June 2004 - Untitled Daily Column Project

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Untitled Daily Column Project

///// Tuesday, June 1st 2004 \\\\\ nothing screams "animalistic" like a bow tie

Well the Astros beat the Cubs, which is good, but the Sox lost to the A's in extra innings. The Sox game started 9:00pm and didn't end till around 1am. It's the kind of game where the Sox hung in there as long as they could, but they just couldn't get over the hump. Also in this game, the Sox' Damaso Marte pitching to A's star Eric Chavez in the 12th, was obviously losing his pitching control, threw one pitch about 3 above the batter's head which the Sox catcher had to jump like hell to catch it. A few pitches later, Marte beaned Chavez, which looked unintentional, because it was a tie game and there was nobody on base; and the pitch broke Chavez's hand. Oopsie. Haha.

Other than that, nothing else eventful happened, other than I bought my first music CD today in over 4 years, it being Alice Cooper's "Love it To Death" circa 1971.

///// Wednesday June 2nd 2004 \\\\\ "don't play 'lawyer-ball', Bobby." ~Hank Hill

Well thank you Houston! You beat the Cubs again! But you Oakland A's....you again beat the White Sox in extra innings on a homerun. Shame on you. You're ruining our season! Altho there is something worth mentioning about that Sox / A's game. The game was tied 2-2 in the top of the 9th, White Sox batting, 2 outs, bases loaded, and Aaron Rowand has a 2-0 count. A two and 0 count!!! So what does the dumb bastard fucker do? He SWINGS at the next pitch, a shitty little breaking-ball down low and hits a pussy little groundball to shortstop who gets an easy 6-4 play.

Grrrrrrumph!!! If I was managing that ballgame, there is NO WAY IN FUCKING HELL would i have allowed Rowand to swing on the 2-0 count. You don't let you beat yourself at the game, make THEM screw up and make THEM pay for their mistakes. If i was managing that ballgame, I would have been at the top step of the dugout, shotgun in hand, pointed at my batter. And if he swung & hit that ball, i would have shot him right in the leg and screamed, "NOW try to get to 1st base, cocksucker!"

Of course, my style of baseball managing is be aggressive when there's a crappy pitcher on the mound, but slow the game down if it's late and it's a tie or trailing by a run or 2, and take as many pitches as possible, while taking obvious balls and swinging at pitches close to the plate a la protecting the plate and hitting them foul. Of course, that being the bases loaded, 2 out and the score tied 2-2 in the top of the 9th, with a 2-0 count, standing in the box waiting for balls to be thrown is "lawyer-ball", but I guess you can't be aggressive every time.

///// Thursday June 3rd, 2004 \\\\\ No games scheduled today.

Ah christ. Another Thursday. What is it about Thursdays that suck so much? Is it the crappy shit on tv that night? The fact that almost every single Thursday I keep thinking it's Friday, and I say to people, "what are YOU doing home on a Friday night??" and they reply,

"It's Thursday night, Dolf."

There seems to be a lot of hype surrounding the Kentucky Derby. I suppose it's warranted because it's the Kentucky Derby and all, but I've never actually paid attention to horse racing, but after reading an article about it, I was rather disappointed. Apparently the horses only race 1 1/4 miles in the Kentucky Derby. Haha that's right, "only" (it is a race for stamina). And they only run it once! Now I may not be some fancy big city lawyer, but there just doesn't seem anything that impressive about a horse running a mile and a quarter. Yeah, you train (technically just feed it and sit on the horse) for months and months, run around a track for a minute, and then shoot the horse dead when it loses. Yeah, that's some sport alright. I guess back in the old days before people had television, or radio or cars or electricity, I could see why horse racing could be popular.

And $5 million dollars for one race??? That seems a bit absurd. And does the horse ever see any of this money? Hell no. Maybe I'm not some old crusty wrinkly millionaire, but watching racing horses doesn't do jack shit for me.

///// Friday June 4th 2004 \\\\\ unnecessary surgery

George Costanza: "I am not here for rage. I'm here for revenge."

oh L.A. Dodgers centerfielder Milton Bradley. You win the "Rage-a-holic" award for June! To better explain what happened, allow me to quote:

"Bradley was ejected by umpire Terry Craft, apparently over balls-and-strikes, as he entered the batter's box in the sixth inning of Tuesday night's 4-1 loss to Milwaukee. Tracy restrained Bradley, who then took off his batting gloves and left them near home plate with his bat and helmet.
The volatile Bradley took his antics a step further. Once reaching the dugout, he grabbed a ball bag and scattered baseballs along the third base line. He picked up one of the balls and threw it into left field warning track before leaving."

Of course, it was a lot more animated that it sounds here, and of course there's two sides to every story, but I believe due to Bradley's reputation of being a rage-a-holic, the umpire probably provoked him. Of course, If I was a baseball player I think this column would look something like this:

"Man that fucking umpire is a fucking idiot. The ball was obviously at least 6 inches outside but the fucker called it a strike! I slammed the bat down on homeplate and turned around and started yelling at the umpire, "that was a ball." He immediately threw me out of the ball game and I exploded. I got up right into his face and kept saying "no no it was a strike, no no it was a strike."

For a few seconds, the reality set in and I felt embarrassed that I was thrown out of the game. I took a few steps towards the dugout until something came over me. It was rage-a-hol. I quickly ran back to the ump and with his back turned to me, I kicked him squarely in the asshole.

He jumped up for a second and was unbalanced, but I was so pissed I then pushed down the ump, and started kicking him in the back, legs and stomach with my metal spikes.

"You fucking idiot! You fucking idiot! You stupid fucking god damn idiot! What the fuck is wrong with you??!" I said as I repeatedly kept kicking the umpire. And as i continued to kick the umpire in the back, I got tackled by players, they grabbed me, but I spat in their faces and started kicking them too..until i broke free and started more fights.

It really didn't matter who I was fighting at this point. I was so hyped up on rage-a-hol. I cannot live without rage-a-hol! Of course, this is nothing new to me. I play shortstop, and many, many times I have seen baserunners of the opposing team get stolen bases which they didn't earn or got called safe when they were really out. I have been suspended and heavily fined a few times for kicking ballplayers in the asshole after they got the basehit for the go-ahead run while they were standing on 2nd base. But I didn't care. They're an asshole, they're an opponent, and they're trying to beat my team. I won't stand for that. I'm a rage-a-holic."

-o-

Meeting leader: "Welcome to Rageaholics anonymous..."
George Costanza: "I'm not here for rage. I'm here - for revenge!!!"
Meeting leader: "Excuse me, we have a no yelling policy at these meetings."
George Costanza: "Excuse me, am I talking to YOU, PINHEAD?!! AM I?!!"

///// Saturday June 5th 2004 \\\\\ A day not pooping is.... someone else's life.

The following is something I drew out of boredom:

I call it "the Conan in 30 seconds". Apparently this is what I came up with drawing in Paintbrush with only the line tool after watching Conan O'Brien. It only took about 30 seconds to draw, maybe only 15 (or 10), and this is the second version of it; the first one made him look too fat. Shrinking it down for IM icon purposes doesn't do it justice.
But suffice to say, good art really does move me.

6-4-04

Yeah. It's pretty bad, and you probably can't tell who it is. It was drawn with the line tool in Paintbrush... tho the next version (scroll down) is much, much better.

///// Sunday June 6th 2004 \\\\\ "you can be the crappy Beatle."

Gee Billy Koch. How did I know that with the White Sox have "only" a 4-2 lead in the bottom of the 9th and one out; that you'd *somehow* blow the game???

"Hi! My name is Billy Koch and I'm an idiot! I don't like retiring batters in the 9th inning 1-2-3 in a row! I think I'll give up a few basehits, and I'll deliver to home plate really slow so the runners have a better chance of stealing 2nd or 3rd base! Then I'll give up a few runs, just to make the game more interesting and to piss off my manager! Hoy boy oh boy! Is he ever pissed! Let's see...now the tying run is at 3rd base and the winning run at 2nd base.. Hmmm... maybe if i barely grip the ball, maybe I'll somehow throw a strike that way. ***delivers the pitch. ball lands 10 feet outside of the plate and rolls to the backstop. Tying run scores and winning run advances to 3rd***

"Hmmm. Well that didn't work! Hmmm! Well, let's try this.. I'll throw 4 straight balls either in the dirt or near the batter's head! This will fool him and he'll strike out!! Haha it's a fool-proof plan! ***throws 4 straight balls. winning run comes to score***

"Hmmm! Maybe I'm just a stupid fucking IDIOT!!!!"

///// Monday June 7th 2004 \\\\\ chicken and cheese do not go together.

Well the White Sox have the day off, and they will begin playing the Phillies for 3 games in Chicago and the Cubs will be playing another 4-game series against the St. Louis Cardinals.

-o-

child #1: "I heard your dad went into the liquor store and then he drank the liquor store and then he threw up on the liquor store."

child #2: "Hey! Just because my dad is Irish doesn't mean he's bad!"

-o-

teenage female at opened front door: "Hi! do you need a baby sitter?!"

mother: "No, sorry. We ate our babies."

**slams door**

///// Tuesday June 8th, 2004 \\\\\ pitch until it hurts

Today was the day of the sandwich. For lunch, I had the Ozzie Gullien (White Sox manager) Southsider sandwich from Subway. And who da' thunk it, it was fucking awesome! I've been pretty disappointed with Subway over the years, that being they're cheap with their meat distribution, their veggie ingredients tend to mesh in altogether in the flavor, and they have never had white bread when I went there (i once was forced to get roast beef on honey wheat bread. Puke! I couldn't believe it, it was 6pm, they had like 8 kinds of bread and all they had was honey wheat)

But not today! The Southsider Sandwich, comes with cheese, roast beef, turkey and bacon! Eating healthy never tasted so good! I got mine on white bread (yay!) with lettuce, tomatoes and white sauce (which turned out to be Ranch). My god, it was an awesome 6" sandwich for $2.99. And of course, as always, the cruelest marketing trend in the world, it's "for a limited time only!"

Mmmm. bacon.

///// Wednesday June 9th 2004 \\\\\ "hey kids! let's all go to eat at Carby's!"

kid # 1: "I want some pasta and bread!" kid # 2: "I want french fries with the potato platter!"

Wow... this whole trendy carb diet is getting out of hand. I know it's the "flavor of the month" diet, I just don't think eating a diet full of cheese, greasy meat and super-salty cold-cuts is exactly healthy. Tho eating a diet like this, things often over-looked are fat, saturated fat and of course, the ever boiler of heart-busting blood pressure: sodium. Sodium is a wonderful food ingredient ..it makes things taste good. Apparently a "healthy" daily dose of sodium is around 2500 mg, but a typical can or brick of soup has about 2200 mg of sodium. Most people typically eat about 5000mg to 20,000 mg of sodium a day. Any sandwich from any fast food restaurant has at least 900mg to 2000mg. And of course, if you snack on any potato chips, pretzels or peanuts...you're really pushing your fucking luck.

Every diet is different and lacks something. This no-carb thing lacks the vitamins and nutrients (or something) of something, I don't know... probably variety. There's the 4-gallons of water a day diet, the chocolate and ice cream diet (the one most women have chosen), the "let's eat at Mcdeth 3 times a day every day" diet, the coffee and cigarettes diet; and my personal favorite: the all-Cheetos and soda diet.

Perhaps a person isn't supposed to "live" off the no-carb diet for their whole lifetime.. but I think everyone (including babies) should try this no-carb diet for a few weeks. I've done it. And I've lost weight. Of course, when you quit this diet, you may experience a craving for bread which when you finally eat it, it can /or will lead to hallucinations / orgasms.

///// Thursday June 10th 2004 \\\\\ "there sure are a lot of stains on the ceiling."

The Cubs won today and it made me sick. Well the White Sox game got rained out, but it's all good, because that means their 5th starting rotation spot gets pushed back until at least June 19th. Of course, it being a bogus-bullshit-Bud Selig "Interleague" match-up, the White Sox don't play the Phillies again this season, nor will they until 2007. So the fate to be determined of this game? "Let's wait until the end of September to see if either team is in contention.".

Alright, normally, teams would make up this game sometime on an off-day in August or September. But apparently some dipshit genius (a computer, actually) the schedule maker gave the Sox only one off-day in September and only 3 in August. Apparently there's a rule in baseball that teams cannot play more than 20 straight games without an off day... and playing in any of the August or September off-days would violate this. And apparently, playing in any of these off-days would be consecutive games streaks of like 27 to 37 games. Which of course, that's sooooo tooooough on these poor-baby multi-millionaires who drive Jags and only have to play 3 hours a day (assuming they're actually playing), and get to eat steak every night while they hang out with their dumb bimbo prostitutes / wife.

Yeah, there's nothing like Interleague games to screw up the competitive balance in baseball. Back in my day, teams played a balanced schedule, which meant you only played the teams in your league (either 12 or 14 teams) and you played those teams all exactly 11 or 12 times each. Now, teams play their division rivals 19 times, teams in the other two divisions 5 to 9 times, 3 times against 4 teams in the other league and 6 games against your "Geographical Rival" whether you have one or not. The result of this mess? Too many visits from boring division rivals, sudden erratic games against opponents your team has never seen, and a bunch of bullshit that pisses off traditionalists. I don't think any National League team is thrilled about having to play the Yankees nor is any American League team thrilled about seeing cry-baby Captain Steroids Barry Bonds hit against their team.

And of course, Interleague Play will always be here, because somebody always pisses their pants when the Mets play the Yankees or some drunk pukes when the Cubs play the White Sox.

///// Friday, June 11th, 2004 \\\\\ "big 'o grease bucket of Red-Neck Chicken."

What do you do when you having nothing inspired or interesting to write about? You talk about the one boring thing you know most of: baseball. Or you talk about your boring day and the idiots in it, or you bitch about something you read or saw on tv. Or you just flake-out and tell a joke or two. What I'm going to write about today is uncertain. It's like hopefully your head will clear up and something creative will come out. Sometimes it takes minutes...sometimes it takes days. But sometimes, when you've fallen behind like a week for a certain daily column, it's time to take some bulimic journalistic action and force yourself to puke up some words!

Ah yes, asshole Lakers fans. Asshole Lakers fan Jack Nicholson. Why don't you sit down, take off your stupid god damn sunglasses and shut the fuck up and watch the game?? Oh look at you, you're a whining cry-baby asshole because the Pistons handed the Laker's nuts on a platter.

Tonight the Sox lost to the Atlanta Braves but I watched a wonderfully pitched Cubs / Angels game (which of course the Angels won / Maddux lost). Lately I haven't been able to watch any baseball games because I don't have the patience nor the boredom to, but tonight was the exception. Of course, there were bathroom and food breaks, because it's impossible to literally sit down and actually watch something for 3 straight hours. Oh, how sorry I feel for those who saw the movie "The Titanic". You know, I might actually watch that movie if Celine Dion's ear-shrieking-singing-voice-that-drives-people-to-murder wasn't in that movie. Tho if i watched the movie, afterwards I'd write a review of it, post it on here and give away the ending. I should warn you i do stuff like that, tho you won't be forewarned at all.heheh.

///// Saturday June 12th 2004 \\\\\ "Oww!!! My rotator cuff tore in half!!!"

Hardball III review - 1994 by Accolade

Ah, the game I wasted my mid-teen youth on. I had spent many-a-hours playing this game. Somehow i found the time to play a full 162 game season where i went 162-0. Just for the fuck of it, i started playing this game again. And surprisingly, it took me about 60 games to get back into the flow of flawless playing. Of course, I haven't played the damn game in 10 years, so that's understandable.

.But anyways, here's my review of this game. Don't watch baseball on tv whle playing this game, it will screw up your flow...but I do it anyway. My team is the 1993 White Sox on Hardball III. My starting shortstop is managing the real White Sox right now as well as my starting 2nd baseman is a 3rd base coach on the real White Sox. Complaints? hmm... after being issued 3 times, they still didn't correct that Three Rivers Stadium is incorrectly also the Cincinnati's Riverfront Stadium. There are of course, no trades, no minor leagues, no injuries, no play-by-play announcing, no way to check for league-leaders in stats unless you visit every team and highlight every single player

Tho at the time, it was named "The greatest baseball video game ever". This game also seems to have a nasty little habit of throwing the wrong base at times. Also, you can only play one season at a time and of course they don�t carry over, so you have to reset everything. This game is too easy during the course of a 162-game season. After 30 games, my entire team was hitting well over .400 (of course my team doesn't take any walks, it's swing, swing, swing!) sometimes i'll totally half-ass it just to make the pennant race interesting (and yes, there *is* a pennant race in this game, no stupid 3 divisions in each league no stupid wild card).

Cecil Fielder sends a ball towards left field in Tiger Stadium during Homerun Debry. The ball didn't make it Perhaps some more double cheeseburgers would have helped??

Doing things like... not executing the hit-and-run...hitting into intentional double and triple plays... leaving the pitcher in while he's past being fatigued and exhausted.. having the lead-footed 3rd baseman attempt a stolen base in a critical situation...

Tho this game does have homerun derby, which you get points for distance and a cool 1000 for a HR.. and you can change your uniforms colors and logo, and edit player's names, numbers and stats (something unheard of at the time). Plus you have the option of a batting view, either from the pitcher's mound (like on TV) or in the eyes of the catcher.

Future Hall of Famer George Brett of the Royals hits a homerun to left-center field over Future Hall of Famer shortstop Ozzie Smith of the Cardinals at an astroturfed Royals Stadium.

Graphics--wise...you can tell everything is very pixelated... Batters and pitchers consist of square boxes of color... it's 16-bit graphics, man!

So pull up your stir-ups, and take a trip out to Municipal Stadium, Arlington Stadium, the Astrodome, and swing for the fences in the Kingdome, Atlanta Fulton County Stadium, Tiger Stadium and County Stadium in Milwaukee! Or try to pitch a no-hitter with 46 year old man Nolan Ryan in Three Rivers, Riverfront or Mile High Stadium!

Overall the gameplay is pretty fun, you still need good hand-eye coordination, but you better listen to some music or watch tv while playing because the game is very, very silent.

I give it a solid 6 out of 10. And what does that mean? Who the fuck knows. And why did I write about a video game that has little to no interest to anyone else and probably will never been played again by anyone? Who the fuck knows.

///// Sunday June 13th 2004 \\\\\ "no dying in machines."

Today the Angels got screwed!!! I can't remember which Cubs player who was supposed to be out at 2nd, nor do i remember the score or the inning because this game went over 5 hours and lasted 15 innings, but I do remember that the 2nd base umpire being wrong and that I want to kick this umpire right in the fucking ass. The White Sox won 2 out of 3 against the Braves and will go to Miami on Tuesday to play 3 against the World Champion Marlins while the Cubs go to Houston to play a 4 game series against the Houston Astros (again.).

///// Monday June 14th 2004 \\\\\ T-Bone!

There was a whole page article in the Sunday Chicago Tribune about how these adults formed dodgeball leagues and shit, which this story ran due to the movie Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story coming out this weekend. The article was mostly about how fun the game is to play, but then, of course, there's the part where these pansy-ass P.E. Teachers who say "dodgeball is morally wrong and it hurts people" and this stupid P.E. teacher recalls the time where he asked a very fat four-eyed girl to participate in dodgeball....and she ends up getting hit in the face with the ball, her glasses cut up her face and she's all bloody, and the teacher goes "this isn't why I became a teacher." Then he talks about how he does all this wussy crap like yoga and shit in gym class, and is happy that dodgeball is banned in 10 states.

Now, I loved dodgeball in school. In elementary school, we had hard red rubber balls and in middle school, it was mostly foam balls, covered with red plastic; some heavy foam, some light foam. The way we played: segregated the class in half and spreaded out in each half... then slowly the teacher started rolling out the dodgeballs...one every minute or two. If you got hit with the dodgeball, you had to run foward to the side to the end of the gym, turn around, and wait for one of your teammates to toss you a ball from half-court but you had to catch it in the air.

In dodgeball, the four-eyed..the fat and the slow were to be punished. If you're different, you're a target. Bam!! Right in the face! I loved dodgeball because I could throw hard, far and fast (thanks to me pitching a rag-ball / tennis ball against the garage door at the end of my driveway almost every single day for hours) and I knew how to catch. God I miss playing dodgeball. I played handball in high school, which was fun but nowhere near as fun as dodgeball. In school, I remember my favorite sports to play were volleyball, dodgeball, handball and softball. Unfortunately for some god damn stupid reason, most of my life they taught us square dancing / line dancing in gym class almost every year. I mean, what the hell was up with that?

///// Tuesday June 15th 2004 \\\\\ "oh fuckstickles!"

"Hey kids! It's time for the "Heart of a Cubs Fan Essay Contest" ! Find out how a number two pencil can help you. Win the grand prize: Throw out the ceremonial pitch on Swedish Covenant Hospital Day at Wrigley Field! Pour your heart out. You know every name, you know every number. They're part of your heart and soul. They Define you. You are a Cubs fan. In 250 words, write what it feels like to be there � year after year � thinking "This is our year". Tell us about an unforgettable moment; the one that marked you forever as a Cubs fan."

And no, this is not a joke. This is from a real ad from Tuesday's Chicago Tribune sports section. I of course have decided to write my own essay and send it in. Let's see what happens.

"Wrigley Field is a smelly old pisshole full of stupid & loud obnoxious fans. Mark Prior is an asshole and Sammy Sosuck uses steroids & Moises Alou pisses on his hands. The beer is too warm and flat. Chip Caray is a fucking idiot. The Cubs are a cursed team and they will never win another World Series ever again. I hope Mark Prior's rotator cuff tears in half and that Carlos Zambrano catches a line-drive ball right into the neck or that somebody kicks the shit out of him with a baseball bat, that rag-a-holic asshole. Todd Walker should have stayed in Boston that stupid asshole.

The best Cubs moments ever was Sosuck getting hit in the head with a fastball in Pittsburgh, Steve Bartman catching that foul ball, the Cubs losing in the 2003, 1998, 1989 and 1984 playoffs, as well as the 1969 collapse to the Mets and any day the Cubs lose a game. I hope someday Wrigley Field collapses on itself to a big pile of rubble and the Cubs can't play there anymore. Breeding your kids to be Cubs fans is dooming them to a life of harrowing suffering, impotence, brain hemorrhages and lameness.

And I know I'm going to win this essay contest! White Sox rule! Cubs suck. Cubs suck. Cubs suck. Cubs suck. Cubs suck. Cubs suck. Cubs suck. Cubs suck. Cubs suck. Cubs suck. Cubs suck. Cubs suck. Cubs suck. Cubs suck. Cubs suck. Cubs suck. And that's 250 words right........now."

END

Oh good, I can enter this contest online so I don't have to waste a 37 cent stamp. Yes!

///// Wednesday June 16th 2004 \\\\\ "oh fucklesticks!"

Well last night the Detroit Pistons beat the L.A. Lakers in the NBA Finals for the championship. First time an Eastern Conference team won since the 1998 Bulls. Way to go Pistons! You beat a very overly hyped team, and just plain-ass handed their nads to them on a platter. Which of course should shut up all those Lakers fans, but of course it won't, because obviously the world revolves around them. The Pistons played awesome defense, rebounded well, ate the clock and made tons of clutch shots and hacked-a-Shaq.

Now here's a review of a new show I saw tonight called "Quintuplets" starring the great Andy Richter. After his creative show "Andy Richter Controls the Universe" was unjustly canceled and moved around after a very brief stint, this new pile of shit from Fox has him playing the father of five 15 year olds. Very uninteresting...bland....forgetful 15 year olds. This pilot featured a board in the kitchen with stuff written on it, Andy & wife to go a Bruce Springsteen concert (he sucks) and eats a special brownie, the kids have a party and some bitch got called a bitch. Of course, this show has absolutely no potential (i just sounded like a women just now, didn't i?) and of course no business wasting the talents of Andy, he looks more like a school counselor than a father. Of course, this show is doing what it's meant to do: be summer filler. Ratings wise, the only place it has to go is down.

///// Thursday June 17th 2004 \\\\\    Sir Farts A' Lot

The Alcoholic Chef Show

**theme music plays**

"Hey! Welcome back to the cooking ssshow! Today we're gonna try to cook a nice red-wine based lasagna and ice cream dessert.

Now the first thing we'll do, is cook some ground beef in a pan of red wine. Now, measuring is not an exact science, so just take a swig and a drop."

"one for you"   **pours wine in pan**
"one for me"   **chugs wine bottle to mouth**
"one for you"   **pours wine in pan**
"one for me. mmm. mmm"   **gulp gulp**

"mmmm..."

**gulp gulp gulp**

**pours the rest of the wine from the bottle to the pan**

"Yes, that's *hic* what we need... lots and lots and lots and lots of wine."

"Now you want to save that greasy wine grease for the bacon and eggs for the next morning."

**cleans hands on a towel**

"So yeah, throw all that meat, cheese and noodles or something, I don't *hic* know; and stir it into a pile of shit into the pan and cook it at 750 degrees for about 8 minutes."

**dumps in a jar of marashino red cherries, olives, lemon wedges into a bowl and pours 5 cups of white wine**

"So now, after soaking our fruit salad in white wine, we'll pull out thissss *hic* lasagna dinner cooking in the oven."

**goes to grab pan out of the oven without oven mitts**

**opens oven, grabs pan of lasanga with bare hands and carries it for 5 seconds**

"....OWWW!!!! **drops lasagna** That pot is fucking hot!! Oh god damn it, man!!!"

**jumps up & falls down**

"Anyways, to a...um... serve with this nice dinner, I suggest a good bottle of 20 year old scotchhhh, and afterwards, a huge bowl of ice ca...cream with at least 18 ounces of rum mixed in with the ice cream. Oh god yes."

**coughs** **falls forward, elbows landing on the counter, pots & pans and plates getting shoved around, some fall the floor**

"Next time we'll *hic* cook a *hic* turkey in the oven drowning in a thick mixture of sugar, whiskey and bourbon and on the sssside, tacos *burp* deep-fried in tequila for the si-ssside platter.   Sa....sa......see ya nesssst week on me ssshhhhoe....ssshoe....show!"

END

///// Sunday, June 27th 2004 \\\\\ The Cubs are the loooooooooooosers!

You see that 9 up there on that scoreboard? All 9 of those runs were earned, and courtesy of Greg Maddux, the future Hall of Famer destroying his career ERA by continuing to pitch. Also, today's game meant the White Sox took two out of 3 from the stupid Cubs! Yeah! And we did it by smacking rage-a-holic Zambrano and pounding the ass of your old man Maddux. And of course, Sammy Sosuck hit two homeruns today for the Cubs, accounted for 3 runs... 3 completely pointless runs. I have a theory, that when Sosa homers in a game, 80% to 85% of the time it has absolutely no impact on the final score at all. Meaning he hit a homer after the eventual winning run scored or it was like today, no impact whatsoever.

And to top it all off, after the game, The (shitty) Seattle Mariners traded us their ace pitcher, Freddy Garcia and a catcher for our catcher Olivio and two minor leaguers. Score! We got ourselves a solid #2 / 3 starter, moving Garland down to # 4 ain't bad and Schoeneweis to 5th. Sweet.

The White Sox are now 1 game out of 1st place with a 39-33 record and the Cubs fell 5 glorious games behind 1st place St. Louis Cardinals with a 41-34 record. The White Sox have Monday off and play the Minnesota Twins for 3 games at Minneapolis and the Cubs have Monday off as well while the beefed-up Houston Astros with Carlos Beltran come to town for 3.

///// Saturday, June 26th 2004 \\\\\ Anus on Fire (around it goes)

Well! Hello Mr. Rage-a-holic Carlos Zambrano of the Cubs! You dragged your ass into US Cellular Field with your N.L. 2nd-best E.R.A. of 2.25 and we were trotting out some kid from AAA who has an MLB E.R.A. of like 11.00, and we were supposed to just lay down and take it in the ass because you're the almighty and powerful Zambrano?

Fuckstickles! 5 earned runs up your ass, fucker! Sox will go for the home series win tomorrow.

The following is a Red Meat cartoon I wrote, which was made at this website. This particular site allows you to write the captions to a group of characters provided. Red Meat is a weekly comic strip found in various newspapers across the world which feature sometimes bizarre humor. I wish I could find the Red Meat cartoons I wrote like 2 years ago, but they're well-buried in a sea of some 50,000 other contributions. Oh well.

Those wondering what old man Wally is doing in the 1st two panels, he is whining; because he is suffering from a lesson learned about eating certain foods late at night.

///// Friday, June 25th 2004 \\\\\ "Jeenus at werk"

Well the Sox did all they could against Prior. They made him throw 99 pitches in 5 innings, but the Sox just couldn't beat the crappy Cubs bullpen. This has not been a good day.

But here's the latest Sox campaign TV commercial. Enjoy.

"The White Sox present ... a comparison. Them v. US.

They: Are loveable even when they lose.
We: Hate losing.

They: Champions in 1908.
We: Champions as recently as 1917.

They: Believe they're cursed.
We: Agree.

They: Got Wood.
We: Got lumber.

They: Have a fan who says, "Woo."
We: Don't.

They: Need tickets? See a broker.
We: Call ***-***-****

Oh ... and the mayor likes us better."

///// Thursday June 24th 2004 \\\\\ "You'd think someone who sells diet food wouldn't be so fat"

Ah shit. While the Sox won tonight and the Cubs lost, I am not looking foward to the weekend series. This weekend, at U.S. Cellular Field in the South Side of Chicago, the Chicago Cubs are playing the Chicago White Sox for 3 games. Some "brilliant genius" came up with the idea of Interleague Baseball (teams in the American League to play National League teams, something that had only been done during the World Series and exhibtion games during Spring Training) and waste 12 to 15 games of the 162-game schedule playing against "spur of the moment" 3-game series playing in a new town against a new opponent who we see only once every 3 years. Interleague Play is a gimmick to make a quick buck. And the only other point of Interleague Play was so MLB could showboat that asshole Barry Bonds around other American League stadiums to generate more false excitement and revenue.

Friends in the Chicagoland & across America of fans of the Cubs or Sox become bitter and hated enemies this weekend. And yes, it is VERY lame to be a fan of both Chicago teams. You either pick one or the other. While people may switch teams, it's always to root for one over the other. How did I originally become a White Sox fan? Fate, I guess. Some people are born into families where members are fans of either the Cubs or the Sox. Here's my story:

"It actually started in 1984 when I was a little kid and was in a McDonalds; having a midweek lunch with my mom. At the time, they had the Cubs / Sox cheap mesh caps for free (i think) promotion going on. My mom asked which cap I wanted, I looked up at the menu with the picture of both caps, the solid blue cubs cap and the white sox home cap with the white front panel/ red brim / navy blue mesh, and I said "Sox cap".

Why I chose that cap... I don't know..because I was completely oblivious to anything that had gone on in '83 in baseball. A few years later, in '87, I started watching Sox games on channel 32 and became more and more interested in baseball. I wanted to go to the games, and I had gotten in elementary school those Straight A / Perfect Attendance White Sox sheets for free seats, but my father was of no help, he said "baseball is fucking stupid / is a fucking waste of time" and refused to take me to Old Comiskey Park, which I'm still kinda pissed about, that fucking asshole. And of course, I never got to see the old park.

As for the cap, eventually the "SOX" stitching faded and the plastic connector strap completely broke / split after I wore the cap so much."

So pretty much, except for a brief lapse of sanity during a brief time period, I've remained somewhat a true Sox fan, even if it's closet-status at times. It's a fact that Sox fans hate the Cubs, but Cubs fans claim they don't give two shits about the White Sox because "we're so inferior." Bullshit. We are just near inferior and while we exist in your large shadow and you are the media darlings of the world; you come to our ballpark just to annoy the shit out of us and relish when your Cubs score a run agianst us or beat the Sox. Don't let any Cubs fan in this town say they don't care about the Sox, because they do; they just won't admit it. And if they really don't care, it's just because they're that clueless. heheh.

And finally, if you were a White Sox fan and your mother was a Cubs fan, would you push her down the stairs? I know I would.

///// Wednesday June 23rd 2004 \\\\\ "I'm going to take down the system within."

Cubs: "Our catcher can't catch!!"

Thanks to an 8th inning pitch that back-up catcher Paul Bako couldn't catch, the winning run on 3rd base for the St. Louis Cardinals scored with no problem while the ball rolled to the backstop and the Cardinals won the ballgame. And of course, Paul Bako would have never even been in the game if Kent Mercker and Michael Barrett weren't ejected after the 7th inning for arguing about balls & strikes. Could it have been fate? I say "yes"!

///// Tuesday June 22nd 2004 \\\\\ Hank Hill: "I love huffing propane."

I guess an 8-0 lead doesn't get you very far these days. Esteban Loaiza of the White Sox had an 8-0 lead after 4 innings and yet, somehow couldn't hold it!! The Sox gave up 9 straight runs and finally tied it and won it on a Panty Hose homerun in the 10th inning. White Sox announcers call Jose Valentin "Josey" (sounds like Hosey). The White Sox continue their 4-game series against the Cleveland Indians and the Cubs begin their 3-game series in St. Louis against the Cardinals.

///// Monday June 21st 2004 \\\\\ When i grow up, i want to be a paperback writer.

And now.........Masterpiece Theatre presents............
A day in Colonel Harland Sander's KFC

"Colonel Sanders walks around his restaurant..."

**curtain opens***

Colonel Sanders: "So there you little punk-ass shit! you like ma' chicken?!"

**bangs cane on chair**

little punk-ass shit: **nods**

Colonel Sanders: "I've been making this recipe every since i was a little fuck sneaking over by the Whore House while lusting after the penny-whores!"

Colonel Sanders: "Yeah!"

**gimps around**

**approaches a family of 4 eating**

Colonel Sanders: "So you little cock-biters enjoying this shit? it's finger clit-licking good!"

**slams cane on table**

**suggestively starts lapping tongue rapidly**

Colonel Sanders: **bursts out laughing**
Colonel Sanders: "Come back soon now, you hear you little cum suckers?!!"

**wanders around**

**employee drops some glasses on the floor**

Colonel Sanders to employee: "What the fuck is this bullshit going on, I say I asked you what the fuck is this bullshit that be going on?!"

employee: **shrugs shoulders**

**curtain closes**

///// Sunday June 20th 2004 \\\\\ If cell phones made people fat, would anyone use them?

Gee Garland, the game is tied 2-2 in the bottom of the 9th against the worst hitting team in the Majors, you've thrown like 100 pitches and you say you're good to go?? Ugh. Bad move, Ozzie. The Sox lost two out of three against the worst team in baseball. Way to go, dipshit.

Now to discuss one of my all-time favorite foods: The Chicago Style Hot Dog. I've had varitions of this wonderful food over the years, but it seems like Portillo's is the only place that has gotten it right. After doing some research, this is the recipe I concluded with to be the most authentic:

The Chicago-Style Hot Dog

For 1 Serving:

1 Vienna Beef Hot Dog
1 poppy seed bun, well steamed
Dash of celery salt
1 heaping teaspoon yellow mustard
Finely chopped onions
4 thin wedges of red-ripe plum tomatoes
1 tablespoon sweet green relish
Long slice of dill pickle
Half a thick slice of cucumber
2 Hot sport peppers, optional

(That's right - no ketchup!! You might get dirty looks in Chicago if you order ketchup on a hot dog!)

Dress the hot dog with all of the ingredients in the order given above. Amounts should be to taste, but the general rule is, don't skimp on anything. It's tough to find Vienna hot dogs and poppy-seed buns in some places, so substitutions can be made but they are only substitutions.

Bon App�tit.

///// Saturday June 19th 2004 \\\\\ Make up a nasty rumor about a co-worker and spread it around

What do you get, when you call up your best pitcher in your entire Minor League system, and ask him make his Major League Debut to pitch against the worst hitting team in baseball? Answer? He gives up 10 runs in 2 innings! But the sad thing is, the White Sox could have actually won this game if it weren't for errors, poor execution and a horseshit bullpen. And what happened to Arnie Munoz? He got sent back down to AA. Guess he wasn't ready for the big leagues. That's why you need to get another quality arm, Sox!! The pattern seems to be "call up a guy, he gets shelled...send his stupid ass right back down!!

Geezus, what a beautiful day it was today, tho! The air was so clean and crisp; with almost no humidty and a High Pressure system dominated the cloudless sky with temps in the low 60s. The air was sweet that felt like it was a Fall weekend day during football season. Ah football, how I miss it. Everytime this year around I get sick and tired of baseball, which I'm sure happens to other people. After reading, hearing and watching it almost every single day for 3 months it begins to get tiresome. Usually there's a big series near the All-Star break in early July, and that's when the 2nd Half of baseball begins where my interest returns and it's time for teams to kick it in the ass and follow the standings and other rivals closely.

Oh and yes, the following Red Meat cartoon I wrote is in some very crude humor & poor taste.

///// Friday June 18th 2004 \\\\\ "She Turned Into Her Mother"

Well the White Sox made the trip up north to Montreal to play the Expos. The team, offfically named "Expositions" named after Expo 67, the 1967 World's Fair held in Montreal. The Expos would begin play as an expansion team in 1969. Those wondering what the hell that Expos logo shown hear (from 1969-1991) is an eMb, which stands for 'Expos du Montr�al Baseball' in French. Where's the "M", you ask? Look at the logo, and completely color & fill it in with blue. There you get a funky blue 'M".

This is of course the last season for the Montreal Expos. This series brings up memories of the could'a been World Series of 1994, which was never played because asshole Bud Selig & baseball went on strike and thus forced the cancellation of the World Series. At the time on the day the strike was called in August, the White Sox and the Expos were the two best teams in baseball. Back in those days, the Expos had built a power-house minor league system that brought up many stars, and millions of fans would come to Olympic Stadium in Montreal to see the Expos play each year.

Thanks to the strike, it destroyed the Expos (and everyone's) season, it pissed off millions of baseball fans (the hardest hit, the Expos) and suddenly each year attendance in Montreal kept plummeting. Thanks to a bastard owner, along with broken promisies of a new Expos ballpark, and failure of TV contracts, suddenly there were no Expos games on TV, and eventually the owner left and the team was sold to MLB, in care of the other 29 owners, which would have to pay like $2 million each to support the Expos. Which of course means, if you owned a share of your competitor, would you put much effort or money into it? Of course not.

So the past few years has left MLB to find the Expos a new home, most likely (and hopefully) Washington D.C., the largest market without a baseball team (since 1971) because the Expos can barely draw 3,000 a game (the average is like 22,000). Apparently the due date for this move has been pushed up to August, and hopefully by then, the Expos will have a new town, a new stadium along with a new name with new colors, uniforms and logos to play in for 2005. My suggestion is the "Washington Nationals", with team colors navy blue, red and white of course.

We will just have to wait and see what happens. The Expos might end up in Virginia, which would piss off those selected fans of a D.C. baseball team / Baltimore Orioles-boycotters. This has been a story I've been following very attentivelyfor at least the past 3 to 5 years.

Oh yes, and I would like to say, "GOODBYE, BILLY KOCH!!" Your stupid ass has been traded to the Florida Marlins! You will never hurt the Sox anymore! Your reign of cursed terror is finally over with us! You're not our problem anymore, Kaptain Khaos!!

"Goodbyyyyyyyyyye, little Betty!"

///// Monday, June 28th 2004 \\\\\ "Hey! You can't bring in outside food at the bowling alley!"

Well the Cubs and Sox have the day off today. The following is an article from a review in the Daily News. Some people just don't get it.

Lizzie McPharter - Daily News Friday, June 25th, 2004

Yes, readers! It's that time again! Oooooh how I love being a Nationally Syndicated newspaper writer where over 17 million people in this area alone read this newspaper!!!! Ooooh how I love the Summer Food Picnic Festival! The annual Festival that brings in over 5 million people during this hot and sweaty summer where people pay $8 dollars for a slice of pizza and other greasy, high fat and high carb foods!! Yummers!!!

Here's some secret tips for the Festival! Shhhhhh!!! Don't tell anyone or it won't work!!! The best times to avoid the crowds is between 10:30am and 11:30, and 2pm to 4pm. Also, there's always places to park within a 10 mile radius, so avoid public transportation that takes you right up to the open gates because that's just pointless!! Also, the best ride at the Festival is the Spine Snapper Roller Coaster!! It's the best because the ride lasts so long and it's just fun!! Oh so much fun!! And my favorite food is the deep fried cheddar cubes wrapped in 6 slices of bacon n' is breaded & is deep fried twice! And you can't miss the cheesecake stand, or the beef sandwich stand, or the chicken fingers stand!!

There is just so much yummy food you just won't have time to visit it all!! So go everyday!!! That's what I do! And bring every single folding chair, picnic blanket, napkin and friend you can find!! More people means more dense, infinite crowds means more fun!!!

And the rules are if you're going bring a backpack, of course, no glasses, plates, containers or alcoholic beverages are allowed at the Festival. Which is a rule worth repeating because you only see it once on a small sign as soon as you walk in, and there's no police enforcement, so remember this, people!!! So don't be doing any pushing or starting any riots or smokin' the reefer because if things get out of hand there will be no one there to stop it so behave!!!

So take your time while waiting in line and walking around while eating your food and talking loudly with your friends and keep blocking the paths because it's a festival, not a speed race for bunnies!!!

This Festival only lasts for 6 days, so get on down thereand have fun!!! <3 <3 <3 !!!!!

END

///// Tuesday, June 29th 2004 \\\\\ horsefeathers

Cheap. It's one of the two magical words that are most used to describe me. All my life I've had cheapness thrust upon me. That's why to me spending any money has to be well-thought out and completely justified, otherwise it's a waste. My life has been forever crippled to the point that I'm a slave to ultra penny-pinching that makes any shopping an extremely stressful and arduous experience.

"We don't buy things unless it's on sale or if we have a coupon!"

I'm all for teaching children the value of a dollar, but my idiot parents took it to the extreme.

"Turn off the light switch when you leave the room!"

Fine, I thought. That makes sense.

"You don't need a fucking light to get up the stairs at night! You know where the steps are!"
"Don't open that fridge door! It costs money!!"

Right. Then how in the hell do you suggest I actually get the food "out" of the fridge? Magic? Using the fridge, especially in the summertime, required arms flailing and swinging the door open & getting the food out in less than 2 seconds.

"I don't care if it's 90 degrees in here! Don't turn on the Air Conditioner! It costs money!!"

Thanks to this wonderful, pointless principle, I've spent hundreds of long, sweaty, sticky sleepless nights in the heat.

"Don't run the dishwasher! It's not completely full! Whatever we can't fit in there we'll wash by hand!"

Yeah, there's nothing like the smell of rotting dishes and silverware in the kitchen during the summertime. And by the way, there's no clean forks or glasses left to use. And I'm not really sure how much more of a value or energy efficient it is to run the dishwasher with 2 or 3 more glasses in it. Oh yeah, that's why....

"Don't open that door! It costs money!!"

///// Wednesday, June 30th 2004 \\\\\   "Who in this class is humming?!!"

So tonight the White Sox trotted out their new starting pitcher Freddy Garcia, which only cost the Sox some potential star players for the future. I'm still not sure how this trade will pan out; especially since we gave up our future catcher and potential right fielder; no matter how shitty Garcia ends up this year, the Sox must resign him.   But tonight Garcia gave up 5 runs (4 earned) and all those runs came home on HR's, But the White Sox won.

Alright, for all you Untitled Daily Column Project fan(s), one of the links on this site has been changed, the Man, Mas N' Steel is the worst is now, with the title I'm assuming, "Chompy Zone" or "Mike's Journal" found at http://chompy.urizone.net/    So there's a plug for you, Mike. Now all the other readers here (one) can keep up with the blazing-supersonic-roller coaster-orgasm that is your life.

Lately I've been thinking about places I'd like to maybe someday live in. I've heard "Virginia" thrown my way a bit lately; tho there are a few things one considers when moving.

Most importantly, is how well the job market is there and what it has to offer. Unfortunately, about 90% of my college degree's industry is here in the Midwest. Secondly, there's climate. The weather is a very big deal to me; as it's always takes up some 8 to 15 minutes of the news here every night. Personally, I'd like to move to a place that doesn't have tornadoes or extreme hot or cold. This of course narrows it down considerably.

Now it's hard for me to talk about places I've never been, but from only what I've read and seen on tv. San Diego, it has probably the best weather in the entire country, and it's got the Padres and Chargers for sports. Tho the cons are, it is in California.

Seattle. From what I've seen, it looks like one of the most beautiful areas with the mountains, forests and ocean, along with a climate that seems to always be around 50 to 80 degrees. Cons are that Seattle is a very expensive place to live, and it raining a lot would get on my nerves. Of course, there's always the suburbs. But the Pacific Northwest seems like a pretty stable place.

Boston. NO-MAH!!! Bean Town. The Red Sox. The Celtics. The Bruins. The Patriots. Clam Chowder. I've heard that for some reason, Boston's streets don't line up. And of course, it's the East Coast, so they're all packed in there like sardines; and they have winter. I hope I don't have to spend the rest of my life shoveling snow and driving on salty & icy roads for 4 months out of the year while the cold wind beats on my face and shrinks my testicles.

Other places I've considered: Phoenix; tho I don't think I could stand the heat and all the fucking snakes and lizards out there. Florida. Haha just kidding. I'd probably hate the constant heat and humidity. Charlotte. I, like millions of other yuppies during the past 10 years, have wanted to move to Charlotte, like the fastest growing city in the 1990s. Why..I don't know..... and I sure as hell wouldn't want to put up with hurricanes every 2 years. St. Louis. Hell of a baseball town, tho the problem is for some reason, it's always fucking hot as hell there.

Places I would never consider living: Texas / any central states (Tornado Alley), the Mountain states, the South, MN, MI, NY, PA, R.I.

And this concludes this column.

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