(The door opens and two pantomime horses run in. Pantomime music.
They do a routine including running round the room and bumping into
each other. They then stand in front of the city gent erassing their legs
and putting their heads on one side.)
City Gent: Now I've asked you to ... (they repeat the routine) Now I've
asked you ... (they start again) Shut up! (they stop) Now I've asked
you in here to see me this morning because I'm afraid we're going
to have to let one of you go. (the pantomime hones heads go up, their
ears waggle and their eyes go round) I'm very sorry but the present
rationalization of this firm makes it inevitable that we hive one of
you off. (mater spurts out of their eyes in a stream) Now you may think
that this is very harsh behaviour but let me tell you that our
management consultants actually queried the necessity for us to
employ- a pantomime horse at all. (the horses register surprise and
generally behave ostentatiously) And so the decision has to be made
which one of you is to go. Champion... how many years have you
been with this firm? (Champion stamps his foot three times) Trigger?
(Trigger stamps his front foot twice and rear foot once) I see. Well, it's a
difficult decision. But in accordance with our traditional principles
of free enterprise and healthy competition I'm going to ask the two
of you to fight to the death for it. (one of the hones runs up to him
and puts his head by the cityy gent's ear) No, I'm afraid there's no
redundancy scheme.
(The hones turn and start kicking each other on the shins. After a few blows)
Voice Over: (German accent) In the hard and unrelenting world of
nature the ceaseless struggle for survival continues. (one of the
pantomime horses turns tail and runs out) This time one of the
pantomime horses concedes defeat and so lives to fight another
day. (cut to stock film of sea lions fighting) Here, in a colony of sea
lions, we see a huge bull sea lion seeing off an intruding bull who
is attempting to intrude on his harem. This pattern of aggressive
behaviour is typical of these documentaries. (cut to shot of two almost
stationary limpets) Here we see two limpets locked in a life or death
struggle for territory. The huge bull limpet, enraged by the rock,
endeavours to encircle its sprightly opponent. (shot of wolf standing
still) Here we see an ant. This ant is engaged in a life or death
struggle with the wolf. You can see the ant creeping up on the wolf
on all sixes. (a moving arrow is superimposed) Now he stops to
observe. Satisfied that the wolf has not heard him, he approaches
nearer. With great skill he chooses his moment and then, quick as
a limpet, with one mighty bound (the arrow moves to the wolf's
throat; the wolf does not move) buries his fangs in the wolf's neck.
The wolf struggles to no avail. A battle of this kind can take
anything up to fifteen years because the timber ant has such a tiny
mouth. (distant shot of two men fighting violently) Here we see Heinz
Sielmann engaged in a life or death struggle with Peter Scott.
They are engaged in a bitter punch-up over repeat fees on the
overseas sales of their nature documentaries. (another man joins in)
Now they have been joined by an enraged Jacques Cousteau. This
is typical of the harsh and bitchy world of television features. (shot
of honey bear sitting about aimlessly) Here we see a honey bear not
engaged in a life or death struggle about anything. These honey
bears are placid and peaceful creatures and consequently bad
television. (shot of pantomime horse running along in a wood) Here we
see a pantomime horse. It is engaged in a life or death struggle for
a job with a merchant bank. However, his rival employee, the huge
bull pantomime horse, is lying in wait for him. (pantomime horse
behind tree drops sixteen-ton weight on the horse running under the tree)
Poor pantomime horse. (shot of pantomime goose behind a small tree
with a bow and arrow) Here we see a pantomime goose engaged in
a life or death struggle with Terence Rattigan. (we see Terrace
walking along) The enraged goose fires. (the goose fires and hits
Terence in the neck; Terrace looks amazed and dies) Poor Terence.
Another victim of this silly film. (shot of an amazing-looking large
woman with a crown waiting in the undergrowth by the side of a path)
Here we see an enraged pantomime Princess Margaret, she is lying
in wait for her breakfast. (a breakfast tray appears being pulled along
the path by a length of wire) The unsuspecting breakfast glides over
closer to its doom. The enraged pantomime royal person is poised
for the kill. She raises her harpoon and fires. (the pantomime
Princess Margaret does so, hurling the harpoon at the moving tray)
Pang! Right in the toast. A brief struggle and all is over. Poor
breakfast! Another victim of the.... aargh!
(ANIMATION: which beans by showing the sudden demise of the previous
voice over and continues with the story of a carnivorous house.)