| got comments? questions? problems? complaints? Air it out here! |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| Untitled Daily Column Project |
| =||= Sunday August 1st, 2004 =||= Pee in the sand like a man can Here it is. A brand new month. And it's the same old shit. I'm still completely pissed off and stressed out. I don't think I need to explain why. Let's see.....what did I do today.... let's see....nothing. Oh yeah, I did read an article about the Bears old QB Jim McMahon who lead us to Super Bowl XX way back in January of 1986, the same stupid idiot who had spiked hair and a mullet and was forced to wear sunglasses all the time 'cause he shoved a fork in his eye as a child. No shit. Anyways, he was on a golf course playing (and not drinking beer because shortly after he filmed a TV commercial for "Don't Drink and Drive" he got caught with a DUI and is now on probation) was talking about this guy who was in the war who got his leg blown off in an ambush, but continued to fire because it was a firefight and he killed 3 more of them. So naturally McMahon was impressed by this, and decided to reward the recently returned soldier by making him his caddie. He made the war-hero cripple his fucking caddie!! I don't know everything about golf, but I'm pretty sure most caddies, if not all, aren't crippled people. Being a caddie is the equivalent of "slave" in golf. "Yeah, caddie, hop on over here and help me read this green. Is the putt going to break to the left? Better hop on down and check." |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
| =||= Monday August 2nd 2004 =||= I hoard. No Games Scheduled. Ah the Olympics. What's the deal with the torch? It's probably the biggest over-blown sham there is in the Olympics, next to all the steroid-drug enhanced "pure" athletes competing. So is the torch go from Greece to around the world to the Olympic site? And how many times has that flame gone out from start to finish? Probably a lot. I really don't have much else to say about the Olympics because well, I've never really watched it or cared about it. Tho I've noticed that these poker fanatics are trying to get Poker as an Olympic sport. If you're going to do that, you might as well make hot dog eating an Olympic sport, or belching, or farting or beer drinking or White Castle hamburger eating. Hmm.. on TV a woman films her beat-up dented rust-bucket, spray-painted trash bag-windowed car to a repair shop in hopes of getting a free make-over. She is chosen and the mechanics are going to surprise her later with a complete restoration. Fast forward to the future, and the car is completely restored....somewhat similar and strikingly identical like a new '05 Corolla. The woman is of course over-joyed and eyes the car and jumps in. "Wow! Brand new interior! I have a CD player now! Wow!" The woman starts the car and speeds out of the shop going at least 45 mph and promptly crashes the car within 5 seconds on getting back on the road. Classic. And here's a tip for all you TV watchers out there. When the commercials come on, hit the mute button. Way to stick it to all the advertisers trying to shove their annoying shit down our throats. Of course, you'll become ignorant to new movies, new products..sales....what's going to be on later..... But at least you won't have to hear those loud annoying commercials. You ever notice commercials are a ton louder than everything else? And I don't appreciate seeing the same commercial 8 times within a two hour span. Yeah, you want to further fatten up America with your greasy fatty cheap pizza. We get it. |
| =||= Sunday August 8th 2004 =||= Don't blame the dildos!!! Editor: "Great job on another well-done month's worth of columns, Rudager." Rudager: "Give me my fucking money now." Starting from last Monday's column, there will be no more baseball scoreboard, due to the fact that the baseball season is pretty much over; at least to me it is. So there's no point to it. Tonight I pretty much wasted it farting around with a Trillian skin by opening the files and changing the colors. Suffice to say, everything looked a lot better except I couldn't change the Buddy List background color, which is this awful dark metallic blue-gray color. What a waste of time that was. I really don't get the deal with cell phones and cell phone plans. But mostly cell phones in general. I've seen these commercials where the cell phone user couldn't call because their signal was too weak or the batteries were low or something. Um, like, aren't there still land-phone lines still around? Or couldn't you just ask a friend or stranger to borrow their cell phone or at least use a pay phone?? And why would anyone want a cell phone? Isn't part of the fun of going out that no one can bother you and they'll all just have to wait and chew on the shit until you get back home? And when you get back, you can ultimately chose whether or not to return the call. I'm not sure living in a wireless age is all that great. You're constantly worried about the calling plan, recharging the battery, upgrading the phone, "anytime minutes" haha jesus christ, what the hell is that?? Last time I checked, you could use a land-line phone 24/7. |
| =||= Saturday August 7th 2004 =||= Punch Out Violence '04 Nothing much to say today, other than I worked, painted, ate another Wendy's burger (this time the 1/4 pound doublestack with cheese, only with the cheese and onions. Much better without the pickles, ketchup or mustard) and spent an hour working on this red punching glove icon for MSN messenger. I pretty much perfected the idea I had and was pleased with the results. I watched this movie "The Replacements" on NBC tonight. How in the hell I actually watched something for 2 straight hours, I don't know. I read some comments somewhere about this movie, and it was mostly "Major League the football version" or "Necessary Roughness" rip-off. The movie was this fictional pro-football team's players went on strike and they hire all these "colorful" personalities and they somehow win a few games. Of course, they don't get to finish the season, so we won't ever know what ended up happening. The parts I liked were the teammates getting into fights with their own players, tackling their own players, putting glue on their (cheating) hands to catch the ball, trashing a bar, getting into fights with the regular players they were replacing, the typical asshole owner trying to screw his own team over to save the most money possible. Other than that, it's your typical blah blah blah unknown loser finds a new thing to do, finds some obvious romance, way too much rock / trendy music that we've all heard 1 million times, sprinkle in a dash of short, typical drama, followed by re-used old footage in the movie and there you have it. I can only guess how many dozens of millions of dollars this movie made in 2000. Of course, John Madden was in this movie, but all i have to say to that is......**shouts** "what??" |
| =||= Friday August 6th 2004 =||= Boy Meets Prostate I took today off so I could finally rest my sore body from work & tennis. The end. |
| =||= Thursday August 5th 2004 =||= The bugs are biting my crotch. Today was the longly awaited (a whole 42 hours) revival of eating the Wendy's limited time offer Bacon Mushroom Melt which I haven't had for a year or two. And what is on this burger? A quarter pound of square meat, american cheese, 3 strips of bacon, mushrooms sitting in a cheddar cheese sauce. And it seems (I think) they lowered the price to $2.99 from like $3.29. An of course, very heart-attack inducing fattening burger. I remember loving this burger over the years (seems to only come out late in the summer for a month) but I don't remember it being so salty. And unlike the commercial, which shows cheese sauce being poured on to the mushrooms, the mushrooms are in a stew with the cheddar sauce all the time, so the mushrooms take over the flavor. Another case of things not quite being the same as I remember. |
| =||= Wednesday August 4th 2004 =||= Bob Seger:"Katmandu! oh yeah! oooh! I need more drugs!!" |
| =||= Tuessday August 3rd 2004 =||= *burp* Today I don't feel like writing anything so you get nothing. |
| You know, with like some 60 games left, and your hitting lineup is operating without its two best hitters and is resulting a team operating at 40% capacity, it's time to pack it in. You're 6 games out, the season is over. It's done. So why not just save yourself the trouble and just forfeit the rest of the season? Sure it might piss some fans off, but I'm pretty sure the teams can easily just refund it towards any game next season. There's no point risking the wear and tear of your cleats and mitts, or risking injury, so pack it in and let's get ready for next season. There's nothing worse than suffering a year-long injury so late in the season in a meaningless game. Speaking of the opposite, nothing like making your football team go full-assed in Training Camp when the regular season is still 7 weeks away. Yeah, don't go easy on your players, it's the exhibition season for christ's sake! Coach: "Alright, team! This is Football training camp! It's show time! I want to see more head-to-head hits, more running, more squatting, and more ....good football playing!" Football player # 54: "Owwwww!!! I pulled my hamstring! I can't walk!!" Coach: "Take a salt tablet." Football player # 23: "I aggravated a disc in my neck! I'm gonna need surgery!" Coach: "Walk it off! Hey # 83, get up and stop hogging all the water and get back to your wind sprints, Butterball!" Football player # 18: "Ow!! My knee! My knee! I broke a knee! I broke my mother fucking knee!!" Coach: "Where's the trainer? Pump the cortisone injection right into the kneecap. Drill the bone if you have to." **12 hours later** Coach: "12 hamstring pulls! 3 ruptured hernias!! Broken fingers, broken wrists, broken legs! 23 concussions! Ripped knee tendons! DUI's! You call yourselves "show time ready" ??? Kick-off is 63 days away!! Alright, tomorrow we practice at 4am with helmets this time. ..... ....**players walking away into the dusk** Football Player # 65: "Coach is a god damn fucking idiot, he is." Football Player # 27: "Gonna tip off our plays to the opponents." Football Player # 13: "I make 8 times what he makes, he'll get his dumb cocksucking pirating ass fired before I'm let go." Football Player # 80: "I'm just gonna drop the fucking ball." |
| =||= Friday August 13th 2004 =||= Hi. My name is Dolph and I'm a humper. Well this should be interesting. I've added every single song i have on to my winamp playlist and put it on shuffle. The final total came out to around 3,050 songs, but this being a progressive make-believe radio station, I've edited out all the Pink Floyd and Black Sabbath / Ozzy songs. Of course, this is a mostly classic rock station, I think I'll call it WNOG or WPFS (W- Pink Floyd Sucks) or something. This station plays "deep cuts" and not-so deep cuts.. stuff from box sets...anthologies...bootlegs.... including 16-minute long-shit like the Door's "Rock is Dead" and of course other 18 to 30 minute songs. Shit you would probably never hear on stations other than public access or college. Now who else plays songs that long? The birth of the station was sometime around 9pm on August 12th, 2004. To start the station, #2958 - The Raspberries - "Go All The Way" kicked it off. Unfortunately, the second song of the station was a mid 70s Black Sabbath song, so naturally our station engineer (me) fixed this problem so it would never happen again. Let's see how long it takes before a song gets played twice. I used to be a fan of Pink Floyd, but after listening to the Loop for roughly a year, they played the same 5 Pink Floyd songs (Money, Us and Them, Have a Cigar, Another Brick in the Wall pt. 2, Run like Hell) Nothing like playing the same shit over and over to make you hate something. There's some stations that are run as a business and demand that you only play the "top 1 or 2 cuts from an album" or basically the top 5 hits from the 'greatest hits' package. And Ozzy. How over-exposed is THIS act?? And apparently, Ozzy only recorded two songs in his career, that being "Crazy Train" and "Flying High Again", and they must be played every single day. Let's see how the music log looks like so far: 1688 - John Lee Hooker - Little Girl. 62 - Bob Dylan - Joey 1039 - Dave Matthews - Drive in Drive out 1415 - Frank Zappa - Who Are The Brain Police 207 - Monkees - Porpoise Song 2191 - R.E.M. - King of Birds 2912 - Peanuts Theme (piano and percussion only) 1144 - The Doors - Rock is dead Looks like we got some pretty good disparity here. In retrospect, this is hardly an orignal idea, but it gives me something to write about and to guess what the next song will be, just like on the radio. And most importantly, this station is about the music. There is no commercials, no gimmicks..no contests...no stupid morning shock-jock asshole, no stupid idiot at the mic talking over between the tracks. It's all about the music. And the moral of the story is... any idiot can run a radio station. |
| Ah what a cool few days it's been. I don't ever remember it ever being this cold in August! 65 for highs! 49 for lows! Overcast! Yeah!! It's wonderful. I wish every August was like this instead of the stupid 90+ heat and humidity and hot nights of 70+ degrees which is unbearable to sleep in. Sheets sticking to your legs... the bed getting hot if you stay in one spot.. and unless you can afford to run the A/C like a motherfucker, a fan no matter how fast won't do any good. And of course, the stupid fart knocker newscasters are all like... "When is the heat coming back?! We need to get back to summer and warm up!! The swimmers are complaining! **insert false and soulless laugh** " No offense to Timmy (where ever you are), (and the emotional spontanious of this moment has past days ago) but screw the god damn swimmers. If they need to fucking swim so bad, they can swim in the piss-water pools at the Y. |
| =||= Thursday August 12th 2004 =||= Peggy Hill wouldn't know her face from an asshole in the ground. |
| =||= Wednesday August 11th 2004 =||= Here comes the story of the Hurricane... Somewhere in the Midwest on a female-duo talk radio show..... W: "Oh I want to talk about the outlet store!" M: "We're already spent the past 3 hours talking about it!" W: "Yes! That was the front of the store! This is about the back of the store!" M: "oooooo!" |
| =||= Tuesday August 10th 2004 =||= Divide and conquer. randomnishness. From Yahoo: "I laughed and I cried when I found out I won," Howard said Wednesday, as she accepted a giant yellow key to her new home and answered a machine-gun volley of questions from reporters. "My blood pressure went up, and I had to go to the drug store and get a pill." -o- Bob Seger: "Katmandu! oh yeah! oooh! I need more drugs!!" -o- "Fight violence with violence!" -o- "What?? I lost again?? Oh no! oh no, no no no no damn fuck hell ass bitch!!!" -o- Ides of March - Vehicle Van Morrison - Brown Eyed Girl Peter Gabriel - Solsbury Hill Hollies - Long Cool Woman In A Black Dress The Raspberries - Go All The Way ELO - Evil Woman Yes - Roundabout |
| =||= Monday August 9th 2004 =||= Super-happy fun sharp kiddie knife! What better way (and as filler) to type out a favorite song list?! Hollow as a Keebler cracker. Favorite song by bands (all are album versions unless noted) Shoot To Thrill - AC/DC (1980) Toys in the Attic - Aerosmith (1975) School's Out - Alice Cooper (1972) Ramblin' Man - Allman Brothers Band (1973) House of the Risin' Sun - The Animals (1966) Bad Company - Bad Company (1974) Good Vibrations - Beach Boys (1966) I've Got A Feeling - The Beatles (1970) Loser - Beck (1994) My Life - Billy Joel (1978) Paranoid - Black Sabbath (1970) Don't Fear The Reaper - Blue Oster Cult (1976) Ride Captain Ride - Blues Image (1970) Moving In Stereo - The Cars (1978) Up around the Bend - Creedence Clearwater Revival (1969) White Room - Cream (1968) CSN&Y - Teach Your Children (1970) Ziggy Stardust - David Bowie (1972) Sultans of Swing - Dire Straits (1978) It Keeps You Running - Doobie Brothers (1976) Break on Through - The Doors (1967) Like A Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan (1966) Hotel California - Eagles (1976) Lucky Man - Emerson Lake and Palmer (1970) The Chain - Fleetwood Mac (1977) Cold As Ice - Foreigner (1977) We're An American Band - Grand Funk Railroad (1973) Casey Jones - Grateful Dead (1970) Crazy On You - Heart (1978) In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida - Iron Butterfly (1967) Red House - Jimi Hendrix (1967) Piece of my Heart - Janice Joplin (1969) I Put A Spell On You - Jay Hawkins (1956) Aqualung - Jethro Tull (1971) Give Me Some Truth - John Lennon (1971) Black Dog - Led Zeppelin (1971) Free Bird - Lynyrd Skynyrd (1973) Blinded By The Light - Manfred Mann (1977) Proudest Monkey - Dave Matthews Band (1996) Mississippi Queen - Mountain (1970) Swingtown - Steve Miller Band (1977) Time - Pink Floyd (1973) Roxanne - The Police (1978) Death On Two Legs - Queen (1975) Beat On The Brat - The Ramones (1976) Losing My Religion - R.E.M. (1991) Black Magic Woman - Carlos Santana (1970) Night Moves - Bob Seger (1976) Anarchy In The UK - Sex Pistols (1977) Give Me Some Loving - Spencer Davis Group (1967) Me and Julio Down by the School Yard - Paul Simon (1973) Mrs. Robinson - Simon & Garfunkel (1968) Go Back Jack (and Do It Again) - Steely Dan (1972) Magic Carpet Ride - Steppenwolf (1968) Sway - Rolling Stones (1971) Crosseyed And Painless - Talking Heads (1980) Stranglehold - Ted Nugent (1975) Caravan - Van Morrison (1971) Panama - Van Halen (1984) Heroin - The Velvet Underground (1967) Behind Blue Eyes - The Who (1971) (unreleased 2nd version on 1997 CD re-issue) Bands radio ruined for me: Ozzy Osbourne / Black Sabbath Pink Floyd |
| =||= Saturday August 14th 2004 =||= Eat some poon -o- Husband driving wife in car: Wife: "Slow down! The speed limit is 40." Husband: "That's just the suggested speed limit." -o- "Yeah, I don't use that 2nd tractor...but if I sold it, I wouldn't have two tractors anymore." -o- Music can be a lethal torture device. -o- Police Officer: "We found your DNA at the crime scene. It was a hair buried deep under 3 coats of wood varnish stain on the window pane." Me: "But I painted there over 6 years ago!" Police Officer: "Nevertheless, we're taking you in as the prime suspect." Me: "oh this is fucking BULLSHIT!!" Police Officer: "Cuff him, Les." |
| =||= Sunday August 15th 2004 =||= Now that's what I call a moonshot. -o- S: "Ok, now can anyone tell me why red colored cars are involved in the most accidents on the road?" L: "Probably because the people who drive red cars have huge ego's & who are reckless maniacs and have no regard for the rules of the road and act like the road belongs to them only?" S: "It's because it is the most commonly chosen color for a car." -o- "When you work like a man, then you can drink like a man!" -o- As promised a long time ago on here, I was going to show scenes about the 1st video game to feature a fight after a pitcher beaned a batter. It was in Nintendo's "Bases Loaded" circa 1988. The game is in the top of the 4th inning. The clean-up batter Fendy, who hit a grand slam earlier in the inning to put his team up 4-0 again arrives at the plate with the bases loaded. Shortly the pitcher gets his revenge, by hurling a 96 mph fastball right into Fendy's face. What happens next is shown on the stadium's scoreboard, so let's see what happens... |
 |
| Ouch! Man that pitcher got his ass kicked! Fendy was kickin' and punchin' an shit. That should be at least a 10 game suspension... but it won't because the technology just isn't there yet. -o- "Man if i ever stop drinking, this is going to be one massive hangover!" |
| =||= Monday August 16th 2004 =||= "you keep combing your hair so much it's gonna fall out!" Well, the first song to be repeated on WPFS was the Ramones 1980 "Do You Remember Rock n Roll Music". While listening to this station, I was in the process of making the station logo. You can't have a radio station without a logo, right??. So here it is... |
 |
| The Official WPFS logo...in all of its non-color, pixelated bare-bone glory. Even tho I am my own toughest critic.. I must admit it... blows me away. Early versions of this logo were mostly four letters, custom made from scratch, varying in colors. This idea stemmed from a very bad one, where I was going to have a giant W, with a huge S and have the P and F inside of it. then I looked at the W and thought of this crafty little idea. For color purposes, the W will be thicken per se: |
| =||= Tuesday August 17th 2004 =||= Archiving like a motherfucker. In the spirit of being retro, and the horrible announcement that baseball commissioner Bud Selig's contract was extended for 3 more horrible years inspired this baseball essay by me: No! Three More Years of Bud?! This is why I don't like Selig as a commissioner. He made the All-Star game count when it really shouldn't. It's an exhibition and it should stay that way. Home field advantage in the World Series is just such a dumb idea. Expansion was inevitable, but the last round of expansion was completely unnecessary. Tampa has poor crowds, a terrible old stadium and there's no hope for a new ballpark or moving the team. Arizona represents a problem in baseball... they bought a world series so young in the franchise history and now the team is terrible and they have been in financial trouble even since '01. It was good for them back then, but what about now? The Marlins fire-sale after the '97 world series is another example; and who knows if they'll get a new ballpark or move. The only thing I don't like about the Rockies is that it's a horrible place to pitch in with that thin air, but they deserve a team, no doubt. The tie game in the All Star game in Milwaukee was just stupid. I don't like the idea of a owner / former owner being the commissioner. You need somebody neutral who has the best interests in mind for the game, not just the owners. While the drug testing was a good idea, the actual policy is a joke. Another thing that bothers me, is the unbalanced schedule. The whole point of it was to maximize the Red Sox / Yankees, Cubs / Cardinals, Dodgers / Giants rivalries. It's almost to the point that playing your rival 19 times a year makes the games less meaningful. And what happens if you're a fan of a team that has no real rival? Suddenly you're stuck watching the Tigers, Royals, Twins and Indians 81 times a year and that gets very, very boring. You should play everybody in your league the same number of times. And while, for some reason, some fans like Interleague Play, but I don't. Play teams in the NL doesn't bring excitement to me, and I sure as hell don't like watching the White Sox play the Cubs 6 times a year. I just don't like. I don't like seeing the Pirates or Giants or Reds for 3 games right out of the blue once every 3 years. It just doesn't make any sense and it's just false excitement. The problem these days is there's too many damn teams. Back in the late 70s-early 90s, you almost had a new division winner every year. Now it's 13 years of Braves, now 7 years of Yankees. To me, 24 teams, two divisons of 6 teams and no wild card was perfect. And the idea that "attendance is up" was inflated from '93-'94 and '98-'01 because every new team gets a few grace years of good attendace. And weren't the Marlins only drawing like 10,000 fans a game when they were right in the middle of the wild card race late in the season?? Selig is a dirty rat for moving his Brewers from the A.L. to the N.L. to take advantage of having to play the Cubs 19 times a year instead of the White Sox. Why? Because obviously the Cubs have a much larger fan base and they'll easily make the trip up north 90 miles. Yeah, wild cards are all fun and games, but the real essence of a pennant race is gone. Expanding so more (like Selig was talking about earlier this year) teams can make the playoffs is just repulsive. The luxury tax is a joke and the revenue sharing needs a lot of work. How much was the Yankees payroll before Selig became commissioner? The luxury tax has done nothing to slow them down or bring any real competitive balance to the league. Plus I hear people bitching about the loopholes that the small market teams "aren't spending that money wisely or into the payroll." You're telling me there's no way to assure that tax money is being properly spent by the team(s)? Baseball needs somebody like Bob Costas as commissioner. Not some sleaze bag ex-car dealer former team owner scum. END |
| =||= Wednesday August 18th 2004 =||= Sticky Buttons In the spirit of again being the retro theme of baseball at the Untitled Daily Column, the wonderful thought of brand new TV announcers for the White Sox in 2005 inspired this baseball essay by me: Wanted: 2 bodies to replace Talking Idiots With Microphones I don't know who could replace Hawk Harrelson, but I hope it isn't that loud-mouthed idiot sports talk radio show Mike North (I can't tell you what AM station he is on 'cause I avoid all sports talk radio because it is mind-numbing garbage that makes a listener stupidier). I don't know..maybe hold an open Bill Veeck-style announcing crew audition. Anyone who mutters phrases like "HE GONE" or "that was a duck snort" or "You can put it on the board..........yes!" gets an automatic disqualification. Since they now post the score, inning and count (something they used to only flash a couple times an inning in the old days) why even bother having TV announcers? People are always doing something else while watching baseball..you can't expect someone to actually sit there and watch and listen for 3+ hours straight??? That's why I mute the sound and listen to music instead. And in general, about the White Sox: Ok, here's the problem with going against the "overly right-handed power-hitting White Sox lineup" theory. The ballpark is now Coors Field of the east Mississippi. They moved the fences in too much not to have a team built on power. Personally, I'd like to see the foul poles go back to 350 or even to 370...poweralleys 415 and center field 450... because it would be the only way to (most likely) keep the ball in the park with our young pitchers. Then build the team around contact and speed hitters (speed shows up every day - power does not) and keep the grass real, real short (and dare I say, I'd actually prefer having the green carpet astroturf!) But that's just my personal preference.. because I'm sick and tired of seeing all these stupid steroid homerun hitters with their lame armor elbow / hand / leg shields. Any idiot can buff up and swing from his heels every single pitch and strike out 170 times a year. And while I'm under the table and dreaming...I'd like to see the strike zone widened from the letters to below the knees...and the mound raised 6 inches. You watch a game on ESPN Classic and you'll see how high strikes were being called in 70s/80s/ early 90s. Ok Selig...you all brought the fans back with the stupid homerun bullshit...now it's time to give something back to the pitchers. END |
| =||= Thursday August 19th 2004 =||= "She turned into her mother." Ah yes, it's NFL preseason. And how are the Bears doing? Well, I haven't been watching. I, like most football fans and players; believe that the preseason is too long at 4 games (which is 25% of the regular season) and I'm not watching anything until when it's officially the Opening Day kick-off and the games really start to count to avoid football burn-out . Speaking of corruption in football, here's another appalling article. What the fuck does a football player have to do to get thrown in jail these days?? Apparently even pushing and shoving cops around or killing people isn't enough. Acquitted despite glaring 'Terpitude' Tribune wires August 18, 2004 A judge in Ocean City, Md., while acknowledging he believed a Maryland football player was "guilty as sin," acquitted him of charges related to a run-in with police after his lawyer argued that a conviction could end the player's college career. Sophomore wide receiver Gregory D. Powell, 20, was charged with assaulting police and disorderly conduct after a June disturbance at a motel where police had ordered underage drinkers to pour out their beer. Powell's attorney told Judge R. Patrick Hayman during the non-jury trial that a conviction or probation could end Powell's career. "Son, you are about to get an early Christmas present," Hayman told the defendant Monday. "And it is a gift, because you are guilty as sin. I'm going to find you not guilty." Officers used pepper spray on Powell and said he was under arrest. Afterward, Powell fought with officers, police said. A Terrapins football spokesman said Powell was likely to face disciplinary action, but the charges had not kept him out of practices. END |
| =||= Friday August 20th 2004 =||= I shot Andy....but I did not shoot Barney. Editor: "Dolph! That's IT, Dolf!! Grab some chalk and write this on the chalkboard 50 times!" I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I will not miss the Daily Column deadline. I have learned nothing - FUCK YOU ~Dolph -o- Subject: I farted ..and it was a real anus rattler, too! -o- "I just don't think this is going to work out. You have the "Piggly Wiggly"; we have the "Menards" ...you're from Wisconsin...I'm from Illinois. The cultural differences are just too much to over come." -o- "Minor League baseball means minor league FUN." -o- Why do you spit so damn much??? "I guess I'm just a Phlegmy kind of guy!" |
| =||= Saturday August 21st 2004 =||= I will teach you to crash the truck. Well here's the test run of the football scoreboard... this one in coal. And for the week schedule up on the side in green. I'll probably end moving stuff around...maybe change the color or size.. or leave it this way I don't know. I wrote a long ass column called "What I remember on the bus" with every sentence beginning with "I remember..". Mixed with some truths, some half-truths..some lies.. I don't know if I'll post it.. I also have this idea to make this obscene little ditty that will require some sound effects which I'll have to find and some peace and quiet around here if it ever fucking comes! This is the kind of ditty; while stupid; it must be heard rather than read. Also my long time Friends-rip off sitcom has a name (Schadenfreude) a German term for 'shameful joy', taking pleasure in the suffering of others. The theme of the show will (hopefully) be written by Mike Catania, entitled "Piss On My Grave." This show will probably be carbon copied, but it'll be much nastier and meaner. There will be a male character; while attractive; is of course ignored by all women. But this dude just really doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't want someone's claws in his back or wallet. And of course, his 5 other friends on the show (tho really 3 of them just tolerate him..but sometimes not!) and sometimes succumb to his level..and play mean tricks on him... like not inviting him over for a party or to hang out. And of course, they laugh and laugh and laugh it up saying how much better their party is without him. And of course, he sits home and alone...being extremely paranoid as usual....plans his revenge anyway. He'll sneak into the apt and put poison in their coffee maker. Not a lot of course. He doesn't want to kill them. But in the end, feelings were hurt...blood was bled.. nails broken or bitten off... they all still seem to sort of be on speaking terms. |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| =||= Sunday August 22nd 2004 =||= It's only plagiarism...*if* you get caught. Well with zero feedback on the football test run of the scoreboard, I once again will have to decide something. I'm probably not going to pick the coal one because it's too dark. Well it's Olympic time, and well, I'm watching a ton.. Why, I don't know..because I didn't plan on watching so much. The worst.. by far..to watch is team volleyball. The court looks so small on TV and the game barely lasts 3 seconds, and it's impossible to judge if a ball is in or out. And, of course, none of the sports I wanted to see i.e. team handball, baseball, badminton, ping pong, tennis or softball are on NBC and well, that just sucks. I don't understand why they keep showing swimming, gymnastics and track every single night. Give us something else to see, man. The games are on NBC, thus taking over their entire schedule. Of course, I don't mind because I rarely watch any NBC shows, but it's been a few weeks without my Conan fix and well, it's depressing me. Lately I've been planning on writing some angry and mocking emails to companies and to celebrities, but I thought, "would they ever even bother reading it?" My email would either get lost in a sea of other emails, or get deleted or caught by a spam filter. Wow...defeated without even doing anything. "Dear EA Sports, Madden 2002 really pisses me off and the game is a piece of shit. Passing is impossible and kicking seems to fuck up so easily. Why am I always stuck playing the Rams in the playoffs?? Fuck you. Your game makes me so mad. Your stupid fucking game makes me scream, shout, holler, moan, slam my controller down, and raises my blood pressure. You stupid cockheads. If I didn't cheat once or twice a season I would never win at all. Fuck you. Sincerely, Fuck You." I think we've found a new segment for the column. |
| =||= Monday August 23rd 2004 =||= You drink..you drive..you win! It's Monday again. And you know what that means... Pizza Hut running commercials 20 times from 4pm to 7pm. "Dear Pizza Hut, Please stop running your stupid annoying commercials every fucking 15 minutes! It's companies like YOU that are causing Americans to get fatter and stupider by offering unhealthy pizza at a cheap price. Perhaps you should sell life insurance along with your pizzas. Nobody likes seeing the same fucking commercial twice, let alone 20 times a night. Stop it you stupid shitheads! Please send 100 free pizza coupons to .... Sincerely, Fuck You!" Well it's almost College Football time, and that of course means it's College Pick 'Em's time. First order of business..picking out the team nickname and location. Of course, no easy task. I came up with names like Pigstown Squealers, the Katmandu Anus Rattlers, the Ironboxers, the Whippersnappers, the Pillowbiters, the Stockholm Swayin' Swedes, and Milwaukee Blue Ribbons. Finally, I settled on (most likely) the Crackerville Dirty Swedes. Team colors (tho not present) are powder blue and golden cheese yellow and white. I may come up with other nicknames, like the Teabaggers, the Snowballers, the Cumsuckers, the Fartknockers...so we'll see. "Dear Woo Poo Toilet Paper Co., Please do something about your toilet paper. It feels like sand paper and it's really cutting up my bloody hemorrhoids. Ouch! Also your Steel Wool Anus Brushes are also very painful. Please do something. Sincerely, Faithful Customer of 13 years." |
| =||= Tuesday August 24th 2004 =||= Where quitters quit and cheaters win. The Bus Driver. I've had dozens of bus drivers over the years... ones who were cool...ones who we knew by first name (Bill and his shady sunglasses) ones who had blood-shot eyes & smelled like cigarette and marijuana smoke...ones who had boom boxes blasting..ones who nick-named me "Stretch"..then there's the senile ones...the ones who'd pull the bus over every day..yell at us while we spat on his back..cut open his seats...bled on his floor...broke his windows.... littered and left rotten food and trash...stood up with our arms outside the window.. threatened to crash the bus...drive us to Canada....bury us at the side of the road..whatever..it was all quite an adventure. Now what kind of a thankless job is it to be a bus driver? You drive this big fucking yellow thing..slam on the squeaky loud breaks every two blocks , scream at people to "sit down and stay out of the aisle" but no one ever listens. I remember riding on buses from the 1960s with dark and light green interior who could barely go 5 mph..I remember a simple 11 mile trip finally got me home an hour and 20 minutes later...I remember getting off at earlier bus stops and running home and arriving a cool 40 minutes early. I remember kids smoking in the back seats....pissing in a jar...wiping a shoe who stepped on gum being smeared all over the seat...a walkman being thrown out the window only to hit and crack the window of a passing by car and have us pulled over..I remember a hammer being used to break a window because "a hammer could not possibly break a window!" I remember a fist fight which I had nothing to do with that landed on top of me resulting in a broken window where a fist landed on which i got blamed for but ultimately didn't get charged for. I remember a rotten piece of fruit being thrown at me but missed and hit the seat behind me. I remember boomboxes in backpacks blaring. I remember throwing paper and shit out the window. I remember people opening the Emergency Exit door and sprinting away. I remember fire crackers in the aisle going off... I remember waiting at the end of my driveway eagerly awaiting to go to school in kindergarten (back in those days, it was only a half day and mine was in the afternoon) holding my stupid navy blue backpack only to watch the bus drive full-speed past me and down the street where it made 4 more stops and running in crying to my mom that the bus missed me and my mom getting the sky-blue '76 Buick LeSabre and tracking down the bus driver and yelling at the driver even tho it would have been quicker just to drive me to school (it was a substitution driver that day). I remember punching the seat in anguish...punching it to hear it pop...cutting it open to gut it .... I remember lowering the windows that pinched my fingers...I remember breaking the glass jar of peanut butter that I was supposed to bring to Pre-School for a snack even tho I was warned "don't let the jar of peanut butter hit the floor!" while it was in the plastic bag...opening that plastic bag of a supermarket that no longer exists and seeing a pile of broken glass and peanut butter, and remembering my teachers looking at it and retrieving another jar of peanut butter from somewhere else in the school and thus fulfilling our stupid "peanut butter and crackers snack of the day" shit.. I remember there not being enough left-handed scissors...the ones with the rubber green handles....one angry menopause-ic four-eyed short grey curly haired woman who's probably dead now and McDonalds red french fry boxes filled with popsicle sticks on a tac-board & bags of fat crayons & being stuck with a bag of black-only crayons and being yelled at for not picking any colored crayons even tho there were none left! I remember riding in a yellow van which brought me to pre-school for a year that drove and picked up all the little shits in my class and a kid in the back seat with me when one day a dude who puked all over himself and was drowning in a pool of his own vomit and I remember me sitting on the edge front of the seat not being able to say anything to the mean but slender thin brunette driver in her tight dark blue jeans who smoked but i successfully avoided getting any puke stains on my Lee blue jeans. I remember being confused and quiet for the first 9 years of my life. my old bus driver: "Got any beer? Rum? Hard Liquor? Sit down and shut the fuck up! God damn it! Little pricks! I'll staple all your fuck'n asses to the seats!" with a bottle of rum sitting on the dashboard... **Shouting** "SIT DOWN! SHUT UP! NO CHANGING SEATS! STOP CUTTING UP MA' SEATS!" while drinking a bottle of Colt 45-Jack Daniels-Old Style-Rum and Gin and the cop sirens going off and him going "God damn cops!" while his seat belt was unbuckled and flairing in the air with his black tie and the crud on his teeth. |
| =||= Wednesday August 25th 2004 =||= "Heh! Look at me in this hat! I look like a jackass!" Well here we are. Another day of Olympics. And some jackass fell off their bicycle! Ha ha! After watching all the bio's and stuff on these athletes....how they spent every single day of their life training since they were little kids and all the hard work they put into....only to either fall down, get an injury like 2 days before the event.... have your routine and moment ruined by poor judging, crowd's booing the judges on another athlete who did better than you but scored worse..... or not even qualifying.. or even worse..not qualifying despite your Trials time would have won the gold... all for the impossible chance of winning the gold. Really makes you think ....these people are wasting their lives. Yeah, you win a medal..then what? You can't sign endorsements 'cause then you lose your amateur status, right? So how in the hell do you make money?? And are those medals solid metal or are they just coated? And how much is that medal worth if you sold it? On another topic, I'm noticing TV commercials are getting more and more unrealistic. Recently there was an ad that was pulled because it showed these little 8 year old shits driving a car recklessly and eventually it went airborne. It was pulled thanks (or due) to mothers bitching that it sent the message that kids should get in their parent's cars and take them for a drive. I found the whole damn commercial stupid and quite lame..... due to the video game-like imagery and the stupid cocky smirk on the kid's faces when they pass each other while in the air. Listen you dumb little shits....I saw "Road Trip"....you get a car more than a foot off the ground, the axle will break and the wheels and rotors will completely snap off. Of course you didn't know that 'cause you're just some stupid punk-ass kid who doesn't know their own face from a pisshole in the ground. You're an actor....and not a very good one, either. It really makes you think that the people making commercials these days are total complete idiots who have completely lost their grasp on reality. A sweaty black man taking a suicidal jump off his balcony to get some lemon-lime soda; which was completely unnecessary in an already saturated lemon-lime soda market; and lands right into the glass and somehow fits into the glass? Where'd you get that brilliant idea? From a Bugs Bunny cartoon?? Man I want to rip Bug's ears off. "Who were the Ad wizards that came up with that one??" Now, an excerpt from a Seinfeld episode, # 9, first aired February 13, 1991. It just perfectly articulates my disdain for TV commercials, which I constantly mute in the first place. Jerry sitting on the couch with his current gf, Donna.... Jerry: (Looks at his pants) Tan pants. Why do I buy tan pants, Donna? I don't feel comfortable in them. Donna: Are those Cotton Dockers? Jerry: Oh, I can't begin to tell you how much I hate that commercial. Donna: Really? I like that commercial. (Jerry pauses) Jerry: You like that commercial? Donna: Yeah, it's clever. Jerry: Now wait a second, you mean the one where the guys are all standing around, supposedly being very casual and witty? Donna: Yeah, that's the one. Jerry: What could you possibly like about that?! Donna: I don't know, I like the guys. Jerry: Yeah, (sarcastically) they're so funny and so comfortable with each other, and I could be comfortable too, if I had pants like that. I could sit on a porch and wrestle around, and maybe even be part of a real bull session. Donna: Hey, I know guys like that. To me the dialogue rings true. Jerry: (Shrugs. Pause) Even if the dialogue did ring true. Even if somehow somewhere men actually talk like that, what does that have to do with the pants? Doesn't that bother you? Donna: (Increasingly annoyed) That's the idea. That's what's clever about it, that they're not talking about the pants. Jerry: But they're talking about nothing! Donna: That's the point. Jerry: I know the point. Donna: No one is telling you to like it. Jerry: I mean, all those quick shots of the pants, just pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that supposed to be? (Donna sighs, leans away from Jerry, looks at watch) **scene ends** |
 |
| =||= Thursday August 26th 2004 =||= Get hammered...you won't get nailed. Madden 2002 NFL season, year 2003: Ah yes, the Milwaukee Pabst Blue Ribbons won the 2003 Super Bowl today, 27-3 over the New York Jets, and thus completing the first perfect season since the '72 Dolphins and therefore are now the best team who ever existed, by going 19-0; which no NFL team has ever done. The story of the Blue Ribbons is short. The owner of the Arizona Cardinals (formerly the Phoenix Cardinals, the St. Louis Cardinals, the Chicago Cardinals) sold the team to a group of young hooligans, Cheeseheads, actually....bitter Cheeseheads who hated the Packers and missed watching NFL football in Milwaukee, when the Packers finally moved the 4 of the 8 home games being played in Milwaukee after the 1994 season back to Green Bay. These Cheeseheads bought the Cardinals for a meager sum....actually....won the team in a bar bet....about who could chug the pitcher of beer first....and the winner gets ownership of the Cardinals. Of course the Cheeseheads won, and moved the team to Milwaukee and renamed them the Pabst Blue Ribbons. To accommodate the former-Cardinals move back to the Midwest, the NFC Central, consisting of the Bears, Buccaneers, Lions, Packers and Vikings; the Tampa Bay Buccaneers switched division spots with the Blue Ribbons (who the Cardinals were from the NFC East). Also, a new rule was added to the NFL prior to the 2002..which was shortening the quarter length from 15 minutes down to 5. |
 |
| And with a new city and a new nickname, means new logos and uniforms. About the only thing kept from the Cardinals design was the white helmet and grey facemask. The logo is very much like the logo on the beer....only with a small football added in it and an "S" added to "Ribbon". The team colors are electric blue, cherry red, off-white and white. As you can see here, the socks and pant side-stripes differ on the home and road uniforms. The endzone logo provides the complete team script, as well as the alternate logo. The design was |
| to look more retro than modern....meaning a clean all-white road uniform, 3 colored stripes, and no logos on the pants or sleeves. The helmet had the logo on each side with the red stripe (identical from the beer can design) going diagonally and meeting at the top. |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| How did the Blue Ribbons win this Super Bowl? Well....let's just say they're clock-eaters. Coach Gayman says, "You know, I don't like running a lot of plays....because it increases the chance for injury..and why the hell would I want to fuck myself over by running some 30, 40, 50 plays a game? It just doesn't make fucking sense." Also, on the Blue Ribbon's sideline, players are kept refreshed with the huge kegs filled with Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, the official team sponsor / mascot. "It's cheaper than Gatorade," says Coach Gayman. Part of the secret to the Blue Ribbons success was a simple strategy.... running the sweep....running up the middle to the left....running up the middle to the right..and of course, setting up the 9-yard pass to the TE (tight end). Most teams leading receiver isn't the TE, but so what? And on defense: blitzing like a motherfucker. While only 8% of blitz's result in a QB sack, that pressure on the QB is golden, by having to hurry up the pass and he usually misses his target. Some of the commentary of the Super Bowl '03 in San Diego was somewhat disheartening. John: "What the heck is going on here?? It's the 1st quarter....there's a full length-5 minute quarter left....and the Blue Ribbons are running the ball up the middle and taking the 40-second play clock right down to 1! They're too busy eating up the clock! Come on! Score some points! Throw the ball! Do something!!" Pat: "The fans here in San Diego aren't very happy, John. They paid thousands of dollars for their seats and they're seeing nothing but stalling." John: "The QB won't hike the ball! Where's my drawing pen?? What? WHAT?! WHAT!" Pat: "The Blue Ribbons don't seem to have good sportsmanship ..they're always taunting the opposition after every play....showboating..jiving....dancing around.. That's just not classy." John: "You said it, Pat." Pat: "What a boring Super Bowl!" John: "HIKE THE BALL! HIKE THE BALL! **slams down the headset** HIKE THE BALL!!!!" And what was with the deal of running up the score during the season, Coach Gayman? "Well, we got a spread to cover. There's a lot of compulsive gambling done during the NFL season, and we try to do our part. Plus we have no respect or regard to our opponents. Their lives are meaningless to us. They're just machines with numbers on them that we have to stop, crush, kick, poke, break, snap, trip, hold, cut, burn, seize etc. And humiliating your opponent is fun! And so what if we're up 28-3 with 30 seconds left in the 4th quarter and the ball on the 15..we'll try to score that touchdown or field goal, then try the on-sides kick to get the ball back and rank up more points." But never the less, the Blue Ribbons only gave up 139 points for the entire season; an NFL record best, beating the '00 Super Bowl Champion Baltimore Ravens previous record of 165 and only allowed 6 points in the playoffs combined. Coach Gayman: "Defense wins Super Bowls. And so does getting 1st downs.....and not fumbling like a fucking idiot and ....scoring points....more points than the other assholes." And what did Jets fan Doug Heffernan have to say about watching the Jets, appearing in their first Super Bowl since 1969, only to lose to the Blue Ribbons?" Doug: "That game was fucking bullshit!!! BULLSHIT!!! They fucking held on the to ball for the entire 2nd quarter!! The Jets only touched the ball twice the entire game! And the 1st time resulted in an interception caught at the 48 yard line and their kicker then kicks a 60 yard field goal!! What bullshit was that!! And what's with them running up the score at the end?? (scrorns) "You won, already.....you're the better team....we GET it. Stupid assmunch!!!" Oh, what poor sportsmanship on behalf of all Jet's fans. Just....classless. |
| =||= Friday August 27th 2004 =||= Crouton Cooter! Ah how I love watching the men run the hurdles in Track. A few of them continually knock them down...others get tangled up....fall down....some US dude tripped on two of them before he head-first slid under a hurdle. "Finish the race, dipshit! Just don't lay there on the ground grabbing your knee!" Haha! Of course, if I ran the hurdles, I'd either punch them down or just kick them forward or just step on them. Not the best strategy in the world, no doubt. Of course, it'd be better if the hurdles couldn't be knocked down....if they were in the track solid. Boy would that be fun if some guy got his shoe caught behind one! C: "You have brought shame to our country! You're a loser! And loser's lose! And you lost!" R: "Somebody's got to lose." I still think we should have two Olympics....the regular one...and the all-drug Olympics....have people dedicated their whole life to what science and drugs can do to a body. Athletes would be allowed to take steroids / drugs before, after and during the events. They'd have their own world records. And which Olympics would thrive and would be more interesting to watch? I wouldn't mind seeing some fights break out 'cause of roid rage. Pain? Just pump it up with a needle full of Valium mixed in with the cortisone shot and watch the wound magically heal itself while your running! Or if pain isn't your game, pump some drugs that numb the body so you can run until your limbs are literally falling off your body!! "Dear News Anchor, The past 3 weeks we went through unseasonably cool weather, roughly 20 degrees below the normal..meaning it was completely comfortable and downright delightful to be outside and to sleep at night. After watching your soulless carcass the past 3 weeks bitch about how "hot it's supposed to be," it's now above average and extremely humid and extremely unpleasant. Why don't you shut your fucking mouth! Your mouth is so big, if someone were to punch you there, the fist would sail clear straight to your spine. When the night falls....now your sweaty ass is sticking to the sheets...constantly tossing and turning.... it's like sleeping in a stream room that smells like a dirty sock. So how does it feel now, Shit-For-Brains?? Hmmm?? I hope you rot like the dog feces on the ground. Sincerely, Fuck You!" |
| =||= Saturday August 28th 2004 =||= "you walked hand in hand, with another dyke..in my place." Short review: Who has the better chicken strip meal? Recently, I've had two very delicious and different 3-piece chicken strip meals from KFC and Popeye's. Both have their strong points. Both are $3.99. But who has the edge? Chicken Strips: even. Both chicken strips were very crispy, but KFC has slightly more meat on theirs. Sadly, they don't use the Original Recipe for the breading. If they did, it would just blow other chicken strips on the planet away. Popeyes breading is actually better....it's crunchier....had a buttery taste compared to the KFC, which KFC sort of has a slight like, beefy / over-cooked taste to it. Potatoes: KFC. While I love Popeye's unique seasoned fries (and there was a ton in the box), you just can't beat a perfect serving size of mashed potatoes and gravy from KFC. Biscuit: Popeye's. Popeye's uses a buttermilk biscuit batter; which adds more flavor and bulk to it. Both generally taste the same, but Popeye's gets the nod because it's at least twice as heavy and much more filling. Sides: KFC! Saints be praised for the day I found out you could substitute the coleslaw with mac n cheese! And according to the KFC nutrition chart, the mac n cheese actually has half the fat of the coleslaw....who da' thunk it? And who can resist mac n cheese? What? You??? Are you some kind of cheese-hating FREAK??? Hmmm?? Drink: none! Neither offers any drink with their meals! Cheap bastards. There's always free water (and it comes with ice!) I usually always get water when I eat out, because well..I'm a cheap bastard. Sauces: Popeye's. Popeye's offers like 5 dipping sauces, ranging from sour 'n sour, bbq, honey mustard and some other shit I can't remember. KFC doesn't have any dipping sauces. Personally, I usually don't dip 'cause it takes away from the chicken flavor. Value: KFC. KFC offers more of a variety, and usually has a coupon for the meal to knock off 31 cents (which usually covers all of the tax so you don't have to break out any change), has a good variety of food, and you can change all of the sides to something else, whether it'd be beans, corn, potato wedges, rice, or more of the same thing. Both offer coupons off of their website and that's always a good thing. Popeye's has a coupon (as of the moment to knock a dollar off the price, but sides are mostly cajun rice or mash potatoes and cajun gravy or fries. Both meals are extremely filling.... but KFC gives you slightly more food. Intangibles: Popeye's. Being Popeye's..they're not as popular as KFC and thus there are shorter to no waiting lines at all. KFC is almost always busy and their lines move very, very slowly. But KFC gets some points for giving out a huge, thick napkin with their fork and that their food comes in a big, wide plastic serving tray instead of the box Popeye's comes in, but it's not a big deal. A rather short review has turned into a long one. If you love chicken strips, I highly recommend you try both meals. |
| =||= Sunday August 29th 2004 =||= Idiots of the World! And now, it's time for a bizarre installment of the column. One of my last night's sleeping dreams: Clapton in the House I didn't really understand the ramifications of the situation.... but apparently I was in a small classroom, with many of my real-life friends from growing up, and our desks lined up next to each other in short rows going horizontal and vertical lines. We were given pieces of orange scratch paper and a skinny black marker to write with. Apparently, on the stage was Eric Clapton, and a 12-piece band, complete with the laser show and background dancers / actors. Clapton was playing for us live, and in the 15-second songs he would play, we would try to guess the name of it. As true to my awaken nature, unless I hear the exact same version of the song on the radio, I'm horrible at guessing what song it is when people play it "in their own way". To my left, nevertheless was Bob Dylan (this isn't the 1st dream he's been in with where we were both in school). We were talking to each other (incoherently but comprehending of course) while listening to Clapton play and writing down our guesses. I of course was just scribbling lines and letters in random. Clapton took a break and wandered around looking at our answers. When he picked up my scratch paper and saw mine, he was disappointed. I felt embarrassed because millions of people have paid money to see him perform, and I barely knew of anything he played / it looked like I didn't appreciate the opportunity..... because apparently many other of my classmates wrote stuff on their scratch paper like "Clapton is God" & "God is what Clapton is!" and such. Clapton went back on stage and started playing some more songs. Eventually I heard one I recognized and wrote it down: "Cocaine". After a while, everyone started dancing (not me, I hate dancing) and I continued to sit down and heard people shout my name and to "c'mon!" I got up and started walking....and soon we all ended up to the swimming pool gym.....an Olympic-sized indoor set of swimming pools. Most of us dove into the pool with our clothes on and started swimming around and continued to dance while in the water. Eric Clapton stopped by the pools and thanked us for listening and said he had to go. He walked to his black Rolls-Royce, which looked a lot like this 1960 one (on the side here) and sped off. We continued swimming, then suddenly they started draining the pools. Everyone was confused as was I, but then I shouted, "It's because there's too much pee in the water!" and everyone laughed. And then, all fell dead silent...some 50 classmates.. and stared at me waiting for me to make another joke. Then I rambled on something like "It wasn't meeeeeee because I have a bladder the size of a Brazilian nut!" and everyone laughed again. What context in which that means....I'm not fully sure, but everyone else found it humorous. I continued making jokes, but they were still draining all the water out of the pools.....probably telling us to get the hell out or something. And that's where the dream ended. A most bizarre one, of course. I had about 5 dreams last night, and this is the one I vividly remember the most. And what does this dream mean? I have no fucking idea. Over the years, I've wanted to tape record my dreams and then watch them when I woke up. But then, what's the point of doing that if you spend all of your time watching something that never really happened? Could it be our dreams are trying to tell us something? Could our dreams be sorting out something that we're too busy to see or fix while being awake? Is this dream telling me to listen to more Eric Clapton? Or am I listening to too much Clapton?? Could I send the tape to some psychoanalysts and have them look at it and evaluate it? Dr.: "It's become pretty apparent that you're nuts and have broken your mind." Well duh! |
 |
| =||= Monday August 30th 2004 =||= Addicted To Cheese I usually give judgement to a Simpsons episode after I've seen it at least 5 times so I had the chance to fully grasp the more subtle jokes / learning stuff since I've seen the episode that'll help me understand it better (like cultural / movie / tv references). There's an average of 16 episodes of the Simpsons on TV per week, and I usually see about 12 of them. History: I've been watching the Simpsons since Day 1, and after a brief 2 to 3 year hiatus in the mid-90s due to over-exposure and indulgence, I have watched them religiously ever since. It was actually Episode 76, First Aired 11-Mar-1993, the one where Lisa got braces / the power plant went on strike that made me stop watching the show. At the time, I hated the Beatles and the weird Yellow Submarine stuff, and that horribly annoying Lisa song "and we'll march day and night" just made me sick. After watching all the episodes up to this point on tape at least 8 times, I stopped watching the Simpsons completely until probably 09-Oct-1994, which I remember "happening" to catch the episode of Sideshow Bob running for Mayor / Burt the Conservative Radio talk show episode.. but I don't remember watching the show full time again until probably Season 7 � Sept. of '95 when that whole "Who Shot Mr. Burns" shit was going on. Even to this day, like episodes of "Bart gets banned from seeing The Itchy and Scratchy Movie" still seem weird and different art-wise to the others. But suffice to say, I've seen every single episode. The List: I put some thought into this, and these are the 5 episodes for a while that stick out in my mind of truly sucking. Eventually I'll do a Best Of list.....and eventually I'll continue with 6-10 on the terrible episodes list. I remember these episodes just being overall shitty & unpleasant to sit through. What you won't see is nitpicking / rehashing specific bad jokes / scenarios. Terrible Simpsons episodes: 1. Marge gets a Chanel dress 2. The Alec Baldwin / Kim Basinger / Ron Howard episode 3. The Simpsons go to Africa 4. Homer's Roast n' Clip Show 5. Homer and Marge meet in Summercamp 1. Episode 148. First Aired Feb. 4th 1996. This was probably the first overall bad Simpsons episode....which is surprising 'cause it was during the Phil Hartman era. The show starts off strong with the Bumble Bee Man / Grampa breaking the TV gag, but then it just goes downhill from there. The jokes aren't funny, Marge is pissed off the whole time / worried about what some soulless snobs think of her. The only bright spots were Homer's new found talent of golf along with a Tom Kite cameo; but Homer's bits were all too brief. 2. Episode 208. First Aired November 8, 1998. This episode is as flaky as the actors and the Hollywood they thrive in. Excessive celebrity pandering, It's all "oooh, look at me, I'm a celebrity and look at my extravagant lifestyle!" bleh. 3. Episode 265. First Aired April 1, 2001. Probably the most over-played episode in syndication. This episode was poorly written, has weak jokes which are not funny at all and it's just a pointless episode. 4. Episode 286. First Aired April 21, 2002. Another clip show, starts off with Homer imitating Forest Gump. A lot of this episode doesn't make sense and doesn't gel together at all....especially with the space aliens in the end. 5. Episode 333. First Aired May 9, 2004. I'm sure there's far worse episodes, but this one makes the Top 5 because it completely symbolizes everything that's wrong with newer episodes. This episode contradicts almost every episode, and its shameless & lazy use of assuming a bunch of Springfield characters are all the same age, plus how Homer, Marge and Moe's youth seems to constantly keep changing decades. It's like we have to ignore every single thing we've ever learned in any other Simpsons episode, like "Hey, everybody was born yesterday, so let's write whatever we want!" Yeah, I know it's a cartoon, but jesus christ, give the viewers some credit. It's episodes like these that prove that the show has run out of ideas and has no business still being on TV other than making more money for everyone involved. |
| =||= Tuesday August 31st 2004 =||= Green means "GO" !! In honor of Luth's 24th birthday, here's a slighty revamped version of the Beatles 1965 classic from their Rubber Soul album, "Nowhere Man". He's a reeeeal cracker man, Sitting innnnn his cracker land Making all his cracker plans, for crackers Doesn't haaaave a care for you knows not wherrre he's going poo Isn't he a bit like you and me? cracker mannn, please listen (ah, la la la) You don't know what you're pissing (ah, la la la) cracker man, The world is at your command! (ooooh ah oh la la la) (guitar solo) He's as blind as he can be Just sees what he wants to see cracker man, can you see me at alllll cracker man, don't worry (ah, la la la) Take your time, don't hurry Leave it all (ah, la la la) till somebody else steals your land! (ooooh ah oh la la la) Doesn't haaaave a care for you knows not wherrrrre he's going poo Isn't he a bit like you and me? cracker man please listen (ah, la la la) You don't knowwww what you're pissing (ah, la la la) cracker mannnn, The worrrrld is at your commannnnd Ah, la, la, la, la! He's a reeeeal cracker man Sitting innnn his cracker land Making alllll his cracker plans for crackers Making allll his cracker plans for crackers Making allll his cracker plans for crackers! -o- Today was the kind of day songs are made of. A pissed-off waitress shouting "HEY!" at the top of her lungs straight into the lunch crowd because she was aggravated with something while serving a table, then a minute later, *WHUMP!* A frail old man tips completely backwards off his chair.. and not just on to the floor, but off the table section by the window where it raises up a whole stair-step. "Ow my hand!" Then while driving about in town, there was an extremely fat white-collared man; as round as a balloon. An air balloon, that is. -o- "I don't want to be in your crappy band for jerks, anyway!" -o- "No YOU'VE had too much to drink tonight, Officer Jackass!" Officer: Step out of the car. "No YOU step out of the fucking car!" END |
 |
 |
|
|