(Scene a chairman of discussion group.)
Chairman: Well to discuss the implications of that sketch and to consider the moral
problems raised by the law-enforcement methods involved we have a duck, a cat and a lizard. Now first of
all I'd like to put this question to you please, lizard. How effective do you consider the legal weapons employed
by legal customs officers, nowadays? (shot of lizard; silence) Well while you're thinking about that,
I'd like to bring the duck in here, and ask her, if possible, to clarify the whole question of currency restrictions, and
customs regulations in the world today. (shot of duck; silence) Perhaps the cat would rather answer
that? (shot of cat; silence) No? Lizard? (shot of lizard again and then back) No. Well,
er, let's ask the man in the street what he thinks.
(Cut to film:)
French Au Pair: I am not a man you silly billy.
Man on Roof: I'm not in the street you fairy.
Man in Street: Well, er, speaking as a man in the street... (a car runs him over) Wagh!
Man: What was the question again?
Voice Over: Just how relevant are contemporary customs regulations and currency
restrictions in a modern expanding industrial economy? (no answer) Oh never mind.
Pepperpot: Well I think customs men should be armed, so they can kill people carrying
more than two hundred cigarettes.
Man: (getting up from a deckchair and screaming with indignation and rage: he has a
knotted handkerchief on his head and his trousers are rolled up to the knees) Well I, I think that, er, nobody
who has gone abroad should be allowed back in the country. I mean, er, blimey, blimey if they're not keen enough
to stay here when they're 'ere, why should we allow them back, er, at the tax-payers' expense? I mean, be fair, I mean,
I don't eat squirrels do I? I mean well perhaps I do one or two but there's no law against that, is there? It's a free
country. (enter a knight in amour) I mean if I want to eat a squirrel now and again, that's me own
business, innit? I mean, I'm no racialist. I, oh, oh...
( The knight is carrying a raw chicken. The man apprehensively covers his head and the knight slams him in the
stomach with the chicken.)
Woman: I think it's silly to ask a lizard what it thinks, anyway.
Chairman: Why?
Woman: I mean they should have asked Margaret Drabble.
Young Man: (very reasonably) Well I think, er, customs people are quite
necessary, and I think they're doing quite a good job really.