| > Monday January 5th 2009 < "The name of the band is 'Establishment'." |
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| Your daily dose of the absurd. |
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| > Thursday January 1st 2009 < "Dirk Richter - blog master." |
| "So read it! Embrace its message! So print it out! Enjoy it with your friends! Hell, even turn it into a real sign and post it on the highway! Share it with your co-workers! Read the sign!" |
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| > Friday January 2nd 2009 < "Then you got Johnny Pencil-doer who thinks doing crossword puzzles makes him qualified to be a songwriter!" The 2009 NHL Winter Classic By Dolph Rudager ASSOCIATED PRESS Chicago - (A.P.) What it was. A huge farce, tickets sold out in less than 20 minutes, $300 rooftop seats, other tickets selling for over $1,000. 25 degrees with a howling east wind. No flurries. The outfield logos were reversed as they were depicted in the paper. I feel so lied to. Pot brownie break! I know people were certainly jacked up for this game, had been for weeks now. I bet those in the lower seats felt like shitheads, because the best seats were in the upper deck and bleachers, and the lower seats had a harder time seeing the action. Pot brownie break! But what is this shit?? Two giant TV's in the outfield corners?? Jumbo scoreboard in the centerfield bleachers?? Fake ivy banners on the walls?? Fake brick banners around the rink?? Stopping play with 7:17 left in the 3rd period to switch sides and cancel any home field advantage?? What is this bullshit?? The whole point was to have an outdoor game, and rake in the benefits of the weather. Pot brownie break! It's not like it mattered. Detroit Cougars, whom who had Red Wings logos on their shoulders, felt fine not stopping things at 10:00 because the Detroit whats-their-names were up 6-3, after the Blackhawks came roaring out in the 1st period, with a 3-1 lead, only to give up 5 unanswered points, and to get a 4th goal with a miniscule 0:09 seconds left. The Hawks and the crowd were really only into for the 1st period, because Detroit quickly tied the game in the 2nd. You have to wonder how much the fans impacted the game, being so far away. I bet they could barely hear the ref's whistles. Pot brownie break! So now we had some 41,000+ attended a hockey game in Wrigley Field, the 4th Chicago team to play on that field. And what do they get to say? "I sat out in the cold for over 5 hours, over-paid a lot of money on a ticket, only to see the Hawks lose 2 points in the standings and are now 0-4 against the Red Wings this season". I think the tackiest moment of all, was at the 7:17 mark in the 3rd when Stan Makita, Bobby Hull and Ryne Sandberg all sang "Take Me Out To The Ball Game", which some improvising on the lyrics. Sure this game was a great idea, but of course, the hellhole is tainted, and we can all see that. Wrigley Field is cursed. The last team to win anything on that field was the 1963 NFL Chicago Bears Champions, back when teams actually had a home field advantage in the championship game. TV ratings were up 13% from last years Winter Classic in Buffalo vs the Penguins, so something obviously is being done right. Pot brownie break! This game had all the shit of the making of a nationally televised game. A bloated, overly long 30+ minute pregame ceremony with multiple former Chicago players who had nothing to do with hockey showed up, there was I think what was the singing of the Canadian national anthem, because the last time I checked, these two teams played in America, and it didn't sound like anything I could ever understand. The game was officially sponsored by a tire company which got the royal treatment on the center ice, there was also tons of music on the P.A. system, and a Chevy was involved in the pregame and postgame, which of course after every nationally televised game, you have to give away an automobile, it's THE RULES. Pot brownie break! |
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| > Saturday January 3rd 2009 < "Danica Patrick Crew Hitting Inc." Person #1: (very happily) "Here's your present!!" Person #2: **unwraps present** Person #1: "It's the complete series of "Small Wonder" on Beta tapes!" Person #2: "Oh god...." Person #1: "Can you believe some gas station was just giving this away?? See, there's the whole Lawson family there on the cover smiling!" Person #2: (very angry) "You are the worst fucking human being EVER!!!!!!" |
| > Sunday January 4th 2009 < "I don't have time for fancy town hall lovefests, I have a presidency to run for!" "Small Wonder" is the type of show that destroyed itself. Here's a short scene from the 1985-1989 syndicated series, universally nominated & voted as the worst show ever created. It makes "Boy Meets World" look like "Oz" in comparison. a parent in the park: "I don't like the looks of those clouds." Vicki: **gets struck by lightning** a parent in the park: "OHMYGOD IS YOUR DAUGHTER ALL RIGHT??!!?!?!?!" Ted Lawson very casually: "Yeah she's fiiiiiiiiine." **goes strolling about** "Let's go get some new circuits so you can sleep in the cupboard tonight, Vicki!!" Vicki: (monotoned) "Cir...cu-its." a parent in the park: **starts freaking out** "OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMY...." |
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| Food review: "It was small and messy." On Sunday, January 4th, 2009 for lunch, I tried the new Arby's Pepper Jack Junior Roast Beef sandwiches. These things came out just last week and the deal goes 5 for $5.55. So what are these things? They're on small plain white corn dusted buns, very similar in size and shape as KFC's Snackers, come with some sliced roast beef, and is topped with a Pepper Jack cheese sauce, with a few red and green pieces of pepper. Everything was kept moist and warm because it only takes a few minutes to eat these things. Not a bad flavor and there's a passing grade of meat-to-bun ratio. There was plenty of cheese sauce and it was all over the sides of the meat and on the wrapper. Hotness of the cheese, on a scale of 1 to 10, this was about a 1.5, so it's very, very mild. Be prepared to go through at least 2 napkins, whether it's getting cheese sauce on your fingers or digging up the remaining cheese on the wrapper. I bet if Arby's did a full sized version, it'd be a nice alternative to have once in a while or as another sandwich option, since Pepper Jack cheese-anything isn't widely available, tho I'm certainly going to look for it more. These small sandwiches wouldn't be a bad thing at $1.11 a piece, tho I bet they're actually around $1.29 or $1.49 (or even $1.99) , given how Arby's tends to overprice their regular food items, where such coupon deals of 3 Beef 'N Cheddars for $5, as opposed to two regularly priced ones are well over $6. I think only once in my life did I not use a coupon at Arby's, some Beef 'N Cheddar combo meal back in the late 1990s. Arby's is nice but not at full price. |
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| > Tuesday January 6th 2009 < "Remember it's not where it goes over the plate, it's wear he catches it." Some more news about the February 17th switchover to digital TV. If like you, the ten's of millions of people who refuse to literally flush money down the toilet and giving in to the demands of cable companies that qualifies as blackmail, I prefer to receive my television over-the-air and free of charge (and quite frankly, with the invention of the DVD, there's no need to even have cable TV anymore). If you and your digital TV or digital converter box have been having trouble picking up channels (looking at you, cheapskate CBS) you're not alone. All over the Chicagoland area, in various areas, people are having trouble picking up various channels. The reason for this is some stations haven't turned on their digital transformers on yet, and in some cases, if they did, the signal would be weaker than analog signals. Some stations have their transformers on the top of their towers, others have moved theirs to a different location that's specifically made for digital broadcasting. Some stations are also waiting until the bitter end, and then the digital channel will finally magically appear on February 17th. My source is WTTW's Chicago Tonight Monday, January 5th broadcast. There's also note that low-power stations are not affected by this, and they will continue to broadcast in analog, this particularly small towns of non-major metropolitan cities. And we know, that this transition to digital TV is all about providing better picture and sound, and freeing up those frequencies that analog TV is hogging, which will open up a lot more lines and provide much faster signals. You will also notice a 9th brown ball icon has been added to the Untitled Daily Column Project, which is a link to MPizzablog on LiveJournal. |
| > Thursday January 8th 2009 < "You're not making scarf knitting better, you're just making sodomy worse." Person #1: "These pills do have some side affects." Person #2: "You ARE a side affect!" |
| > Wednesday January 7th 2009 < "You're not making puppy photography better, you're just making cannibalism worse." Today in Stupid Cubland News Well it's official, the Milton Bradley era has begun in Stupid Cubland. No, not the board game playing rightfield, but the actual loud, dangerously insane & violent baseball/umpire/manager/fan-fighting ballplayer. This will be Bradley's 7th team in 10 seasons, and he's only played more than 100 games 3 times. I can't wait until a Milton Bradley error leads to a fight with Carlos Zambrano. I could totally see Zambrano punching Lou right in his big god damn fat gut and watching his old fat ass hit the ground & then clocking Bradley. Then in return, Bradley would take his baseball bat and smash it on Zambrano's head and arm, which would result in a nude wrestling death match on the infield. And that's your best-case scenario, too. I also can't wait to see Lou have the audacity to suggest in his lifeless monotone way of speaking to Milton Bradley that "Hey you hit better right-handed why don't you hit right-handed full-time I don't understand things like that." I can't wait until Bradley has to drag his ass out of bed for all those day games and put up with the racial slurs from drunken bleacher Cub fans. Somehow WGN always figured out how to get almost all of Zambrano's starts which I used to dread, but now I can't wait to see the chaos! From an outside fan point of view, it's a horrible signing that will result in a disaster where fans will be chanting for him to leave town. |
| > Friday January 9th 2009 < "I'm a regular Joe and I like my joe regular." Oh no, it's time for another edition of "Ask Porter" Porter, How dare you paint former Beatle George Harrison as some kind of evil character! Why do you continue on insisting this?? ~Mary W. Mary W, You weren't there, so you don't know, do you?? Also, at the end of his song "Piggies", he instructs the listener to "Take your clothes off". If that description isn't evil, then I don't know what is. -o- Dear Porter, I was recently instructed by a Dr. Frasier Crane on the television that I'm supposed to "Drink my Dr. Pepper slowly - doctor's orders". Is this really true? ~Uylless Dear Useless, Number one, had you known, Dr. Frasier Crane is not a real doctor, he is a made-up character played by an actor, and not a very good one at that. Secondly, if you had watched the show "Frasier", you'd know in the finale that Frasier quit his radio job in Seattle where he ends up going to Chicago so in theory, this commercial; which also featured Lilith on the phone; could not have happened. And yes, "Roz" was really a man. -o- Dear Porter, We are parents of a 15-year old son who is anorexic and he's constantly exercising, doing push-ups and sit-ups, running and eating nothing. He's also extremely skinny, has no friends or personality. We're concerned and we're thinking of getting him help. This can't be normal, can it? ~concerned P's in PPville. Dear Pimple and Piss Parents, It seems like everything is completely normal to me. I think you're completely overreacting. Altho my advice to you is "skimp out on the celery for dinner, and limit the ice cube intake to about a half to a quarter of an ice cube per meal. Push-ups? What the fuck is HE trying to prove??? |
| > Sunday January 11th 2009 < "Charles in charge of our tongs and our rice..." Man driving family in car: "Ooooh, a stop sign! Guess our Death Wish will have to wait another day." |
| > Saturday January 10th 2009 < "Throw an interception!" I brought great shame to myself when I went to bed last night without knowing the lyrics to the Ramones song "Chain Saw". |
| > Monday January 12th 2009 < "Oh come on, she's bigger than the car!!" Man this is fucking bullshit. Jim Rice is now in the Hall of Fame? BOOOOOOOO!!!! Ken Rosenthal stated that "10 years of dominance is enough". That's total bullshit. Plenty of baseball players had 10 or more years of dominance, but that doesn't make a Hall of Fame career. Jim Rice does not belong in the Hall of Fame. Only 382 HR, 373 doubles, struck out 1 in every 5.78 at-bats, has a very average .352 OBP, never walked more than 62 times a year and averaged 52 a season, played in a small leftfield at Fenway & never won a Gold Glove, he went to 8 All Star Games but only played & started & was voted in 3 (!), only played 16 years and 4 of those were wash-out seasons, and even in 12 of those seasons, in 1980 & 1981 he only played 124 & 108 games. His stats were always borderline at best for "best ever". A good player yes, but he was only the best one on his teams in 1977 & 1978. Otherwise the Red Sox had better hitters than him. Part of the problem is over the years, Red Sox Nation kept whining louder and louder, and only due to modern standards where impatience is declining as life in general gets easier, faster and more self-centered, the need to keep high standards now seems antiquated, pointless, "mean", unjust, and BBWAA writers have become soft, tired of defending their choices & now just list any ballplayer that was an All Star in order to satisfy fans. These writers lack perspective, viewing experience, credentials, guts, knowledge, and quite frankly, a spine. There will always be guys that are considered "on the other side of the line drawn in the sand", that's life, that's the reality of things. Suddenly BBWAA want to be all nice guys and elect as many people as possible, because some claim, "who am I to judge harshly? I'm just a hack writer!" Obviously some do not take the privilege of the matter seriously, and they should have their right to vote stripped. Did anybody ever say during the careers of Jim Rice, Bruce Sutter, Goose Gossage go, "golly fucking shit gee, those guys are bona fide Hall of Famers for fucking SURE!!!!!!!!!!!". No. They were good players with great seasons along with some average ones to some bad ones. If there's anybody who's to blame for this (which of course lowering of standards would have inevitably happened due to the retirement of Juicers) would be the 1987 Oakland A's and Tony LaRussa, who decided to take a very average, washed up starting pitcher in Dennis Eckersley, and turn him into a closer. Had Eckersley (191-171, 390 SV) flamed out, he would had never been the first stater / reliever in the modern era to be elected a Hall of Famer, thus opening the flood gates for other closers, guys who only threw 1 or maybe 2 innings (and in some cases, only a batter or two) in the latest innings of a ballgame. Eckersley only had 6 dominating seasons & 1 of those was as a starter. Things are going to get muddy, standards are going to get even more lowered, pitching win totals new benchmark will probably be 250, meaning more guys will get in. Will Juicers with big career milestones get voted in? If enough pansy writers think "oh they accomplished that stuff BEFORE they were juicing" is completely naive, and a few of them (Sosa, Palmeiro, Bonds) were still on it when they broke them. There's going to be a bunch of guys who will end up with way more than 382 homeruns than Rice, which makes his pick that much more astounding. I think the biggest problem is these writers don't know the difference between a Grade A player, and a Grade A+ player. Grade A+ players are the exception to the rule: they are one of the best, completely undeniable. It's not like they are not of them out there, just wait and let it happen, and don't force the issue with people like Sutter, Rice & Gossage just to appease to fans whom these writers think they have an obligation to put someone in the Hall of Fame every single year. Let's take the interesting case of Albert "Joey" Belle. He played 13 seasons, finished with a .295 career average, played on two American League champion teams in leftfield just like Rice, hit 389 doubles, 381 HR (!) a .369 OBP, did it in 2,372 fewer at-bats, struck out 1 in every 6.08 at-bats, 5-time All Star, finished in the Top 3 in MVP voting 3 times (same as Rice) & was 1995 MLB of the Year to Rice's 1978 MVP title, and Belle dominated for 9 years and was one of the most feared right-handed batters in his time, just like Rice. Yet Belle was off the HOF ballot after his 2nd year and was never heard from again. It was always a conspiracy by the Nice Guys of BBWAA that Belle would never win an MVP award because he was a total dick of a person, and they wanted to make sure he was always prevented from making the Hall of Fame. It's these same writers who keep Don Mattingly on the ballot. Yes I know he was your star player on those wonderfully shitty 1980s-early 1990 Yankees teams and he may had been the best A.L. 1st baseman of his era, but he also played in a lousy era of 1st basemen. Baseball does not keep evolving that each generation is more superior than the previous. That is just not the case. Right now there is no pure singles hitter, there is power slugging catcher, there is no hardcore DH that's the center of a lineup, and there is no bona fide leadoff hitter who can steal bases up the ass, and there is no Greg Maddux-type finesse young pitcher out there, or even a knuckleball pitcher outside of Wakefield. And until Chase Utley, there hasn't been a real power hitting 2nd baseman since Ryne Sandberg. The Hall of Fame is now becoming more & more of a farce. |
| > Tuesday January 13th 2009 < "We will have to rely on our massively superior Cribbage skills." French Stewart: "Iiiiii don'tttttt liiiiike itttt." Cleveland Brown (angrily): "What are you squintin' aboutttttt?!!!" |
| > Wednesday January 14th 2009 < "Does anybody ever really "read" a book?" Somewhere at Compass Point Studios in The Bahamas, between April & May, 1980. Brian Johnson: "Educatin', masturbatin' ... Let me put my dick into you, babe. Let me put my dick on the line......" Producer Robert John "Mutt" Lange: "Yeeeeeeeeeah I'm gonna have to stop rolling tape on you right there..." |
| > Saturday January 17th 2009 < "You fucking Texan, why don't you stick to just things you know like steak and air conditioning." **cut to black screen with title** Voice-over on the television: "This is 'Tales From A Day In White Male History'." **cut to Brighammn Turlington sitting in a chair in a study room full of bookshelves** Brighmamn Turlington in a Shakespearean voice: "Welcommmmmmme to 'Tales From A Day In White Male Hissstorrrrryyyyy!' On August 3rrrrrrrrrd, young Keith Kimball uttered a racial slurrrrrr!" **cut to film** Keith Kimball storms into an office: "Who's the shitfaced cockmaster in charge of this place?!! I don't like what the fuck is going on here." boss walks in: "I'm Mr. O'Reilly, I'm the one who's in charge of things here! How DARE you say such things!" Keith Kimball angrily: "You bogtrotter!!!" **cut to Brighammn Turlington** Brighammn Turlington in a Shakespearean voice with hands in a taken-back position: "OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" **cut to black screen with title** Voice-over: "This has been 'Tales From A Day In White Male History'." end |
| > Thursday January 15th 2009 < "I take it Mr. Magoo was never a goalie in hockey." It is cold. It is very cold. Chicagoland is going through its coldest period since February 1996, which in fact the blog did not exist then. It's been below zero since Wednesday, and it won't reach above zero until sometime mid-Friday. Also of note, the Barometric Pressure is at an astounding 30.78", the highest I've ever seen, tho I am going to include some info off the WGN weather blog: "The National Weather Service and its precursor agencies have been recording barometric pressure in Chicago since late 1870. During that period, an endless parade of highs and lows have resulted in a barometric span of 2.28 inches of mercury between the city's pressure extremes. On March 12, 1923, an intense storm system passed close to the city, bringing rain and thunderstorms along with the city's lowest-ever barometer reading of 28.70 inches. On the up side, the highest barometer reading was recorded nearly 20 years ago on Feb. 16, 1989, when an arctic high settled over the upper Midwest, sending the mercury here to a lofty 30.98 inches. Despite the very high pressure, it was not exceptionally cold that day with a high of 26 and a low of 8." |
| > Friday January 16th 2009 < "They should rename Rachael Ray's show to "Annoying Rich People With Nothing Better To Do All Day"" It is cold. It is still very cold. Apparently out in Aurora, they've been recording the coldest wind chills in Chicagoland, with readings like -47 below, -42 below, -32 below zero recently. It's the kind of cold that in 2 minutes, your fingers freeze up, you can't move them and if you do, it feels like they're going to break open. It's the kind of cold that after breathing for 5 minutes, the boogers in your nose have frozen up. It's also the kind of cold that dries up skin and makes your nose bleed. However, in a WBBM CBS-2 clip on Youtube from December 1983, shows the wind chill at a jaw-dropping -75 degrees below zero. However, that number is outdated and somewhat flawed, with info on wind chills from the WGN weather blog: "From 1973 through early 2001 the National Weather Service computed wind chill based on a formula developed in the 1940s by Antarctic explorers Paul Siple and Charles Passel. Wind chill values became iconic in Chicago during the brutal winters of the late 1970s and early 1980s when they frequently dipped as low as 50 to 80 degrees below zero. However, later research concluded that these derived wind chill values were too low, and in Fall 2001 a new formula thought to be more realistic in the assessment of the effect of wind and cold on human flesh, was implemented. Using the new formula a temperature of 10 below with a 20 m.p.h. winds would produce a minus 35 wind chill compared to 53 below zero with the old formula." |
| > Monday January 19th 2009 < "Obsess much?" Man: "I don't care what anyone says, I'm having a banana!" **man eats a banana** |
| > Sunday January 18th 2009 < "It's rubbish is what it is..." Commentary. Woman on TV says she lost 30 pounds. No, you're from Wisconsin, you GAINED 30 pounds, not vise versa! The Before & After pictures are a switcheroo job. |
| > Tuesday January 20th 2009 < "Too bad, you're not as smart, as you thought you were!" Food review: Now it smells like a Slyder farted in here |
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| 01/20/09 food review. I need some oxygen in here!!!! Today for lunch I had 2 White Castle Slyders (yes, it's a y, not an i ) 3 White Castle cheeseburgers, and a regular order of fries because damn it, I was really in the mood for this after I did over 120 pages of search for a picture of a White Castle grill to see the onion shreds cooking with the non-flipped burger pattie. Edit: found it in a quick search just now. Tho apparently people only take pics of themselves eating White Castle or outside of the place. When one thought of White Castle, one always thought that it was the absolute cheapest garbage around, and you could spend pocket change and have enough "food" for a meal, and then one had an understanding that you had to deal with the aftermath of belching it for the rest of one's waking time, and then deal with it on a rectum level and all the vulgar functions that goes with it. One has to have an understanding of that. Well blow me down, it's been a while since I've been to White Castle, especially on a local level. The days of pigging out on White Castle are gone. I don't remember how much White Castle was when I was a kid, but when I started becoming a paying customer, it was .47 cents for the longest time. Over the years, it slowly went up a few cents. Now it's a whopping .61 cents for a Slyder, .78 cents for a cheeseburger! I could carve at least 2 Slyders out of a Wendy's double stack with cheese for .99 cents, and there'd be twice the meat. Now the fries are different. They always had been the standard wavy fry, crispy on the outside, soft in the middle. Now, they're shrunk the girth of these things to a standard No. 2 pencil. They also want $1.39 for a regular fry now. With tax, this brings it to a grand total of $5.35. This the second most I've ever spent on White Castle, and this is eerily close to my record Slyder adventure, which was 13 of them totaling $6.11 before tax. Those not familiar with a Slyder, it's basically a universal term (e.g. "slider") for a mini burger. These things measure still 2 1/2" by 2 1/2" squares, the meat is 1/8" thick, is cooked on a metal sheet in onion shreds the size of fingernail clippings & heated by natural gas, pattie has 5 holes to speed up cooking time and the burgers are never flipped. They come on a freshly baked soft bun, airy on top with no seasoning, and a bottom greasy-soaked heavy square bun. The natural flaw of the Slyder, is its size cannot be shrunk. It just cannot - only its price can go up. And one is not going to fill up on just one, one needs to eat at least 3 of them, along with something else. White Castle also offers even more expensive versions of its Slyder, with more patties, more cheese, bacon, different cheeses, fish and a chicken one that incredibly was actually $2.30 for a small piece of chicken, some kind of white cheese and a dab of marinara sauce, offering to be the world's smallest and most expensive chicken sandwich, all on a standard 2 1/2" x 2 1/2" bun. The term "coupon" is unheard of for White Castle, any "sack" of Slyders does not come in a discount Slyder by volume price, no matter the size including the 30-Slyder Crave Case, and only last year did did they ever actually have a "sale", which was any cheeseburger, Jalapeno cheeseburger or cheeseburger with bacon for .71 cents. I doubt we'll ever see that again either. I probably won't have White Castle again. I also found this pic last night from an Ohio historical website. Love this pic! How I miss the 1970s. |
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| "Hey hon I need some smokes, go down to the White Castle."
"You want any Slyders to go with that?" "No just the smokes." "Are you sure? It's right there... just as cheap." "Nope gimme the smokes." "Okay. I got a quarter that needs breaking anyway." |
| > Friday January 23rd 2009 < "You're so fat, Rachael Ray." Somewhere in a recording studio in 1995: **synthesizer starts playing to a pulsing rhythm** Ozzy Osbourne: "My Pleomele needs watering, the gutters are cluttered All of my hedges need some trimmmmmmming My push mower needs gas, my lawn glass globe has been shattered, And my sour cream is past date, and I need some ranch dressinnnnnng My doorknob is shaky, I'm low on Benzine, My kneecaps are aching, my floor needs waxing... (chorus) **nasually** "Baaaaaaaaackkkkkkkkk on Earrrrrrrrth...." Producer Michael Beinhorn: "How in the FUCK does this guy stay popular?!?!?!!" |
| > Thursday January 22nd 2009 < "Driven To Pears" Husband in restaurant: "Oh, it looks like it's time for us to order our meal. Here wife, take this rubber hose & tie up, and I'll shoot you up." Wife: "Stop drugging me!!!" Voice-over announcer: " 'The Drugging Husband', Tuesdays this Winter on ABC!" |
| > Wednesday January 21st 2009 < "Sore Losers Inc." Few people know that the original title to Beatles song "Dig a Pony" was "All I Want Is Juice". |
| > Saturday January 24th 2009 < "He licked 'em, as fast as he could shit 'em" So I have decided that February is going to be a month of a theme. This theme will be placed in the completely random quote that sits atop of every single blog entry, with its completely unfocused lack of direction or usefulness. (blogs are supposed to have titles, right? Like, "entry #2734" or "Entry No. 24-11 of 4"). One thing that always bothered me, was about the show "Leave It To Beaver" sounded like an unfinished sentence, probably due to some 1950s ban on naming shows with more than 4 words. So the Untitled Daily Column Blog is going to look into this, trying to figure out what it really means. Probably some situation of a nature. And every episode would leave Beaver crying in the end, muttering "I didn't MEAN to do it!!" and breaks out in a hysterical meltdown. |
| > Sunday January 25th 2009 < "Phuckhead." The other day the Pittsburgh Pirates & Texas Rangers unveiled new uniforms for 2009. Yet again neglecting both primary logos need work; the Pirates being a trendy 1997 goatee sporting pirate & a 2004 Rangers logo that reeks of the old 1992-2004 Montreal Expos logo. The following includes some pics and critique. Starting with the Pirates. What they did: |
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| First they removed the sleeveless home jersey, which I thought was one of the best home jerseys in baseball, and replaced it with a jersey with sleeves and Old Athletic Gold / black / Old Athletic Gold collar & sleeve striping. The new alternate jersey is black (as opposed to a red vest from last year) with the cap logo trimmed in black & white, paired with a cap of the same graphics. From a distance, you can't even tell it's outlined, and the collar & sleeve trim - added to the home, road & alternate but not the sleeveless pinstriped home alternates (blech). Plus that piping looks very muddy from a distance. Creatively, this whole thing reeks of trying to sell more gear, gets an F. The need for change: none. What they had was fine, minus the red vest. The smallest comfort is the trendy pirate is being phased out, and is "alternate status" while the black and Old Athletic Gold P is indeed the primary logo. I wish they would have added an Old Athletic Gold cap or even jersey, but that wasn't going to happen. Overall, they still look like the Pirates, even tho it's minor tweaking: Grade C. |
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| The Texas Rangers. Boy, what a club with identity issues. They had a lot of uni changes in their 37 seasons. And now they've done what hasn't been done since the 1986 Oakland A's: wearing the city name on the home jersey. The Rangers have 4 jerseys now, can you guess where they play? So exhausted with the parade of futility that is the "Rangers' moniker, they've decided to stop advertising it, and say, "This is Texas baseball!" What's so shitty about this, is they kept the shitty ass black dropshadow, which is completely pointless on the roads and slapped it on a white jersey. Next, they changed the NOB font & numbers, and going with the rest of the Texas script. While I like that part, I don't like that the numbers & NOB both have black dropshadow! That jersey is going to weigh a ton from all those layers of tackle twill. Also they've added a red jersey and brought back the red cap, which I do not like at all, and then it gets even worse: they copied the Mets awful metallic batting helmets! Ohhhhhh, blue and red sparkles! Like it's a shitty-ass late 1990s tennis racquet! The Rangers did it to be modern and say "whatever Texas jersey, we're ready for it! Texas baseball!" Overall, I give this a Grade D- because they really do look like shit, and they piss me off. |
| > Tuesday January 27th 2009 < "shit fuck ass piss shit fuck ass piss" Well it's another day closer to Theme February on the Untitled Daily Column Project. So how like Frasier Crane, who detested "radio theme shows" to the very bone, willing to fight to the death & risk his job and cushy salary over his integrity and merits because he didn't want to cheapen his show to be some kind of gimmick. Which of course in the end, he would not only relent, but embrace them as a whom hearted wonderful crutch when he became too uninterested in his radio show, and the bozos that were dealt with on a daily basis. Which in turn, led him to pursue other interests, i.e. 'anything but this'. I am also reminded that I never did end up posting, let alone writing that "very special entry". No, it's not some entry written by a retard or somebody with cerebral palsy. Quite honestly, the idea I have sounds like a lot of work and hell, it might not be worth it. But eh, it makes for good legend material if the Untitled Daily Column Project ever ends up with a Wikipedia page. |
| > Monday January 26th 2009 < "Jailbait Jane to the rescue!" In today's snapshot of baseball, there are still over 90 Scott Boras client free agents still left unsigned in the market, including Manny Ramirez, who wants an incredible 4-year, at least $25 million a season. Manny's good, but he's not THAT good. Nor is his bizarre behavior a good thing for the clubhouse. From what I've read, White Sox fans would not want him, especially with so many holes in the team as it is, and there's no place to play him, due to Kenny's pisspoor management, he totally fooled Reinsdorf into believe that "this was a team built to make a run at multiple championships" when it was clear it wasn't. Now we're stuck eating huge contracts on old and slow players, and Manny is exactly that. Whether or not collision is going on with the owners, it's clear teams not named the Yankees are not spending the big money, tho nobody knows for sure if teams actually have money or not. It's gotten to the point that even a $5 million salary is considered "high risk", and teams are now avoiding Type A free agents when they can help it, because they no longer not care about losing that 1st round draft pick, since it's now the preferred way to build a team, cheaply through the draft. It should had been that in the first place, but now thanks to unbridled spending, free agency has turned into a total bust. And that is what MLB is in 2009. |
| > Thursday January 29th 2009 < "Smoke your dope, and dope your smoke, and here I am." This entry will be dedicated to episode 1 of Season 5 of "Hell's Kitchen" |
| > Wednesday January 28th 2009 < "Here in the blog business, 'if you put that on the internet, people will read it!'" Laura shouting in kitchen: "C'mon Robbbbbbbb, time for work!" Rob walks into the kitchen: "What, time to get drunk and smoke cigarettes all day at the office??!" Laura: "Yup!" Rob: "God how I love the 1950s!" **packs up and leaves for work** |
| > Saturday January 31st 2009 < "Charles in charge of our dames and knights." Man walks outside: "What happened to my car??!!" Voice-over on television: "Next time, on 'Message Recieved' !" |
| > Friday January 30th 2009 < "Patterson-san you have broken that lamp for the last time!!!!" Woman walks into trashed kitchen: "OH MY GOD!" Voice-over on television: "Next time, on 'Message Recieved' !" |
| > Sunday February 1st 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Get The School To Lose All Of Its Federal Funding" Beaver's town Mayor angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver!!! Way to ruin a good thing!" **walks away** Beaver: "I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- Man walks into office: "What did you do to my desk??!" Voice-over on television: "Next time, on 'Message Recieved' !" |
| > Monday February 9th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Own A Faith-Stealing Dog" Eddie Haskell angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver!!! Until you got that faith stealing dog of yours, I used to be a heavily devoted Catholic and I wanted to become a priest! But now I have no faith anymore in Christ our Lord. But now I feel nothing, I feel numb and emptiness. I have lost my purpose in life, so I'm going to resort to a petty life of bullying and being a smartass! Thanks, Beaver!! **pulls Beaver's pants down & walks away** Hahahahah!" Beaver: " I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying & now petting the dog** "It's okay, boy! I still love you, even if you are a faith stealing dog!" fad to black -o- Rock fight! |
| > Monday February 2nd 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Get A 5pm Curfew" Larry Mondello angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver!!! Way to ruin a good thing!" **punches Beaver in the arm & walks away** Beaver: "OWWWWWWWW!!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- "intelligent blog". Funny. |
| > Tuesday February 3rd 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Mandate The Invention Of Taper-Proof Food Container Lids" June Clever angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver!!! Now I'm going to break my nails and waste time trying to undo the damn things! Way to ruin a good thing!" **slaps Beaver on the ass closed-fisted & walks away** Beaver: "OWWWWWWWW!!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- Announcer on TV: "You'll find everything you need in the cabinent." Me: "oh REALLY. you REALLY think you have what I really need in that cabinent!" |
| > Wednesday February 4th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Facially Disfigure Who Was America's Next Miss USA" Ward Cleaver angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver!!! She was going to put this town on the map & I was going to have a new pin-up in the garage to lust after! Way to ruin a good thing!" **slaps Beaver on the ass closed-fisted repeatedly & walks away** Beaver: "OWWWWWWWW!!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- Hey Cheerios, is "not eating" another way to lower my cholesterol? |
| > Thursday February 5th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Force The Establishment Of The FCC" Miss Canfield angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver!!! How could you say those things in the nationally televised talent show like that!! You're not supposed to put your hand in that naughty place!! You are a very filthy and disgusting child! Way to ruin a good thing!" **slaps Beaver on the wrist with a yard stick & walks away** Beaver: "OWWWWWWWW!!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- This entry will be eventually dedicated to Hell's Kitchen, season 5, day 2. |
| > Friday February 6th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Get Toys, Ballons & Parties Banned" Gilbert Bates angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver!!! What's wrong with you?!! How could you do that??! The problem is you don't spend anytime using your god damn head to THINK! You don't THINK! You just DO things and shit happens! Thanks for nothin', "pal"! Fuck off, clown! Way to ruin a good thing!" **kicks Beaver on the shin & walks away** Beaver: "OWWWWWWWW!!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- Cashier to customer: "Please do not hold up my liquor store, Sir. I would be ever grateful." **another customer walks in** Cashier to customer: "Please do not hold up my liquor store, Sir. I would be ever grateful." **another customer walks in** Cashier to customer: "Please do not hold up my liquor store, Sir. I would be ever grateful." **another customer walks in** Cashier to customer: "Please do not hold up my liquor st....." |
| > Saturday February 7th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Have The Belt Break Apart During A Beating" Ward Cleaver angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver!!! Damn your flawed genentics and mutated features! This belt was in the Cleaver family for generations! It had discipline memories that could write the greatest novel ever written, and now YOU'VE RUINED IT!!! Way to ruin a good thing!" **throws the broken belt at Beaver & walks away** Beaver: "DADDDDDDDDD!!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- TV announcer voice-over: "Next, on 'Roseanne' : A Very Special Episode: Becky Conner Goes Into A Guy's Van. Next on ABC!" |
| > Sunday February 8th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Get Opium Pills Banned" Dr. Bradley angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver!!! You just made my job a LOT harder to do! I already have way too much stress in my life!! You think it's easy to practice medicine with the limited technology we have today?!!? Way to ruin a good thing!" **stabs a big needle into Beaver's arm & walks away** Beaver: "OWWWWWWWW!!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- You're like Rachael Ray without all the fat. Bad. |
| > Tuesday February 10th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Make Mullets Fashionable" Judy Hensler angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver!!! You stupid idiot! Where in the hell did you pull a junk idea like that out of your ass where guys have short spiked hair on top and long hair in the back! How could you come to school with that kind of hardo?!! And now every guy in town wears their hair like that!! I don't want to date any boy who looks like that! It's ugly! It's hideous!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" **kicks Beaver in the crotch & walks away** Beaver: "OWWWWWW!!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- You mean the blog you use to scratch your ass? |
| > Wednesday February 11th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Cast The Final Vote To Make The Official Language Portuguese" Whitey Whitney angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver!!! You are really a stupid poophead!! Why in the hell did you have to go sign that petition from that screwball who came to your front door! You have any idea how hard it was for me to learn the English language, and now we have to go learn a new language?!?! Just because somebody has a petition doesn't me you automatically have to sign it!!! Learn how to form an opinion!!!" **elbows Beaver in the gut & walks away** Beaver: "OWWWWWW!!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- |
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| SONIC!!!!
Don't tell about it to the Stoners! But there's a new Sonic in town! Today me and Timothy Bohus tried Sonic restaurant for lunch today. The first thing we learned that this is a drive-in place with no tables inside. Either you go through the drive thru, or you park at a roofed parking spot with big menus on the posts, and there's a numeric keyboard, a plastic payment card slot, an intercom system & a button to push to order. This was all very over-whelming since we were completely out of our element. Finally, it was decided to try the very basic burger & order some tator tots. Supersonic Burger, $4.29. 4" wide, over an inch thick the burger was and it was pretty heavy, two freshly 1/4" thick cooked patties with American cheese, ketchup, mustard, mayo, pickles, onions and lettuce and tomatoes. The meat was so juicy and so delicate it fell apart and melted in your mouth. It was as soft as cotton. I've never tasted a burger like that before! It even stayed hot and juicy right down to the last bite, and buns, thicker than most, actually held everything together right to the end. It made Steak n' Shake burgers look and taste like total shit in comparison! And this was a lot better value than that shit, too. As we drove out of the parking lot, there were multiple trash cans, and to mimic this (top one listed) http://snltranscripts.jt.org/93/93j.phtml (it was a sketch where Kevin Nealon played as Mayor Rudy Giuliani, Chris Farley as a young and obnoxious Andrew Giuliani, and they're at Yankee Stadium, and Andrew just won't shut up. He keeps saying "I love you nachos! I love you Wade Boggs!" and he gets yelled at, falls out of his seat, starts crying repeatedly only to be shut up with more food), I said "We love YOU, Sonic!!!!" Even the tator tots were hot, crispy on the outside and soft in the middle. On the ride home I considered breaking into the local high school to tell the kids about Sonic. "Ok everybody, this will only take a minute! Assemble! You kids get assembled! I gotta tell you about Sonic!! Everybody pack into somebody's car, we're going to Sonic!" tho I have a feeling security would not appreciate me breaking into a public school in the middle of the day. SONIC!!!! |
| > Friday February 13th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Implement Gun Purchase Background Checks" An unidentified stranger angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver!!! Your stupid Social Studies paper on guns made it to the Editor's Letter Page in the town's newspaper, and now everyone in town thinks we should have gun background checks & voted it into law! When I was angry, I wanted to go to the gun shop and get a bigger gun RIGHT NOW while I was still good and angry!! But thanks to your stupid paper, I now have to wait 5 days and let a bunch of jerks get to decide if I'm mentally fit to get more guns!! You just made my life a whole more angry and full of bureaucratic bullshit!!!" **points crummy old rifle at Beaver & decides it's not worth it & storms off** Beaver scared by the whole incident: "Whaaaaah! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- Janet was a cookie WHORE. |
| > Thursday February 12th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Not Have The Mail Delivered On Sunday" Old man mail carrier McGregor angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver!!! Why's you have to go and do a stupid suggestion at the town hall meeting to help the budget! I's NEED this fuckin' job to survive, Beaver!!! I live paycheck to paycheck, I map out ev'ry last nickel and cent, and now that I's not workin' Sundays, it means I's get a smaller paycheck, and now I's goin' to have to move an' leave town because I can't afford to lives here no more! Thank's a fuckin' LOT, kid!" **kicks Beaver in the ass & storms off** Beaver: "OWWWWWW!!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- Family at dinner table eating. Husband: "Very unremarkable dinner, honey!" Wife confused: "It.... it's Culinary Circle. I didn't get the credit like I was promised in the commercial." Husband: "Now the commercial certainly made a monkey out of you, didn't it?" Wife still confused: "I... .I don't know.... " Husband: "Yes it DID!!!!" |
| > Saturday February 14th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Get All School Sports Functions Permanently Banned" Wally angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver!!! Because of you and your needledicking about in gym class, where you broke your leg when you fell down running & our family lawyer ended up suing the school to pay for your stupid medical bills & the school district had to make cuts in the budget and now our schools don't have any sports teams or gym class!! I was counting on getting a football scholarship so I wouldn't have to bother being a literate or waste time studying stuff an' learning junk!!!! Way to ruin a good thing, Beav!!!!" **begins beating up Beaver for a brief period & runs away pissed off** Beaver: "No Wally, no Wally!!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- Back in 1973, Johnny in a bind: "DAMN IT!!! I worked at White Castle for 86 hours and I STILL only got $12 dollars!!! I'm NEVER going to able to go to the school prom!" |
| > Sunday February 15th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Poison The Town's Water Supply" Aunt Martha Bronson angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver!!! Because of you and your constant lead paint dumping, you have ruined the town's water supply! Now we all have to pay to get water delivered to us and drive to other towns to bathe ourselves! You should be locked in an asylum or put in a prep school with some very angry nuns! You are an awful, awful child and you made everybody's life a whole lot worse! Shame on you!" **spits on Beaver & storms off** Beaver: "EWWWW!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- Rachael Ray bobs for bacon. |
| > Wednesday February 18th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Get All Restaurants Converted Into Take-Out Only Establishments" June Cleaver, sitting on the edge of Beaver's bed with a tray with a bowl of hot soup, angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver! I KNEW we should have never taken you to that restaurant! That's when you had Snekapukarria, that rare sickness where you puke, sneeze and shit out diarrhea all at the same time! You kept whining and whining and whining "but it's my birthday, but it's my birthday!" to go with us instead of you staying home sick in bed, and I SHOULD have listened to my motherly intuition, but nooooooo. I should have NEVER let your father talk me into it, especially after he killed that second bottle of Scotch! And then all the absolute RUIN you did to that restaurant! That was my favorite restaurant! Oh that poor dessert tray girl who was just trying to do her job (may she rest in peace) and that poor Irishman whom you crippled when he slipped on your spilled body fluids. He was just trying to get through college! Oh what a horrible disaster and ordeal it was. I hope that poor restaurant owner's insurance covers fire & water damage. And now we'll never be able to have a nice dinner out again. THAT WAS MY FAVORITE RESTARANT!! OHHHHHHHH!!!!" **flips tray over with soup which lands right on Beaver and his bed, burning him & storms off** Beaver: "OWWWWWW!!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- 2nd grade teacher: "Ok, now tell us about the story you just read out loud to the class" Young Dolph Rudager in the 2nd grade: "What? I can't, I wasn't paying attention. " 2nd grade teacher: "Poor comprehension - not Presidential material." Young Dolph Rudager in the 2nd grade: "Man, I really want to do Julie." |
| > Monday February 16th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Let A Neighbor Rise To A Foreign National Dictator By Not Reporting What He Saw In The Neighbor's Home" The-then President of the United States of America angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Theodore Cleaver! Because of you and your laziness, incompetence, your failure to act in support of your country homeland, your complete lack of good judgement, morals, sake of anything good and normal, you have now unfortunately put the U.S.of A into an expensive, national resource-depleting mode which we will now have to fight a lengthy, long drawn-out and catastrophic nuclear war that will rob generations of a life in peacetime and the people forced to serve their country & lose the best years of their lives. You are truly the worst thing to have every happened to this country. I would have you executed but unfortunately our constitution projects your rights, even if you are the biggest fuck-up who ever existed. Thank you for nothing!" **flips Beaver the middle finger & returns to engine-running vehicle & drives off** Beaver: "But Mr. President, I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- If there was a softball game between the Anorexics and the Bulimics, who would win that game? |
| > Tuesday February 17th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Put Us In A Recession" Fred Rutherford angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver! Because of you and your ways pissed off all the bartenders & street vendors, the cops ended up discovering all the illegal gun, drug, moonshine and prostitute institutions that were the backbone of our town's economy! Now we can't live our lives anymore, and there's nothing to spend our money on! Way to ruin a good thing!!!!" **punches Beaver in the face & walks off** Beaver: "OWWWWWW!!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- Paul McCartney: "I'll never forget one of me favorite songs, which originally entitled, 'Got To Get The Dope Into My Life'. Yeah back in the mid '60s, we came up with slang or code for all sorts of words for our songs. One of them was "love", which was for 'drugs' or 'dope'. Yup." |
| > Thursday February 19th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Use An Airline Butter Knife As A Weapon" June Cleaver angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver! You know I don't know what to think of your mental stability these days anymore! You keep causing all kinds of trouble! Getting into situations where dire things happen. And they just keep snowballing and growing in biblical proportions on a daily basis! It seems we can't take you anywhere anymore! Not even to fly on a plane! Sometimes I really wonder if the wheels are off in your head! You grab a butter knife, hold it against your forehead and start running on the airplane, up and down the aisle and start screaming, "Rhino the wino! Rhino the wino!" while poking people with your butter knife like you're headbutting people with the rhino's horn! It's inexplicably preposterous! Where do you GET these ideas, Beaver?? I worry myself to an ULCER every single day thinking the cops are gonna shoot my Beaver dead for something!!! Now the whole airline industry has to closely inspect our luggage and monitor our every step of behavior on the plane! It's just a lot more unpleasant now, Beaver!!!!!" **shoves a bar of soap into Beaver's mouth and really crams it in there for a good 20 seconds & storms off** Beaver: **spit spit cough spit spit!** "I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- This entry will be dedicated to season 5, episode 3 of Hell's Kitchen. Here's a preview of the review. Chef Ramsay: "Charlie! Your towel is on fire!" Charlie: "Wha?" (cooking) Chef Ramsay: "Your TOWEL is on FIRE!" Charlie: "Hmmm?" (still cooking) Chef Ramsay: "The towel is on fire! It's burning! Don't you notice it??" Charlie: (nothing) Chef Ramsay: "Oh my fucking god, he's gonna burn the place down." Charlie: (nothing) **somebody walks by and puts the towel away** Charlie 20 minutes later: "Where's my towel?" Things don't look good for Charlie! |
| > Friday February 20th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Plant The Idea Of A Strike To A Union" Chuckie Murdock angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver! You fucking asshole! Leave it to a no-nut, two-bit jive-prick like you to suggest a strike to the incompetent & surly Rubber Bands & Paper Twist 'Ems union! Now all the other unions got the same fuckin' harebrained scheme, and now they're all on strike! All the sports leagues, all the news media, all the radio & television actors and writers, as well as every single trucker, public transportation driver, supermarket & Dime Store employee all across the nation! You REALLY fucking did it this time, Beaver!! We can't get any food or do anything or go anywhere! All because of YOUR SHITTIN' suggestion! You don't THINK of the consequences of your actions!! GRRRRRRRR!!" **swings a baseball bat at Beaver's face, connects & storms off** Beaver bent over: "OWWWWWW!!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- Where is Bob Rooney? |
| > Monday February 23rd 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Change the National Flag & Motto" Harry Henderson angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver! You dumb fuck! Why did you have to sign that petition from that screwball who came to your front door again! No longer is our flag design Stars & Stripes, but now it's a big-ass ugly angry circus clown face on a white field with red polka dots!!! Why didn't you THINK when the petition also wanted us to change our motto to "Make Me Laugh, Clown! C'mon, Clown, Make Me Laugh!" ! You have any idea how asinine that is??! It's a fucking embarrassment! It's fucking ponderous man, fucking PONDEROUS. How does that reflect of us as a nation?? I hate that fuckin' clown, he SCARES me! I'm going to have nightmares and I'm eventually going to get committed to a mental institution! I just can't believe people like you are allowed to think and be! You loser!" **shoves Beaver to the ground & repeated kicks him all over for a good 10 to 15 minutes, then walks home.** Beaver rolling over writhing in pain: "OWWW!!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- Cop father stoned! |
| > Saturday February 21st 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Have All Music Banned Due To It Containing Satanic Messages While Being Played Backwards" Mary Ellen Rogers angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver! You stupid misguided misinformed idiot! Because of your stupid suggestion, they came and took away all my records, and smahed them into a million pieces!! What's wrong with you?!! Why are you trying to ruin our good time?!?! We have so little left!! All you hear is Satan talking, when everyone else hears just plain gibberish! A pox on your, Beaver! A pox on you!" **slaps Beaver in the face & storms off** Beaver: "OW!!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- Somebody found the blog by typing in "bob field porn collection". I have no idea what that means, but it turns out the entry that prompted that find was a Berenstain Bears story I wrote for August 12th, 2005 entry, whom Brother Bear declares... "Anyways, I'm too busy to bother paying attention to them right now. So if you could clean out the tank, put some new rocks & plants in there along with a bigger and more expensive filter, that'd be great. Anyways, I'm off to run in Farmer Bob's field and step on all the plants & chuck the vegetables! Bye!" **runs out the door** The word "porn" was typed twice that month, and the word "collection" was typed out once. I had forgotten how big of Communists Mama & Papa were. Man they didn't like pets or Ronald Reagan. |
| > Sunday February 22nd 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Revive An Ancient Hex On The Country's Crops" Benjie Bellamy angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver! That was the lamest book report I have ever heard in my life!! First you pick a book out of the library that's hundreds of years old that was written by witches and gypsies, then do a book report on it, and you pick the ONE VERSE in the book that refers to putting hexes on agriculture to recite as an example in the report, and now thanks to you, the whole country's crop soil has turned barren!! What are we gonna eat, Beaver??! There's no food left! What are we gonna eat? Poisoned tainted dirt pies?? You make me sick you little weirdo!!" **punches Beaver in the stomach and runs off** Beaver: "OW!!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- Sir Chesterson: "And THAT, gentlemen, is what I think we should do with the Appropriation Act!" Reginald Surcomingly raises brow: "You know I think we should start checking what you're putting in your pipe, Sir Chesterson." |
| > Wednesday February 25th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Get His Brother Killed" Ward Cleaver angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver! Because of you, Wally's dead!" Beaver: "Dad, I wasn't supposed to standing there, was I?" Ward: "No, Beaver." Beaver: "And I probably shouldn't walk on the railing of the Tiger pit at the Zoo, should I?" Ward: "No, Beaver!" Beaver: "Is it kinda my fault that Wally is dead?" Ward: "Yes it is! It's completely your fault, Beaver! That's why we tell you not to do things!" Beaver: "I'm sure we'll have lots of more fun at the Zoo next week when I'm walking on the Tiger pit railing again. Everything will be just as fine again." Ward: **eyes grow wide** **proceedes to take off belt and begins beating Beaver with it** Beaver curled up in a ball: "OWWW!!! No daddy, no daddy! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- Hey man, don't be bringing an electric guitar to a Folk Festival; it ain't proper. |
| > Tuesday February 24th 2009 < "Leave It To Beaver To Have The 1st Amendment Revoked" Uncle Billy angrily: "Thanks a LOT, Beaver! We are all VERY angry at you, Beaver! The 1st Amendment is a VERY important piece of our constitution, and because of you, it's now gone and lost forever! Nobody will be able to be allowed to express themselves politically, artistically or casually anymore because now a Big Brother police state has gone into effect, and now the cops will be coming after my ass just for yelling at you!" **police siren goes off & police car comes screaming around the corner. Cops jump out and attempt to arrest Uncle Billy** "oh SHIT. Beaver, you good-for-nothing little runt!! **grabs a policeman's baton and starts beating up Beaver with it momentarily before the cops take it from him & put him in the squad car** Beaver on his ass in pain: "OWWW!!! OWWWW!! I didn't MEAN to do it!" **starts crying** fad to black -o- Left handed, right minded. |