(On-screen caption: 'IT'S A MAN'S LIFE IN THE CARDIFF ROOMS, LIBYA'. Scene : Colonel with army
recruitment posters on wall behind him.)
Colonel: Right, cut to me. As Officer Commanding the Regular Army's Advertising
Division, I object, in the strongest possible terms to this obvious reference to our own slogan 'lt's a dog's life ...
(correcting himself rapidly) a man's life in the modern army' and I warn this programme that any
recurrence of this sloppy long-haired civilian plagiarism will be dealt with most severely. Right, now on the
command 'cut', the camera will cut to camera two, all right, director... (cut to a man sitting at desk) Wait
for it! (cut back to colonel) Camera cut. (cut to man; he has a Viking helmet on)
Man: This is my only line. (catcalls) (defensively) Well, it's my only line.
(Cut to a gentleman in striped blazer, boater and cicket flannels
walking down to beach dutching towel and bathing trunks. He puts his
towel on a breakwater next to another towel and starts to change. He
suddenly looks up and we see everyone on the beach has turned to watch
him - not with any disapproval just a blank English stare. He grabs
his towel off the breakwater and starts to take his trousers off under that.
Girl in a bikini has been sitting on other side of the breakwater, stands
up looking for her towel. She sees that the man is using it and she whisks
it eft him leaving him clutching his half-down trousers. Shot of everyone
staring at him again. He pulls them up and makes fir a beach hut...
embarrassed. He goes into beach hut. Inside he is about to take his
trousers off, when he becomes aware of a pair of feet which come up to
the back of the beach hut - there is a 6-inch gap along bottom - and
stop as if someone wen peering through the crack. The man looks slightly
outraged and pulls his trousers up, goes outside and edges cautiously
round to the back of the beach hut. Then he finds a man
bending close to the side of the beach hut with his hand to his face. The Gentleman
kicks him hard in the seat of the pang. The man turns in obvious
surprise, to reveal he was merely trying to light his cigarette out of the
wind. The gentleman backs away with embarrassed apologies.
We cut to the front of the beach hut to see gentleman backing round at
the same time as a large matronly woman marches into the hut... the
man follows her in. He is promptly thrown out on his ear. In desperation
he looks around. On the promenade he suddenly sees an ice-cream van.
fie walks up to it, looks around, then nips behind to start changing. At
the same time a policeman strolls up to the ice-cream van and
tells it to move on. The van drives off, exposing the gentleman clutching
his trousers round his ankles. Close-up policeman's reaaion. The man
hurriedly pulls trousers up as policeman approaches him pulling out note
book. Still covered in confusion he runs 12way from the policeman. In long
shot we see him approach the commissionaire of the Royale Palace De
Luxe Hotel. He whispers to the commissionaire, indicates by mime that
he wants to take his trousers off: The commissionaire reacts to the gesture.
The man nods. The commissionaire starts to take his trousers off. Man
backs away once more in confusion - he has been misunderstood. Back on
the beach again. He hides behind a pile of deckchairs. At that moment a
beach party of jolly trippers arn've and each takes one. The deckchair pile
rapidly disappears leaving the gentleman once again exposed. He dashes
behind the deckchair attendant's hut which is next to him. Enter two
workmen who dismantle it. Desperate by now he goes onto the pier. He
goes into the amusement arcade, looking around furtively. Nips behind a
'what the butler saw' machine. Woman comes and puts penny in and
starts to look, beckons over husband,' he comes, looks in the machine, sees
the man' changing his trousers. They chase him off. Stir pursued he nips
into door. Finds himself in blackness. Relieved - at last he has found
somewhere to change. He relaxes and starts to take his trousers off.
Suddenly hears music and applause... curtains swishes back to reveal he
is on stage of the pier pavilion. The audience applauds. Resigned to his
fate, he breaks into stiptease routine.)
Voice Over: (and Caption) 'IT'S A MAN'S LIFE TAKING YOUR CLOTHES
OFF IN PUBLIC
(Cut to colonel)
Colonel: Quiet. Quiet. Now wait a minute. I have already warned this
programme about infringing the Army copyright of our slogan 'It's
a pig's life... man's life in the modern army'. And I'm warning
you if it happens again, I shall come down on this programme like
a ton of bricks... right. Carry on sergeant major.