• Do not go sailing into the sliding doors thinking you can catch the birds who are flying around outside. The doors are closed because the air conditioner is on and you will WHACK your head against the glass. (She keeps the darn glass too clean, so it's hard to tell whether the door is open or closed.)

  • Stay away from flowers. Those lilies of the valley are sweet to smell but they will make you very sick.

  • Go under the bed when it thunders. Above all, do not climb a tree. Cats are good conductors of electricity and you will get scorched.

  • It's okay to lick the pan after she has fried some bacon. Give the pan time to cool off before you attempt this, or you will burn your nose. Bacon grease will help you pass hairballs more comfortably.

  • If the mistress is sleeping naked, DO NOT attempt to bite her butt. You will be one dead cat if you try that.

  • If the mistress gets hot, she might remove her bra and hang it on a doorknob. DO NOT play around with any bras that are hanging from doorknobs. You are liable to get tangled up and strangle yourself. That would be a very embarrassing way to go.

  • In the event a real live mouse gets indoors, kill it and deposit it in the toilet bowl. A real live mouse is not a playmate or toy. They must be eliminated.

  • Do not attempt to drink from the toilet bowl, no matter how thirsty you get. The toilet bowl is filled with toxic chemicals in an attempt to keep it clean. It's not drinkable.

  • Do not take a nap in a sunny window when it's 95 degrees outside. You might not wake up.

  • Do not try to get into the refrigerator to cool off. The door will slam shut and you will be stuck in the dark�possibly dead from eating all the chocolate she keeps in there.

  • If she pours herself a glass of wine, keep your nose out of it. Cats are supposed to be aloof, cool and sophisticated. You are going to look like an idiot if you start staggering around drunk.







    ~ Frannie ([email protected]) ~

    � Flower photograph by Paul ([email protected])
    July 2004

     



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