August 2006 - Untitled Daily Column Project

<| Tuesday August 1st, 2006 |> "yo', man, yo' god damn 'ol fuckin' apple alligator, man."

ADVERTISMENT

Do you like mystery meat? Do you like grease? Do you want to try our new "healthy" salads, which actually have more fat & cholesterol than our largest burger?? Do you like not having food made "your way" ? Then come on down to McDonalds! We always put too many pickles on! Opps, we forgot your fries!

Slogan: "I only want to eat this shit everyday."

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Wednesday August 2nd, 2006 |>   "so how's the shit life? do you live in Vaginaland?"

So apparently, there's this fear of author J.K. Rowling killing Harry Potter in her last book of the series. Now, I don't have to tell you that the UDCP is extremely anti-Harry Potter and anti-book (you bunch of sadist tree killers, you) despite the plans of someday publishing this very same blog into a book. There's nothing cool about reading Harry Potter books. In fact, it makes you a nerd. And that's the worst thing in the world you could possibly be. I respect people who drink beer from a can more than I do who reads Harry Potter books, tho not by much.

And I especially like the part where Steven King mentions about a book where the main character kicked a dog to death. King understands the importance, along with Snoopy, about kicking the dog!

Apparently Fidel Castro is ailing and has turned his power over to 2nd-in-chain-in-command & brother, Raul. I once claimed my name was Raul in a Hooters, just for the fuck of it. It was all fine and well until I got carded for the beer. That really confused that poor, stupid fat_breasted waitress; her first day and all, even. You don't have to write my name on a placemat! I think I know my own fake name! And for some unknown reason, this blog for a while kept getting hits with "Raul hits wife" and brought up this page: February 2006 - Untitled Daily Column Project I don't recall ever writing that, tho it would make for a cool blog name, and for the logo, it'd say that written in crudely drawn crayon. Apparently the reason for this, is in the page's source code, it remembers the searches used to find this blog, and that being the Webstat thing that counts the numbers of visitors I get here (which apparently is not consistent at all with Yahoo's default counter), and during that month of February 2006, some lost soul found this site by typing "Raul hits wife".

The other explanation, apparently some cache of code got stuck on the UDCP page, and included an "Everybody Loves Raymond" bit I wrote in August of 2005 where I changed Ray's name to "Raul", and Raul gets profane and beats up his old fart war hero father in a church during a funeral. That juicy little tidbit can be found here: "Raul and the old man".   It apparently was "Here is the infamous "most offensive thing I have ever written" script." I was rather disappointed from the rather passive responses I got. What do I have to do to shock people?? Pull a gun on a pastor in church?? Apparently somebody's wife beat me to it already. Apparently dictionary.com's definition of "infidelity" is

1. Unfaithfulness to a sexual partner, especially a spouse.
     2. An act of sexual unfaithfulness.
2. Lack of fidelity or loyalty.
3. Lack of religious belief.

My money's on # 3. I bet the Pastor hasn't been praying hard enough lately. That tends to happen when it's not football season.

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Thursday August 3rd, 2006 |> ""and you're like 'whatever' and I'm like 'whatever'. ""

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Ppd.

<| Friday August 4th, 2006 |>   "see ya later, masturbator."

Rudager's 5

   Losing 1 out of 3 to the Royals is unacceptable. Those are the teams you must sweep in order to make the playoffs.

   Head's up: Papa John's garlic butter sauce, which comes in 28g containers, has 17g of fat (a whopping 26% daily allowance worth) and 150 calories. Good thing I never eat that pizza, especially since the sausage tastes like dog food, they're cheap on the cheese and the crust has a foam padding consistency.

   The Milwaukee Admirals of the AHL have changed their logo, from this to this What the fuck?! How can a skull say "never say die" when it's already dead?? I like simple logos, but that's just stupid looking. Plus they made up some stupid bullshit of how it died in Lake Michigan and it came ashore or some shit. They even had a presentation explaining this on the website but it was taken down. So in essence, they replaced a 1990s modern crappy New England Patriots-esque "Flying Elvis" knock-off with a modern crappy 2006 Photoshop esque logo. "Flying Admiral" replaced the old College Football-esque logo which looks charming & right out of the 1970s.

   I was at the Quizno's website the other day, and I noticed they have a kids menu, which consists of: shitty tiny sub full of meat and cheese, tiny soda, tiny baked Cheetos, stale cookie, and some kind of shitty educational "explore the sea" game card. It also has quizzes it in, so it increases the chances of choking on food by a confused & stupid child. When I was a kid, I wanted the big grown up sandwiches, 'cause you know they always put the smaller, cheaper shit in kids meals. These stupid little shits don't deserve a kids menu. Last time I checked, adults ruled the world, not children. And who wants to be a kid? Everything sucks when you're a kid. You can't watch dirty movies, you can't go on the grown-up rides or do grown-up things, and you have very little control of things.

   Last night's White Sox / Royals game, in the 8th inning, they were down 5-3, and the rain came in Kansas City, so the game was delayed for like 2 to 3 hours then they finally come back, only to give up 2 more runs. What a waste of fucking time. Fuck you, somebody!

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Saturday August 5th, 2006 |> "Bozo: listen kids: Bozo will keep screaming for as long as he has to."

Landis, Landis, big fat lying cyclist!

Behind Track & Field, Cycling has to be the most doped up sport there is. Landis's B test also showed "unnaturally high in testosterone," same as the first test. Look, we all know you're doping. You're a 30 year old, not some horny teenage guy. The tests have been called "absolutely error free". Well! Just stop lying to us and admit you took something. That's the great thing about cycling. You can finish in 5th place, and you still have a chance to be the winner!

Ironically, on a Friday while watching ABC World News, while the Tour De France was going on, Landis was the Person Of The Week. They talked about his degenerate hip, which was compared to "a rotting piece of wood" and will be getting hip replacement surgery done soon. They also talked about how he fell 7 minutes behind the leader while practically dying on his bicycle, only the next day to burst out of the gates and tear across the road and made up all but :33 seconds on the leader, which I was told was "unbelievably utterly impossible & amazing to make up almost 7 minutes in one day". Well! I guess we all know how he did it now! As this article is being typed, we're awaiting for Landis to be stripped of his title. So Landis, what do you want us to believe? That the Underpants - Steroid Pumper Gnomes came to your room in the middle of the night, took your underpants and shot your ass with some testosterone booster as the reward? You'll know why I keep my underwear locked away in a safe.

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Sunday August 6th, 2006 |>   "yeah, too bad for Snopp Dogg, that they don't make eye-whitening gum."

Saturday was yet another Football Hall of Fame day in Canton, OH. So another big class of 6+ people including 4 hours worth of speeches, especially from John "WHAT?!" Madden. So why is he in? He only coached for like a decade, then became a sports announcer, hosted SNL in the early 80s, became a spokesman for athletes foot and a hardware store, invented the maddening video game on the planet, and continues to shout obscenities (or complete therelackof) while getting more senile by the day and drawing crazy shit all over the screen. I guess the HOF's motif is "get as many football people in here so we can get more tourists".

I take it that any restraint or standards for election long have been lax. Baseball prides itself of only letting "the best of the best" in, usually only electing 1 person to go in a year, sometimes 2, rarely 3, and sometimes no one at all.   Tho it's going to get sticky next year when McGwire is eligible. Warren Moon, the CFL turned NFL QB also got elected. They had to make a special note that he was the 1st black QB ever elected. Only he said, "being very uncomfortable [about it], because I always wanted to be judged as a quarterback."

Well you can thank the media for that. Make a non-issue into an issue. This is why this country will never be colorblind. They cram this shit down our throats not to see color, but yet when it comes time for accolades, the first thing they mention is "He's the first BLACK!" Makes me scratch my head. I thought we weren't supposed to notice that.

Now I know nothing about NFL statistics, since the only thing people remember is either winning the big game or blowing the big game. I looked up Moon's stats, and apparently he's the 4th all-time best QB and never won a Super Bowl. I don't care.

Ready for this shit?   The NFL has replaced the zerba-striped officials uniforms for some weirdly striped design made with a lighter fabric, which also includes attachments for more layers in colder weather. Also, when it gets cold, they will be going to black slacks. The NFL continues to modernize itself after the XFL (which only lasted one season!) and has dropped the traditional design that's been used for over 80 years. And of course, just changing the fabric wouldn't be enough to make a news story, so (with style not factored; actually admitted) and was hoping the design would absorb less sunlight. Um, that's a lot of black around the shoulders!

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Monday August 7th, 2006 |>   "I want to be infected!"

Day 9 of Hell's Kitchen! Oh man, that was great, the way Virginia stabbed Sara in the back (rightfully so), and now she's having an emotional breakdown because of what she did. Haha, Virginia's whole "theory" was to eliminate Sara. Kudos! Haha! Keith & Heather are laughing that the finals will be Keith vs Heather, with no chance for Virginia. Virginia just has no skills, and seriously has no business being there, but neither did Sara, that fat cow.   First task was tasting Chef Ramsay's signature fish, tasting it, and re-creating it with no recipe or ingredients help in 20 min. All 3 contestants used different ingredients on the dish, used different fish, potatoes over beans for the puree, different ingredients & spices for the sauce. Apparently they all did a good job on it. So the winner is ....wtf.... Virginia! Damn, "spot-on" puree. Reward is spending time with Chef Ramsay & cooking tips. Haha, Heather is bitching "Virginia won again. It doesn't matter how hard you work." Apparently Virginia got the recipe from the Chef Ramsay cookbook that she bought when she went shopping as her reward for winning the previous first task. God, Virginia is such a flake. Keith & Heather are stuck washing every glass and polishing every piece of silverware in Hell's Kitchen. Man, Keith & Heather are pissed at her. REAL pissed. Haha, Virginia crying over being the outsider. You'll be going home soon enough.

Ha! Keith & Heather are taunting Virginia. Dinner service is going to be rotated between all three, determining if the food is done right, etc etc. Ha! Virginia burned thru the salmon! She loves to burn things. Peas, cabbage, water, you name it. Ha! Heather: "I was trying so hard, I screwed everything up." Crying again. Keith is up 1st. He passed his quality test (intent over cooed spa) but he seems to be lacking leadership skills. Wow, Virginia is really lost in the kitchen. She doesn't know what to cook or when. Now it's Heather's turn. She loves being a bitch and yelling. Ah Keith, dragging his ass on the ground, walking around with his mouth open and his eye half shut, he's all like "ya, whatever." And now Chef Ramsay is threatening to kick him off the show during the service. Yeah right, like that will happen. Stat: only 25 of the 124 people have been served an appetizer & entr�e.

With Heather stabilizing the service, Chef Ramsay calls for intentional botch. HA! Heather completely missed the lumpy potatoes! She BLEW it! Now it's Virginia's turn. Ha! Heather didn't hear the order! Here we go! Substitution of bass with salmon! Oh, she caught it. Man, Heather is cracking. Ugh, looks like Virginia is the front runner. She seemed to run the kitchen the best, tho she did have the advantage of kitchen service training during he won task time. Man, that fucking kitchen is chaotic.

Elimination time. Hmmm. Technically Heather did the worst, but Keith, too busy standing there with flies going into his mouth, showed too much "attitude" which really pissed Chef Ramsay off. Each are told to nominate the person who should leave Hell's Kitchen tonight. Yeah, it's a given that Keith & Heather are going to nominate Virginia. Ha! Heather is telling Keith he should have been louder, and he's like "Don't fuck around, Heather." Now Keith is talking to Virginia, and he's leaning towards voting off Heather, which would totally be a slap in the face. Heather shouldn't have said anything to Keith about him. Keith nominated Virginia! Virginia nominated Keith. Heather nominates Virginia. So the conspiracy is on! I think Keith is going. Interesting. Keith is the most seasoned and worked, while Virginia is the most pampered & seems to be coasting along. If Chef Ramsay is smart, he'll eliminate Heather.

Keith! He's gone! HA! Keith accused Chef Ramsay of having a [beep] (????) on Virginia, and whined of Chef Ramsay being "rude". Well that's over. Day 10 is the finale. Heather vs Virginia. And just like on The Apprentice, all the previous losers are brought back to help either Heather or Virginia. Sigh, why? I wouldn't want my former loser contestants help decide my fate. And once again, the two finalists have to design their own restaurant, and probably most likely have to run around the restaurant and serve the dishes, as well as run the kitchen.

And apparently, after page 155 of this working file for these entries, Word has given up and a window popped and said, "There are too many grammatical error and can no longer display them. Turn on the [fix your own damn errors]". Well fuck YOU, Word! Lazy ass piece of shit program!

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Tuesday August 8th, 2006 |> "Gooey Kablooie and God Damned Motherfuckerness."

There's a few things I've noticed that's peculiar:

I've had a dream in the past week where I starred in my own movie, it had various comedic celebrities including Larry David, and the movie was called "Who Sold Dr. Rudager"

I've had a dream in the past month where I was the next Dalai Lama, and it was weird, because people automatically knew who I was, and they were all nice to me.

I've had 3 people say to me, "we would all welcome German dictatorship."

I am convinced an idea like this has never been done for a comic strip: Peanuts: the adult years. But what could I do with that? Charlie Brown would have terrible hair plugs (just too much space to cover), Lucy would actually be Rosie O'Donnell. What would Linus suck on now? Would he be a porn actor? A U.S. Senator? Would Pig-Pen be struggling with leprosy? Would Snoopy be old, fat, out of shape or have off-spring? Would Peppermint Patty end up as the lesbian we all thought she is? Would Marcie get the job as Doonesbury's four-eyed short shoulder length straight-haired sidekick to Duke? Would Schroeder move back to Germany and start up a Techno band? Would Franklin continue his life as a token?

What would Charlie Brown do for a living? Garbage man? School teacher? UPS driver? "Good grief, I can't even deliver the packages on time without breaking them!" Would he gain a lot of weight, and develop a heavy drinking problem & pill addiction, and star / fail with the local softball team? A lot of questions, but what we do know, is he will have his trademark constipated look.

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Wednesday August 9th, 2006 |> "Simon & Garfunkel - Why Don't You Wash Me.mp3"

Wow, the Cleveland Indians are just worthless this year. Everyone thought they'd be the next big thing. But not me. I knew their bullpen was suspect. They lost two important bullpen guys including a starter that led the league in ERA last year. Wouldn't have repeated, but that's still important pieces missing and they weren't replaced with better talent.

Last night Yankees / White Sox game, in the top of the 7th, the Yankees had a runner on first. Craig Wilson hits a weak grounder to 3rd, toss the 2nd, 1 out, throw to 1st. Runner safe but called out. Joe Torre begins to sprint out of the dugout, only to slip and fall for a good 10 seconds. Watching him get hurt seemed justified until I saw the replay and that he had just cause. You have to wonder if some day baseball will decide to go to computerized umpiring. They have the technology, it's there. It may not happen soon, but sometime in say, the 2020's or 2030's, they'll probably give it a shot.

Last night in the 11th, against the Yankees, Dye hits a line drive to centerfield for a basehit, Iguchi scores and that's a White Sox winner!

Ugh, the Syracuse college football team goes a step in the wrong direction, by eliminating white from its uniforms to this shit. Shit, shit, shit. How in the hell can they like this? It looks horrible. The navy blue looks orange-ish and it's hard to look at. The players said it looks "hot". They seriously need their heads broken open. They said they wanted to "look like the Indianapolis Colts". Yeah, right. Borrowing the UCLA shoulder stripes and putting your hideous color scheme is NOT looking like the Colts! And what was wrong with this, after only a year? Shit.

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Thursday August 10th, 2006 |> "**meekly**: "I feel like screaming...all the time.""

So what's the deal with IMing in movies & t.v. shows? When they're instant messaging, why always is the incoming message show up on the screen one letter at a time instead of a full sentence? Is there some kind of fancy IM program we don't know about?? And the whole idea is quite flawed, actually. The backspace key is vital in IMing. How many times have you hit the backspace key when you realize of what you're going to say is going to completely infuriate your buddy *or* will incriminate your ass? Many less times than you did.

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Friday August 11th, 2006 |> "Today's Phlegm Levels are: High "

Well today I broke another personal record. I beat my old record of like 138, which was done in an old University of Milwaukee-Wisconsin building, a small bowling alley that had like 2 or 4 lanes & we had to keep tract of our own scores (I didn't score myself so there was no cheating) and was done in the presence of Mike. Bowling on another set of really old lanes, I bowled a 149. If I hadn't completely botched the 10th frame, I could have pushed 160. And if it weren't for my complete lack of the ability to pick up a spare, I would had been pushing 200. I should also mention that I go years in between bowling outings. I have to say, after my past weekly bowling outings, I've raised my average of 86 to about 120. My pro's: I tend to average about 3.5 strikes per game. I have decent ability to pick up splits. My con's: picking up spares is difficult. I tend to throw gutter balls since my mechanics tend to breakdown during the follow-thru. I'm currently working on two forms, one is an arm drop-dead-straight soft-ball style toss, and the other includes a high leg follow-thru which the ball rolls with a curve. It's basically like throwing a really slow baseball slider. I feel more comfortable throwing with the curve, since I don't "drift" when my weight suddenly shifts when I softball it. Plus there's the thought of my shoulder dislocating when I drop down which is an unpleasant and distracting thought. Oh, and it also helps that you find a bowling alley that doesn't have that cosmic bowling shit, and $2 games.

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Saturday August 12th, 2006 |> "...really want to poop on youuuuuu. Oh, my sweet Lord."

Oh god, no more crazy shit, please.

Seriously, I really need to stop eating before going to sleep, and putting spices on my food then. Spices especially, are starting to have an LSD affect on my dreams, because these dreams are getting more intense and more trippy each time.

People talk about the good 'ol days of baseball. Here's some things we never see anymore. Scheduled doubleheaders. 2 for the price of one. 7 hours of baseball, if you could stand it. I don't know why baseball stopped scheduling these, either because they weren't making as much money the 2nd game in concessions, or the fact that like 80% of all doubleheaders are split, thus a waste of time. Another thing you don't see, is the firing of managers as much during the season anymore. The reason for this, is minority race groups have made it a crime to "fire a manager & hire another one promptly because 'not all of the proper candidates (those particularly of color) have been contacted & interviewed'". It seems it's more important to make things more complicated, have teams in fear, and unnecessarily slow down things & prolong mediocrity because of ethnicity. Is this really progress?

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<| Sunday August 13th, 2006 |> "noise is a writer's worst enemy."

And what's the deal with the show House M.D.? Are they just trying to make it the most unrealistic medical drama ever?? Do the writers have a huge medical dictionary and just randomly flip thru to give some unknown disease its 15 minutes of fame?

Dr. House: "You have contracted the same disease that killed President William Harrison. It hasn't been seen in over 165 years It was known as Squirtenoxiterious It was a rare disease that was contracted in the Northeastern states during the late 1830s. "

Sick patient: "I thought he died of pneumonia?"

Dr. House: "History books lie, or historians wouldn't know a mosquito bite from a bee sting."

Sick patient: "Boy, that doesn't sound right at all."

Dr. House: "You'll be cured by the morning. Now I'm going to go pop some pills and tell some unfit mother why she has no business procreating because she's secretly using birth control pills to negate the fertility treatments."

What's next? The disease that killed the dinosaurs or Ghandi? Herpes that induces Polio? Bed bugs bites who cause a constant & continuous erection? You bet!

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Monday August 14th, 2006 |> "ah hangover, the only time when I can actually hear well."

The season finale of Hell's Kitchen. You had your recaps, your phony press conference, blah blah blah. And once again, that slut Virginia won the 1st task with an 11 to 10 margin of people preferring her chicken to Heather's bass. The two hour finale consists of where the two finalists get their own kitchen & half of the entire Hell's Kitchen restaurant, which a team of designers design the dining area based on each chef's preference. They teased us with this drama that the designers were "way behind schedule" but everything was super once the doors opened to customers.

Six expelled cast members returned: Keith, old biker chick, Garrett, Tom, Sara & idiot Gacamole. Each got to pick 3 to help her with her kitchen that night. Virginia picked Keith, Tom & Gagomold, and Heather picked Garrett, Rachael & Sara. Keith: "I'd rather be on Heather's team. Virginia doesn't deserve it." Sure, she picked two of the worst chefs and one of the best in Keith, but he had a thing for Heather. Basically, Heather had almost all her friends and Virginia had none, and had to bribe her team with a $1,000 each. I don't think they got the money. The service was pretty much boring as hell, with Ramsay not doing any screaming or punching or throwing. Tho clumsy sweaty fat Tom didn't burn himself this time, but he accidentally sliced his finger open. Yeah, watch him bleed!

Tho one disturbing moment, which happened the morning of the big event, is when Virginia apparently picked up one of her many & large stuffed animals in her dorm, and started talking to it in this weird high voice in some strange language we've all never heard of. While Heather may have a psychotic bi-polar disorder, Virginia seems to have major character identity & lapse of reality issues. And once again, they made it seem like Heather screwed up the most, but Virginia and her inferior crew took forever to get the shit out, and one fish dish got returned & could not be replaced due to it being understocked.

So after the service, both women went upstairs to the 2nd floor of the restaurant, where they stood behind two doors & were given keys. Only one key would open, and the winner would walk across this balcony to where all their family, friends and ex-contestants would cheer the winner. Knowing this, you turn the key when Chef Ramsay says "3". Taking no chance, I would have kicked the door open anyway or broken thru the glass.

Chef Ramsay: "You fucking ruined EVERYTHING you stupid crazy fuck!"
Dolph: "Yes! Yes! I am the winner! I won it all! I'm the best there ever was!!"
Chef Ramsay: "No, you stupid fuckin' wanker!!! You're supposed to turn the key!! The KEY!!!!"
Dolph: "I am so great, I am so great, everybody loves me I am so great!"
Chef Ramsay: "NO! Get back in the fuckin' line! You RUINED Hell's Kitchen!"

So ya, Heather won, that bitch. It wasn't even close. A Keith vs Heather final would had been much better. But Keith signified everything that's wrong with America: underwear up to the waist, pants hanging down near the knees, crooked hat, half-awake, mouth constantly open for flies to come in, slow, has a bad attitude and overall stupid jackass demeanor, and that's just not cool with Chef Ramsay. You have to be loud, crazy, mean-spirited and be able to move your ass. It was kind of a letdown. But the stupid preview of Keith smiling and clapping right after the winner was announced was shown after the 1st hour, and pretty much confirmed Heather would win, because nobody wanted Virginia, or as Keith referred to as "Chef Ramsay's hard-on", to win. So Apparently this shit was all taped 3 months ago, when the show ended with Heather in Las Vegas meeting her new cooking crew that she will be leading in her billion dollar restaurant. Of course if she sucks, they can always fire her ass. And still no word on last year's winner. Fucking SHUT IT DOWN.

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Tuesday August 15th, 2006 |> "Tim McCarver didn't wear a mask or helmet when he was a catcher."

Three days late, apparently evil Krispie Kreme is opening some stores in China because its stock is plummeting, Americans don't like that sweet sickening shit, and we're all about low carbs. So what do I see on the tv screen? Two fat guys who own Krispie Krap opening a store with a bunch of skinny Chinese people, soon to be fat Chinese people.

It's bad enough we poison ourselves with shitty food and our obscenely large assortment of Hollywood entertainment, but now we're spreading it around the world. Somehow I predict a huge China health crisis in the next 50 years: "Life expectancy in China has dropped from 85 to 32. Some experts say it was an evil American plot to take down the Communist country."

And what's the deal with the show Prison Break? What is the whole point of the show? Breaking out of prison? You know he's just going to keep getting breaking out and being sent back to prison. I mean, what's he going to do? Start his new life in a new state as a K-Mart cashier? Uh oh, somebody found out who he was, and he's on the run again!

And there seems to be a lot of chocolate commercials on tv. Listen people... the high fat / saturated fat cancels out any of the good that chocolate brings. Chocolate = bad!

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Wednesday August 16th, 2006 |> " 'Woman, You Are Noise Pollution', just hit #1 on the charts."

I just read one of the most sickening things ever:

"The reason for the new refs uniforms are the old jerseys anyone could copy because the NFL had no copyright on them (aka the Miller light commercials) The NFL had reebok come up with uniforms it could copyright so that Miller light and other companies couldn't copy the uniform without paying the NFL."

That is disgusting. And it doesn't matter, they should still use the old design because everyone who's seen a football ref in the past 80+ will know what it means, and not the new horse jockey design. The NFL is probably the worst dressed uniforms in the Big 4 sports & are trying to milk out as much money as possible.

Reggie Bush of the Saints got fined by the NFL for wearing an Addidas cleat instead of a mandated Reebok cleat (somebody forgot to inform the NFL Reebok and Addidas merged last summer!) But if you do wear a non Reebok cleat, you're supposed to tape up the logo. It's like Nazi-Germany, man.

Hallo! Sieg heil! Alle Hagel zu Nazi-Deutschland! Nehmen Sie auf Ihre Schuhe auf! Vertuschen Sie jenes Firmenzeichen! Zu viele Streifen zeigend! Beten Sie den Nike swoosh an! Firmenzeichen, das zeigt: nehmen Sie es auf auf! Hineinstecken jenes Hemd! Halten Sie jenen Feiertanz sofort auf! Offsides! Strafe! Wir alle willkommene deutsche Diktatur!

(Hello! Sieg heil! All hail to Nazi Germany! Tape up your shoes! Cover up that logo! Too many stripes showing! Worship the Nike swoosh! Logo showing: tape it up! Tuck in that shirt! Stop that celebration dance! Offsides! Penalty! We all welcome German dictatorship!)

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Thursday August 17th, 2006 |> "It's not too early in the morning to look for porn, is it?"

During a Cubs telecast.....

Len Kasper: "There's TONS of people you can unload your Cubs tickets to! Whether it be your boss or your clients, or your teachers, classmates, co-workers, your police man, your bartender, your minister, your dog catcher...."

Brenly: "There's really no limit on who you can give them to!"

Kasper: "...and your bus driver and your beer vendor or your gypsy or your painter or your gas man or your Dalai Lama'..."

Brenly: "Anybody can take those Cubs tickets off your hands!"

Kasper: "....and your neighbors or your pets or your loved ones or your hated ones or your elderly or your limo driver or your butcher or your...."

Brenly: "There's really no limit on who you can give them to!"

Kasper: "or your chiropractor or your rice man or your cutting friend or your colored friend or your prostitute or your milkman or your...."

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Friday August 18th, 2006 |> "get out of the way, or you'll be one very broken old man."

Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry on phone: "yeah? hello? Yeah I know we still suck. I know Aramis Ramirez sucks. No upper body strength at all. At least his back acne cleared up. Yeah, I know we still suck. Thanks for telling me again, Dolph. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I know what team you like. I'm hanging up the phone, now."

**a minute passes**

GM Jim Hendry on phone: "yeah? hello? no I don't make pizzas. Damn it, Dolph! Yes, I know Pierre just ran us out of the inning. I know we still suck. Get off the line, Dolph! I'm trying to make waiver deals!!! What? Huh? it's rookie O'Malley's debut, and he's at the 140 pitch count?? WHAT??!! I'm hanging up the phone, now."

**a minute passes**

Jim Hendry on phone: "yeah, what? DOLPH! I KNOW Dusty sucks! Yes I know who your favorite team is. No the number 7 is not wonderful. No I don't like running the most futile franchise in sports history. No I don't think I should quit! Because. Because. Because. Well okay, nobody else wants this job. I'm hanging up the phone now. What? Oh I know Ernie Banks needs to get a life. Ever smell his breath? It's like death. Okay. Uh huh. Yes, the plans for a new dome stadium still are in place. It's just a matter of legislature and taxpayer funding and... Yes it is confirmed. Yes I know we still suck. I'm hanging up the phone, Dolph! What? You do what?? What? What's a 'blog' ? Wha...."

**Dolph hangs up**

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Saturday August 19th, 2006 |> "Shove it down."

You know what job I'd like to have? Radio baseball announcer. I could call the game any way I wanted, and the listeners would be at my mercy. "Swinnnnnnnng and Ensberg lifts a flyball deep to right, back...it's GONE! homerun! Astros win! Ooooohhh my! Just kidding...he struck out. We're going to the 10th."

Ah, I can see the flowing of hate mail. "Call the game like it is, you sadistic jerk!!"

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<| Sunday August 20th, 2006 |> "Does the West Nile Virus move east?"

I'd like to see any pitch in any location that's over the plate called a strike.

I'd like to see this experiment done for one exhibition game, tho the pitchers would most likely throw the ball 8 feet in the air every single time, but then there's the risk of throwing it over the catcher's head.

But I would like to see a strike zone from the top of the head to the ankles. This biting corners shit is getting really old. If there was a bigger strike zone, the games would move along quicker, there'd be a lot more swinging & excitement, and games wouldn't take 3-4 hours to play. Plus we probably wouldn't be seeing starters hit 80 pitches by the 5th inning.

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<| Monday August 21st, 2006 |> "I'm too ooooooooold to rock out!"

This entry will not be dedicated to Hell's Kitchen because the program has ended!

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Tuesday August 22nd, 2006 |> "dial up internet? is it 1994 already??"

This entry has been dedicated to not turning on the local news, because it's the same stupid shit every single day and is a waste of my time.

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<| Wednesday August 23rd, 2006 |> "head's up! it's a closed bar!"

This entry has been dedicated to making shitty one-sentence blog entries.

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<| Thursday August 24th, 2006 |> "Peanuts Special: "it's your first hernia, Charlie Brown!""

Wednesday night at Wrigley Field, right before the singing of the 7th inning stretch "Take Me Out To The Ball Game".

"Attention Cubs fans, please welcome tonight's conductor, long-time baseball announcer and at 95 years old, Jerry Halas!"

crazy old man Halas: "What the hell is this thing I'm holding??! a 1, a 2, a 3! Goddddd, dammmmmn these fuck-king coccccksuckerrrrrrrs. Godddd damnnnnn their fuckkkkkking god's. Buy me some whippersnaaaaaaps and some peiners, Iiiiiiii uhhhhhh uhhhhhh mfffffff mfffff aaaaah uhh fuckkkkk yaaaaah blah. Gotta poo, poop poop for theeeee man. Fuccck shittt assssss bitttch, pissssssss. Ah, ahhhhhh, ah flooper bluuuues tabllllllle fuckkkkk yaaaa OH YEAHHHHHHHHH! OHHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHHH C'MONNNNNNNN!!!!"

**crowd boos**

Bob Brenly: "I think we've witnessed the death of the 7th inning stretch at Wrigley."

Crazy old man Halas: "Fuck YEAH! That was fuckin' cocktacular!!!" **spits**

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Friday August 25th, 2006 |> "Peanuts Special: "Heil Hitler, Charlie Brown! �1941""

This entry has been dedicated to the ability that everyone can walk on water....when it's 32 degrees or cooler outside.

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<| Saturday August 26th, 2006 |> "those fucking god damn customers!"

This entry has been dedicated to nothing.

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<| Sunday August 27th, 2006 |> "c'mon, c'mon get to the bullshit!"

Yeah I watched the 58th primetime Emmy awards. I don't ever watch award shows because well, they're award shows. And only did because fucking Fox ran that god damn Star Wars movie shit, thus killing all my Sunday night comedies. Conan O'Brien hosted (who is like a God in my country!) and man, he did some great bits, including the intro where he's on a plane on the way to host the Emmy's, and it crashes on the island of "Lost", meets the big fat guy, finds a latch, goes down it, and comes through the ceiling from NBC's "The Office", then Conan ran out and called the dispatcher on the set of "24", then some other shit, he wound up in South Park, then in the hospital where "House" is (where Conan got examined from head to scrotum) and yada yada yada eventually ended up on stage. Then he did this sing and dance bit about "how NBC is screwed", etc etc.

Then Conan did some bit about how there's no stopping NBC if the Emmy's went on too long. Then introduced that there will be repercussions, and decided to kidnap Bob Newhart, and stick him in a isolation booth with exactly 4 hours worth of air, and he would die precisely at 4:01 runtime. Some winners made quick speeches, others dragged it on long intentionally.

Now on to the awards. There was a lot of shit about how certain shows like "Lost" didn't get nominated, nor did "Desperate Housewives" (rightfully so). Do I really care? No. Did I want the actors on my favorite shows to win? Yeah. Except they didn't. Those awards all went out to shit like "Will & Grace", cable shows and "the Daily Show". And the award for best comedy lead (with a complete joke of Kevin James being nominated, if that tells you how bad comedy is today) you figured Steve Carell, Jason Lee or Charlie Sheen would win (just kidding � not Charlie) or the probable Larry David, it of course goes to cable's "Monk" Tony Shalhoub. Shit, even MadTV won an Emmy, for
Outstanding Music And Lyrics: Episode 1111 Song: A Wonderfully Normal Day. Ugh, I can't believe a Simpson's episode won an Emmy before Family Guy's "PTV" episode. Yeah fuck this shit.

2005 WORLD SERIES

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<| Tuesday August 29th, 2006 |> "Peanuts Special: "You've been subpoenaed, Charlie Brown!""

Jesus, I can't believe 9 runs isn't enough to beat the Devil Rays. They're the Devil Rays!! I see bat-throwing-towards-umpires Delmond Young made his MLB debut tonight. Freddy "the Pothead" Garcia drilled him in the ass on the first pitch. He eventually went 2 for 3. Freddy was given a 7 run lead and he could barely hold it. The Sox starting rotation is obviously shot to hell. When your starters don't go on the DL ever and pitch the entire season & playoffs, they're bound to be worn down. It's weird, but it's actually good for your starters to go on the DL during the season, so they're that much fresher for the playoffs.

And as for Delmond, you bet your ass that during his MLB career, umpires will hold a grudge towards him and he will most likely get tossed out a lot, get balls called strikes and cost his team victories. I haven't seen many incidents with umpires & players over the years (sans Carl Everett in Boston & Roberto Alomar at Yankee Stadium) but throwing a bat at an umpire is not going to be forgotten. You can watch it here: http://cbs4.com/video/[email protected]

And just for the fuck of it, here's a minor league manager going nuts: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0JTaJCiEdM

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<| Monday August 28th, 2006 |> "How many fucking kids do you need??"

Man Monday's really suck without Hell's Kitchen. 2 hours a week for 10 weeks and then it's gone! Where the fuckin' bloody 'ell is my pissed off Scottish chef?? Probably at some log tossing contest.

<| Wednesday August 30th, 2006 |> "Peanuts Special: "You're getting sued, Charlie Brown!""

You really have to wonder if Dusty Baker really wants his job or not. When you're financially set for life and make $4 million a year to sit on your fat ass, the question is, "do you really care?".

This is in light that Dusty stated that "a healthy Derrek Lee would have us 10, 12, 15 more wins", which would put the Cubs only 2 1/2 games behind Cincinnati & their evil mascot in the Wild Card Standings. It's blasphemy to say something like that when your job is on the line and it appears you really don't want to keep it next year. Last night the Cubs committed 4 errors, decided to play exactly 11 innings, blow 2 leads and a blow a save to the Pirates.

Today, they decided to play 11 innings again, get / give up 20 hits, not start Derrek Lee, use the entire bench, use 7 pitchers, and give up 3 runs in the 11th to get swept by the Pirates. Any other manager would had been fired after this game. But not Dusty. Let's just say they don't know what the hell they're doing at the Tribune Co. So that's 6 in a row, 10 of their last 11 lost. Guess the players aren't playing for Dusty anymore.

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Ah it's that time of the year again: Fantasy football. I heard something that over 10 million people play this game. So email your friends and get up your groups and make up your team names. I was thinking about calling mine "Tribe People Eater" with colors of scarlet, yellow and gold. You can see the logo. It's just a quick mock up and crudely drawn in paintbrush, and the arrowhead doesn't look right but who cares.

And we all know what the ultimate goal is: to have a perfect week. Being College football what it is, upsets are inevitable and are tough to predict. And with the glory of that, is tallying a higher point total at the end of the Fantasy season to show your friends & competition that you're smarter & know more about NCAAF than they do, even when you really don't know jack shit.

Coach: "Alright, People Eaters!! We are going to devour the competition!!!!"

<| Thursday August 31st, 2006 |> "I see this van has crashed already."

What the hell?? Donald Trump fired Carolyn??? Apparently Carolyn has turned into a "primadonna" by selling an award winning book and giving $25,000 speeches. You all know Carolyn.... She's the skinny short blonde haired chick that's been Trump righthand woman for his company. I've read parts of his book, and he is really big on loyalty. So obviously it took years for Carolyn to be fucking Trump's righthand woman. So apparently Carolyn could not be reached for business because she was in the middle of one of her speeches which led to her dismissal and the plan is to have Trump's daughter Ivanka take over. This however will not effect the 6th season of the Apprentice, which has concluded shooting in Los Angeles. So apparently, there's two final contestants right now, awaiting the results of their final task...and they won't start showing the season until January....with the live 2-hour finale won't be made until March or April at the earliest. That's crazy that you'd have to wait that long to know if you got a job or not. I mean, what do these final two contestants do all this time?? That would drive me crazy.

2005 WORLD SERIES

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