer, Steve "the Enforcer" Moy, Midfield Micky Hibberd and the Late Russell Cassidy. Although it looks like a lot, that�s actually only eight players; seven till Russ showed up. The non-attendees we are particularly mortified with are Jesper Boss, Aussie Damien and David Beidas (last seen going into a whisky distillery). You�re all suspended until the 17th of August.

After a thirty-minute run with heavy ruck sacks, we got down to some ball skills, followed by that Sunday league staple, "two-touch" football. This proved to be one more than we generally needed, plus I got a dead leg off my own brother: flesh of my flesh, my foot...

An exhilerating, high-paced game left the hardy trainees breathless, but enthused: an ideal morale boost ahead of a potentially tricky away fixture against Reading. Russ particularly spoke of the possibility of us scoring more than thirty goals, but Tim told him that teams who play with that attitude tend to get turned over and, anyway, he�d turned up well late and owed everyone fifty press ups.

Next training session is on Tuesday, August 20th (check that) where we�ll be working on cardiovascular fitness and teaching wing backs to play the ukelele. And I�ll be perfecting my lying skills.

There are new faces at the forefront of SBA. Russ Cassidy stepped down as manager and Peter Myton handed over the reigns of match tomfooleriser. As effect from the end of Worldnet Tiger Tim will take over team affairs and Danny Mac will be the match dis-organiser.

Rumours of change had been doing the rounds for some time, but all was officially confirmed in a moving press conference after the Quarter Final defeat at Worldnet, Leeds. Russ, 58, spoke highly of his time at the helm of SBA football, "I've seen some shite in my time, but you lads take the biscuit."

Peter Myton was unavailable for comment as he had already headed off to the bar. When later asked he said, "bollocks mate."

The new managerial duo have got a tough task ahead, but are at least guaranteed a good press on this site, largely by dint of being the authors.