May 2004 - Untitled Daily Column Project

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Untitled Daily Column Project

~/~ Tuesday May 4th 2004 ~/~ Knuckled under.

Editor: "Rudager! Your column is 3 days late again! Get your shit together!"
Rudager: "Gee, boss. I'd say "sorry" but instead I'm going to say 'fuck you'. You'll get my god damn column when I'm good and fucking ready to!"
Editor: "Very well, then. Carry on."

Tonight the White Sox screwed themselves in the ass by making too many errors and allowing too many unearned runs and lost the 2nd of their 3-game series against the Baltimore Orioles, and the Cubs played the first of their of 3 home games against the Arizona Diamondbacks. But, as it stands on May 4th, the White Sox (16-10) are still the best team in Chicago over the Cubs (15-11).

Last night the Cubs got totally shut down by the knuckleball pitcher of the D-Backs Steve Sparks. Those of you who don't know what a knuckleball is, it's when the pitcher bunches up his index & middle fingers back, and puts the two fingernails on the seam of the ball, and he reaches his arm back during the wind-up, and "pushes" the ball out of his hand to release it with only the thumb, index and middle fingers, instead of just whipping it. The point of this pitch is you can throw it really slow (around 65 to 80mph instead of throwing normal fast pitching speeds of 85mph to 102 mph), it can move around a lot in a matter of inches to fooling the batter, and since it's a rare pitch, the pitcher has the advantage because batters almost never see it.

Also, the technique to the knuckleball that it doesn't spin at all or very little, (unlike almost every other pitch) and it fools batters because it has an erractic arch to the plate and "flutters" instead of being thrown straight. It is the ultimate breaking-ball. It's tough to hit it but it is very hard to catch. The batter's strategy is to sit and wait for the pitch to come and hope you somehow make some solid contact.

Generally the knuckleball pitch has the least strain on the arm, and knuckleball pitchers can pitch for many, many years in baseball, more than not pitch for almost 20 years or around that. Tho while it's a neat pitch, it's also difficult to master, and thus why there's only some 1 to 5 knuckleball pitchers every decade or two. In simpleton terms, a knuckleball is like throwing a boomerang, because nobody knows where the hell it's gonna go or where it's going to land.

~/~ Saturday, May 1st, 2004 ~/~ "Bill, kill that twin-bill."

Uh oh. It's time for another edition of "Ask Porter". Shame.

Dear Porter,

My poodle Snappy just loves to yip and yap all day and night long, it's just so cute! However, my little Snappy has this filthy little habit of going poo-poo in the house! My husband left me about a week after i got precious little Snappy and i haven't slept in two weeks. Any advice for my little boo-boo poochie? ~Cristinia

Dear Cristina,

I hear Furniture polish is tastier than ever these days! Mmm taste that lemon pledge! Have some fun-fun!

-o-

Dear Porter,

A flabba blee blooooo! Eeem ma flabovin da in fa ney kazoooooo! Neeeeah na fla blah bloo. Napaa, napaa! Hebalen floob seepa fryin' pan paz zoba boo. ~ Bob Dylan

Dear Bob Dylan,

No, they shouldn't have ever canceled the Iron Chef.. Thanks for all the years of great music! Keep up the great work!

-o-

Dear Porter,

my wife bitches so much about how her back hurts and her fingernails constantly keep breaking from cleaning the house and taking care of our 5 kids all day after i come home from a hard day of tasting beer at the Beer Factory. Why can't she understand that i really don't give a shit and just need to relax? ~ Mr. Sore Ears

Dear Mr. Sore Ears,

get home, order a pizza with all of your favorite toppings and plop down on the couch, have a cold one and tell the old hen to stop her bellyaching.. the woman will hear that she needs to shut her big mouth up from talking so much. wives love that.

-o-

Dear Porter,

I'm a middle school teacher and one of my students refuses to sit quietly during our hourly film strips everyday and keeps screaming something about "your robbing me of an education" or something, i don't know. I can't make any sense of this. Can you? ~a teacher

Dear Teacher,

Yes, i can! Introduce a new feature preceding your film strips...sedative-laced popcorn! Not only will this snack take care of your lil screaming student problem, but it should make your job a whole lot easier.

And that's all the time we have for "Ask Porter" you sick nutsacks.

~/~ Sunday May 2nd, 2004 ~/~ "Look out, Hemingway!"

really...what is boredom? is it being sick of doing whatever it is your doing for an unspecified amount of time? or is it doing something but doing it really sucks? I remember when I used to kill to be this extremely bored. You drag along through the day, and then, suddenly after having something to do for hours, you're stuck. I guess we all demand exactly 24 hours a day (no not the drug you shithead!) i MUST be entertained all the time, every minute MUST be fun and this better be important!

And could listening to the same songs and the same album over and over for hours on end, make any person crazy? and does it matter whether it's classical music, mellow rock, or theatric classic rock, or disco? I suppose hearing anything more than 5 times in a day (a commercial, a bell ring, a cell phone ring) would annoy the shit out of anyone.

i think confessing is greatly overrated. I went to a confessing site where it's completely anonymous (hopefully) and said something that had been eating at me for over a decade now. I went into detail, how it felt and i felt about it. And surprisingly, i didn't feel at all better. I suppose after having something eat you away for so long, you've subconsciously accepted this secret you're taking to your grave. And while confessing, i have the weird feeling all the time that I'm never completely alone. Whether or not the room is somehow bugged...or there's hidden cameras somewhere, or some relatives "above" or below watching all the shit i do all the time. "Oh you know what your son did on September 13th, 1996?? Well i'm going to tell you!" I sure as hell would hope that dead people's spirits wouldn't waste their time watching my life and then having no way to stop me from what's about to happen or keeping tabs on all the stupid shit I do and say. I also thought about confessing to other shit i've done, but then i thought what the hell good would that be? I've done so much stupid shit that it's not even worth remembering. It took me a long time to learn not to dwell on shit from the past.

and no, there is NEVER a time in my life that i want to see surgery on tv.

~/~ Monday May 3rd, 2004 ~/~ Welcome Back, Richter

The following is a short & quickly written essay I wrote about Major League Baseball and a proposed salary cap / revenue plan to make competition more even & get more fans. It should be noted that the Yankees have a payroll of over $180 million and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays is closer only $25 million & are both competing in the same division.

"A salary cap would NOT solve baseball's problem"

You have got to be kidding me. A salary cap and a salary floor with split NFL-style gate revenue
(I think it's home team gets 60% of the gate revenue, the road team gets 40%) will do wonders. Look at it this way.. there's a Kevin Millwood; a really good pitcher; on the market...and with a cap...say $100 milliion... and suddenly there's no cap room for Millwood on the Yankees. So where does he have to go then? The Giants? The Braves again? Suddenly instead of the richest dogs like the Yankees, Red Sox, Dodgers and Mets, cheaper teams like the D-Rays, Royals, Rockies, Pirates, etc actually have a chance to land a decent pitcher that becomes an ace and makes a big difference in a team.

The problem with baseball is the rich get all of the good players, money talks, and you can't have a "Yankees" and a "Devil Rays" in the same league competing at such a huge revenue disparity. It's not good for the fans of the D-Rays, and in the long run, it's not good for baseball to have the same few rich teams always winning, 'cause the smaller city's teams and fans suffer. You know damn well that teams like the Rockies, Devil Rays, Blue Jays, Reds, Brewers, Pirates, Expos, Indians, Twins, A's, or Royals really have no shot of making the playoffs from Day 1 of the season and that hurts the game. Fans need hope. And a level and fair salary cap, floor and revenue sharing gives hope to that.

and you're going to get more casual fans in the seats by playing winning baseball than not. You start to win, you gain some more die-hards which is good for the team in the long run

if you're in Devil Ray's country..and you're a causal baseball fan, and all you hear is "D-Ray suck, the Yankees always win anyways" is that going to make you want to go to a game? and in another case, it'll mean the casual fan will want to go to fewer games, thus casual fans never really learn the true meaning of the team and its history or rivals. It becomes more like seeing a 3 hour movie than anything else. You went to it, you saw it, you remember it, it's done with, and you've forgotten it. And the NFL is really good with getting casual fans..'cause suddenly, say the Panthers, went from a 4-12 record in '02 to the Super Bowl (played February 1st, 2004) in '03 with an 11-5 record, a huge turn around, are good again and people have an interest. The fans watch more games, they go to more bars to watch the games, more go to the games. It's really that simple.

Baseball is more like a McDonalds, Burger King and Wendy's... all competing against each other.. instead of it being an Arby's corporation, it has 30 stores (teams) are Arby's stores... all of the same product and it takes care of all of its stores. Sure some stores may be cleaner than others, or serve more food items or give out more sauce packets, but the basic general idea is all executed.

Many fans in the seats are just casual fans who support a winner, and then you have your die-hard fans who grow when a team starts to win more. Playing crappy, losing baseball isn't going to pack the fans into the stadium. That's why it's good for every team, once in a while, if not often, to play winning baseball... to build fan support.

And no, it's not the NFL's shorter schedule that gives them the best sports operation in the US, it's the revenue distribution and salary checks, and the fact that every few years, every team has a shot of the championship.

What makes a salary cap work? Player's greed. Most athletes will take the most money they can get... more than not..will take the highest dollar then take a paycut for a better team (I-Rod going to the 2nd worst team-ever Tigers for the top dollar being a current example of this).

END

> - Wednesday May 19th 2004 - < "a Festivus for the rest of us"

Well the White Sox scalped the Tribe to take two out of three in Cleveland and head to Minnesota for a four-game series against the Twins this weekend, while the Cubs won on some bullshit.

Well it's May, and that means the Fall television lineup is out. This is done now so advertisers can buy their precious advertising space to annoy us all with their stupid crappy products for jerks.

And like always, a ton of crappy-ass sitcoms got canceled (thank you, ABC! yes!), none of which I really liked other than "Ed", tho that was more of a drama than a sitcom, and that show was on its last wheel. The unfortunate trend in network television is that sitcoms are dying, and cheap & easy to make reality shows are STILL taking over. Why... I don't know. I got sick of these shows after about a year and then realized that these shows have little to no substance at all, tho I'll never forget the two Joe Millionaire's with big dumb Evan and Woody Boyd. The scenery was probably the nicest and most interesting part of the show, along with seeing a bunch of gold-digging bitches realizing they BLEW IT.

And apparently, lawyer and cop drama shows (booo!!) are becoming more and more popular, with a series branching out into more cities and "juries" and shit. Eventually we'll see "C.S.I. Houston" "C.S.I. Seattle" "C.S.I. Hartford" "Law and Order: unpaid parking tickets" "N.Y.P.D.: Not before 11am".

But scripted comedy with actual actors will always to me be the most entertaining thing to watch on network tv. Oh, and there's another cartoon Family Guy-clone by Seth MacFarlane, it's called "America Dad" coming to Fox in January of 2005. It's something about a right-wing dad that's in the CIA and the "Stewie" is a French (now German)-speaking goldfish, again more stupid teenagers, one being a Liberal daughter (why couldn't we see a nice Conservative daughter for once?) The dad looks just like Joe (David Puddy from Seinfeld) the wheelchair guy. And of course, this series was of course the next phase after Family Guy was canceled, which of course it didn't stay that way, and now Seth has two cartoons to look after. I just hope the quality for Family Guy doesn't go down.

> - Tuesday May 18th 2004 - < Perfection

Today's scoreboard logo year is 1977. Today was a most interesting day. In the evening I found out with a postcard via snail mail that my brown Padres sweatshirt was not in stock nor would it ever be, so that fucking dream is over. I was so mad I could have puked. I couldn't believe how pissed I was nor that I was pissed for hours and hours on end. But today was a special day and that's not what this column is about.. A day where the baseball pitching Gods said "today is the day."

Not only did Jason Schmidt of the San Francisco Giants defeat the Cubs tonight 1-0, but Schmidt threw a complete game 1-hitter, faced 27 batters and only gave up one hit while throwing some 130+ pitches, which I don't recommend for any pitcher (you reading, Dusty?) That in itself is an awesome achievement, but what happened in Atlanta tonight with Mike Hampton of the Braves pitching against Randy Johnson of the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Tuesday May 18th 2004 - Johnson: 9 IP, 0 H, 0 ER, 0 R, 13 K, 0 BB, 117 pitches / 85 strikes

What you see here is a no-hitter thrown. What this scoreboard doesn't tell you is that Randy Johnson threw a perfect game! What this means... Johnson faced all 27 batters and only 27 batters, didn't give up any hits nor did he walk or bean anybody. This absolute perfect game feat has only been accomplished 17 times in 130+ years of baseball after hundreds of thousands of games. And Randy Johnson was the oldest one ever to do it, at age 40. This is probably the rarest of rare in baseball, and is almost impossible to do. The game only took 2 hours and 13 minutes to play, and those in attendance 23,381 that showed up or stayed for the entire game was served a real delicacy.

> - Sunday May 16th - < knit and glue

Well unfortunately the Cubs swept the Padres in San Diego and the White Sox beat the shit out of the Twins. Those wondering what the "TC" for the Minnesota Twins stands for that's on their caps, it's "Twin Cities" for Minneapolis/ St. Paul area, which the Twins play in the Metrodome in Minneapolis. The story behind the "TC" logo, was that actually the Twins bought the rights (or stole it) from some company in Minnesota who invented the logo, the company was either out of business or was a small company or both, I'm not sure, but somebody told me this years ago. The White Sox head to Cleveland to play the Indians while the Cubs return home to play cry-baby and steroid user Barry Bonds and the San Francisco Giants for their only trip to Wrigley this year.

Well I spent a part of the afternoon sewing the broken beltloops and holes on my very worn-out jeans and my Chicago Bears navy blue sweatshirt. I've had this pair for at least 3 years, and it gets worn at least 100 to maybe 200 times a year. As like most pairs of jeans of mine, they start to wear out at the top of the back ass-pockets and the crotch area, specifically around the left leg. I dunno if it's because maybe I'm not putting the jeans on straight, or if I somehow walk a little bit crooked, or if it's the cheap $14 Target jeans, or from wearing them out or possibly scratching my balls from time to time that's causing this erosion of fabric more quickly. But once all of the blue cotton fuzz wears away and you're down to bare white strands of string... it's only going to get worse.

And that means I have to go shopping. Jeans shopping. Which I really, really really hate. Tho this time, I actually grabbed some sale papers in advance so I wouldn't have to waste gas or time driving around looking for sales. I hate waiting in traffic, I hate looking for the right size (I'm a 36 x 34, horrible horrible rare size) then finding the fitting rooms that are always in the Women's Department, then trying them on. Ugh. I'm glad I only do this once every 3 to 4 years.

> - Saturday May 15th - < I survived the Jimmy Fallon era

Well the stupid Twins and Cubs won tonight, but on the other hand, Jimmy Fallon did his last show on Saturday Night Live which was their season finale. Finally we'll never ever have to see him cracking up in a sketch, wasting time, stumbling his lines or acting unprofessionally on SNL ever again. The Olsen Twins hosted tonight, and it was another yawner. The Olsen Twins are butt-ugly, and I don't understand this obsession with them. They were on Full House, and a quote by my mother, this back in the late 80s, "the ugliest babies I have ever seen.", and they're still ugly as 17 year olds and still are making poor quality movies. I wonder how many more horrible teen-boppy movies they can make. I'm sure eventually one of them will star in a movie where she plays a prostitute or a drug user or a murder or a slut or probably all 4.

> - Friday May 14th 2004 - < peeved pets

Today's logo scoreboard year is 1984. Tonight the San Diego Padres wore their 1984 home uniforms against the Cubs, whom they defeated in the National League Playoffs in 1984 back when it was only one round of playoffs to get to the World Series and this was the last season the League Playoffs were a best of 5. The next year until 1993 it would be a best of 7 for the League Playoffs. That Padres logo, circa 1969-84 is the "Swinging Friar" logo that's featured on my eagerly awaiting Padres brown sweatshirt. The White Sox BLEW it tonight. They BLEW IT. They had a 2 run lead going into the 8th and they couldn't hold it, and thus lost 3-2 to the 1st place Twins.

And now, on to the whole point of this column: pet peeves.

You know what some of my peeves are? Is when a baseball team, like the Padres did tonight, go full-assed out for retro baseball uniforms, matching pants with socks and stir-ups, along with the matching cap, and cheap out on the batting helmet. Thus the padres wore their current navy blue batting helmet with a white interlocking "SD" instead of the brown and yellow helmet they wore with these uniforms from 1980 to 1984. And technically, they didn't change the batting helmet when they added orange to the hat in 1980 which they had the same batting helmet since 1973. I dunno how much it costs to make all that retro uniform stuff for a player, jerseys like that sell around $300 to the public, but i'm sure teams get a discount, but i'm sure it's all pulling near $500 to $600 a player. And if you're going to shove that much out for the uniform, you might as well have a matching helmet, which could later could either be saved for future Turn Back the Clock games or they could auction them off. Also, sometimes when teams do this, they don't get the lettering exactly correct, or they'll screw up the logo somehow. Those that want to see what these uniforms looked like, go to the links page of this site found here and go the Baseball Hall of Fame website link.

And another thing. I sure as hell don't appreciate Red Sox fans across the country referring to their team as "the Sox" when they know damn well there's another team with "Sox" in their name. And besides, the White Sox were the team that for the most part since 1910-1975, 1982-present have had "SOX" on the uniform and "SOX" on the cap for 65 non-consecutive years and counting. We don't have a "B" like on your cap, Red Sox. And of course, the most common color for socks is white, which is most likely the first color that comes to people's minds when they hear the word. So from now on, "Sox" means and only means "Chicago White Sox" and is never to be mentioned as for the "Boston Red Sox" again. I'm glad I could clear all of this up.

And finally, another pet peeve is the way people butcher the English language. Yeah, whether it's laziness or pure lack of knowledge, but it annoys the hell out of me when people misuse the words "they're", "there" and "their", along with "your" and "you're". Now I don't know if contractions were allowed in your house, but in school, they spent time teaching us the difference between the words and how they're used. Whether you were too busy scratching your ass and smelling it off of your finger or too busy avoiding to fart on those rock-hard seats at school, here are some examples:

"You do know you're insane, right?" you are
"Your friend is insane." your

"He pissed on their lawn." their
"They're a bunch of stupid, loud assholes." they are
"There has to be a way around that law." there

And there you go. Remember this valuable and important grammer tool.

> - Thursday May 13th 2004 - < "if we fed the baby more nyquil it wouldn't be awake so much"

Well the White Sox split their doubleheader tonight and took two out of three from the Orioles and continue their homestand against the rival Minnesota Twins, while the Cubs avoided a sweep from the Dodgers at Chavez Ravine and head to San Diego to play the Padres in their new corporately bastard named stadium, Petco Field. Man, I am so sick of the comic "Dilbert". All of that stupid white-collar office humor. "Your office work sucks, your co-workers are insane and your boss is an idiot. we GET it, already." Everyday it's a 3-panel comic strip about how work sucks, the same shit recycled over and over and over. It's just so wicked retarded. Now here's some white-collar office humor!

The stupid worker conspiracy column

Oh I am such a smart worker! I'm getting away with so much at work and NOBODY will ever find out! Heheh...all these Dilbert cartoons i cut out and collaged on my cubicle. Funny, edgy stuff!

Nobody will ever find out that *i* was the one who put the rat poison in the coffee maker! Ha ha!
Nor will they ever find out that i pissed in the water cooler when no one was looking! And you know how the toner mysteriously somehow all escaped from the printers and xerox machines? Inverted documents! And I also tend to have this clumsy habit of accidentally spilling whole pots of coffee on to vacated office chairs.

I hope my big fat stupid idiot boss knows he's a piece of shit-asshole. I really hate his fucking guts. I'd like to slash the tires on his limo and beat the shit out of his obnoxious teenage son. He's a dumb fuck. And I'm sick and tired of getting everyone else's shit handed to me on top of all the other shit I wasn't hired to do while not getting paid for over-time. And I personally don't give two shits about our company or the horseshit we churn out with our name on it. Like I'm going to show up to any god damn meetings.

I have given my youth, my energy, my blood and sweat for this company and all I get is some shitty box of rock hard toffee for xmas. But hear this, I declare utter sweet merciless revenge on the cocksuckers that run this company.

And of course, a disgruntled employee can never have enough boxes of pens. So many, many boxes of pens. Yeah, I'd like to stab my boss to death with these pens.

It's not like any of my co-workers or boss know about this site or could ever find it in a google search... hey look...new email! ..uh oh..."

END

~/~ Thursday May 6th, 2004 ~/~ "shithead" is one word, stupid spellcheck

The Odds, Ins & Etc:

the six striking Simpsons main voice characters settled their strike last Saturday and will continue to voice more new Simpson's episodes despite the show having

according to a 1991 tv guide poll, 46% of Americans would not give up television for $1 million.

Who is the best team in Chicago? That's right. The White Sox... by two full games on May 5th, 2004.

Could you give up tv for $1 million dollars? Tho i'm not sure of the conditions of the 1991 survey question, but I'm assuming that's for a lifetime. I wonder if that includes all video game and home video rentals. if it does, that'd be pretty tough to give up. Tho I know people who could give up tv because they don't plan their life around it. Of course, this question was asked before you could watch TV online.

So, could you throw away all of your tv's for a million dollars? I sure as hell could. I could get by on the radio, computer games, books and the newspaper. Or could you give up all of your tv's, computer's, internet, cell phones and movies for a million dollars? I'm assuming most people wouldn't. And of course, this would have to be strictly enforced, like no watching tv at a friend's house or in a store. Of course, it's a stupid question but i have the stupid answer. Of course, If I had a million dollars, i'd invest most of it, then spend the rest of it going to good restaurants, ballgames, or buy some overly expensive books and take up golfing.

Well the White Sox won 2 out of 3 in Baltimore against the Orioles or as the Sox announcers call them..."the O'Ralloh's" (what the hell does that mean??) and travel to Toronto to play the Blue Jays and watch a bunch of American movies being filmed. The Cubs lost 2 out of three to the Arizona Diamondbacks and continue their homestand with a 3 game series against the Colorado Rockies.

~/~ Wednesday, May 5th, 2004 ~/~ "pop that elbow!"

Oh yeah, apparently Major League Baseball has found another way to whore itself to advertisers and the all-mighty dollar. Apparently the makers of the new Spider-Man 2 movie have paid MLB $3 million put an advertisement on the 1st, 2nd and 3rd bases in 15 ballparks during the June 11th weekend. As you can see in the picture, it's a red diamond with "Spider-Man 2" behind a web. it is really stupid. The idea was to lure more young fans into the ballpark.

stupid 11 year old over-spending child: "Mommy, mommy! Let's go to the Angel's game on Saturday because they have Spider-Man logos on the bases!! Let's go let's go let's GO!!!!"

What doesn't make sense about this, is the top of the bases are rarely ever seen on tv, nor will most of the fans see it. And I don't know how or why this promotion would lure any fans in. If anything, some fans will actually stay away because of stupid shit like this. And since the White Sox are unfortunately doing this promotion, and of course I'll be staying away from the ballpark that weekend.

It's bad enough that they have to put advertisements in the stadium and on the outfield walls, but it's annoying especially on the wall behind home plate where like 70% of the TV camera is at. But you don't DARE ever put it on the uniform, cap, or on the mound, the dirt, the bases or the green grass. Yeah every other sport had tons of advertising too, but baseball is based on tradition... not stupid modern shit like strike zones called by computer umpires or instant replay. Nevertheless, this is a slap in the face to baseball tradition and i am boycotting this movie and any soda or snack products it appears on, not that I wouldn't have already boycotted it before this because movies on comic books are fucking stupid and lame.

~/~ Friday, May 7th, 2004 ~/~ good riddance, "Friends"

Well apparently after one day, Major League Baseball has decided not to put those stupid god damn fucking Spider-Man 2 ads on the bases, but those fuckers will still be on the batting circles, which is still terrible. But of course, any movie based on a comic book is lame and terrible. The White Sox lost only their 2nd one-run game in 13 one-run games, and are still the best team in Chicago.

Well apparently last night was the final episode of "Friends", apparently seen by over 50 million viewers. I of course was not one of them. I stopped watching that show around when it was the new 2nd season. And why did I stop watching this show? Well let's see... Ross is an annoying little wussy sad sack of shit, Chandler isn't funny and Joey is some stupid greaseball, and they're all a bunch of pansy-ass castrated girly men. As for the women, Phoebe is extremely annoying and dorky looking, Monica and Rachael are just a bunch of prissy, annoying girly bitches.

Of course, from what I've read from critics, they say the show really wasn't that good, it wasn't "realistic" or "ethnic" enough, how poor people could afford such big apartments, and it evolved extremely quickly into a "soap-com" from a sitcom, with its incredibly unrealistic concepts and character plots & and it's extreme difficulty to follow from episode to episode to season to season from with a large dose of sappy crappy romance which chicks just screech for.

"Friends" will live on forever, and ironically, the newer shows didn't annoy me so much because I rarely watch NBC ('cause it sucks of course) but they're on at least an hour in syndication everyday, and I watch that channel a ton more. And I can't stand those fucking annoying "Friends" syndication promos, with that totally stupid goofy & happy voice telling me what's going to happen on that episode. Also the guy that does those WB voice-overs, "next on the W-B!" If I had that guy's voice, I'd kill myself.

~/~ Saturday May 8th, 2004 ~/~ "oh aaah! Sup-ah squirt-ah!"

Well, let's see... if you're the Cubs... and you have Greg Maddux on the mound and you hit 3 homeruns, does this mean you win today? NO! If you're the Cubs, and it's the bottom of the 9th, and you have the tying run on 1st with one out, and then the Rockie's closer throws to 1st base in a pick-off attempt, only to have the throw go past his own 1st baseman, and the ball goes sailing into foul territory, then the Cubs baserunner goes all the way to 3rd base, does this mean you win? NO! Both final Cubs batters struck out and the Cubs lost. Cubs lose! Cubs lose! And yes, the White Sox are still the best team in Chicago, on May 8th, by half a game.

Here's a poem; more like a really bad punk song that would probably be sung while screaming and the same chords on a bunch of electric guitars being slapped over and over while showing no sign of structure or time; written in another sleep-deprived state. Tho I have never heard of a song with lyrics like these, but I'm sure it does exist out there somewhere. enjoy.

5/8/04

i'm gonna sing you a really bad song tonight!

it's a really bad song!

don't sing along!

it's a crappy song!

it's a really bad song
a really bad song
a really bad song
a really bad song
a really bad song

the song really sucks
i'm singing you the really bad song.

we will never get along,
it's a really bad song
the worst song in the world.

don't sing this shit
it really sucks
it's a really bad song
we really don't give two fucks

it's a really bad song
a really bad song
a really bad song
a really bad song
a really bad song

won't you piss along,
and yell the crappy song

it's going to be too long!

*guitar solo*

the timing is all gone
on the really crappy bad song

piss on the lawn
it's going on too long
the really crappy bad song.

**voice shouts** "Number 1 hit!"

~/~ Sunday May 9th, 2004 ~/~ nice mullet, jackass!

Shit. The White Sox got swept in Toronto by the Blue Jays in their 3-game series and the stupid Cubs somehow won in extra innings against the Rockies and the Cubs somehow avoided getting swept. The following is an essay I wrote on the lameness of all Yankees fans and how they know nothing of suffering or anything about baseball in general. And of course, the most pressing issue to fans of the "other" 29 teams in baseball, is the salary cap.

"Talking to Yankees fans about competitive fairness and salary caps is completely pointless. They wouldn't dare want anything to happen to the current MLB system because then their precious Yankees wouldn't be able to buy & steal everyone.

Yankees fans: "Yeah! Yankees rule! Your team sucks! How many championships have you won?? We get everyone good! I don't care about competitive baseball! I care about the Yankees and me! Me ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!! Yeah! George Steinbrenner is God! He rules! Yankees rule! When did YOUR team last win a championship?? Red Sox suck! You're all a bunch of crybabies!! We spend and you don't!! Ha ha! We RULE!! I don't care about the Royals or the Pirates or the A's or the Expos or any well being of other teams in baseball! The Yankees win and they always will! Yeah! Go me! Salary Caps suck! The Yankees and I are better than everyone else!! Everyone should stop what they're doing and become Yankees fans 'cause it's the only way to be! Yankees win!! I rule!!! Go Yankees!"

Yeah, this may seem like an exaggeration, but over the years from what I've read and heard, this sums it all up.

And any Yankees fan that says they wouldn't want Pedro on their team is a lying bullshitter. Roger Clemens was the "Pedro" of the mid 80s- mid 90s, the most hated Red Sock of the time and he went to the Yankees and the fans all kissed his ass. Shell out $20 million a year for 5 years and Pedro is all yours. And where's the risk, Yankee fans? If Pedro sucks, it's all good 'cause you could just release him and buy someone else."

> - Monday, May 10th 2004 - < No games scheduled today.

The Writers Block column.

i am running on fumes..... the pen is out of ink.... nothing to write about... no words come to mind... stuck in the mud! somebody get this wooden block off of me! Ah, a time when a writer's mind goes to a blank. Every blank space becomes a challenge in hoping that eventually the space will be filled with letters in a pattern will somehow represent words. Every space...every letter...every word...every paragraph is a huge struggle.

If there's one thing i've noticed is two things... when a newspaper columnist has to write about sports and only sports 3 to 5 times a week and has to make it at least 2 pages long, the quality goes down, and the spacing of columns is getting ridiculous. When a columnist has to write so much shit in a week, they start to write a Friday column contradicting their Wednesday column. The Saturday column consists of nothing but extreme random gibberish, lumping 3 sports analogies into one paragraph, then talking about something that happened in society 100 years ago. Whether it's their brain or their sanity that's gone scatterbrained, it makes a reader wonder what that columnist's motivation is... to write something controversial and piss off readers and bring in hate-mail... to celebrate something great or noble that's happened or if it's just only to appease themselves in their own little fantasy world of no journalistic integrity.

Secondly, it's starting to get a little annoying in newspapers when on the front page of a section, have only a few sentences to a paragraph of a story, then you have to dig through 6 to 12 pages looking for the rest of it, where it's lost in a bunch of other article fractions...and by the time you actually find the article you're looking for, you forget what the hell you were reading about in the first place. I don't know if it's some sadistic horseshit plan to break up articles 2 to 3 times and scatter them all over the section so reader's will glance at the rest of the shit on the page? Put the whole god damn article on one page!!! And you don't need a picture that's the size of a pizza box to go with the article! I think readers would appreciate not having to go from page 1 to page 4, then flip back to page 1 to page 3 then flip back to page 1 again to page 6. I hope you stupid dipshit newspapers get the hint.

Tip of the Day: And for all you young journalists and columnists out there, save your work every 2 to 5 minutes. You don't want to lose that pot o' gold you just discovered.

> - Tuesday May 11th, 2004 - < Bullshit in a Bottle

Well tonight the White Sox pounded the absolute shit out of the Orioles and rightfully reclaimed their billing as the best team in Chicago on May 11th by half a game as the Cubs lost to the Dodgers. The White play a 3-game homestand against the Baltimore Orioles and the Cubs head out to Los Angeles to play the Dodgers in Chavez Ravine Dodger Stadium for 3 games.

You know, sometimes it amazes me on how stupid some people can be. As you will be warned, today's column will again feature an essay on baseball, this time the idiots somehow supporting Pete Rose's baseball Hall of Fame eligibility despite the obvious fact:

Quote: "Yes Pete did bet on the Reds to win. He has admitted recently to betting on the 458 games from 1987-1988 that he was accused of betting on. Of those 458 games, 51 were games involving the Cincinnati Reds, the team he managed. In all 51 of those instances, he bet on them to win. If you ask me, that is a major vote on confidence in your team."

My response: What the hell is wrong with you people? It makes no fucking difference whether he bet on his team to win or lose. The point is, he bet, he broke the rules and he should remain banned.

I think some of you care more about what's popular and "good" in shortsight, instead of actually following the rules the game stands for and the history behind those rules. What was happening in baseball some 80 to 100 years ago does matter... just like what happened in '94 matters.

"I don't care if Pete Rose bet on the game as a player or as a manager. It's a stupid rule and he's the all-time hits leader and he should be in the HOF."

No fucking way.

And Pete Rose was a player-manager from 1984-1986. Player or manager and both, was still an employee of Major League Baseball when he bet on games. How people keep over-looking that the players, managers and coaches have to follow the same rules as the players do is beyond me.

But anytime any player in any sport bets on the game he plays / manages in, it's not a good thing.

But I guess today's baseball fans have no fucking regard for the rules in place, because apparently, "no betting on the game" is a stupid rule.

Chalk up this purist / traditionalist saying "no" Pete Rose should not be in the Hall of Fame. He was an employee of Major League Baseball, just like the players and coaches. He broke the rules. It's that simple.

> - Wednesday May 12th, 2004 - < sha-zam, sha-zam, sha-zam!

The incoherent Column.

Oh god... my back and left bicep is so sore. Apparently the next day after playing tennis for the first time in over a year apparently does not come without its consequences. Well the Sox game got rained out and they'll play a doubleheader tomorrow.

Nothing like dropping a can of soup on your foot. ow! Casserole to me..is like...eating warm, mushy food that someone else already chewed.

waiting is the worst part. I ordered a brown sweatshirt with the old 1969-1984 San Diego Padres "Swinging Friar" brown and yellow logo last week and I am waiting impatiently on when the hell it's going to get here. It better not be some shit like 6 to 8 weeks.

"you don't fucking fuck the fucknut with the fucker of fuckness ever!" What that means, I have no idea. heheh

i notice my dreams all have the same theme. I'm always either confused, scared, alone or running from something. And what's weird, is all the places in my dreams seem so real, yet i've never seen any place like them. One thing i've noticed is two things. One, if i try to wake up in a dream, like, acknowledging in the dream that i'm saying "wake up!" it takes forever for me to wake up, and it feels like i'm sleeping under like 100 feet underground. And secondly, if i wake up, like an hour before my normal time, and i go back to sleep, i end up having this really horrible nightmare for an hour to two hours, like it was a punishment to me for going back to sleep. A completely, incoherent dream that's so mixed up and so many broken random streams of thought it makes no sense whatsoever.

> - Monday May 17th 2004 - < 66 in December 2003

Fucking Sox lost AGAIN. The Cubs have the day off and play the San Francisco Giants Tuesday.

One thing I've noticed..it's always windy as hell trash night. People, in an effort to be half-assed or logical, drag all of their trash and precious Earth-saving (puh-leeeeaze) recyclables out to the curb Monday night so they don't have to drag their candy asses out Tuesday morning. I suppose that makes sense. But of course, it seems like Monday night, a storm is coming or a strong breeze is present, thus all of the garbage flies around into the god damn yard and road. Can't the idiots realize that newspaper and wrappers blow around in even the slightest wind? Pile your empty wine coolers and Zima bottles on top of your open cans and baskets, dipshits.

And of course, it wouldn't be a slow news day if the local News didn't do a story of obesity and all of our fat children and the puke-shit that our public schools are feeding them. At least when I went to public school, we always got our daily amount of Grade F cardboard-thin meat burgers, our sugar sodas, heavily frosted snack cakes, over-sized and heavily salty novelty pretzel, our cheese pizza slice with little to no cheese or sausage with huge dough air bubbles, slushie, the Special of the Day served on a styrofoam plate with spots of watery brown grease and of course, a mound of oil-stained fries all lumped together.

TV: "Do you know what YOUR kids are eating at school??"

old man shouting at TV: "Garbage! it's garbage! That's what they like to eat. It's garbage!"

kid on tv: "i just throw my lunch in the trash and eat candy and soda. Mom can't stop me!"

old man still shouting at TV: "The little shits love to eat garbage! They practically LIVE in their own poop and eat garbage! Yer like fuckin' rats! They're as important and worthless as rats!!"

**old man throws his cane at the TV and breaks the screen**

old man: "GOD DAMN IT!!!"

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E

> - Thursday May 20th 2004 - < "it's about as edgy as bubblegum."

Well the White Sox hit that fucking ball out of the Metrodome (not literally) 3 times and won last night to move within 1 game of the 1st place Twins in the A.L. Central while the S.F. Giants took 2 out of three from the Cubs. And the St. Louis Cardinals are coming to Wrigley to play a 3 game series. Go Cardinals! And don't look now, but both Chicago baseball teams on May 20th share the same 23-17 record.

Well the column is fastly approaching its 2 month anniversary, and I must say I'm disappointed with the almost total lack of feedback and comments. This column was intended to be a creative outlet filled with excess profanity and short stories & skits, along with some baseball history and commentary, with reader interaction with the messageboard link posted here on the top left-hand corner of this page, which anyone can use.

Ugh, don't you hate it when you get like, a pimple on your nose, and instead of it bubbling up it just spreads out into one big flat red spot, and seems to be more painful than a normal pimple? I am reisisting the urge to poke some small holes into this thing with either a thread needle or a razor blade and drain the pus / get that rock out, but it's tough. Ugh, another night of severe thunderstorm watches & warnings along with heavy rain. I'll be happy once this weather pattern changes.

Other than that, I have nothing else to say but read all the entries you haven't and the ones that are archived since the beginning, which that link is found at the top right-hand corner of this page. Seems simple enough.

> - Sunday May 30th 2004 - < "push her down the stairs, son."

What motivates a musician more? the making / playing of music, or getting the actual money?

Suppose I was a musician...what would my daily column look like? Maybe something like this..

"money money $$$$ monnnnnnney...mon-ie!!! today we played at some rich bastard's mansion which they probably got from either embezzling some stock share holders, or drug dealing, (no mention of education since it's the biggest scam going today) or inherited from past generations. Their family probably goes back to the Olde Country where women shut their mouths and knew their place and criminals were beaten to death and publicly executed and bakers were blackballed and castrated for not putting 12 doughnuts in a dozen.

Somebody in the audience shouted while we played another butchered version of a remake,

"Rip-offfffffffffff!!! Get off the stage!!!!"

Haha. We all just laughed and kept on playing and continued uninterrupted of a bunch of cookie-cutter riffs and lyrics we stole from other songs. Tho I'm pretty sure the timing of his heckling was purely coincidental, there is no way how anyone could tell what we're playing or where we lifted it from.

But you know what? i LOVE money! money buys me gas, food and chicks! Every musician longs for the day of big paychecks and when the music becomes secondary!
I am just so happy i could exploit my manufactured talents tooting bells and whistles for money! Yeah! money!!! roarrrrrrrrrrrr!!

Yeah, I think Ozzy Osbourne said it best: "yeah slub alasb blub, music is one big wheel that go 'round 'n 'round. blah blah blah Robert Plant. huuuuet not plagiarizing, v'ry'thin' bor'rowed from sumtin. blah blah sloop."

I dream of many mansions, gold chains and rings, pierced nipples, pot-affiliated tattoo's, long hair, many sluts, piles and piles of drugs, 20-year record deals, # 1 hit singles with weird music videos, selling out to car commercials, getting featured on Mtv and protesting for World causes and against right-wing politicians! I want to be a big fat PHONY!"

> - Wednesday May 26th, 2004 - < "dude, where's the 8 minute drum solo?"

Today was another burger day, for dinner, it was a cheeseburger with sliced & grilled portabella mushrooms on rye bread along with diced onions, ketchup, lettuce and Lay's "loaded baked potato" chips on the side..which apparently is Lay's answer to Ruffles's Cheddar & Sour Cream chips, who happen to be made by the same company. But nevertheless, i fucking love both chips. Anyways, Here's some tips for men:

* alcohol and women do not mix.
* the shower drain is not a pissing hole.
* the hand towel not a snot-rag.
* salads are not healthy if you load it with bacon bits, cheese, croutons and saturate it in salad dressing
* jokes are never funny the 2nd time
* when no one is looking, blow your nose on the inside of your t-shirt if there's no napkins around

If you had to choice to alter / never do any of these body functions, which one would it be?

1. Hair would grow at a pace of 1 inch per year
2. Never fart again
3. Never have boogers / nose mucus.

If you had to choice to never do any of these body functions, which one would it be?

A. Never poop again
B. Never pee again
C. Never have ear wax
D. Never get hiccups again

> - Saturday May 22nd 2004 - < "that's b.s.!"

well the stupid cubs won and the twins won.

> - Friday May 21st 2004 - < Twin Wins!

Hold the phone! Sox win! Cubs lose! And you know what that means! The White Sox are Chicago's best team! With a 24-17 record, the White Sox are a full game better than the Cubs on May 21st, 2004.

Ah, a subject that's always fascinated me: steroids. You'd have to be pretty insane, desperate or confident if you're an athlete to take steroids. And of course, we all expect football players to take steroids because they are to us fans... name & faceless robots as part of the machine that is the football team. But baseball players, we're told baseball players don't need to use steroids because in baseball, being thin and lean is best. Haha what a crock of bullshit. In this era, the Homerun is king, and suddenly you have powerhitters at all 8 positions.

Taking steroids, especially in baseball, is cheating. No doubt about it. Taking steroids for football is like getting caught with a penalty only because the ref saw what you were doing at that particular time.. there are so many football rules being broken during the game it's unbelievable. But what are steroids? To build muscle growth very, very quickly and to withstand vigorous workouts longer and more often. Here's a compelling advertisement strategy:

"Steroids build muscle fast. Steroids make you good."

Seems good enough to me if I was an athlete. heheh. We all know the short-term of steroids is greatness. But I remember in health and gym classes in high school, they'd tell us stories of roid-rage and the long-term effects of steroids. Yeah, they'll shrink your nads, give you rage (assuming you needed more of it) and pretty much destroy other body parts and shorten your life significantly.

Now, I've never actually seen a picture of steroids, nor have I ever seen or known anyone that has used them, or what kinds there are nor the form that it comes it. And is there even a professional athlete left in the world that hasn't taken any steroids, supplements or vitamin enhancing drugs in their lifetimes? And no, the athletes aren't better these days; it's the drugs and supplements that are.

And why I brought this up, is because of all the steroid talk in the news (BALCO). What surprised me, is the number of Olympic Track & Field runners getting caught with steroids and getting their medals stripped and disgracing their country if any actually gives a shit about the Olympics. If you were an athlete training for the Olympics, how could you go on if you knew in your heart that by taking steroids you were cheating yourself and everything the games stand for? Of course, that's assuming anyone actually gives a shit about the Olympics. What they need to do, is hold two Olympics: the current one, and an all-drug enhanced one. Hardly a new idea, since it was on SNL in '88 during Weekend Update. I think we'd all like to see an Olympics where athletes totally push the envelope with no regard for their lives or their health, and see what kind of records a completely artificially built human body could perform. And of course, athletes would be encouraged to take steroids before, during and after the Olympics. I think the Steroid Olympics would be a lot more fun to watch. So for all you young runners out there... sometimes finishing in 5th place may get you the gold after all!

> - Sunday May 23rd 2004 - < "stretch!"

well the stupid cubs won but the White Sox won. an editors note: "ooh yeah, today's my friend Cyndi's birthday..yeah...she's a girl..no, not in that way..."

> - Monday May 24th 2004 - < No Games Scheduled

Both Chicago teams have the day off and the White Sox return to Chicago to play the A-Rod-less Texas Rangers and the Cubs go to Houston for a 2-game series. The Sox took 3 out of 4 from the Twins and now are in 1st place in the A.L. Central and unfortunately, the Cubs won two out of three from the Cardinals.

Some might notice a lack of a Saturday and Sunday column entry. That is because I have writer's block and I don't have much to say...or anything at all and I haven't really read anything inspiring or interesting the past week to write about. And one of my biggest influences, the Chicago Tribune, has been pretty crappy lately. the Tempo section is full of boring, pointless articles that are completely filler, and the comics have been unfunny, pretty stupid and a total waste of ink.

Ugh..and the sports section. Yeah Tribune, I know you fucking love the Cubs and own them, but your extreme Cubs biased coverage and layouts are getting to be really obscene. Not everyone in this town is a stupid Cubs fan. And your Mark Prior coverage has been nothing short of blasphemy. We really don't need stupid charts and the same blurbs every fucking day. Now if Mark Buehrle went on the D.L. would the Tribune give two fucking shits? Not fucking likely. And that's sickening. The Tribune acts like Mark Prior is the second coming of Jesus for christ sakes. I saw a front page sport section headline article on the left column talking about how this pregnant woman was Olympic-style Wrestling for some Olympics qualifying thing, as if anyone gave a shit. But the old man writer, who took his senile pills that day, was saying what a great American hero she was and all of that bullshit. I'm sure some of you saw this woman on TV wrestling in her blue jumpsuit.

But I was completely appalled. How fucking stupid is this woman? Listen lady, if you didn't want to get pregnant and to continue wrestling, you should have either never spread your legs, told your man to wear a rubber or get an abortion. I've never seen such reckless disregard of a future mother and her baby. Imagine what would have happened if this mother got hurt while wrestling? Or if her opponent did some dirty move or something to her stomach? And of course, this woman didn't tell anyone she was pregnant. She's not an American Hero. She's fucking nuts. You're fucking nuts, lady. But here's my solution, lady:
Let's have a kick boxing match.

> - Tuesday May 25th 2004 - < "entry fee is $10,000. Grand prize money is $1,735."

Today was the day of the burger. For lunch I had a huge cheeseburger along with some outstanding crunchy french fries and some bacon- cheese potato skins along with a cold glass of water. And i was hungry as hell...so much that my stomach was eating itself, along with the shakes, nerves and incoherent babbling. Normally I usually eat my food pretty slowly, or at a moderate pace, because I don't want to choke and I want to savor the flavor... but not today. I was shoveling it down as fast as i could. Afterwards i needed a nap but didn't get it.

But of course, some 3 hours later, my burger day wasn't done yet. Along the way home I stopped into Burger King and had a jr whopper with everything on it & extra mayo. Mmmm mmmm. I think what makes the jr whopper special is the fact that there's no bitter mustard on it, and the onions are sliced and not diced, so there's more of its own layer covering the burger.

And I must say, I fucking love burgers... specifically cheeseburgers, usually almost always with lettuce, tomato, mayo / miracle whip, fresh sliced onions and honey mustard. Sometimes i'll add bacon, or more cheese, saut�ed fresh sliced mushrooms, and yes, even scrambled eggs put in mixed with the cheese. It's pretty hard to screw up a burger...unless you use a pretty shitty bun that falls apart in your hands, or you somehow due to neglect and stupidity over-cook a burger to the point that it's charred black and the insides are a lifeless grey sponge.

Well the White Sox lost to the Texas Rangers but the Cubs got shutout by the rival Houston Astros. Yes!

> - Thursday May 27th, 2004 - < "kick him in the achilles heel!"

Well the White Sox shut out the Rangers tonight for their first back-to-back shutouts in 9 years, and the Sox won 2 out of 3 against the Rangers. The Anaheim Angels come to Chicago for a 3 game series. The Cubs have the night off after getting their asses pounded by the Astros in Houston after getting swept in a two game series and head to Pittsburgh for 4 games, including a Friday doubleheader. And of course, I once read some stat that 75% of all doubleheaders are split. We'll just see about that.

Another boring Thursday with a horrible TV night. I spent most of the night playing NHL 2002. You know, I never thought you could put too much cheese on a pizza...but I was wrong. And I really fucking love cheese. Pizza Slut putting cheese in the crust was nothing short of pure genius. Yeah, putting fistfuls of cheese onto a pizza *seems* like a good idea...until it starts oozing off the edges, along with the toppings and sauce & burning on the pan & stinking up the oven. Another thing I don't get, is when people put weird-ass toppings on pizzas, like pineapple, orange, pickles, anchovies, cucumbers, carrots, potatoes, chicken, ham, barbecue sauce, roast beef, celery, tuna fish, shrimp, clams and tofu. PUKE! You know, some things go good together, but not any of this shit on a pizza, or other weird shit like putting mozzarella cheese on a steak, or fruit and chocolate, or meat with any kind of loaf.

Also i read that the tv show "ALF" is coming out to DVD this november. ...... It seems they'll put any piece of shit out on DVD these days. It's kind of getting out of hands these days. Now I dunno how much it costs to put tv shows or movies out on to DVD's, but when they're selling from $5 to free, something ain't right. I think we're going to see an explosion of 'bargain bins' in stores in the next few years.

> - Friday, May 28th 2004 - < "your t.p. is like sandpaper."

"Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!" ~Homer Simpson

What a day! The Cubs got swept in a doubleheader in Pittsburgh against the Pirates, and the Cubs had the lead going into the 9th inning both games. But what's special about the 1st game, is the Cubs were up 5-4 going into the 9th, and the Pirates tied it... and then...with 2 outs...the Pirates hit a grand slam to win 9-5, but we all know that since the Pirates only needed to score one run to win the game, it being at home and the last inning, but instead they decided to hit a grandslam and stick it to the Cubs for another 3 extra runs! Yeah! And the White Sox beat the Anaheim Angels 4-3 to ramain the best team in Chicago by 3 games with a 28-19 record and a 2 game lead in the A.L. Central.

Today was also the supreme burger day, and I suppose with Memorial Day weekend coming up, it was justified. Today i had FOUR cheeseburgers...and two of them were double cheeseburgers!! Today lunch started off with two double cheeseburgers from Burger King with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon. A super, tasty and artery-hardening deal! Along with a medium box of fries and a Dr Pepper on ice, this was one fattening and greasy lunch! Then along came midnight some many, many hours later, and I was hungry again. This time i threw two, thick burger patties onto the grill, and while this was cooking, i cracked open an egg, added some milk and made scrambled eggs, and afterwards, saut�ed some mushrooms.

After the burgers were done, i put a slice of deli-fresh american cheese on the bun heel, put the burger on it, then on to the top bun (flipped over) another slice of american cheese, then plopped on some scrambled eggs and the mushrooms, and repeated this for the 2nd burger, then mircowaved it to melt the cheese / re-heat up the mushrooms / scrambled eggs & and after some 55 seconds, i took them out and put the top buns onto the burgers. I call it.. "the Twilight Burger". maybe I'll come up with a better name for it someday. This burger has no lettuce, tomatoes, onions, mustard or ketchup or pickles of any kind... it's a very soft and moist burger.

The only thing that could have made this burger any better, was either another pattie of beef stacked on, or a 3rd burger. I dunno how you feel about putting scrambled eggs on burgers, but it's very tasty.

> - Saturday May 29th 2004 - <   there are no accidents

Well today the White Sox threw out their 5th starter from their rotation against the Anaheim Angels, and of course, lost again for an 0-7 record with an ERA around 9. Of course, the victim in this game is the soon to be deported / executed Jon Rauch. If you noticed, the Angel's logo has the state of California in it...back when they were called the "California Angels" from 1966 thru 1996, but when Disney bought the team, they decided to change the name to "Anaheim" and change the logo & uniform so they could make another crappy movie about baseball and the Angels.   (thanks Disney for ruining another aspect of our lives). The Cubs lost their 5th straight tonight and have fallen all the way down to 5th place in the N.L. Central.

Memorial Day... really? what's the deal with it? And what's the deal with the WNBA? Who the hell actually watches it? Is it sheer coincidence that attendance is going down every year while the NBA teams are footing the bill in this bogus, bullshit league?

Anyway, what's the deal with it always raining on Memorial Day Weekend? And what's the deal with asshole gas stations always raising the hell out of their gasoline prices to screw over the driver who has plans on making a long trip this weekend? And what's the deal with the drivers who ignore the gas hikes and go on their trips anyway? And what's with their arrogance of not sticking it to "the Man" for hiking up the gas prices and instead stay at home this weekend? And what's the deal with Memorial Day? All I know is that during wars, taxes go up and i do not like higher taxes. I mean, come on! Like we really need another higher living expense.   And what's the deal with August being the only month without a major holiday? I think we'd all like another bullshit day or two off in a month. What's the deal? I mean, c'mon ON! what's the deal?!

good lord..i just realized i've had 6 cheeseburgers in a span of 4 days, and two of them were double cheeseburgers.

> - Monday May 31st 2004 - < I will teach you to crash the boat

Hmm...apparently I have found (or so it seems) the ending to the finale of "Everybody Loves Raymond". Wow...I was just speechless. Tho now that the cat is out of the bag, the writers will have to come up with something else better for the series finale, because there's nothing worse than a show that's been on for years and years to have a horrible, unfunny and pointless ending that doesn't blow away the viewer.

My Professed Dubious Life - by Raymond Barone

As I sit here on my typewriter in the office, I eagerly await for the manicotti my wife is preparing in the kitchen. Over the years I have written for the Daily News to my readers of a life where I live in a house on Rhode Island next door to my parents where I'm a sportswriter and have 3 kids. I must confess, my whole journalist integrity has been one big fat lie. My whole life is what I really wanted it to be. My parents don't live next door. They live in Florida, and spend most of their time traveling around the world and visiting many art museums and historic exhibits. Frank and Marie are not loud-mouthed shit-spewers. Frank is actually a tall, handsome man with a full head of thick silver hair, white teeth and a 28 inch waist and Marie is frail as a noodle and cannot cook worth a damn. My father hates sports and he never took me to any games, as I stated in my first column; how he took me to Shea Stadium and taught me about baseball; was all a big lie.

Though this part is the most painful to confess. My wife is not named Debra, it's Linda, and she can cook. She used to be a chef in downtown New York before happily settling down as a homemaker, tho she still loves to put out many delectable banquets every holiday and barbecue. The idea of a short, bitchy anorexic with a hot body on her & who couldn't cook and refused to put-out sounded like a pretty cool idea for a wife to me, but in reality she's kinda tall and has some dough on her thighs, but she is very nice and loving. Not a mean bone in her body.

As for my freaky, tall brother Robert who is a cop and has a wife named Amy...it's all a crock of bullshit. Robert is only 5' 7", is thin, neat and gay. And no, he's not a cop...he's an airline stewardess. As for our twin boys, Michael is actually Jeffery and Jeffery is actually Michael. Ally was just some fictional daughter character. This whole family life I made up about a fantasy land in Rhode Island is the way I always wanted things. I never, ever see my parents or brother, or any other family member. It gets lonely reading novel after novel every night.

I want to apologize to the Daily News and to all of my readers for all the years of lying and unrealistic story plots and obnoxious and sometimes psychotic incoherent rants. I just couldn't keep cashing my $7,000 a-week check and keep up this charade. Well it's time for us to eat. But finally.....we're not Italian.... we're Irish Jews.

END

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