JOKES

Computers

Computer Genders

Computers DO Have A Gender

Five reasons why computers must be female...

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message, "Bad command or file name," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

In the interest of gender equality ...
TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the day.

Drug Dealers versus Software Developers

Refer to their clients as "users".
Refer to their clients as "users".

"The first one's free!"
"Download a free trial version..."

Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).
Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).

Strange jargon: "Stick," "Rock," "Dime bag," "E".
Strange jargon: "SCSI," "RTFM," "Java," "ISDN".

Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.

Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent mixes.
Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, faster machines.

Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.

Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem. 'Nuff said.

Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

The Engineer, Manager and Programmer

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said, "I think you are both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

General Motors Vs. Microsoft

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Mr. Gates' comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO)

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.
The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by one "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.
The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.
Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine."

Life After Life

Dictionary

Dating

DICTIONARY OF MODERN DATING
------------------------------------------------

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

Very Adut Daffynitions

College : A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Etc : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.
Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO,instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Dictionary: The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.
Taxpayers: People who don't have to pass a civil service exam in order to work for the government.
Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Vicious Circle: A wedding ring.
Wedding Ring: A one-man band.
Wiener: The first to cross the line in a Mexican horse race.
Wife: The woman who stands by her husband through all the trouble he wouldn't have had if he had stayed single.
Will: A dead giveaway.
Window Dresser: A girl who doesn't pull down the shades.
Zebra: The largest size a woman can buy.

Language

EuroEnglish

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of negotiations, Her Majesty Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgraful, and they would go.

By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining"ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Insurance Claims

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing served to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
9. I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
10. I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
11. I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
13. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
16. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
20. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
21. In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
22. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
23. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

Painting the Porch

Stosh had been out of work for close to two years. Needless to say, he was getting pretty desperate for money. He decided to go to the nicer, richer neighbourhoods around the town and look for odd jobs as a handyman.

Well, the first house he came to, a man answered the door and told Stosh,
"Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch ?"
"Sure, that sounds great !" said Stosh."
Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you ?" said the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right ?" asked Stosh.
"Yeah, that's great. You'll find all the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back to his house to his wife, who had been listening.

"Fifty bucks ! Does he know the porch goes all the way around the house ?" asked the wife.
" Well, he must, he was standing right on it." her husband replied.

About 15 minutes later, Stosh knocked on the door.
"I'm all finished." he told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch ?"
"Yeah," Stosh replied."I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats."

The man reached into his wallet to pay Stosh.
"Oh, by the way, "said Stosh," That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

No Good Lawyers

At The Barn

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn. "No problem", spoke the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?", asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.

"What's wrong, now?, the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow!

Engineer and Lawyer

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him. God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

The Bandit

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in the back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

The Brass Rat

A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, "It's been returned twice already, and I don't want to see it again."

Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow into the depths.

The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, "Look, I told you there would be no returns." The man quickly replied, " Oh no, that's fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer."

Barbequed Lawyers

A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows:

* Sauted Tourist $10
* Braised Reporter $12
* Fried Diplomat $15
* Barbecued Lawyer $110

A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much.

The headhunter replied, "if you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand."

Lawyer Brain

For another twist,
Cannibal menu:
Fried Scientist brain...... $5/lb
Barbecued Reporter brain.... $10/lb
Poached Tourist brain...... $20/lb
Scrambled Lawyer brain..... $200/lb

Q: Why the difference?
A: Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make one pound of brain??

Lawyer Quiz

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pinscher.

Q:What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A:You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.

Jury Duty

A true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty:

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

Lawyers and the Devil

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

...

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

...

Having passed on, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?"

"They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on earth," replied the devil. "What's your second question?"

"Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the lawyers' clock?"

Puzzled, the devil scanned the room. "Oh, yes!" he finally exclaimed. "We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan."

...

The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer.

"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?"

The Mistake

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"

The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

The Butcher's Roast

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said,"Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"

"$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .

The Bill

"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money." "Why do you say that?" "Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'."

The Case

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honours, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!" His father responded: "You idiot!, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!"

The Accident

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined."You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

The Lawyer's Children

What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
And his son? Bill.

Cross-examination Questions

The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nation-wide...

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Were you alone or by yourself?

How long have you been a French Canadian?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So you were gone until you returned?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honour, I'd like to strike the next question".

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Q: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you listen for a heart beat?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?
A: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practising law somewhere.

Senior Partner

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to do legal research.

The man then asks about the next parrot and he is told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win in any court on any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and he is told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him Senior Partner".

The Best Defence

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,

"Ribbit. 9 Iron"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog,eh?"

The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?", the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table,the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don'tknow how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

The Lawsuit

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!" Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them.", replied the man. "What?" shouted the lawyer? "I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

Who Came First?

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.

The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?

"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.

"Wait," said the engineer. "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter chaos?"

"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer...

Legal Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

The Trial

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise his case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Terrorists

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than 500 lawyers were taken as hostages.

The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

At The Urinal

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands.

Gender Differences

Men & Women

MEN ARE MARVELOUS CREATURES
================================
If you kiss him, he kisses you back
If you don't, he patiently waits
If you praise him, he says thank you
If you don't, he feels secure in your love
If you agree to all his likes, you have met your fantasy man
If you don't, you still get along
If you visit him often, he welcomes you every time
If you don't, he'll visit you instead
If you are well dressed, he says you are beautiful
If you don't, you are still beautiful
If you are jealous, he reassures you and holds you
If you're not, he gives you no reason to be
If you attempt a romance, he sweeps you off your feet
If you don't, he'll love you from afar
If you are a minute late, he is grateful for your arrival
If he is late, he apologizes and makes it up to you
If you visit another man, he is secure that you love only him
If he is visited by another woman, you are secure that he loves only you
If you kiss him once in a while, he's appreciative of your affection
If you kiss him often, he will always have you on his mind
If he fails to help you in crossing the street, you know you're a big girl
If he does, he shows that he'll always be there for you
If you stare at another man, he knows that you're only admiring
If he is stared at by other women, you know why -- he's one hot bab
If you talk, he'll always listen
If you listen, he'll tell you anything you want to know

In short:
So complex, yet so direct
So strong, yet so supportive
So dazzling, yet so humble
So passionate, yet so marvelous...

WOMEN ARE COMPLEX CREATURES
=================================
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful...
..WOMEN!

More about Men & Women

1. women are unpredictable. b4 marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him and after death, she respects him.

2. there was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. they got married - and now he is goin' thru hell.

3. a man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "wife wanted". next day, he received a hundred letters. they all said the same thing: "you can have mine."

4. when a man opens the door of his car for his wife, ya can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new.

5. it's easy to tell if a man is married or not. just watch him drive a car with a woman sittin' beside him. if both his hand are on the wheel, ya can be sure he is married.

6. a man received a letter from some kidnappers. the letter said. "if ya don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise we will kidnap your wife." the poor man wrote back, "i'm afraid i can't keep my promise but i hope your will keep yours."

7. "what's the matter, you look depressed".
"i'm havin problem with my wife."
"what happened?"
"she said she wasn't goin' to speak to me for 30 days."
"but that ought to make you happy."
"it did, but today is the last day."

Seminars

SEMINARS FOR MALES
(prepared and presented by females)
---------------------------------------- 1. You, Too, Can Do Housework
2. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
3. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
6. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. Techniques of Calling Home
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonymous
13. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
14. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
17. Garbage: Kitchen to Curbside

SEMINARS FOR FEMALES
(prepared and presented by males)
---------------------------------------- 1. Are You Ready to Leave?: Definition of the Word YES
2. Appropriate Rhetorical Questions (formerly titled "Honey, Do I Look Fat?")
3. Elementary Map Reading
4. Crying and Law Enforcement
5. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
6. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
7. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
8. The Seven-Outfit Week
9. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (formerly "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With It")
10. Driving : Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
11. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
12. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
13. We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
14. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
15. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
17. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
19. MYOB: Proper Response to Other Couple's Public Arguments
21. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

New "Drive-thru" Cash Point Machines

Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-thru" cash point machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember it for when you use the machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE

1 Drive up to the cash machine
2 Wind down your car window
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5 Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card
6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside backpage
12 Enter PIN
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 metres
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Re-check make-up
25 Restart stalled engine and pull off
26 Drive for 3 to 4 miles
27 Release hand brake

The Difference Between Men and Women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. Theycontinue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he Wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out,and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and ................

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh gosh, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes,,,,."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeplyinvolved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend o f his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

Brain Differences

Blind Date

Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awestruck at how beautiful and sexy she is.
He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts... "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

Beer Testing

Think about this ...Yesterday, scientists for the USDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Marriage

50th Anniversay

The man and woman had been married for 50 years and it was their wedding anniversary. The wife asked her husband what he wanted for an anniversary present. He thought for a few minutes and then stated that for years now, he has wondered what she kept in that locker drawer in her bureau. She had kept it locked since they were married and he was dying to find out what it was.

The wife thought about it for a moment, then agreed, She went over and unlocked the drawer. And there inside was what appeared to be thousands of dollars. The drawer was completely full of money. And on top of the pile was three eggs. Now the husband is really curious and he asks her what the three eggs were for. She told him that any time she had been unfaithful to him during their marriage, she had placed an egg in the drawer to remind her of what she had done.

At first, the man was devastated. He felt betrayed by her transgression. But the more he thought about it...after all...it HAD...been y years and there WERE only three eggs...he decided to forgive her and told her so.

The he asked where all the money was from and his wife replied," Everytime I got a dozen eggs, I sold them !"

Husbands

NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?
SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!

-------------------------------------

When met by a long procession of people led by a man with a dog, Joe asked the man,

"Who died?"
"My Mother in law."
"How?"
"The dog bit her."
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

---------------------------------------- A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.

-----------------------------------------------------

WIFE: The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
HUSBAND: Which is this?

-----------------------------------------------------

NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?
SPOUSE: Sure, what are my choices?
NEWLYWED: Yes and no.

----------------------------------------------------

DIET DEFINITION: The word 'stressed' makes perfect sense when you realize it is 'desserts' spelled backwards.

----------------------------------------------------

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

-----------------------------------------------------

MRS MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong when he's out of town.

---------------------------------------- A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

-----------------------------------------<

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

-----------------------------------------<

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

---------------------------------------- A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

--------------------------------------

A couple was having a discussion about family finances.. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

--------------------------------------

A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see
what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Marriage

1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
5. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
6. Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
7. Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries inherited forever.
8. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffe-Ring
- The Endu-Ring
9. Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.
10. It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
11. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
12. It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of them get MARRIED!
13. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married.
A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
14. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
15. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
16. There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I ... and then it was too late!"
17. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
18. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.
19. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
20. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

SOME DEFINITIONS OF MARRIAGE

ARCHITECT: A man is said to be incomplete before he's married. After that, he's finished.
BANKER: Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay the interest.
CARDIOLOGIST: Love is an itch around the heart that cannot be scratched.
ECONOMIST: Marriage is like a barter trade. There must be a double coincidence of wants.
FIREMAN: Husbands these days are like fires. They go out if left unattended.
GOLDSMITH: Love comes in three rings. The first is the engagement ring. Then comes the wedding ring and then the suffering.
MATHEMATICIAN: Give your wife an inch and she becomes the ruler.
MUSICIAN: Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
OPHTHALMOLOGIST: Love is blind. But marriage is an eye opener.
OPTICIAN: Before you get married, open two eyes. After that, close one eye.
PHILOSOPHER: Marriage teaches you forbearances, meekness, patience, thriftiness and a great many things you wouldn't need if you had stayed single.
PIANIST: Marriage is like a piano. How well it sounds depends on how well you keep it in tune.
PLUMBER: Marriage is like a warm bath. Once you get used to it, it is not so hot.
SOLDIER: Marriage is like a besieged castle. Those who are outside try to get in while those who are inside try to get out.
SYSTEM ANALYST: Getting married is like implementing a system; you need to find out the requirements before installation; and once a while needs reengineering to keep the system running.
VIOLINIST: Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
WASHERWOMAN: Marriage is the most expensive way to get your laundry free.
DOCTOR: Marriage should not be a doctor-patient relationship - where one party practises defensive medicine for fear that the other would sue for negligence or malpractice.

Tough Questions

The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers

The five questions are:

1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear," said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear," he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes," said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."

Married Life

Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl : Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Son : Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mum : Well, you have done the right thing.
Son : But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Wife to husband : "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to Wife : "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to Husband : "What?! At 2 a.m.?! "
Husband to Wife : "Yes . We used night clubs."

A newly married man asked his wife," Would u have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly ," I'd have married u NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

2 atoms are sitting at a bar. Suddenly one says to another, "I've just lost an electron !"
"Are u sure?" asks the other.
"Yes" the first atom replies," I'm positive."

Efficiency

A businessman taking a seminar on efficiency completed a case study of his wife's routine for fixing breakfast, and presented the results to the class.

"After a few days of observation, I quickly determined the practices that were robbing her of her precious time and energy," the man reported, "taking note of how many trips she made from the kitchen to the dining room carrying just one item, I suggested that in the future she carry several items at a time."

"Did it work?", the teacher asked.

"It sure did," replied the businessman, "instead of taking her 20 minutes to fix my breakfast, it now takes ME just seven."

The Labour Machine

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival , the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 per cent for starters, explaining that even 10 per cent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine , so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 per cent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this they decided to try for 50 percent . The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain , she and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the mailman dead on their porch.

The Beard

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard.

"Oh James, I like your beard, but i would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!"
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...
"Oh really, I can't," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

The Wizard

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".

When the Husband Cooks

At the Office

New Office Regulations

Due to focus on overtime and expense control during this period, it has become necessary to put into effect immediately the following rules and procedures:

1) Sickness
No excuse. The Company will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof. It you are able to go to a doctor, you are able to attend work.

2) Death (Your Own)
This will be accepted as an excuse. We would like two weeks' notice, since we feel that it is your duty to train someone else for your job, as a back-up.

3) Death (Other Than Your Own)
This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them, and henceforth no time will be allowed for funerals. However, in case of hardships, the Company has a special scheme, in conjunction with the local cemetery, for lunch-time burials, thus ensuring that no time is lost from work.

4) Leave Of Absence For Operation
No time off will be allowed for an operation. The Company believes that as long as you are an employee, you will need all of whatever parts you already have, and will not consider having any of it removed. We have engaged you for a particular job,with all your parts, and to have anything removed would mean that the Company is getting less than what it is contracted for.

5) Visits To The Toilet
Far too much time on this particular practice. In future, all staff members will go in alphabetical order. All surnames beginning with "A" will go from 9:45 am to 10:00 am. Those beginning with "B" will go from 10:05 am to 10:20 am, and so on. Anyone unable to attend at the appropriate times will have to wait until the following day for their turn to come around.

DEFINITION - "Staff Members" are those who have all the time in the world to read this memo, but no time to work!

Office Rules

1. In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
2. a. Anyone can make a decision given enough facts.
b. A good manager can make a decision without enough facts.
c. A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.
3. The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the Boss walks in your office.
4. Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
5. An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex, incomprehensible truth.
6. If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then you just don't understand the problem.
7. The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
8. Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
9. If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy man - he will find an easier way to do it.

Balls

When the staff goes out together after work, they talk about football or basketball.
When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis or baseball.
Top management discusses golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.

S.H.I.T.

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FR: MANAGEMENT
RE: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

The Young Executive and the C.E.O.

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.

"I just need one copy."

The Ballonist

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?!"

The man below says, "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering thirty feet above this field."

"You must work in engineering," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "And you must be a corporate manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Fastest Dad

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that`s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

Government Worker

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.

"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF!

He's back in his government office.

The REAL Meaning(s)

1) For your information, please.
We don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.

2) Note and Return.
We don't know what to do with this, so please keep it a little while.

3) Review and comment.
Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.

4) Action, please.
Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.

5) For your necessary actions, please.
It's your headache now.

6) Copy to.
Here's a share of the headache.

7) For your approval, please.
Put your neck on the chopping block for me, please.

8) Action is being taken.
Your correspondence is lost and we are still trying to locate it.

9) Your letter is receiving our attention.
We are still trying to figure out what you want.

10) Please discuss.
I don't know what the %S*^&@ this is, so please brief me.

11) For your immediate action.
Do it NOW! OR we'll all get into trouble.

12) Please reply soon.
Please be efficient. It makes me revert to the Requester/complainant. Need to look efficient.

13) We are investigating/processing your request with the relevant authorities.
They are causing the delay, not us.

Bad Day

If you thought you were having a bad day, listen to this. This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope...

I love my job

I love my job, I love my pay,
I love it more and more each day,
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location,
I hate to have to go on vacation,
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And the paper that piles up every day!

I love my chair in my padded cell!
There's nothing else I love so well,
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers and jeers and sneers,

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it don't care...
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in awhile!

I'm happy to be here, I am, I am,
I'm the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam,
I love this work; I love these chores,
I love the meetings with deadly bores,

I love my job- I'll say it again,
I even love these friendly men,
These men who've come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!

One-Liners

Actual Headlines From Newspapers

"Iraqi Head Seeks Arms"
"Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"
"Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case"
"Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax"
"Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim"
"Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years"
"If Strike Is Not Settled Quickly, It May Last A While"
"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge"
"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead"
"Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge"
"Kids Make Nutritious Snack"
"Local High School Drop Out Cut In Half"
"New Vaccine May Contain Rabies"
"Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing"
"Include Your Children When Baking Cookies"
"Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says"

Actual Signs Seen Across the USA

1. At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
2. In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
3. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy
4. On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.
5. In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
6. In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
7. In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.
8. In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
9. In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Centre
10. On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
11. On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
12. At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
13. On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
14. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
15. In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
16. In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
17. In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!
18. On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced
19. Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.
20. In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?
21. In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.
22. On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.
23. In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
24. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
25. On a roller coaster: Watch your head.
26. On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission.
27. On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
28. Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
29. And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw stones at this sign."

Signs seen by World Travelers

TOKYO HOTEL: "Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis."

BUCHAREST HOTEL: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

LEIPZIG ELEVATOR: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."

JAPANESE HOTEL: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

BELGRADE ELEVATOR: "To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving then going alphabetically by national order."

PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: "Please leave your values at the front desk."

ATHENS HOTEL: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily."

MOSCOW HOTEL: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday."

SWISS MENU: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

POLISH MENU: "Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."

HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

BANGKOK DRY CLEANERS: "Drop your trousers here for best results."

PARIS DRESS SHOP: "Dresses for street walking."

GREEK TAILOR SHOP: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

SOVIET NEWSPAPER: "There will be a Moscow exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors-these were executed over the past two years."

GERMAN CAMPING SITE: "It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose."

HONG KONG AD: "Teeth extracted by the latest methodists."

ROME LAUNDRY: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: "Special today-no ice cream."

COPENHAGEN AIRLINE: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."

MOSCOW HOTEL: "If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it."

NORWEGIAN LOUNGE: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

BUDAPEST ZOO: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

ROMAN DOCTOR: "Specialist in women and other diseases."

ACULPULCO HOTEL: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

TOKYO CAR RENTAL FIRM: "When passer of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."!

Ads

Satisfaction Guaranteed or double your garbage back! - on the back of a garbage truck
Your number two is our number one. - on the side of a septic service truck You can't beat our meat. - on a Culver City meat company truck
For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last
Stock up and save. Limit: one
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
See ladies blouses. 50% Off!
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
Ladies, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play.
Semiannual After-Christmas Sale
And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
Illiterate? Write for free information.

The End Of The World

When the end of the world arrives, how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER!
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING!
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE!
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Dan Quayle Quotes

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
"Public speaking is very easy."
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make."
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate."

Women

Haircuts

Women's Version:

Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cuuuuute!
Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 2: Oh no, it's perfect! I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this style, I think.
Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute on you. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 2: Oh, now *that's* funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Woman 2: Do you think so? Oh, you're just saying that!
Woman 1: No! Really, I mean it...

Men's Version:

Man 2: Haircut?
Man 1: Ummhmm.

Analysis Of Woman

WOMAN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.
Physical Properties :
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
Chemical Properties :
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.
Uses :
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.
Tests :
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Cautions :
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
Use extreme care when handling.
b) ILLEGAL TO POSSESS MORE THAN ONE.

Bug Warning

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.

No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5 and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

The features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:

- A "Don't remind me again" button;
- Minimize button;
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources;
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks - all versions of GirlFriend continually pop-up little annoying messages about the advantage of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

UNDOCUMENTED BUG

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete Microsoft Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

BUG WORK-AROUNDS

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

FeMail

Introducing FeMail!

This new product will reduce your communications needs considerably. Its intuitive interactions will often leave you scratching your head in wonder. From your minimal communications with this package, it will quickly presume who your friends are (and even what their habits are), who you should be communicating with in order to advance your career, and let you know continually whether you are communicating effectively with the FeMail itself.

You may find that FeMail reduces your unnecessary communications with friends and associates. Your FeMail will intercept incoming communications from all sources and make a determination as to whether or not they should be relayed to you. The FeMail is especially thorough when examining messages from other FeMail systems. These messages will be examined for intent as well as content.

Messages that are received from other Mails will be scanned for intention by your FeMail. Any messages that will reduce your productivity at home or at the office (invitations to bars or parties, where the FeMail may lose contact with you for more than two hours for example) will be delivered to you only after they can no longer be acted upon. A true productivity increase is then possible, and your FeMail will even help your decide how to use this spare time to attend to maintenance issues.

In fact, you may find that the FeMail methods are far beyond your comprehension. Often times the FeMail responses you receive will be 180 degrees different than the direction you thought you were heading. In every case though, you will be compelled to agree with the decisions that your FeMail makes. Most areas where a FeMail is installed find that agreeing with the FeMail is easier than attempting to justify opposing logic.

The FeMail package includes modules for Cognitive Interpretation, Intuition, Presumptions, Innuendos (even some you may not realize), Inflection, and Encryption. (The encryption package is particularly effective, allowing other mails absolutely no chance of interpreting interchanges between two FeMails).

You will find yourself becoming dependent on the interactions that a FeMail makes possible. Once the FeMail begins working in your daily activities, you may find yourself changing certain actions to avoid conflicting with the FeMail suggestions.

The FeMail is extremely comprehensive, and provides only for a single user interface in most cases. The instructions included with your FeMail indicates that it may interact openly with other Mails in a conversational mode, but that you should never interact with someone elses FeMail, even in a conversational mode, and most certainly not in an interactive mode. The FeMail communications links have demonstrated an ability to intuit these actions even if you believe your FeMail would be unaware of the interaction. Continued interaction with FeMails that are not your own will be considered a security violation, and you may find yourself cutoff from interaction with your own FeMail.

Because of the complexity and high-level of interface required, there are certain times (based roughly on a lunar month) when your FeMail system may behave erratically. During this particular cycle, your interactions with the FeMail should be monitored closely, and offensive or interpretive language removed. The FeMail may misinterpret even simple communications efforts during this short time. This is an unavoidable problem that the FeMail has endured since its inception, and we are still attempting to overcome this minor glitch.

Should a misinterpretation occur, your FeMail will store the data indefinitely, and only recall the misinterpretation when it can loosely associate it with other facts not necessarily related to the communications process. You will find these recollections and associations puzzling, but they all contribute to the operation of the FeMail system.

Obtain Femail today, and you will be surprised at the changes it will make in your life!!!!

Adam

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy"
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and = 20 beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"
The rest, as they say, is history.

Difference with Women

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Personalities

The Clintons

Hillary and Bill were on vacation one weekend, and decided to go for a drive to see the beautiful countryside. After awhile, they needed to stop for gas. They pulled into the tiny gas station, and out walked a man to help them.

Hillary looked up and screamed at the top of her lungs, "Oh my God! Charley? Is that you? I can't believe it!" She lept out of the car and gave the man a big hug, and proceeded to talk with the man for a long time. After they were finished talking, they hugged again, and Hillary got back in the car.

As they were driving away, Bill turned to Hillary and asked "Honey, who was that?"
"That was Charley, an old boyfriend of mine," she responded. "We dated for a long time, and almost got married."
"Oh." said Bill. "Well I guess you're glad you married me instead."
"Why do you say that?" asked Hillary.
"Because he's only a gas station attendant, and I'm the President of the United States." exclaimed Bill.
"I don't see how that has anything to do with anything." said Hillary.
"If I would have married Charley, he would be the President."

Tragedy

Saddam Hussein is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Hussein says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a schoolbus carrying fifty Iraqi children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Hussein. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.
"What?" asks Hussein, "Is there no one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks:
"If an airplane carrying Saddam Hussein was blown up by a bomb, that would be a TRAGEDY."

"Wonderful!" Hussein beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be a accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

Possibly Racist

50 Ways to Know if You're Chinese"

1. You were/are a good student with very high GPAs
2. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or finance
3. You have more than one college degrees, especially more than one Master's
4. You play a musical instrument, mostly piano
5. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table
6. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil
7. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it
8. You beat eggs with chopsticks
9. You always leave outdoor shoes at the door
10. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack
11. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times
12. You boil water before drinking
13. You eat all meals in the kitchen to keep your dining room clean
14. You don't use measuring cups when preparing foods
15. You save grocery bags and use them to hold garbage
16. You have a rice cooker
17. You're a wok user
18. You fight over who pays the dinner bill
19. You wash rice 2-3 times before cooking it
20. You have an out-of-tuned piano in your living room
21. You don't dryclean cloths, even if they need to be drycleaned
22. You iron your own shirts
23. You like congee with thousand year old eggs
24. You always cook yourself, even if you hate it
25. You use credit cards, and pay monthly bills in full
26. You keep most of your money in a savings account
27. You buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off
28. When you hand wash dishes, you only use cold water
29. You hate to waste food
a): Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them
b): You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing
30. You don't own any real Tupperware--only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars
31. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses
32. When toilet paper is on sale, you buy 100 rolls and store them
33. You have a collection of miniature shampoo/conditioner bottles and little soap bars that you take every time you stay in a hotel
34. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or come in plastic packets, which you "save" every time you get take out or go to McDonald's
35. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes)
36. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table
37. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself
38. When you go to a dance party, there are a wall of guys surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool
39. Your house is always cold in winter, and hot in summer
40. Your mom drives her Mercedes to Price Club, or Shoppers Food Warehouse regardless how far it is, even if Loblaw's is next door
41. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling Directory Assistance costs 50 cents
42. You only make long distance calls after 11pm or during weekends
43. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached
44. You never call your parents just to say hi
45. Your parents send money to their relatives in China
46. You use a colored face cloth every morning
47. You starve yourself before going to all-you-can-eat places
48. You've joined a CD club at least once
49. You never discuss your love life with your parents
50. You take this message and forward it to all your Chinese friends

Spielberg

A Chinese went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks.
At the counter, he sat next to a famous Hollywood producer, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol.
The producer was glaring at him.

Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the producer.
Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell was that for?"

The producer ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you ##@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!"
"I am not Japanese, you stupid Nincompoop! I am an Chinese!"
"Yeah yeah yeah ...Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, ...you are all the same."

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender.
A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a deadly snake fist to the producer, sending him flat to the floor.

"What was that for?!!" exclaimed the producer.
"That's for the sinking of the TITANIC! I had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese replied.
"You ignorant chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg! " shouted the producer.

"Yeah yeah yeah...Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg...you are all the same!"

Church Humour

Logical Joke

There are 2 nuns who went out the convent for selling cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (S.M.), the other is known as Sister Logical (S.L.). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

S.L. : Have you noticed a man that has been following us for the past half hour ?
S.M. : Yes, I wonder what he wants.
S.L. : It's logical. It's logical. He wants to rape us.
S.M. : Oh, no ! At this pace he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do of course. We have to start walking faster.
S.M. : It is not working.
S.L. : Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing to do. He also started to walk faster.
S.M. : So, what shall we do ? At this pace, he will reach us in less than 1 minute.
S.L. : The only logical thing we can do is to split. You go that way and I will go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So, the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Loigical has not arrived yet. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

S.M. : Sister Logical ! Thank god you are here. Tell us what happened?
S.L. : The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he decided to go after me.
S.M. : So, what happened. Please tell us.
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
S.M. : So what happened ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
S.M. : And what else ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
S.M. : Oh, no. What did you do then ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do. I took my dress up.
S.M. : Oh, Sister. What did the man do ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do. He put down his pants.
S.M. : Oh, no ! What happened then ?
S.L. : Isn't it logical SIster ? A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down.

Oh, My God

These four Catholic crones (withered old women) were having coffee.

The first catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".

As the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three gave her this subtle "Well...?" look, so she says;

"My son is 6'2"; he has broad, square shoulders, a washboard tummy, thick, long wavy hair, he's terribly handsome and dresses very well. Whenever he walks into a room, women say 'Oh, my God...!!!!!!!'."

Little Johnny at Church

One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their eight year old son, Johnny, to church. They sat right in the front so Johnny could get all the benefits from church. But as we know eight year old boys do not like church at all. Especially little Johnny. Halfway through the pastor's sermon Johnny fell asleep. The pastor noticed this, and it was distracting him from preaching. He decided to go over to Johnny and ask him a question about God.

"Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?"

His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, suck a pin in her son's right butt cheek.

"GOD!!!!" Cried little Johnny.

"Very good," the pastor replied. For he could not say it was wrong. And he continued on.

But a short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The pastor once again noticed this and decided to ask another question "Who was Mary and Joseph's son?" The pastor asked.

Johnny's dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son's left butt cheek.

"JESUS CHRIST!!!!" Yelled Johnny.

And once again the pastor replied "Very good."

Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the pastor decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question. "What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?"

But before Johnny's parents could do anything Johnny shouted "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF!"

Dinner Prayers

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Prospective Church Members

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at the Safeway supermarket anymore either."

Collections

The World Council of Religions decided to form a subcommittee to decide on the thorny issue of how to divide the congregation offerings between the temple and the priest. Money collected must be spent both on the upkeep of the temple and the needs of the priest, but how to decide how much should go to each?

The subcommittee consisted of an Catholic priest, a Hindu priest and a Jewish rabbi. The chairman of the committee decided that they should first hear what they each presently did to solve this question.

The Catholic priest said, "I draw a line on the ground and throw all the money up in the air. What falls on the right side of the line is God's, what falls on the left side is mine."

The Hindu priest said, "I had some respect for yourself and your religion, but now I find that you treat God as an equal, instead of subordinating yourself to Him. What I do, is draw a large circle on the ground and sit in the middle of it. I throw all the money up in the air. What falls inside the finite circle is mine, what falls in the infinity outside the circle is God's."

The Jewish rabbi said, "I am shocked and surprised at both of you. You draw lines and circles and define by yourselves what you will receive as your share. You have no faith in God's generosity. What I do, is throw all the money up in the air to God. He keeps what he wants, and what falls back down is mine!"

Revival Meeting

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our ten biggest trouble makers!"

Praying

The Catholic Church' s air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it' d be funny to try and mess with the lady' s mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, " This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered. "

The little old lady didn' t even blink, just kept on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!"

Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED! "

The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I' M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER! "

Who's The Father?

A woman starts dating a married doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth.
One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

Bumper Sticker

The blond haired wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week.

The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at the church. I then bought the bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I'm really glad that I did. What followed was a truly uplifting experience.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed "For the love of God, Go!..Go! Jesus Christ! Go! Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenager son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst into laughter. Why even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the light had changed. I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection.

I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them and all that love we had shared. So, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away.

Adam Talks To God

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"

GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvaceous and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well Adam, No. I did that so that she could love you."

Baptism

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

School

Little Johnny

One Friday afternoon Little Johnny is in class and the teacher says:
"OK class, if u can answer one of these questions, u can go home early and have a day off on Monday."

Q1. Who discovered Australia and in what year?
Little Jenny Chan puts her hand up and says "Captain Cook in 1788, Miss"
Teacher: Very good Jenny, you can go home and come back on Tuesday.

Jenny: No Miss, when I grow up I want to be a doctor so I have to study very hard so I can't afford to take a day off school.
Teacher: That's very conscientious of you Jenny, well done.

Teacher: Ok next question who discovered America and when?
Jimmy Wang: Christopher Columbus 1648.
Teacher: Well done, Jimmy, you can go home now and have Monday off.

Jimmy: No Miss, when I grow up I want to be a lawyer so I need to study really hard. I can't afford to take a day off school.
Teacher: Very good, Jimmy. That's really committed of you.

Someone at the rear yells out: "****ing Asian Bastards"

Teacher: Who said that?
Little Johnny: "Pauline Hanson, 1996, see you Tuesday Miss!"

The War of the Sexes

This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:

Rebecca last name deleted and Gary last name deleted

English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

----------------------------------------------------------------

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question...

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit...

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully...

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"...

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total asshole.

Stupid bitch.

A Daughter's Letter

Dear Mother and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for the thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up-to-date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not going to read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay?

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches one a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. Its really a basement room, but its kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing the pre-marital blood test and I carelessly caught it from him. this will clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat different than ours. I am sure that you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important engineer for the sanitation department he works for. Although they say he runs his office from his truck.

Now that I have brought you up-to-date, folks, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis, and there is no schwartze in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in history and an "F" in science, ...and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Possibly Adult

My Dog, Sex

Usually everyone who has a dog, either calls him Rover or some such name.

I called mine Sex. Well, Sex is a very embarrassing name. One day, I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me, I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came along and asked me what I was doing in an alley at 4am in the morning. I said "I,m looking for Sex". My case comes up next Thursday.

One day, I went to the Town Hall to get a dog licence for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a licence for Sex, he said he would like to have one too. When I said,"But this is a dog", he said he didn't care what she looked like, then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was two-years old". He replied, "You must have been a very strong boy".

When I decided to get married. I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait till after the ceremony, I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex". He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and he would not marry us in the church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there..... The next day we were married by a Justice of the Peace. My family are barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and I, and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the motel is for Sex. Then I said, :You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake all night". And the clerk said, "ME TOO!"

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for the custody of the dog. I said, "Your honour, I had Sex before I was married". And the Judge said, "ME TOO"!!

Well, now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn trouble with the dog than I ever bargained for. Why just the other day I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Well, Sex had died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely". The doctor looked at me and said, "Mister, you and I both know that Sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a DOG."

The Minister's Talk

A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex. Whe he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horse back riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping centre and they complimented her on the speech her husband made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."

The Supermarket Salesman

A big supermarket chain was holding seminars in Association Selling. "If the customer wants to buy soap, ask him if he wants a towel. If he needs a bike tire, see if he is interested in a pump."

So the manager and his sales clerks have just left the training room and are on the ground floor. A man comes up to the manager and asks where he can find the Tampax pads (for his wife, of course).

"Hey, John, come over here and help this gentleman," he calls and heads up to his office overlooking the store.

A few minutes later, the manager sees the customer heading to the checkout counter loaded with fishing rod, waders, fishing net, tackle. Surprised to say the least, he heads down to his salesman John and asks, "Hey, I thought that guy wanted Tampax for his wife?"

"Well he did. So I said to him, 'As there won't be any action at your place this weekend, why don't you go fishing?'"

Jelly Beans

There once was a little blonde girl who wore a dress to school every day and really loved jelly beans more than anything. The boys at her school decided to take full advantage of this and one day approached her and offered to give her a bag filled with 50 jelly beans if she would climb the schoolyard flagpole. She did and came back down so the boys gave her the jelly beans.

That day she came running home and yelled to her mom "Mommy! Mommy! Today the boys at school gave me 50 jelly beans to climb the flagpole at school!"

The mother shook her head and replied "Oh no! They just did that so they could see up your dress and see your panties! I don't want you to ever do this again!"

So the next day the boys offered her 100 jelly beans to climb the flag pole. She did, they gave her the jelly beans and she ran home again and said to her mother "Mommy! Look! Today the gave me 100 jelly beans for climbing the flagpole!"

The mother got upset and told her "They just did that so they could see your panties!!! Listen to me! I don't want you to ever let this happen again!"

So the next day the boys offered her 200 jelly beans to climb the flagpole. She did without haste and ran home again and shouted with a wide smile on her face "Mommy! Look! I got 200 jelly beans to climb the flagpole today!"

The mother said "What have I been telling you the past couple days?! They're just doing that to see your panties!"

The little girl replied still smiling widely "I know! I know! But this time I tricked them! I didn't wear any!"

Proud Fathers

Four guys were telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves to go to the restroom. Three guys are left...

The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was going to be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the bright side, his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his birthday!"

Sex, Work or Play?

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.

The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to minister... a married man, experienced..for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply..Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"

The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it.

Great Sex

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"

Falling

An elderly priest was upset with the things he was hearing during Saturday confessions. After his sermon one Sunday morning, he said to his congregation, "I'm tired of hearing so many people tell me in confession that they have cheated. For thirty years, people have been saying to me 'I have cheated with Anthony...I have cheated with Mary...I have cheated with Frankie.' I am sick and tired of hearing this word. From now on, when you come into my confessional, you will say 'I have fallen with Anthony, or with Mary, or with Frankie.' No more the word CHEAT. It will be FALL."

About a year later, the old priest retired and was replaced by a younger man. No one thought to tell the new priest about the change of words in the confessional. After hearing his first round of Saturday confessions, the young priest went to the mayor of the town and said to him, "Mr. Mayor, you are going to have to do something about the deplorable condition of the streets and sidewalks in this town. Everybody is telling me they are falling all over the place."

The mayor immediately understood the problem, and he leaned back in his chair and laughed.

The priest was puzzled, and said, "Mr. Mayor, you shouldn't be laughing! Your wife told me that just last week she fell three times.!"

Are They Faithful?

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.

"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

What To Wear ...

A man, called in for an audit by the Internal Revenue Service, (American taxation department) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

The Widow

Jack decides to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They load up Jack's station-wagon and head north. After driving for a few hours, they get caught in a terrible blizzard. They pull into a nearby farmhouse and ask the attractive lady of the house if they can spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack says, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack gets a letter from the widow's attorney. He calls up his friend Bob and says, "Bob, do you remember that good looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks...she just died and left me everything!"

Henry Ford

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford, 'Well, you've been such a good gut and your invention the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.' So Henry Ford thinks about it and says: 'I want to hang out with Adam, the first man.' -- So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks 'Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?' Adam says: 'Yes.' 'Well,' says Ford, 'You have some major design flaws in your invention :

1) There is too much front end protrusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust.'

'Hmmmmm..' says Adam, 'hold on'. So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, 'It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than your's.

Weight Loss

A fellow was reading the paper one day, lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But lets see what they think they can do."

He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days...

For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun."

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

The Halloween Party

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action".

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one hell of a time!"

Proxy Father

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

"Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh...equipment ?".
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.

Madam ? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted !!"

The Specimen

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

The Forehead

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so".

"Fine," she says, "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so.

Realizing he's not going to be able to watch the football game in peace, the husband decides to go to the local bar to finish watching the game. After a couple of hours, he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either make love to him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She said, "Hello... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so."

One Day in the Forest

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop.

The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay..."

Gloves

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note:

My darling. This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten your birthday. I chose them because I noticed you were not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are very easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled.

I had the sales girl try them on and she looked really smart. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see them again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. I hope you will like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love xxxxx

PS. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fluff showing.

Identical Twins

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce," he replied.

The Statue

A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.
"What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.
"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.
"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.
"I want one just like that," she kept repeating.
At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."
"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.
"Then," answered the mother, "You will have many."

Two Elderly Guys

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whorehouse. When they arrived at the house, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blowup" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned...how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast ... she farted and flew out the window!"

Little Johnny

The Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in her kitchen was listening to her little Johnny playing with his new electric train in the adjoining room. She heard the train stop and the son said, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off right now, 'cause this is the last stop...and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the goddamn train 'cause we're leaving."

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours and think about what you said, and when you come out you may play with your train again, but I want you to use much nicer language.

Two hours later, the son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with the train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. Thank you for riding with us today and we hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat. Remember please that there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope you will have a pleasant relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the ugly stinkin' bitch in the kitchen!"

Where is Jesus?

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

First Day of School

Little Johnny returned from his first day of school and said "Mum, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are the only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"

Cheater!

Little Johnny (to friend): "You know, Jane Smith CHEATS!"
Friend: "Why do you say that?"
Johnny: "Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine - but it turns out SHE HASN'T GOT ONE!"

Out of Control Johnnny

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her three-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

Bad Language

The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it." Little Johnny responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you don't know what it means."
"I do, too." Little Johnny corrected. "It means the car won't start."

Little Johnny's Mother

Little Johnny�s teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.

Little Mary got up and said �my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect�.
�Great� said the teacher.
Michael got up and said � my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife�.
"Good" said the teacher.

Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: �My Mommy, she is a substitute�.
Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, �you mean she is a Prostitute�.
�No�. Said Johnny, �my Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes�.

Little Johnny at Nursery School

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants."

Little Mary

Mommy How Old Are You?

8 year old little Mary and her mother are walking through the mall together one day.
"Mommy," says the little Mary, "how old are you?"

"Darling, you should never ask a woman what her age is."
"Why not?" demands the child.
"Well, that is something you will understand one day when you're grown-up."
"Mommy," asks Mary again, "how much do you weigh?"
"Never mind." answers the mother.
"Why can't you tell me?"
"Because grown-ups never talk about how much they weigh. This is something you will learn and understand someday."
"Mommy," insists the child, "can you tell me why you and Daddy got divorced?"
"Darling," responds the mother in exasperation, "that's something still very painful for Mommy, and I really just can't talk about it now."

A few days later, Little Mary recounts this conversation to a friend at school. The friend explains how to overcome these problems...
"All you have to do is get your mother's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it. You just read it like a report card and it'll give you anything you need."

So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into her mother's room while her mom was cooking dinner. She rummages through her purse and finds the drivers license. After examining it carefully she walks up to her mother and says, "I know how old you are! You are 35!" The mother is very surprised. "And, I know how much you weigh. You weigh 136 pounds, right?" The mother is shocked. "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."

The mother, dumb founded asked, "Why?"
"It's because you got an F in sex."

Singapore

Personal Opinion

A journalist goes around the world with a questionnnaire in hand. He first goes to Ethiopia and asks the question, "What is your personal opinion of the eating of beef in your country?"

The Ethiopian replies, "What's 'beef'?"

He then goes to Rwanda and asks the same question. The reply he gets is, "What's 'eating'?"

Then he comes over to Singapore and asks a Singaporean the same question. The Singaporean replies, "What's 'personal opinion'?"

"Chio Ka Peng"

Ah Huay went for an job interview to be a secretary.

When the manager saw Ah Huay's colourful attire and gold and white-highlighted hair, his mind is shouting "Not this woman!!" Nevertheless he still had to entertain Ah Huay. So he told Ah Huay, "If you can form a sentence using the words I give you, then maybe I will give you a chance! The words are Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black".

Ah Huay thought for a while and said "I hear the phone go green, green, and then I go and pink up the phone and then hor I say Yellow. Blue's that? White did you say? Aiyah, wrong number. Don't Purplely disturb people and don't call Black, ok? Kum siah."

Ah Bengs & Ah Lians

One day, two Bengs were driving to Disneyland. As they passed through Anaheim, they saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Disneyland Left". So they turned around and went home.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Ah Lian became very depressed when she looked at her driver's license and saw that she had an F in sex.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

How do you confuse a Lian?
Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner.

--------------------------------------------------------------

What did the Beng do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
He turned it over and used the other side.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Why did the Beng stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?
He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Why did the Beng tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Beng: I was born in Sin-kah-poh.
Beng's Friend: Oh really, what part?
Beng: All of me, silly.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A dumb Beng was bragging about his knowledge of the state capitals.
He proudly said," Ask me lah, I know all of them."
A Lian said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The Beng replied, "Oh, that's easy - 'W'."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A Lian was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead.
Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her.
The Lian says, "Heng ah! I open my mouth, or that would've hit me right in the face!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Why didn't the Beng want a window seat on the plane?
He didn't want it the wind to mess up his hair.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

How did the Lian die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Ah beng to a long-distance telephone operator: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei AND LAS VEGAS?"
Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."
Ah beng: "THANK YOU," AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

At a bar in New York, the man to Ah beng's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Ah beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Ah beng replies: "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime, Ah beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT," Ah beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG." the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL". Ah beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS.".

Military

Naval Intelligence

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Miscellaneous

Quick Drinker

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"

"I have only fifty cents!"

Traffic Accident

A woman and a man are involved in an accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

Sad Story

Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

The Centipede

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door.
10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

In Prison

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers.

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root"

No Good Men

The Test

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Talcum Powder

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

Questions and Answers

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

The Diagnosis

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

The Burglar

An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about eighteen ransacking the place. He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, "Please don't call the police, mister, oh please!! If you don't, I'll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!"

The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were naked and in bed together. The old man tried and tried harder, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, young lady...but it's no use," he gasped. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police after all."

Perfect Job

A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

"For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?"
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Allah Ka Zam!"said the genie. "You're a housewife."

The Dream

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"

Blondes

The Blonde at the Accident

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

A Blonde's New Job

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.

The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?"

The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

A Blonde Down on Her Luck

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

Lost

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it" Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart"

6 O'Clock News

A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," the blonde replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped form the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.

"No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars."
The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."

"That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."