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As the knight of woeful countenance continued his recovery from the hands of the veterinarian, turned dentist, he had occasion to note that Sancho had time to spend with the villagers, some of who were more pleasant to behold than others. In particular he noted that Sancho seemed to enjoy the company of one particularly buxom damsel who worked at the inn providing every service that the drovers might demand. Ah, thought the Don, in my younger years I might just as well have enjoyed the fruits of youth, but now I am to be satisfied with my pledge to the beautiful Dulciana, the maid who awaits me in La Mancha. As I spend my time I shall continue to revisit my books as their messages are inscribed in the folds of my mind, and thus he spent the next week in silent thought.
It was on one occasion in the early morn that he found his friend and companion, Sancho, in great despair. Although Sancho had spent the past evening in the embrace of the warmth of the inn's stable which also served as the place where the mule drivers took their fill of the fruits of the vine, he had not the pleasure of the familiar company of the waiting maid who seemed somewhat reluctant to share her time with Sancho. In a fit of pique, he noted that some of those who spent much time with their asses, had many stories to tell that drew the attention of this fair one. How to relight the candle to draw this moth to the flame? That was the puzzle that plagued the humble Panza as he turned restlessly in his slumbers, more awake than asleep. Suddenly, Sancho sat boldly upright in his bed of coarsely woven blankets and exclaimed for all to hear (although only the Don was present); "I have it! Through his good graces, Don Quixote, master of all that he surveys, and of kind heart and willing mind has taught me to read. If I can have a book, not any book, but the Bible that my Master carries in his wallet, then I could read the book to the mule skinners, and my favorite at the bar as well, and thus earn their praise, and perhaps some other rewards as well. But I have not the book and surely the Don would never entrust it to me, not even for an evening, for it has great value. Woe, what shall I do?" And with that, Sancho lay back and fitfully returned in his slumbers.
The Knight, having listened to his servant's musings, thought long and hard on how he could assist his friend and yet retain the carefully established relationship of knight and squire that was required as they went about the quest to make right that which was wrong. But alas, nothing came to mind and Quixote as well, returned to his dreams.
In the morn, before Sancho's stomach called him to address the matter of filling, he arose from his bed and busily went about his business of discharging the waste from his bladder which had been filled to over-flow by his visit to the inn's stable bar. On return, he addressed his Master and seeing little movement from the Don, gave him a good poke in the ribs to see if he was well and ready for the morn's events. These self-same ribs which had often been abused by rapid dismounting from his steed, either forced by an adversary or from the knight's own misadventure with the stirrups, gave a quick signal that they were not free from feeling and the pain that the Don felt was enough to rouse him from any dreams in which he might dwell.
"Sancho, what means you? You have done more damage to my body than the black knight with his oaken lance. What is it that you want?"
The Don's face was red as a cock's comb. Such anger Sancho had seldom seen and he thought that if his Master showed this much enthusiasm for so simple a jab, how much better he would have fought in the many encounters in times past. He feared the storm would bring about a hail of verbal abuse and it would remove any chance of his obtaining that which he most fervently desired. Nevertheless, he was emboldened by his thoughts and he said as much. "Sir Don, I have a request of you that I humbly beg you to grant. You have taught me to read, a talent that lies dormant in my mind as I have nothing on which to practice my gift. It is as if my ass, Amadis, lacks a saddle so I must walk rather than ride."
"Dolt" said the Knight, "Talk not of riddles, my rib hurts, my bladder is over extended and my mind has not the time for games such as you are playing. Speak whatever thoughts you have and do so quickly."
"Gracious and benevolent, generous and kind, sweet and pure, victorious and great Knight of the Lions, I am in need of a small favor from thou."
"Sancho, all that you say is true, but enough. I always give to you more than you deserve, but, what is it that you want? Be mindful that you are in danger of exceeding the rights of squire as prescribed by the books that I carry in my mind."
"Sire, what I ask is a simple favor. Could you be so generous to as to give me the Bible that you carry in your wallet?"
"Give you my Bible? You have overstepped the relationship which we have long established. Give? You know that I would gladly share with you all that I have but give you my Bible? That is a request beyond the pale. I had sooner give up my quest than part with my precious Bible. Not for a moment. No it must remain in my possession as the most prized book of all that I own."
Sancho had never seen such passion and anger in the fire that he had kindled in his Master's eyes. He could only slink from the presence of the Don hoping to escape the wrath which he knew could take turns that lucifer himself could never envision.
Now upright in his feather bed, Don Quixote, at first angry but now reflective of what had taken place all but forgot that his bladder was sending a message that required attention. His kidneys won and he stepped to the inn door to relieve himself. He thought, this is not unlike when you stump your toe, you hop about in great pain, but in the process, if you happen to bump your head on a low beam, the hurt of the toe is forgotten, replaced by that new and more pressing misery. Now that I have soothed one ache, I can address the other. How, can I aid my trusty squire? I cannot give him something, free and clear. No that is against all that I have taught him. He knows as well as I, that when something of value is desired, an exchange of equal substance is required. But what has Sancho of value equal to that of my Bible?
Time passed and while others feasted on eggs and bacon and black bread spread with butter and perhaps honey as well, our Valorous Knight remained in thought. And, finally as is to be expected from one of such learning, he came to a conclusion of how all could be made right. He went seeking his squire who he found in conversation with Amadis.
"Sancho, I have it, the solution to your problem. Listen carefully my friend and see if it does not answer your prayers." I propose to lend you my Bible. You may have it for the time that we are guest at this inn. Take it and freely read from it. Entertain your friends, the mule drivers, maids and whoever else you may seek to please. When we depart, you will return it to me."
"Oh master, you are generous to a fault. Thank you, thank you, thank you." And Sancho dropped to his knees making somewhat of a fool of himself as he realized that the stable floor was less than clean and the dampness was not of water but of other fluids. But he remained in this position awaiting the Don's next words.
"Clumsy one, do you not remember a smidgen of what I have taught you. You must give me something of equal value in exchange."
"But Master Quixote, what have I to offer? You know all that I possess are these clothes that I wear, such as they are; my ass, Amadis, who would be of no worth to you as we stay here in the inn; and the few gatherings of food that I keep in my knapsack, stray leavings from the table that are intended to shield us from future hard times. What can I offer in exchange?"
"Sancho, the comely lass who works in the stable seems to have an interest in you. While I have no need for a woman, I believe that I might find entertainment with her. Perhaps I can instruct her in the ways of logic. It would be a challenge to me and provide amusement for me while we are forced to stay here as I recover from my bout with the dentist."
"Sire, I cannot give you the pleasure of her company. You know that her attention is that which I desire and which is the cause of my request for the Bible."
"You cannot have it both ways. You must make your decision. Do you want the Bible?"
Sancho thought, there are more fish in the sea. If I possess the book, I can cast my net and surely I will be rewarded. Why want for an olive when I can have the tree. With this he made his decision. "Most generous one, knight of shining armour, I accept your offer. I will see that the chosen one, accompanies you in your walks. I hold no other interest in her. May God bless your efforts to teach her. She has interest in other things and it will be good to see if you can win the battle for her mind."
"Done," said Quixote. "Have her prepare a basket, she and I will walk to the grove of oaks and there we will begin our lessons."
Sancho now began the most difficult part of the arrangement. However, he was able to persuade the lass that she would be rewarded if she spent her afternoons with the old man and so she did as bid.
That very afternoon, Don Quixote and the lass went to the corpse of trees and finding a spot of shade where a cool breeze caressed them, they began their first lesson.
"Fair one, I believe your name to be Sevillie, having been named by your mother for the home place of the one who sired you (this to account for the children of the house that were without number,) we will undertake a study of logic so that you can be reasonable in your decisions."
"Well what of it, Ize gets along just fine with the ways of the people I grew up with. How can you learn me anything of value, old man? What do I get out of this?"
"Maid Sevillie, you will be rewarded most handsomely. You will be able to tell when someone is offering something of false value and when they are telling the truth."
"If you mean I can tell when they are pulling my leg or have some other body part in mind, let's have a go at it."
"I believe you mean to say that you agree to our taking time to study the ways and means of logic."
"Yeah" she replied. And the deal was set. They would meet each afternoon, have a basket lunch and would practice the ways in which words are meant to deceive. With that, Sevillie and the Don did partake of the cheese and bread that were within the hopper as well as the skin of wine which she had someway come to possess from the inn. Unaccustomed to such strong drink, he being fond mostly of water, he was soon in his cups and Sevillie saw that if she was to be at the inn's bar at her appointed time she would have to assist the Don in regaining his feet and making the best of it in seeing him to his quarters. This she did with little effort since the knight weighed but a few stones more than she. He was soon in his feathers and she at her bar where she was surprised to hear Sancho beginning his first reading from the Bible.
The following morn came far too soon for Don Quixote who found that the simple act of raising his head from the breastplate that he used for a pillow was almost too much to bear. If that be not enough, he found his squire deep in slumbers making sounds that shook the candle in its holder. "Sancho, arise the cock has announced the morning and I have need of your services." To this Sancho paid not the least attention as he continued to snore. Slowly and with great agony, the Don rose from his soft bed and standing fully erect directed a kick at the side of his companion. Whether it be the shadows of the room or his lack of coordination, is not known, but his foot went well wide of the mark and he found himself propelled by his own energies in a slow arch, seating himself upon the hibernating mound which was the squire plus several horsehair blankets with which he covered himself.
As to be expected, the collapse of the Don upon Sancho produced an effect although not exactly that which was desired by Quixote. Sancho sat bolt upright in a motion that cast off the lighter weight of the famous knight as though a feather and he cried out in a voice that awakened all who were within the inn. "Necromancers, Dopplegangers, Merlin's troupes, Knights and Dwarfs; I am attacked. Sir Knight arise and defend your humble servant from this assault." As Sancho rubbed his eyes in disbelief, he saw his master in a crumpled state on the floor, holding his head as if it had been cleaved by a single stroke of some mysterious blade. "Oh, my Lord. What shall I do? My good master has been laid to rest and I am alone in this country far from my home, wife and children. What shall I do?"
Finally and with some difficulty, Don Quixote gained some semblance of dignity and softly said to Sancho, "If you please, shout no more but fetch me a pail and some water for I feel that the contents of my stomach are about to leave me, and how much I wish my brain would do so as well." With that he lay back on the stone floor waiting for Sancho to do his bidding.
As his master seemed not too much injured from the assault that had been directed on the two of them, Sancho did as he was bid and offered the chamber pot to the Don while he went in search of water. The fowl smelling honey pot placed next to the Don's nose was enough to cause an up welling from his stomach and fortunate it was that it was positioned to receive his charge.
When Sancho returned with a dipper of water, he found his master in much better straits than he had left him but Quixote still held his head as if it had been busted. With the offering of the cool water, Quixote was able to finally quiet his stomach and in fact the drumming within his brain was somewhat diminished. He returned to his feather bed and lay quietly for some minutes before he spoke to Sancho.
"I have agreed to undertake a most foolish task. The instruction of the bar girl Sevillie is I believe beyond my abilities, yet I have pledged to do so. Sancho, she is without salvation. She tries my patience. She is hardly capable of understanding the spoken word. It is your fault, you and your desire for the Bible which you believe will bring you fame and attention. You have caused me to enter into a contract with the devil himself. If I used the words, I would damn you, but being a knight of highest rank and honor, I must do that which I agreed."
"Go and tell Sevillie that we will continue our instruction. She is to meet me at the inn's entry sharply, when the sun is directly overhead. Have her prepare a modest meal for us and be ready to begin our lessons which we will take under the oaks."
With that, Don Quixote fell back upon his bed and there remained for much of the morning. Finally he arose, attended his toilet and drew on his pants over the night shirt which he wore. Standing as straight as possible he addressed himself in the fragment of looking glass that was wedged in the wall and judging himself presentable to the world, went to the entrance to await Sevillie.
It was just as he had feared, she came not with any knowledge of what was to take place. As if under contract to please a customer with some act that was not altogether to her liking, she carried the basket under an arm and kept a good distance from this disheveled caricature of a man who claimed to be a knight. Slowly they proceeded along the path, not a word was spoken and when they finally arrived at the trysting place under the trees, she spread a blanket on which they could sit and eat their lunch.
As she stuffed her face with the pilfered goods from the pantry, Don Quixote positioned himself with his back against the near oak tree and sipped on water which Sancho had prepared for him in a skin. Not a word was spoken as she went about her task and soon she was finished. Now, he spoke; "Today, we begin our lesson on understanding communications between man or woman, if the case may be. Sancho has a saying; "Talk is cheap." And, I shall show how true that expression is, as well as instructing you on how to, using another of Sancho's sayings; "separate the wheat from the chaff."
Sevillie crossed her legs and leaned forward, this was going to be more of a pain than she had imagined but a deal was a deal and Sancho had promised her a coin if she would indulge the old man in his simple pleasures. At least he wasn't going to be as weird as some of the others that passed this way and demanded of her other satisfactions. She said, "Go on." And he did.
"First let us consider something as simple as an exchange of words. They can be either just to pass the time or perhaps of more interesting value. Suppose, if you will, that someone is attempting to sway you to act in a way that is to their advantage, maybe not to yours. We now must consider if it is moral or ethical."
She interrupted, "I know all about someone trying to take advantage of me, that's moral like the priest says, but I don't understand ethics. What are you taking about?"
Quixote was mildly surprised, perhaps there was a glimmering of hope here after all. At least she was listening. "You are correct, there is a vast difference between morals and ethics. Ah, ethics. When you say that you are going to do something, and you do it, you are being ethical. When you don't do what you agreed to do, that is unethical. Ethics is the study of human conduct as well as the philosophy that underlays how people interact. It's the determination of right and wrong. Ethics, properly implemented, is an understanding of right and wrong."
"Neither the Friendly Qualities and kind Affections that are natural to Man, nor the real Virtues he is capable of acquiring by Reason and Self-Denial, are the Foundation of Society; but that what we call the Evil in this World, Moral as well as Natural, is the grand Principle that makes us sociable Creatures, the solid Basis, the Life and Support of all Trades and Employments without Exception: That there we must look for the true Origin of all Arts and Sciences, and that the Moment Evil ceases, the Society must be spoiled, if not totally dissolved." (Editors' note; this is from Mandeville's, Fable of the Bees, [428].) "So you see the devil in all of us creates challenges and for our own preservation it is important to judge that which is ethical and moral, which means that we must be able to distinguish the character of what man says."
"You mean if he's pulling our leg, or trying to flim-flam us?"
"Exactly. I shall, in our next meeting, begin to instruct you as to how one goes about identifying fallacies in logic and reason. For your thoughts and studies, I leave you with the first of our fallacies which is, generalizations made too quickly and without basis. Consider, the mule drivers staying at the inn are gypsies, they speak Spanish as well as you and I, therefore all mule drivers are gypsies and speak Spanish."
"Really, I didn't know that. That's amazing!"
"What's amazing is that it's wrong. It's a fallacy, the next group of drivers that come by are likely as not to be to be from Castile and be of true Spanish blood, or the next group of gypsies who stay here may be sons of Egypt and speak not a word of Spanish."
"You see you have reached a conclusion that is based on a generalization that is based on inadequate information."
"Why that's true. I was wrong. I'll call it hasty pudding. It's made too quick from simple stuff that's not always the best."
Don Quixote was astounded, this simple girl seemed to have grasped the ways of logic on his first attempt. And with that, they gathered up their blanket and returned to the inn after agreeing that they would meet again two days hence since the following day was Sunday.
That evening, Don Quixote was surprised to discover that his thoughts were no longer on fair Dulciana but sometimes drifted to what he might next expose Sevillie to. And, the following day he was much restless as he planned for their meeting. Sancho found that he could not escape his master's voice, and was called upon to polish the harness of both Amadis and Rozinante, make repairs on the knight's equipment and do the various tiding that placed their other possessions in a better state. The Don called on the veterinarian to give both brutes a dose of vermifuge and the blacksmith was scheduled to trim Rozinante's hooves. He also visited the clothing vender at the market where he selected a not too well worn suit which he was assured could be fitted at no additional cost. The day passed and the next morn, Quixote arose before the cock and was about his habit, taking a bit of time to trim the hair that seemed to grow better from his nose and ears than from his scalp. For the first time in months, he ate eggs and drank a cup of the dark brew which some found favor with. Finally, the sun was at its peak and Sevillie appeared with a full basket, ready for their studies.
They were soon seated under their tree and while the lunch was being spread, Quixote began the day's lesson.
"Tell me of generalizations made too quickly."
Almost verbatim, Sevillie repeated their last session, mule drivers and all. Don Quixote was most pleased and paused to study his pupil most closely. Yes, she possessed a quick wit about herself, would be considered attractive by most, and seemed to draw pleasure from her meetings with him. He thought, how nice it is to spend an afternoon with such a person, and then he lost himself in the topic of the day, teaching her more of the fallacies in logic.
"Here is a list of the subjects which we will discuss. I have carefully written them so that you may study them in detail."
"But I can't read." she protested.
"It matters not, you have only to see the position of the argument in the list and remember the first word, then you can remember what we have studied. Here, I'll show you." And he presented her with the list which he had carefully prepared.
Ad misericordiam - rather than addressing the question, the debater presents a list of all that is wrong with the world, children starving, species becoming extinct, people imprisoned, climate changing, ad nauseam. You then are sympathetic to his particular cause which has no relationship to anything which has gone before.
Ad nauseam - the presenter often times continues to argue long after the debate is over. Expounding beyond that which is necessary to make his point, and often losing the argument.
Contradictory premises - when the argument offers conflicting statements, you are confused and therefore unable to make a judgement.
Dicto simpliciter - unqualified assumptions are used to lead to a conclusion.
False analogy - a reasonable set of information is presented which is directly applicable to particular circumstances but has nothing to do with the issue under consideration.
False premise - an erroneous "fact" is presented and you are to make your judgement based upon it as though it were correct.
Flattery will get you no where - swaying the opinion of another by offering praise without substantially changing the argument.
Hasty generalization - too few "facts" are presented to permit reaching a valid conclusion.
Hobson's choice - forcing a decision based on a set of circumstances, which permit no other considerations.
Humbug - Barnum said, "I am not a humbug." He wasn't; he gave value for what he charged. A humbug does not.
Hypothesis contrary to fact - this fallacy causes one to assume that only the conclusion drawn is the proper one and ignores that it is a hypothesis that is unproven and perhaps cannot be proven.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it - Persuading the listener that accepting that which is offered is o.k. Don't make any changes although they would surely be for the better.
Kill the messenger - make the issue so unpopular that you despise the one who raised the issue in the first place.
Lies, more lies and damn lies - heaping lie upon lie until the listener is overwhelmed and then asked to jump to judgement.
Malingering obstricticus - "official" action intended to delay rather than implement. While governmental bodies are most frequently the source of this fallacy, businesses as well practice it successfully. aka - I only wanted to help.
Modus interruptus - interrupting incessantly to control the argument. In other words, not letting the other side have time to present their viewpoints.
Non sequitur - you are expected to jump to a conclusion based on a "facts" that are unrelated.
Poisoning the well - degrading the stature of the other side of an argument so that you make a judgement not on the merits of the case but instead on the degraded character of the opponent.
Post hoc - discrediting a statement by questioning if the event ever happened. Did I really say that? It depends on what the meaning of "is" is. I can't remember. I was drinking a lot of tea and may have been out of the room when that was discussed. I didn't know it was a "fund raising" event.
Stalling - deliberately taking time from another so that the issue will be based on whatever has already been presented. Denying the other side a fair hearing.
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Here ends part one of Fallacies. Please go to Part Two
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* S. J. Mahtrow, May 6, 2001
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