JAG Headquarters
Admiral Chegwidden’s Office
Monday 1345 Local

Admiral Chegwidden hung up the phone and let his head fall forward for a moment. He hated giving news like this, and he especially hated giving it to this particular person.

Sarah Mackenzie was his Chief of Staff, and one of his favorite people. He liked to think of her as his daughter. At one time he had been attracted to her, for she was an exceptionally beautiful woman, but that had just loneliness on his part. And he had gotten way past that. But she still remained one of his favorite officers.

He knew just how difficult the last few months had been for her. Hell, the last three years had been awful for her. She had remained strong and determined through all of it. Dalton’s death and the stalker, her estranged husband’s return and subsequent death at her hands, her father’s death and mother’s second abandonment. He had thought she might find happiness with Brumby, but that was not to be.

He did not know the details of what happened, but that idiot Brumby had really thrown her over. He suspected the reason of course. He wasn’t blind or stupid. But Rabb had not taken advantage of the opportunity that fate had thrown his way. The two officers were farther apart than ever, barely even speaking to each other

He sighed. There was nothing he could do about that and it was none of his business anyway. Now he had to tell her this.

He pushed the intercom. “Tiner, get me Colonel Mackenzie please”

“Aye aye Sir”

A few minutes later a knock sounded at the door.

“Enter”

“Colonel Mackenzie reporting as ordered, Sir”

“Have a seat Mac” He gestured toward the chair with his hand.

Gracefully sitting on the edge of the chair, she looked at him attentively.

“Mac, there is no easy way to say this.” Her attentive gaze turned apprehensive. “Sir?”

“The warden from Leavenworth just called me. Your Uncle Matt passed away this morning. He had a heart attack.”

The look in her eyes made him feel like he had just pulled the wings off a butterfly.

She said nothing, and did not move, but tears welled in her eyes.

“Mac?”

As he watched, she blinked away the tears, and a carefully shuttered look came over her face.

“Mac, are you all right?”

“Yes Sir. I would like to request a few days leave to attend to my Uncle’s funeral.”

“I’m so sorry about this Mac. You have my deepest sympathy.”

“Thank you Sir”

“Of course you can have as much time as you need. And stay in touch please. I want to hear from you.”

“I can take care of myself Sir.”

“I know you can Mac. Just humor me. And let me know if you need anything.”

“Commander Rabb is in Norfolk for the day Sir. With your permission, I will brief Commander Turner and Lieutenant Roberts on my cases and leave for Leavenworth this evening.”

“Of course Mac.”

She rose to leave.

“Mac-”. She turned at the door. “Take care of yourself please.”

She nodded and left.

Jag Headquarters
Tuesday 0815 Local

Commander Harmon Rabb entered a few minutes late as usual. His quick glance took in his former partner’s dark office. Frowning, he scanned the bullpen for her, and did not locate her.

He did see Bud however. “Bud!”

“Good Morning Sir.”

“Morning Bud. Have you seen Colonel Mackenzie this morning?”

Bud looked at him strangely.

“Sir didn’t you hear?”

“Hear what?”

“Her Uncle died yesterday of a heart attack. She’s gone to Leavenworth to make funeral arrangements.”

Harm stared at him, horrified.

“No, I didn’t know. I didn’t get back from Norfolk until late last night.”

There was a short silence.

“Do you know anything about the funeral arrangements?”

“Not yet Sir. The Admiral promised to let us know as soon as he heard from her.”

“Thanks Bud. Let me know when you hear something, ok?”

“Yes Sir”

Harm turned and went into his office.

He shut the door and slumped in his chair, putting his head in his hands.

The most important person in her life had died. And she hadn’t called him. She’d just left. How did everything ever get so screwed up?

He knew how. It had started when he left with Renee when her Father died, turning Mac away when she needed him. Then on the Guadalcanal, his failed attempt to talk it out with her.

“There is no US Harm. That’s why I left. There’s you and Renee.”

She hadn’t heard him when he said he’d give Renee up. And he knew he shouldn’t have tried to talk to her until he and Renee were over anyway. Mac would never start anything with him while he was with Renee. She had too much honor for that. But he’d needed to see her, to reassure her and himself that they had a future.

Even then he could have salvaged it. Renee broke it off with him to marry a mortician. He still had to laugh about that. His smile faded.

He hadn’t told Mac right away. He was trying to work up his nerve, rationalizing she still needed space. But he had told Bud and Sturgis about it. The three of them were laughing about it when Bud asked him “When did this happen Sir?”

“About 2 weeks ago Bud.” He had laughingly replied, and turned around to see Mac in the doorway, a look of hurt on her face. She quickly turned and walked away. But not before he realized she thought he didn’t want her.

And it just went from bad to worse.

That night he stopped at McMurphy’s for a drink. He was having a drink at the bar when a good-looking blonde came up and sat beside him. Before he knew it they were laughing and chatting and she had her arm linked through his.

Some sixth sense made him turn and look at the door. His heart sank as he looked into Mac’s hurt eyes for the second time that day. She gave him a sardonic smile and turned and walked away again.

He got rid of the blonde and went home for a sleepless night.

The following day there was no argument with Mac. She simply avoided him whenever possible and only spoke of JAG business when needed.

The next day he had tried to talk to her in her office. He knocked at the door.

“Mac, have you got a few minutes? I need to talk to you.” He smiled nervously at her.

“Of course Commander. What can I do for you?” There was no answering smile from her. He knew he was in trouble when she used his rank, not his name.

“I just wanted to explain why I didn’t tell you about Renee, and about last night.”

“No explanation necessary Commander. Your personal life is your own and none of my business.”

There was a calm finality to her statement that scared him.

“Mac, please let me explain. I was just giving you some time before we talked again. The last time on the Guadalcanal I tried to talk, but it was the wrong time.

“I appreciate your concern Commander, but I am fine and I don’t think we have anything else to say.”

“Mac, please-”

“Commander, is there anything else?”

Her utter lack of emotion defeated him. Anything would have been better. An angry Mac he could handle, even a crying Mac. But this calm emotionless Mac defeated him.

“No, I guess not.”

He stood. “Mac, I wish you’d let me talk to you”

“Talk to me anytime Commander. My door is always open.”

He retreated to his office.

There was no attempt on her part to reconnect with him. He was afraid to try again. And so the distance grew.

JAG Headquarters
Three weeks later
Wednesday 0925

The Admiral sipped his coffee and stared out his window. He was very worried about Mac.

Since her return to work after her Uncle’s death she seemed to be completely out of reach to anyone. Oh, her job performance was still superb. She worked long hours (too long), and performed her duties with an efficiency that could not be matched. But she had withdrawn from everyone.

At one time, she had been one of the catalysts for lighthearted banter and a general sense of fun in the office. She spoke to everyone, and contributed to the sense of family that had been the hallmark of the JAG office.

Now his office ran efficiently as ever, but there was no camaraderie. In face, there seemed to be a general tension in the air.

All this he could have ignored and probably would have at other offices. But he had gotten used to thinking of JAG as his family. He missed the happiness that his office used to generate. And he was seriously worried about Mac.

Someone has to get through to her, break through that calm exterior. I’m her CO; it can’t be me directly. Although he had tried to get to her by partnering her with Singer a few times, but she had just worked efficiently with Singer. He really had hoped for some fireworks there. Bud and Harriet had tried numerous times, even using little AJ to try to lure her out of her shell.

The only one who hadn’t tried was Rabb. What was wrong with him anyway? Even if they were not close anymore, shouldn’t he care what happens to her? Surely he had noticed. It was time to find out. Drastic times called for drastic measures.

He pushed the intercom button. “Tiner, get me Commander Rabb.”

“Aye Sir”

A few short minutes later Commander Rabb entered his office.

“Admiral, you wanted to see me?”

“ I need to talk to you about something that’s been concerning me, but I can’t do it here. Would you come by my house tonight? Say around 1930?”

“Of course Sir. Do I need to bring anything?”

“No, this is not duty related. I need your help as a friend.”

“Anything you need Sir, I’ll be glad to help.”

“I’ll see you tonight Commander. Dismissed.”

Admiral Chegwidden’s Home
1945 Local

Harm was sitting on the sofa in the Admiral’s house. The Admiral was fixing them both a drink. There was a fire burning in the fireplace, but no music.

He wondered what the Admiral wanted to talk to him about. It couldn’t be Mac, could it? He knew the Admiral was always aware of what went on in the office, and he must have noticed the change in their relationship and her demeanor, but he doubted the Admiral would want to discuss it. It was not his style to discuss his officer’s personal lives.

He thought about the last time he had been here, when he spent the evening on the porch with Mac. That kiss; he could still feel it. He took a deep breath. Another chance he screwed up. If he had just openly declared his feelings to her and told her what her really wanted he might have what he wanted now.

“Harm.” The Admiral’s voice broke into his thoughts.

“Yes Admiral?”

“Call me AJ, Harm. I am about to do something I never do. Interfere with an officer’s personal life. I am not your CO tonight, I’m just a concerned friend.”

“OK, AJ”

AJ handed him his drink and took a seat on the chair next to the couch.

“Harm, I’m worried about Mac.”

Harm thought about playing ignorant and trying to avoid this whole conversation, but he couldn’t do it. He looked down at the drink in his hand. “I am too”

The Admiral looked down at his drink too, avoiding Harm’s eyes. “I miss the Sarah Mackenzie that used to be in the office. Hell, I miss the way the office was when she was herself. It’s just not right like this.”

Harm didn’t say anything. His silence conveying agreement. There had been no Mac smiles, no Mac teasing, no Mac glares, no Mac temper fits in far too long. He missed everything about her.

The Admiral continued. “It’s not my business what happened between you two, but I have a feeling that that is only a part of her problem. I think the loss of her Uncle may be the thing that really drives her over the edge. A lot has happened to her in the last few years, and she dealt with it all like a trooper. But I think she has given up. There is no fire in her anymore.”

“I have noticed it too, but I don’t know how to get to her anymore. I tried talking to her, but she shut me down. It was like talking to a wall.”

There was a long silence, punctuated only by the crackle of the fire. Finally AJ took a deep breath.

“I’m going to tell you about a friend of mine Harm. I knew him in Vietnam, back when I was a SEAL. The world had made him tough, like it has made Mac tough. He’d had a rough childhood, the details aren’t important. He’d fought it all and made it into the SEALs. He was an officer I respected, and a friend I trusted.

He got a letter from his wife. A Dear John letter. It came after a particularly nasty mission, where some kids were killed. He sort of withdrew for a while, didn’t talk to anyone about it. I was young, and still caught up in being a ‘tough’ guy. I didn’t know how to reach out to him. He seemed to come around on his own, but there was something in his eyes. I could see it, but I don’t know how to describe it.

Then he got word that his Grandmother had died. His only living relative and the person whom he felt had really saved him. He couldn’t even go to the funeral. That is when the light in his eyes really went out. He still did his job well, but there was nothing in him anymore. He had given up.

His eyes looked the way Mac’s eyes look now.”

There was a silence while they sipped their drinks, Harm considering what the Admiral was telling him. The parallels to Mac were obvious.

“What happened to him AJ?”

“He killed himself.”

This was said calmly, but AJ gripped his glass tightly. He still could remember the pain of losing that friend, the feeling that there was SOMETHING he could have done to prevent it.

Harm looked at him, white-faced with shock. His hand started to shake, rattling the ice cubes in the glass. He quickly set it down on the coffee table.

AJ set his glass down as well, but slowly. Then he put his hand to his face and rubbed his eyes.

“I don’t want to face that again ever. And that’s why we have to do something to help Mac.”

Another silence while Harm tried to marshal his thoughts.

“Sir, I don’t think Mac would do that. She’s too strong for that.”

“Are you willing to bet her life on that Harm?”

The silence stretched longer this time.

“No Sir, I’m not.”

The 2 men spent the rest of the evening formulating a plan to get to Mac.

Admiral Chegwidden’s home
Same Evening 2235 Local

“You realize AJ, that this could backfire on us badly.”

AJ looked at him, and smiled.

“I think it really could backfire on you Harm. I’ll be out of the line of fire, and I’m protected because I’m her CO.”

Harm smiled back at him. “Oh yeah, I’m in the direct line of fire. Thanks for reminding me.”

The smile left the Admiral’s eyes. “I think we are doing the right thing, Harm. I just pray to God it works.”

“Me too AJ.”

Harm took his leave and headed for home

Sarah Mackenzie’s Apartment
Thursday 0500 Local

Mac got up and readied herself for her morning jog, until she looked outside at the cold driving rain. She decided to be lazy this morning, and settled on the couch with a cup of coffee. The grayness of the day matched her mood.

Ever since her Uncle’s death, a sort of emptiness had taken over. Nothing seemed to mean anything to her anymore. She’d let Chloe keep Jingo. He had a happier life with her on the farm than he did stuck in this apartment with her.

Sipping her coffee and leaning back on the couch, she let her mind wander over the last few weeks. Uncle Mat’s death had shown her how really alone she was. And between Mic’s abandonment and Harm’s lack of interest, she was pretty sure she was going to be alone for a long, long time. She didn’t have the strength to go through anything like that again.

In some ways, she thought, alone is not so bad. At least no one is causing you pain. She really didn’t have pain now, just an emptiness. The emptiness of a cold gray void. If you didn’t let anybody in, nobody could hurt you. But if it kept the pain away, it kept the happiness away too. She couldn’t remember the last time she had felt like laughing out loud, or singing just from being happy.

She thought about the rest of her life. It stretched out before her, vast and empty. Sometimes it scared her to consider it. She didn’t see any change coming, and sometimes she felt that it was not worth all the effort.

“OK, that’s enough self pity. Get up and get going, you’re going to be late for work.” She said this out loud to herself, her voice sounding strange in the empty apartment. She tried to steer herself away from thoughts like that, it didn’t help.

Strangely, she didn’t feel the call to alcohol that she thought she would. Maybe it was the thought that she would be betraying Uncle Mat’s memory. Or maybe it was the remembrance of her last bout with the bottle, when she lashed out at Harm. She didn’t know, and didn’t really care. She was just grateful she didn’t have to contend with it.

She tried to push away thought of Harm. He had sent flowers to the funeral. And had tried to talk to her, to express his sympathy, and to draw her out. But she didn’t want to talk. To anyone. It didn’t help. In fact, it just made things worse.

Sighing, she got up to shower and dress for work.

JAG Headquarters
Thursday 0830 Local

Staff meeting was in progress when she arrived. A flat tire on the beltway in the driving rain had not started her morning right. She was soaking wet and late. It did not bode well for the day.

Slipping into her chair she apologized for being late.

“Sorry for being late Sir. Flat Tire.”

The Admiral paused and took in her damp and disheveled condition. He did not acknowledge her statement. He continued to quiz Bud about his case.

“So you are fully prepared Lt. Roberts?”

“Yes Sir. I think I have a good case and feel an acquittal is eminent.”

“All right people, staff meeting adjourned. Let’s start to work. Colonel, a word with you in my office please.”

Everyone started to get up. Harm’s eyes followed Mac into the Admiral’s office. He almost felt sorry for her. It was going to be a tough day for her.

Admiral Chegwidden’s Office

“Sit Down Colonel.”

Wary of his cool tone and attitude, she sat on the edge of her seat.

“Yes Sir.”

“Colonel, are you fully prepared for the Davidson case?”

The Davidson case was set for trial in two weeks. An enlisted man had ignored a superior officer’s direct order. It was not a complicated case, but with some work Davidson’s career could be salvaged, there were mitigating circumstances.

“No Sir, I am still working on it. But I expect to be fully prepared before trial.”

He fixed his eyes on her in true “Admiral Chegwidden” style.

“And why are you not prepared now? You’ve had plenty of time already.”

The unfairness of this startled her. She KNEW she had been carrying a heavy caseload, and carrying it well, but there hadn’t been time to really work on Davidson. But there was plenty of time yet.

“I’ve been working on my other cases Sir. I’ve only done some preliminary work on Davidson. Once the Harrison court martial is wrapped up today, I expect to give Davidson my full attention.”

She knew she sounded defensive, but she couldn’t help it.

“Colonel, since your Uncle’s death your work has not been as focused. I understand why, but I have to take steps to correct this.” He hated picking on her this way, especially about her work, which had been faultless, but he had no choice.

Her eyes got wide at this. She gasped, clearly not expecting his reprimand.

“But Sir”-

“I am assigning Commander Rabb to work with you on Davidson and your other cases until I feel you are up to speed.”

“Sir, I really don’t need help. I promise you I will have all my cases fully prepared by their court dates. I ALWAYS do Sir.”

“Colonel, are you questioning my judgement?”

“No Sir, but I-”

“Then do you have a problem working with Commander Rabb?”

He knew she did, but he also knew she wouldn’t admit it.

“No Sir, but I still think-”

“That will be all Colonel.”

She rose and turned toward the door. Before she left, she tried one last time. “Sir-”

“Dismissed Colonel.”

“Yes Sir.”

Back in her office she sank into her chair, dazed. ‘What the hell had just happened? I know my cases have been fully prepared. He’s never questioned my work before. Am I slipping and don’t realize it? And why Rabb? He’s a senior attorney, he shouldn’t be assisting me!’

A knock on the door interrupted her train of thought.

“Enter”

Harm came in, a smug smile on his face. “The Admiral told me you need some help on your cases.”

She quelled the irritation at his tone.

“I don’t share his opinion, but I have to respect it.”

“Oh come on Mac. There’s no shame in admitting you need a little help and guidance. I’ll be glad to help you get on the right track.” He kept smiling like a Cheshire cat.

God, he was so infuriating. She managed to keep her temper under control and looked at him coolly.

“Thank you Commander. I’m sure your assistance will prove invaluable.” It was difficult, but she kept her tone level and professional, but a little irritation crept through.

At that he laughed out loud. “Yeah, I bet it will Mac. Do you want to meet at your place tonight?”

“For what?”

“To go over your cases of course.”

“I see no reason why we can’t go over them here at the office during normal working hours.”

“Well I do. I have to be in Norfolk today and tomorrow deposing some witnesses. The only extra time I have to work on YOUR cases is after hours.” He emphasized the YOUR to let her know he was doing her a favor.

“Then I guess it will have to wait until Monday, won’t it, because the only time I have available to work with you is DURING OFFICE hours.” She emphasized the DURING OFFICE to let him know they weren’t going back to the working relationship of years ago, even if he thought he was doing a favor for her.

“Fine Mac. But when the Admiral asks me to update him on our progress tomorrow, I’m telling him WHY we haven’t had any.” He emphasized the WHY just to be annoying.

“That’s fine with me. I’ll see you on Monday.” She refused to be blackmailed by him.

Harm went back to his office. She wasn’t going to make it easy for him; he could see that. She had maintained her temper, even in the face of his outright goading. And he needed to see her away from the office. The plan couldn’t work if they never left the office.

He picked up his phone and dialed the Admiral’s direct extension.

“Chegwidden”

“Sir, its Commander Rabb.”

“How did it go Harm?”

“Not well Sir. I couldn’t get a rise out of her, and she will only meet with me during regular office hours.”

“OK, I’ll take care of that. Are you headed to Norfolk today?”

“Yes Sir”

“Be ready to meet with her tomorrow night.”

“What are you going to do, Sir?”

“I’m going to make sure she meets you tomorrow night. Trust me.”

“Yes Sir”

They hung up.

JAG Headquarters
Friday 1000 Local

Mac was in her office when Tiner told her the Admiral wanted her.

A little apprehensively, she went to his office and knocked at the door.

“Enter.”

“You wanted to see me Sir?”

“Yes Colonel. I wanted an update as to how you and Commander Rabb are doing on your cases.”

“Well, I’ve been reviewing Davidson, Sir, and it’s going fine.”

“You’ve been reviewing? What about Commander Rabb?”

“He’s in Norfolk Sir. We are planning to meet on Monday.”

“I want him up to speed NOW Colonel. Couldn’t you meet during the weekend?”

“Well, Sir, I just thought Monday would be ok.”

“Has Commander Rabb behaved inappropriately with you Colonel?”

“Of course not Sir!”

“Then why are you so reluctant to meet him out of the office? You never had that problem before.”

“It’s not that Sir. I just didn’t think there was a big hurry about it.”

“Colonel, quit wasting time and get the job done. Meet with Rabb this weekend and update me on Monday morning. Is that clear?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Dismissed.”

Mac took several deep breaths, trying to calm her temper on the way back to her office.

‘Great, now I have to call Harm and ask him to come over. He’s probably going to say I told you so. And why is he acting this way? Just because I won’t just accept whatever crumbs he wants to throw me? God, I could just kick his six all the way to China!’

“Ma’am? Is something wrong?”

She realized she was mumbling to herself, and Harriet had overheard her. “No Harriet. Thank you for your concern.” She automatically slipped back into “calm and strong” mode.

“Ma’am, you know I consider you a good friend, and I hope you consider me the same. If there is anything I can do, just let me know.”

“Thank you Harriet. I do consider you a good friend, but there is nothing wrong.”

She headed back to her office to call Harm.

Harriet watched her go, her eyes reflecting the concern she felt for her friend.

Mac sat at her desk, gathering her strength for the call to Harm. Finally she picked up the phone and dialed his cell phone.

“Rabb here.”

“Commander. It seems you were right and the Admiral wants you up to speed on my cases by Monday.”

“Oh? So I guess you want to meet after ‘normal office hours’?”

She repressed a sigh of annoyance.

“Yes”

There was a pause.

“So when do you want to meet?”

“At your convenience Commander.”

“I guess we could get together tonight. Why don’t I come over around 7? I’ll bring a pizza.”

“7 will be fine, but don’t bother with the pizza. Let’s just get this done.”

“Fine Mac. Could you be a little more crabby about it? It’s not my fault you haven’t prepared your cases to the Admiral’s satisfaction.” He knew he was pushing her, but that was part of the plan. He just hoped he didn’t push her too far too fast.

“Commander, I’m sorry if this is not convenient for you. Believe me, I feel fully confident that I can get the cases prepared. It is the Admiral that is insisting on this, not me. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t be spending my free time with some arrogant skirt-chasing pilot. So please give me a break, ok?” She hung up the phone abruptly. Her voice had been rising progressively so that on the last part of her speech she was actually yelling.

Damn him anyway. He’d made her lose her temper, and she had vowed not to do that anymore. Her hands were shaking, and she took several deep breaths, seeking to regain control. She looked out through her office windows, and several heads suddenly bent over their desks. Great, the office had overheard her tirade. She just hoped nobody knew what it was about or whom it was directed at.

Harm shut off his phone and smiled. Sounded like the plan was working. He just hoped he could survive the explosion when the plan went into full effect.

Flipping his phone back on, he dialed the Admiral’s cell phone.

“Chegwidden”

“Sir, it’s Commander Rabb. I spoke with Mac and we have plans to meet at her apartment this evening.”

“I heard Commander. In fact everyone in the office heard. Good work.”

“Thank you Sir. I confess to being a little nervous about tonight.”

“Don’t blame you Harm. I would be terrified.”

“Thanks for the comforting words Sir.”

“Just remember, this is for her. It will not be fun, but maybe you can break through that wall and get our Mac back.”

“I hope so Sir.”

“Good luck Harm. Call me and let me know what happens.”

“Aye Aye Sir”

They both hung up.

Sarah Mackenzie’s Apartment
Friday 1715 Local

He was late. (Damn him) Typical. Maybe he wouldn’t show up after her tirade this morning. Great, she wouldn’t have to deal with him then. Yes she would, she’d have to call and apologize because the Admiral (Damn him too) was insisting on this. She was caught between a rock and a hard spot.

There was a knock at the door. She opened the door without checking the peephole. She knew it was him.

“Hi Mac. Ready to get started?”

“Yes.”

There was some awkwardness as they went to the couch. Her case files were piled on the coffee table. She handed him the Davidson file.

“Why don’t you look that over, and then we’ll discuss it.”

“OK”

He took the file and opened it.

She watched him surreptitiously as he read; remembering a time when this would have been fun, not filled with this awkward tension. She sighed, wishing for one brief moment that those times could come back.

“Something wrong?” He’d heard her sigh.

“No. Would you like some coffee?”

“Yes, thank you.”

She got up to make it.

He was stalling. He knew it. This was going to be painful for both of them. He hoped the pain would be worth the final result.

She came back in the living room and set his coffee down on the table, saying nothing.

He closed the folder and threw it on the table.

Surprised, she looked at him.

“Mac, what’s going on? You could handle this case with your hands tied behind your back.”

“Nothings going on. It’s the Admiral that is insisting on this.” She was defensive again.

“Oh come on Mac. Don’t you think it’s time to deal with everything? There is not a person in that office who has not seen through your façade.”

“What façade? What the hell are you talking about?”

“It’s obvious Mac. You’re slipping into depression, and you need some help.”

Her eyes flashed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh yes you do.”

“You just think because I didn’t fall into your arms on the Guadalcanal that I have problems. Well I have news for you, Harm. I don’t need you. I can make it just fine on my own. I’ve done it before and I will again. So just mind your own business.”

“Oh yeah, Mac the marine, ready to take on the world. Miss ‘I don’t need anybody’. Well newsflash for you Mac, you DO need some help. You haven’t been dealing with anything; you’ve been running away. Physically you ran to the Guadalcanal, but you came back. Emotionally you haven’t stopped running since Mic went back to Australia, maybe even before then. You are a coward Mac.”

He was provoking her, gambling that if he could provoke her enough she’d get mad enough to break through the walls surrounding her. Unfortunately, the anger would be directed at him.

She jumped to her feet and paced the room angrily. “How dare you psychoanalyze me? Take a look in the mirror before you start telling me I don’t deal with things, you son of a bitch!”

“I’ve done my share of running, I admit it. But I’ve also tried to deal with things, but a certain marine didn’t want too.”

“Oh that’s rich. Blame me. I suppose I rejected you in Australia? I suppose it’s my fault Renee broke up with you? And it’s my fault you can’t stay away from blonde bimbos?”

He felt ashamed. But he couldn’t afford to let her get the upper hand. This was too important.

“Of course it’s not your fault Renee broke up with me. If she hadn’t broken up with me then I would have broken it off with her. And I stay away from blonde bimbos very well. I can’t help it if they talk to me when I’m in a bar, but I don’t go home with them.”

She stopped suddenly, going calm again.

“It’s none of my business anyway. In fact, this whole conversation is pointless. Whether or not I agree, the Admiral has demanded that I bring you up to date on my cases, and arguing won’t accomplish that.”

She sat back down in her chair, struggling to regain control of herself and the situation.

He had hoped that provoking her about their lack of relationship would be enough. The Admiral and he had discussed it at length, and decided on a second attack if it was needed. But he really didn’t want to do this. It would hurt her so badly!

“Running again Mac? Did you even deal with your Uncle Mat’s death? Did you even cry when he died?”

He knew that was a low blow. She must have been in such agony when he died, but no one had seen a trace of tears on her face. She had returned from the funeral with that calm detachment that had driven them to this point.

She drew in a sharp breath at that. “That is none of your damn business Rabb. How I mourn my Uncle is my business and nobody else’s.” Anger caused her voice and hands to tremble.

“Oh it’s my business Mac. You see, I respected him. I just want to make sure you DO mourn him. I haven’t seen any evidence that you have. You just settled back into life. It’s a wonder you even went to the funeral. You don’t even miss him, do you?”

Sheer rage overtook her at his words. She picked up her coffee and flung the cup at him with all her strength. He managed to deflect it with his arm. She searched for another weapon to fling at him.

“I can’t believe your nerve! Just because I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve for you to approve, you think I don’t miss him! That man saved my life, literally. He picked me up out of the gutter, and forced me to take stock of my life and gave me a chance to make something of myself! HOW DARE YOU SAY I DON’T MISS HIM YOU LOUSY SON OF A BITCH! I miss him so much I don’t know how to deal with it. The only person in my life that I could count on, right or wrong, is dead.”

She threw the small vase from the table at him. Failing to find another thing to throw at him, she went to him and punched him in the shoulder with all her strength.

“God damn you Harm. And God damn the Admiral. And God damn anybody who doesn’t think I didn’t love and respect and need Uncle Mat.” She punctuated each “damn” with a punch to his shoulder.

The tears were flowing down her face unchecked as she cursed him. Abruptly she turned from him and collapsed sobbing on the couch.

His heart broke for her. He went to her and sat beside her, attempting to put his arms around her.

“No! Leave me alone! You never wanted me, and I don’t need you’re pity. I was weak once when I ran to Mic, but I won’t be again. I don’t need you or anybody.”

Undeterred, he pulled her into his arms. She struggled against him, still sobbing. “Please Harm, don’t. I can’t take anymore of this.”

“Mac, I’m sorry. I had to find some way to get through to you. I love you. I always have. I was just too stupid to admit it.”

“Then why are you doing this? Why are you hurting me about Uncle Mat?”

“Because I love you. You needed to let go and cry, to deal with all the stress and pain in your life. You were just fading away from me, and I couldn’t take it. I had to provoke you somehow.”

She finally collapsed against him and he enfolded her in his arms, stroking her hair. “I know you loved your Uncle Mat, and that he was very important to you.” She started sobbing again, this time against his chest.

“But you’re wrong Sarah. He’s not the only person you can count on. You can count on me, right or wrong. And you can count on the Admiral, and Bud and Harriet. We all love you, me most of all.”

She just kept crying and crying. And he just held her while she cried; his own tears falling for her heartbreak. Occasionally he made out words between her sobs, “ Uncle Mat, Mic, You.” Phrases such as “had to be strong, all alone, hurts, and tired.”

She cried herself to sleep. They were lying together on the couch; he was still holding her. She was holding on to him and sobbing softly even in her sleep.

He dozed after she fell asleep, but kept waking if she moved; afraid she might need him.

He had no idea that she had that much pain inside her. She had cried for hours, speaking incoherently between sobs, just holding on to him. Pain overwhelmed him at the pain he had caused her.

He cuddled her close, kissing the top of her head. “No more pain Sarah. We will work this out, and I’ll be here for you with whatever you need. That’s a promise.” And with that thought he finally managed to sleep.

Sarah Mackenzie’s Apartment
Saturday 0800 Local

He felt it the moment she woke up, before she opened her eyes.

“Good Morning.” He looked down at her, still lying on his chest.

Her eyes opened, but she didn’t look at him. She didn’t say anything. He realized she was uncertain and scared. And probably had a terrible headache from all the crying.

“Mac?”

“I’m sorry Harm. Sorry for falling apart on you, and sorry for all the things I said, and sorry for hitting you and throwing things at you.”

“I’m not sorry you did any of that Mac. I’m glad you did. Well, maybe not the throwing and hitting part.” He laughed.

There was no answering laugh from her. “I mean it Harm.”

“Mac.” He took her chin and forced her to meet his eyes. “Don’t you know yet that I love you? I needed to be able to reach you somehow. I know I provoked you into all that, but I didn’t see any other way to break through to you.”

Tears welled up again.

“Oh no you don’t. You have to eat before you cry anymore.” She managed a watery chuckle at that.

“Get up and take a shower. I’ll treat you to breakfast at the Waffle House. Any greasy thing you want.”

She pushed herself off him and stood next to the couch. As she walked toward the bedroom he said very softly, “Mac”. She stopped without turning around. “I meant it. I do love you, very much.”

At first she didn’t move, and then finally pivoted to face him. “I love you too Harm. I always have.” And she turned back and went to take a shower.

A grin broke across his face after her words registered. Finally, something was going right. It was about damn time.

He thought he’d better call the Admiral while Mac was in the shower. She might not appreciate knowing of the Admiral’s part in all this.

He dialed the Admiral’s cell phone.

“Chegwidden.”

“Admiral. Commander Rabb reporting in.”

“How did it go Harm?” The Admiral didn’t mention that he had spent the entire night worrying.

“It was rough Sir, but I think our mission is accomplished.”

“Is she all right Harm?”

“I think so Sir. There was a lot of yelling and a lot crying. She seems better this morning.”

The Admiral chuckled. “Are you hurt?”

“Only sore Sir, no broken bones.”

The Admiral laughed outright. “OK Harm, call if you need anything or there’s a problem. Other than that I will see you on Monday.”

“Aye Aye Sir. And thank you.”

“No, thank YOU Harm.”

There was a click as the Admiral hung up.

Harm hung up the phone and turned around to look straight into the eyes of Mac.

“Hey” He was nervous, wondering how much she overheard.

She didn’t say anything. Her eyes did not reveal anger, but uncertainty and sorrow.

“What’s wrong Mac?”

“Harm, do you and the Admiral think I’m crazy? Is that what last night was about?” He realized she had overheard most of the conversation, if not all.

“Of course not Mac.” He reached out to draw her in to a hug, but she stepped away.

“Because I want you to know I’m not crazy. I know now that I wasn’t dealing with anything like you told me, but I am now. I appreciate what you did last night, but you don’t need to watch over me or protect me. I can handle the truth, Harm. In fact I can handle the truth better than any deception that is done just for my benefit.”

He saw where she was coming from finally. She thought he just said I love you because she needed to hear it.

He put a hand out to her again, but she stepped further away.

“Mac, last night happened because I love you. I could not bear the distance that had come between us, and I was afraid I would lose you forever. Yes, the Admiral knows about this. He doesn’t think you’re crazy, he thinks you’ve been through some very rough times and needed to know people care about you.

He never doubted your abilities as a marine or lawyer Mac. All that was an excuse to force you to be near me for an extended period of time. He cares about you deeply Mac. You should know that by now.

You had drifted so far from all of us. Nobody could get to you. We were all worried about you. Finally the Admiral and I came up with a plan. It was risky and painful for you, but we didn’t know what else to do. You have to realize that it was done out of love and concern, not pity, and certainly not because we thought you were crazy.”

She finally allowed him to hold her. “I- I’m sorry Harm. I guess I just don’t know which way is up right now.” Her voice was choked with emotion and she was struggling to hold back tears again.

He tightened his arms around her. “You have nothing to be sorry for Mac. Those are natural questions, but please believe me about this. I love you, and want you to be happy. So do the Admiral, Bud, and Harriet, and everyone at JAG. OK, not Singer, but everyone else.”

She gave him a small smile.

“I guess I did kind of lose sight of that. It’s just everything happened at once, I don’t know how to explain it. I just couldn’t talk to anybody, couldn’t bear to let anyone know.”

“Know what?”

There was a long pause.

“That I screwed up my life so badly. It just seems like no matter what I do, how I plan it, nothing ever goes right. I try not to be needy; to make it on my own, but I just can’t seem to do that anymore. I used to be so good at it, but I’m tired of being alone.” She was crying again.

“Mac, you didn’t screw up your life. You just hit a little bump in the road. Everyone does. And you’re not alone. You never will be again; don’t you know that by now? You have people that love you and think of you as family. You’ve been there for everyone, me, Bud, Harriet, even the Admiral. Let us be there for you. Let ME be there for you.”

He sat her down on the couch, held her hands, and looked into her eyes. “Mac, we’ve been dancing around the issue of US for years. I don’t want to anymore. I know I’ve let you down many times, but I want you to know that will NEVER happen again. I want us to be together.”

“Harm, you never let me down. Yes, I was hurt when you left to fly, but I understood. I just really really missed you. And even Australia, it was your right to say you weren’t interested. I didn’t like it, it hurt, but I didn’t blame you. You have a right to your feelings.

I know you love me. I never doubted that. But it’s ok if it’s not the ‘forever’ kind of love that you feel for a lover. Your friendship is one of the best things that ever happened to me, I treasure it. You might not think so after the way I’ve acted, but I do. It’s just- I couldn’t," She stumbled for the words.

She took a deep shuddery breath.

“I couldn’t separate myself from how I felt about you as easily as I wanted to. I tried to respect what you said on the ferry, that you didn’t want me that way. That’s why when Mic asked me to marry him a few days later I didn’t say no, but I couldn’t say yes. Everything happened so fast.”

“Mac, it’s ok, I understand.”

“No, you don’t Harm. I finally accepted it. That’s why I finally said yes to Mic. I thought we could still be friends, that I could still have you in my life. And then, the night of the engagement party, I couldn’t seem to let go without some kind of closure with you. That’s why I pushed you so hard that night. I didn’t mean to force you into something you don’t feel.”

“Mac-”

“Let me finish. I ran to you when Mic left, expecting you to make everything all right, and that was unfair. I was in no shape emotionally to deal with anything you might have said, and plus you were still involved with Renee. Once again, I was trying to force you into something you weren’t ready for and didn’t want.”

He made a sound to protest and she cut him off.

“I mean it Harm. I’m sorry. I took all the rage I was feeling for my own inadequacies and life’s problems and pointed it at you. I never gave you the chance to be my friend after that. I’m sorry, sorrier than I can ever show, and I hope you’ll forgive me.”

“I never should have said yes to Mic. I can see that now. I was running from you, and using him. He just had the good sense to get out before it was too late. So there’s another person I was unfair to. He hurt me, but I hurt him much worse. And if I thought it would do any good or make any difference to him, I would apologize to him too.

Oh God, I’m tired of hurting people and being hurt. I’m so tired of it all Harm. It’s all so pointless and stupid and painful.”

Her words scared him. He really hadn’t realized the depth of her pain. He thought about it, everything she said and things she did not say. How her childhood affected her, and her sense of self worth. He knew he had major damage control to accomplish, and just hoped he was up to the task.

“Can I talk now?” She gave him a nod.

OK, let me say a few things. First, I have been an absolute ass with you. I can’t allow you to shoulder all the blame for the problems in our relationship. I didn’t want to face how I felt about you, the depth of the emotion scared me. I knew that if I “let go” with it, it was going to be more than I ever felt before. So I ran, like a coward.

But I couldn’t run away. I could deny what I felt, but I couldn’t separate myself from it, just like you. It killed me to see you with Mic, knowing it should be me, and that I was responsible for the whole situation.”

“Harm, don’t excuse my actions. I am an adult, and I am responsible for what I do.”

“Mac, I have to acknowledge where I was wrong too. Otherwise we will never move beyond this. And you didn’t push me into anything on the night of your engagement party. I wanted you to know how I felt, but even then I couldn’t say the words. Maybe it was because you were at your engagement party; maybe I was still scared, maybe both. But when I kissed you, I knew I was a goner.

But I thought you still wanted Mic. That’s why I didn’t pursue it any further. When my plane went down, all I could think of was getting back to you. But as far as I knew, you were still getting married, and Renee was hanging all over me. Plus, I wasn’t too sure which end was up at that point.” He shot a smile at her.

When you came by the night Mic left, I was planning on breaking it off with Renee. It wasn’t fair to her to keep dragging that relationship on and on, when there was no future in it. So I was glad you came to me.

I couldn’t do it to her when her Father died. I was torn. I owed her, and I owed you. But I had to be there for her, as much as I wanted to be with you, I had to be there for her. You don’t know how painful a choice that was. I still regret it; I always will. You have stood by me and been there for me for every difficult painful moment of my life since I’ve known you. I’ve let you down so many times.

It was her turn to try to interrupt him. He held up a hand to forestall her objections.

Then, on the Guadalcanal, I couldn’t get through to you. I thought you understood I was finally ready to “let go”. But I had done the same thing Mic had done, pressured you. I should have let you have the time you needed to get your equilibrium back. My only excuse is I was scared if I waited, you wouldn’t let me in. And as things turned out, that fear was right.

Then, when you came back, we still weren’t talking. Renee broke up with me. I was scared to tell you, scared you would think I was pressuring you again. And, oh hell, I was scared you didn’t want me by then.”

“And the blonde bimbo at the bar?” Her voice held the first vestige of humor he had heard from her in a while.

“Mac, you know me better than that. She just came up and started flirting with me. It was good for my ego, but it was going nowhere.”

She laughed. “I was SOOOO jealous I couldn’t see straight.”

“Does this mean you forgive me?”

“Do you forgive me?”

They both laughed, finally comfortable with each other again.

“Harm,” She was serious again. “Please don’t feel forced into a relationship with me. I really am ok, and will be ok. I just really need honesty from you, nothing else, nothing less. Please.”

“Mac, you have known me for six years. You know I don’t lie, even for a good cause. I love you, Sarah.” He used her given name to be sure she knew how important this was. “ More than I ever thought was possible. Please believe me, I need you, much more than you need me.”

Her eyes searched his for a moment, looking for the honesty she needed.

“I need you Harm, and I love you. Do you have a seabag in you car?”

He was startled by the abrupt change in subject, and just nodded.

“Go get it and take a shower Flyboy. Then you need to feed me. I believe you offered me any greasy thing I want.”

He smiled and rose to do her bidding. “Your wish is my command Colonel.”

She made gagging noises as he went for the seabag.

Sarah Mackenzie’s Apartment
Saturday 1730 Local

They had spent the day together talking. First breakfast, then jogging, and finally just lounging around watching TV at her place. They had not kissed, much less made love. They had only talked, teased, and laughed, catching up on all the things they missed for so long.

She told him about Lilliana and the Consulate evacuation. He told her about how it felt to be afraid to fly, and how the young seaman had helped him get over it. They talked about the night he crashed. They talked about Renee. They talked about Mic. They talked about cases. It was like they couldn’t stop talking. It was wonderful, even better than old times.

The one thing they didn’t talk about was them as a couple. It was an unspoken agreement.

Finally, around 5:30, he said he had to go. Her face fell, and the sparkle left her eyes.

“I have to go to the store and pick up some groceries. I have dinner plans tonight.”

“Oh, ok.” She didn’t say anything else.

“Aren’t you going to ask who with?”

She avoided his eyes.

“It’s not my business.”

He laughed. “Oh, I think it is.”

She looked up at him, confused. “What?”

“Would you come to my place for dinner tonight Sarah?”

She punched him in the arm.

“You know, you’ve been hitting me a lot lately. I may have to file charges.”

“Harm, you’re a rat, you know that?”

“Sarah, from now on, it is definitely your business whom I have dinner with. And you better know from now that it is MY business who you have dinner with.”

“I think I can live with that Squid. But I better not catch you with any more blonde bimbos.”

He laughed again, and pulled her into his arms. “Sarah, I can honestly say that I have never enjoyed a day more than today. It was wonderful spending it with you. Will you let me fix you dinner tonight?”

She pretended to think it over. “Hmmmmm, I don’t know.”

He gave her a little shake. “I don’t know. Maybe you should convince me.” She smiled slyly at him.

“Like this?” He nibbled on her ear and ran featherlight kisses down her neck.

“That’s a good start”, she managed to get out. He finally gave her a light kiss on her mouth. “What about this?” Teasing her lips with his.

“It’s making me think about it,” she whispered, teasing him back.

“And how about this?” And he pressed his lips to hers fully, his tongue seeking entrance to her mouth. She responded fully, their tongues caressing and exploring while their hands did some exploring of their own.

Finally he broke away, resting his forehead on hers. “Well?” he asked breathlessly.

She was breathing hard. “Well what?” She actually had forgotten the question.

“Will you have dinner with me tonight?”

“Will you do that again if I do?”

“You can count on it.”

“Then absolutely.”

He started kissing her again, and soon they were lost in each other.

Finally he tore himself away. “Come to my place- 7:00?”

She smiled at him. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

He finally left to prepare for the evening.

Harm’s Apartment
North of Union Station
Saturday 1900 Local

He was putting the finishing touches on the table when a knock at the door sounded.

Opening the door, he found Mac smiling at him.

“Right on time Marine.”

“As usual Squid.”

“Can I take your coat,” he asked, ever the gentleman.

“Thank you.” She unbuttoned it and slid it off.

She was wearing a dark green velvet halter dress that showed off her beautiful figure.

He didn’t say anything, but looked his fill. “Harm?”

He realized she was holding her coat out to him. He grinned sheepishly. “Sorry, my mind wandered.”

“Where did it go?”

“I’ll tell you later,” and he leered at her suggestively.

“You’re terrible.”

“But you love me anyway.”

She just smiled at him.

Dinner was quiet, with not much conversation; music played softly in the background. The sexual tension in the air was palpable. They held hands and their eyes met often. When they finished, she started to clear the table.

“Leave it Mac. They’ll keep. Dance with me?”

She came to him and he took her in his arms. They began swaying to the music, enjoying the feeling of being close.

His hands traveled across her bare back as they danced, caressing the skin, and pulling her closer. Their dance slowed as their attention wandered from the music. He nuzzled her neck, inhaling her perfume. He could feel her quickened breathing, and continued his assault, blowing gently into her ear before teasing a delicate lobe with his lips.

He could feel her tremble, and her response incited him to further exploration. His lips teased across her smooth cheek, while his hands still traced slow soft patterns on her back.

“Harm”, she breathed. She pulled back from him a little, looking deeply into his eyes. She leaned up to kiss him, running her hands around to the sides of his head to pull him to her, initiating a deep kiss while closing her eyes.

He’d meant to make this a slow sensuous experience for both of them, finally culminating six years of foreplay. As the kiss deepened, all thoughts of slow went out the window, and a frantic heat overtook both of them.

His hands slid up to her breasts, pinching the nipples through the material bringing a deep moan from her. He couldn’t wait any longer and reached behind her neck to fumble for the fastening of the halter dress she wore. He couldn’t figure it out and fumbled around before she whispered between passionate kisses, “Just rip it.”

He did. They were so close together the dress didn’t drop. He finally pushed it down and covered her bare breasts with his hands, eliciting more moans from her. His lips followed shortly, taking one turgid peak in his mouth and swirling his tongue around it. His other hand alternately caressed her other breast and pinched her nipple. She arched her back instinctively, pushing towards his mouth while moaning, “Oh God Harm”.

Finally she pulled him back up to kiss her again and took his shirt in her hands and ripped it open, buttons flying everywhere.

The ripping of his shirt released something primal in him, and he crushed her to him, practically devouring her mouth. She was just as demanding in her response, clutching him and digging her nails into his back.

He finally realized the dress was gone, dropped to the floor and kicked it away along with her shoes. She was wearing only thigh high hose and panties. His hand slipped down to her wet center. He put his finger insider her, she was so wet and hot he could hardly bear it.

She had gotten his belt undone and was struggling with his pants. Finally managing to get them undone, she pushed them down to the floor along with his boxers. She slid down his body, kissing and licking the whole way, until she reached his penis. When she reached that she stopped, gave him one sultry look, and took him in her mouth, swirling her tongue and gently sucking while moving in and out.

“Holy shit Mac, you don’t know what you’re doing to me!” He pulled her up a little roughly, not meaning to be rough, but passion had overcome him.

Wild kissing began again as he thrust his finger inside her again and rubbed her clit lightly. He toed off his shoes and kicked off his pants and boxers. Not able to wait another minute, he picked her up in one swoop, causing her to gasp.

He continued kissing her while he carried her to the bed, never stopping while he laid her down. “I have to taste you Mac. I can’t wait for that.” He removed thigh high stockings and panties. Without missing a beat he went right to her folds, teasing her clit with his tongue, and tasting the sexual juices. Nothing had ever tasted so good to him.

She groaned loudly while pulling at his shoulders, loving what he was doing to her, but needing to feel him deep inside her. He understood and raised up, trailing kisses all the way to her mouth. She could taste herself on him, and it only made her wilder. She began stroking his penis, and rubbing the head against her opening, driving him crazy with desire.

Finally in one smooth thrust he entered her. She reacted like a wildcat, screaming his name and clawing at his back. Again wanting to go slow, he was unable to resist the feel of being inside her and her wild urging. He began thrusting faster and harder. He felt her muscles clench and heard her calling his name interspersed with “Oh my God!” She finally gave one long moaning call of his name; her entire body seemed to go up in flames. She carried him over the edge with her, and he felt his own orgasm stronger than he ever had in his life.

They lay together in an unmoving heap afterwards, unable to move. After several minutes she finally got her breath back to a normal level. “Harm, all I can say is when you let go, you REALLY let go.”

She was rewarded with a chuckle as he rolled off her onto his back and settled her comfortably on his shoulder. “Yeah, well you didn’t seem too bound up with fear and inhibition either.”

She laughed, and then said seriously, “It’s never been like that for me before.”

He moved her from his shoulder and rolled on his side so he could look at her. She actually looked shy, not wanting to meet his eyes. He smiled, wondering how she could feel shy after that display of wild abandon.

He tilted her chin up with his finger and met her gaze.

“Sarah, it’s never been like that for me either.”

He leaned into her and kissed, a long slow sweet kiss. “I love you Mac.”

“And I love you Harm, so very much.”

They fell asleep entwined together.

2/4

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