KAS - Humour - Clean (ish)

KARIBA ANGLING SOCIETY
Humour - Clean(ish) Jokes etc.

These jokes are a variety, there are just not that many fishing jokes around. Should bring a smile to your face though.

JOKE:
A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. She browses around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely rug?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely to sh*t when you hear the price!"

JOKE
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center.
Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.
By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

JOKE : How To Survive With Women:
Treat Them Like Your Car - Part I
1. Give it a regular, thorough going over.
2. Rub it down nicely.
3. Make sure it's waxed regularly.
4. Is it easy to turn on? Does it need manual crank starting? Or bump starting?
5. Ensure your stick is firm and is not jamming.
6. Change the lubrication.
7. Check the rubber is not wearing thin.
8. Lift up the front and have a long hard look.
9. Check the rear end is clean and tidy.
10. Check for spare tire and any handles.
11. Keep an eye on fuel consumption.
12. Make sure the top can come down and look good on hot, summer days.
13. Make sure you will not have to spend half your paycheck on accessories for it.
14. Are the bodywork and lines to your liking? Is the interior comfortable?
15. Ensure that it responds well to you when you're in the driving seat.

JOKE : GETTING OLDER
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

JOKE : Fishing Tackle
A couple went on a fishing vacation. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out. She rowed out to the middle, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment."

JOKE :
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad.
"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

JOKE :Trust
A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed his instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's butt was that glass eye staring right back at him!
"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

JOKE:
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
“He said you're going to die," she replied.

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