07
20
>  Sunday April 1st, 2007  <   �The price of ginger has caused us to relocate.�

Alright, here we go again.  The Untitled Daily Column Project is back and it still has no name.  Opening Day is tomorrow, and I�ll have my baseball picks up shortly.  A few thoughts on this season:

I have no idea who will win the World Series.  The N.L. East is up for either the Mets or Phillies, the Central is so wide open the Milwaukee Brewers could win it, and the West is the usual borefest.  The A.L. East will be for the nth time Red Sox vs Yankees.  The theory going around is that the A.L. Central is going to have 4 first place teams in it.  However, Minnesota lost two starting pitchers, Cleveland has like no bullpen or solid starter past the # 2, and the Tigers will inevitably be strained with tired and overused arms like last season�s White Sox, and Kenny Rogers will miss at least half the season.  So basically, it�s the White Sox division to lose, and if people, especially the starting pitching and especially Mark Buehrle start tanking, then the Sox will finish either 3rd or 4th.  I didn�t even bat an eyelash when Ozzie Guillen said he wanted Carlos Zambrano in a Sox uniform next season.  Completely unrealistic, the Sox will never give out a contract for more than 3 years and they refuse to pay free agent pitchers (it�s all cheap and young from here out). 

Suffice to say, I wasn�t too thrilled of trading Freddy Garcia over the Winter, but apparently his velocity is still down and Kenny pulled a turd-on-your-face trade with the Phillies, and luck have it, the Phillies play in the most homer-friendly park.  I�m still pretty pissed off about the McCarthy trade with Texas, turns out the Sox didn�t like his �attitude� and other stupid shit.  Well shit, if I was a starting pitcher and I got stuck in the bullpen while a crappy pitcher like Javier Vazquez pitched in my place, I�d be pissed off too.  I�ll tell you about the White Sox: if you don�t get along and kiss their asses no matter how big of a jerk or how stupid they are or how warped their being of logic is, you won�t be on the team, no matter how good you are or what you�ve done for them. 

Also on Monday, we�ll have a new NCAA Basketball Champion.  I don�t ever recall the Championship being on the same day as Opening Day.  Two major events shouldn�t happen on the same day.  But anyways, the blog is back.  In conclusion:

Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.
>  Monday April 2nd, 2007  <   �Chicago Train Derailment Blues�







And now, my 2007 picks:

A.L. West
ANA
TEX
OAK
SEA


N.L. West
LAD
SD
SF
ARI
COL

* - Wild Card
ALDS: NYY over ANA in 3
ALWC: CHW over BOS in 5
ALCS: NYY over CHW in 6

NLDS: NYM over LAD in 4
NLWC: PHI over HOU in 3
NLCS: PHI over NYM in 6

WS: NYY over PHI in 6.

What is my reasoning behind this?  I don�t know.  Quite honestly, I could reverse any of those combinations, and I�d say potentially anyone of those teams could win it all.  All it takes is a hot streak.  I�m wary of picking a Philly team to win it all, since they tend to choke the most.  I say teams that are headed for a huge crash this year are: OAK, WAS, PIT, ATL, MIN and BAL.  In a happy world, the Devil Rays would qualify for a Wild Card and the Brewers would win the N.L. Central, with the D-Backs suddenly taking charge of the N.L. West and the White Sox start off April with 19 wins.  Of course, none of this will ever happen, and it will be the same boring shit again this year.  Yeah the Yankee�s Opening Day pitcher Carl Pavano hasn�t pitched since mid �05 and you�d love to see that pitching staff completely fall apart, but that stupid lineup of theirs will keep them in every game all summer. 

And now, we bring our attention to this matter: 755.  The once-thought unreachable and most prestigious of all sports records is now a mere fart away from being broken.  Karma will be doing everything it can through the people involved to make sure this doesn�t happen (maybe a little help from Karma�s cousin, �Superstition�, and his sister, �Coincidence�).  I can honestly say that if Bonds breaks that homerun record, we can officially burn the record book, because it will be completely useless & I will never believe a single record ever again nor will I ever defend a single stat ever again.  And I hope that if you get the Extra Innings package, that you have Direct TV, otherwise you�re completely shit out of luck.  Way to fuck your fans up the ass, MLB.
A.L. Central
CHW
DET
CLE
MIN
KC

N.L. Central
HOU
STL
MIL
CIN
CHC
PIT
A.L. East
NYY
BOS *
TOR
TB
BAL

N.L. East
PHI
NYM *
FLA
ATL
WAS
>  Tuesday May 1th, 2007  <   "Fucking kids. Thinking the street is their own personal parking lot."







Scene during 'Scrubs'.  Patient is fastly dying in his bed due to an infection and nurse Carla and Dr. Cox are trying to revive him.

Dr. Cox: "COME ON!!!!  YOU'RE NOT DYING ON ME NOW!!!! NO!!! NOOOO!!! CLEAR! **zappppp** "CLEAR!!!" **zapppp** "oh GOD NO!!! AHHHHHHH!!! DAMN IT!!! GOD DAMN IT!!! AHHHHH!!!!! **begins trashing patient's room** "AHHHHH!!! DAMN IT!!! DAMN IT!!!!"

**lyrics of song playing in the background during the suspenseful scene:**

"deep clean-er,
bad sing-er,
sus-pend bea-ver,
chest hea-ver,
spring clean-er,
green drink-er,
fax tink-ler,
rain-bow clea-ver,
vast steam-er,
conjuction leav-er,
I-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii shook the be-liev-er
two-toed fev-er
scratch my re-liev-er...."

Dr. Cox: "NO!! DAMN IT!!!" **continues trashing room** **puts hand up behind his head** "AHHHHHHHH!!" **sighs**

**fade to blackout**

Dolph: "You know, I don't understand why they chose to play a ridiculously up-beat song during such a tensely dramatic moment."
>  Wednesday May 2rd, 2007  <   "Consider this my 2-week notice..retroactive to 14 days ago. Ta!�







Young adult woman in office cubicle turns the Adult Lite Rock radio station on: **gets up & dances around** "la la la... "

Old man boss shouting from office: "SOMEBODY TURN THAT CRAP OFF NOW!!!!!!!"
>  Thursday May 3st, 2007  <   "poopin' on a shit"

Bobby Hill needs to lay off the fruit pies. Fatty needs to go on a diet.


Hank shouting: "You ARE...what you EAT! You got 3 food groups, and they sure as HELL ain't Fries, Chips A-Hoy and Milk Duds! And you all wonder why your face looks like topographic maps of the Himalayas!!!"

Bobby: "Huh??"

Hank: "Hmmm that's strange. That felt like an out-of-body experience."
>  Friday May 4rd, 2007  <   "No! Flee!  Flee like you've never fleeed before!!"







This entry took way, way, WAY too long to make.  Another inexplicable entry about the Beatle's White album with appropriate re-worded, original and relevant titles.

Disc 1

1. The Big 3 (We Hate Ringo) - Back in the USSR, ripping off Beach Boys songs
2. The Beatles - Dear Prudence: stop meditating so god damn much!
3. The Beatles -  The Confusion Song (Glass Onion)
4. Paul The Catch-Phrase Thief - Aye Mon! Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, mon!
5. Jerk Paul - Wild Honey Pie (What The Shit Were We On???)
6. The Yokeatles - All The Children Sing 'what did you kill?'
7. The Beatles & Clapton (we need hacks) ' While My Guitar Gently Weeps About Western Culture
8. The Beatles - Happiness is a Warm Gun / Mother Superior Jumped the Gun / Happiness is still a Warm Gun
9. Asshole Paul w/The Beatles - Martha My Dog
10. John - I'm So Tired Of This Shit of India Meditating / Paul Is Dead (Miss Him)
11. Ego Paul - Crow (The Black Bird Song)
12. George Harrison - Pigges: The Charles Manson Revolution Song
13. Paul McCartney Controls the Universe - Rocky Sassoon (The Gin Song)
14. Ringo Starr - Me First Song: 'Some Kind Of Friendly' (Don't Pass Me By)
15. Drunk & Horny Paul - Why Don't We Do It In The Road
16. Ego Paul - I Will (....Follow The Sun, ver. 2)
17. Solo John - Mummy Julia

Disc 2

1. The Beatles - Patti (Clapton) Harrison's Birthday
2. John with the Beatles - Yer (fuck you Paul) Blues
3. Hippie Paul - Mother Nature's Son
4. The Beatles - Come On, Come On (Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me and My Monkey)
5. The Beatles - Sexy Maharishi (You Duped Us All)
6. The Drunk Beatles - Ringo's Got Blisters (Helter Skelter)
7. George Harrison - Long Long Long Bottle of Blue Nun Wine
8. The Hippies - Revolution 1, The Slow Version Nobody Likes / We Hate Vietnam Wars
9. Fucker Paul - Honey Pie Fucks A Hard One
10. The Beatles - Savory Truffle Put Holes in Clapton's Teeth
11. The Beatles / Big Ego Paul - Cry Baby Cry, Can You Take Me Back Where I Came From
12. John & Yoko - One Bad Acid Trip (aka Somebody Didn't Lock the Studio One Night / The 9 Worst Minutes Ever / 9 Unlistenable Minutes)
13. Ringo Sings - Good Night Julian Lennon

White Album fact: "Every time I listen to this, I remember eating nachos & drinking fruit punch soda the first few times I listened to it."
>  Saturday May 5st, 2007  <   "'You're different, you're retarded, get used to it!'"







Dr. Phil in mid-sentence...

Dr. Phil: "O'kaaaayyyyy, so what yer gonna wanna dooooo is, sit yerself down ah'nd or-der a seventy' two ounce steak and a coupl'a glasses of gravy o'kaaaaay..."

woman #1: "What?"

Dr. Phil: "Then yer gonna wanna take off yer pants, 'cause yer waistline is gonna expand by 'bout ten-folddddddd..."

woman #1: "...and this fixes my son's chronic masturbation problem HOW?"

Dr. Phil: "...and then you take yer Texas Toast ah'nd dip 'er in yer gravyyyyyyyyy..."

different woman: "My daughter keeps stealing all of my batteries!!!"

Dr. Phil: "...and then you start wolfin' 'er down like you never seen a piece of ass in yer liiiiiiiife..."

different woman: "Okay...."

Dr. Phil: "...and then you or'der yerself some fries, ah'nd a burger ah'nd a Shepard's Piiiiiiiiie ah'nd Chicken Fried Steaaaaaak..."

woman #1: "You have...no idea..."

Dr. Phil: "...and you stick yer finger in yer gravy ah'nd start movin' it 'rounnnnd.  Ah'nd then you should be feeling pretty good 'bout yerself."

woman #1: **stressed out** "I can't believe I used a sick day for this."

Dr. Phil: "O'kay when we ah return, we'll be dis'cussin' on what ma' wiiiiiiiife's been spendin' all ma' money onnnnn. We'll be right back."

**guitar jingle cut to commercial**
>  Sunday May 6nd, 2007  <   "Faultco: showing how little we care. Proud sponsor of Nike, Inc."







Today's blog entry was not available due to the office's pet gopher chewed on all of the computer's wires.
>  Monday May 7rd, 2007  <   "'Remember when 'going to the bathroom' actually MEANT going to the bathroom??'"

husband sitting in chair in den: "You know what I think?  I think these weightloss programs are a scam!  I think the before pictures are actually the AFTER pictures, and then they pay these people to eat unhealthy food and put on a whole lot of weight and then take the BEFORE pictures!"

wife: **rolls eyes & leaves room**

husband: "What??"
>  Tuesday May 8nd, 2007  <   "Faultco: showing how little we care. Proud sponsor of Nike, Inc."







Game 2 Monday night: Pistons 108, Bulls 87.

That was pathetic.  That was...beyond...pathetic.  Bulls now in a 2-0 hole, and they pretty much are done and have no answer to the Pistons.  Oh well.
>  Wednesday May 9rd, 2007  <   "boy that makes me a big angry doughboy! you made me spill my cup of beer!"







teenage girl whose in high school is reading magazine at kitchen table: "bah.  Even SHE'S kissed more girls than me."

Mother: "Girls kiss boys, Nancy!"

Nancy: **GRUNT**

Mother: "How about we invite that nice boy Timmy over for dinner tonight, Nancy?"

Nancy: "Gross!"

Mother: "How about that handsome Chet?  He's the captain of the football team!"

Nancy: "Yuck!"

dad shouting from other room: "YEAH, WHOOO!!! SPORTS!!!!!"

Nancy: "Mom, I'm a lesbian."

Mother: "Oh come on now.  I'm sure there's plenty of boys in school who like you.  How about we buy you a dvd?"

Nancy: "I'm a lesbian and I'm going to do things!  We're gonna start up organizations, and hold Lesbian fight rallies, and cause a whole lot of trouble!!"

Mother: "how about an iPod?"

Nancy: "We're gonna fight for Lesbian bathrooms and textbooks written all by lesbians and FOR lesbians!!!"

Mother: "a car?"

Nancy: "And we're gonna walk around being all angry and surly, 'cause this is all about Women's Lib!  Lesbians don't pay no fines and lesbians don't wait in no lines!!   Because that's what we do!!!!"

Mother commenting to herself: "Ugh.  My sister is a lesbian.  I figured we go through this since it runs in the family."

Nancy: "I'm inviting my partner Alice over after school & we're going to hang out!"

dad shouting from other room: "Can I watch?"

Nancy: "NO!!!!!"


voiceover: "Next week on 'My Daughter is a Lesbian'...."

Nancy screaming: "Daaaaaaaaad my dyke left me!!!!!"

dad shouting from other room: "Um, nothing to watch there."

Nancy to camera: "MEN!"


voiceover: "Two weeks on 'My Daughter is a Lesbian'...."

Nancy in school at a lunch table sitting with new girlfriend Vera: "AAAAAUUUUUGH YOU'RE SUFFICATING ME!!!" **runs off**


voiceover: " 'My Daugther is a Lesbian', on Fox!"
>  Thursday May 10nd, 2007  <   "You're idiots, and we're all stupider because of you"







person: "Man tv is awful today.  I can't believe the crap they allow.  We need the wit of 'Herman's Head' more than ever!  And that was a great show!  Heck, it ran for what, 8, 9, 10 seasons??"

other person: "2."

person: "two??"

other person: **moans** "It just felt like 10 seasons."

person: "ooooooohhhh..."
>  Friday May 11rd, 2007  <   "Phil Spector's like, 'i'm not gonna shoot you...'"







Stuck on Glue
D. Rudager

Well I'm stuck on you
stuck on glue with you
my girlfriend is stuck on glue
what am I gonna do?

leave my house
leave my house
leave my house
leave my house
why won't you leave my house?

I'm sitting down
You're still standing
You look like a clown
Why the hell are you so demanding?

leave my house
leave my house
leave my house
leave my house

Why won't you leave my house?
loser! loser! loser! You're a loser!
she's stuck on glue!
my girlfriend won't leave my house!
I'm stuck on you, stuck on glue
Hey hey what can I do?
I got a woman, she's covered in glue!

leave my house!
leave my house!
leave my house!
leave my house!
please leave my house...

stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck in glue
stuck on you, 'cause of glue
you're covered in glue...
I am too....                                                                      5/9/07
>  Saturday May 12nd, 2007  <   "Vote Rudager.  He has a gun."







Catching Up With Bo Brakestudy
By Dolph Rudager
Associated Press

CHICAGO - Caught up with old major league manager Bo Breakstudy, now a broom pusher in a local donut shop, reflects on his 14 years of managing Major League Baseball.

Rudager: "How does it feel to be working in a donut shop?"

Brakestudy: "I don't need to wear no bulletproof vest no more."

Rudager: "Tell me about your style of managing."

Brakestudy: "Well you knows how it is.  I'm an old man, and from where we's come from, the hitters stay away from the pitchers.  Hitting wins games.  You can throw no-hitters 'til yer ass turns blue, but you still gotta get runs across the plate.  And pitchers are expected to throw on 3 day's rest & complete both doubleheader games. And always: veterans over young guys.  Old players get the respect because they're there the longest."

Rudager: "Why aren't you managing anymore?"

Brakestudy: "Well theys stopped calling me.  Maybe managing 4 teams was enough."

Rudager: "Is there anything you don't miss about managing?"

Brakestudy: "The constant booing.  The fans taking over my managing duties.  The heckling.  The dead rats in my desk drawer.  The air being let out of my tires.  The embarrassment of having to actually pay for my meals when I thought I'd be comp'ed.  Having beer bottles thrown at me with managing tips taped on.  Um.... dealing with the media after a loss."

Rudager: "It's been rather well documented, that the pitching staffs you've handled, have derailed a remarkable amount of rookies, veterans and future Hall of Famers with numerous trips to the DL, countless injuries, multiple surgeries and prematurely ended careers."

Brakestudy: "I was a hitter.  I don't know or care jack shit about pitchers.  Don't want to, either.  They can manage themselves like the hitter's do."

Rudager: "I read that you don't believe in pitch counts."

Brakestudy: "No.  'Can't count."

Rudager: "You know, statistics prove that starting pitchers do much better on 4-days rest rather than 3, and it is essential to have a closer & a setup man, as well as a decent long reliever & specialists."

Brakestudy: "Sounds like fightin' words.  You wanna fight??!!!"

Rudager: "Um, sure.  Looking at some of these managing records...a career .314 winning percentage??"

Brakestudy: "I ain't allowed to go back to Philly no more, not after the four consecutive 130-loss seasons."

Rudager: "Chicago?"

Brakestudy: "Ugh.  Theys blamed me for everythings there.  The loss of jobs, the failure of the CTA, all them school fires, newspapers going bankrupt.  Even the stadium collapsing."

Rudager: "New York?"

Brakestudy: "I couldn't understand a single word theys was all sayin'.  You know the batboy was paid more than I was?"

Rudager: "Miami?"

Brakestudy: "They ain't got no money.  And only pussies stop games for rain.  You play in the sun or rain, all 162 games and play through every injury, which you will never, ever mention due to pride."
Rudager: "There was allegations that some of your ex-players were taking steroids."

Brakestudy: "Yeah theys got whole lockers that look like medicine cabinets. Theys was using stuff I never even heard of.  Or at least until all them '20/20 specials."  

Rudager: "Aren't you worried about the Steroids Probe in baseball?"

Brakestudy: "Nawwww.  We knows we's above the land and all that.  They can't get nuthin' on us."

Rudager: "And a..."

Brakestudy: "See these fans today, they's all wreckless an' raggin' on these ballplayers an' their $8 hot dogs and shit.   Back in the day we's got into fights with the fans and didn't give no two shits what they thought of us.  And if the manager thought we were a fucker, then we got fucked around with.  And if it was especially bad, we got pigfucked with.  You know what that means?"

Rudager: "What?"

Brakestudy: "It's when you fuck a PIG."

Rudager: "Okay..."

Brakestudy: "And that refers to a special kind of prostitute and AH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH."

Rudager: "I'm leaving now."

Breakstudy: "...HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH...."

Rudager: "No-talent dumbass HACK."

God how did people like him ever become managers.  I guess the people running the offices are just as stupid or stupider.
>  Sunday May 13st, 2007  <   "Abortion? What do you care? You're too old to have kids. **mocking** 'you got no eggs in the carton!'"







**changes channel**

Lucy from 7th Heaven: "I can't have jury duty!  My father is a priest! "

boyfriend: "Now it's your obligation as a legal citizen ... "

Lucy shouting: "I WILL SET FIRE TO THIS COURT HOUUUUUUUUUUSE!!!!!!!!"

**changes channel**

Alice: "we need more money, Mel."

Mel: "Shut up, Alice!  God damn it, Flo!!! Pick UP!!!"

Flo: "Mel, 'kiss my grits!' "

Mel: "VERA!!"

Vera: "oh I don't know, Mel. I'm so confused and..."

Flo tossing waitress apron off: "Well y'all I'm off to go star in ma' own failed self-titled TV sitcom then unceremoniously re-appear on television 12 years later starring as Tim Allen's mother on the TV show "Home Improvement" which will be on Tuesday nights on ABC 9pm Eastern / 8 Central."

Alice: "What?"

Mel: "That doesn't make any sens.."

**changes channel**

old Indian man: "Hellooooo therrrrrrre!  I'm an old Indian man. You can trust me.  I sell herbal joint medicine because it keeps my old bones and joints moving.  See?  They're moving! 
So buy my special medicine, it heals my old Indian body.  I'm an old Indian man.  Anything I say, goes!"

**turns off TV**
>  Monday May 14st, 2007  <   "fuck it ..until the sheep goes "bahhhhhhh" "







Well the Cubs sure blew it in Shea tonight.  A 4-0 lead, then 4-2, then 4-4, then with 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th, bases empty, the Mets get a hit, and then, 3 consecutive walks by the Cubs pitching staff, including a 12-pitch at-bat to Carlos Delgado, who sung at least two Ball 4's, finally got a pitch that was well high and outside.  Sweet Lou's reactions during the game was like "what the shit is going on here??? That isn't supposed to happen!!".  The media around town seems to be laughing at Sweet Lou, who has been deemed "Cubbed".  In any other logical situation (okay, sans Baltimore too) when a team spends a shitload of money, it usually results in a team winning a lot of games.  Well, these are the Cubs, and well, shit happens.  Players overrun the bases, outfielders drop flyballs, players run into each other (5 Cubs last in the 2nd half of the game that I saw which could have all resulted in serious injury).  Well Lou, this ain't New York, Cincy, Seattle or Tampa.  Better start taking your meds 'cause it's almost time for your heart attack in June. 

Speaking of which, the stupid Cubs / Sox rivalry weekend series at Wrigley is this Friday-Sunday.  I for one am not going to get all caught up in the rivalry.  I think it's still stupid and wrong for National League teams to be playing American League teams during the regular season, especially when the whole Interleague schedule is completely unbalanced, favorable for certain teams & is no long in any kind of legible rotation like in the NFL.  Interleague is a gimmick and that's all it is, and another stupid Bud Selig idea.  Too many people asked "what if" and this is what happened.  Oh ya, and never mind the American League domination, either. 

On to the weather report, this has been one odd early May.  Only 2 times in May Chicago history has the temp in a 2-day span dropped between 40-57 degrees from the high to the low, and it happening twice this year.  In May 1925, it went from 94 degrees to a low of 37 degrees in a 2-day span (-57*) and in May 2001, it went from 81 for a high to 38 for a low (-43*).  This past Thursday, it went from 84 degrees to a low of 44 degrees (-40*), and today, from a high of 90 to a low of 54, then Tuesday night's (predicted) low of 43 degrees, a -47* drop. The explanation?  Gulf of Mexico bursts followed by cold fronts.  Kind of like getting punched in the face, then getting kicked in the back.
>  Tuesday May 15nd, 2007  <   "'I can beeeeee any fuckin' bloody thingggggg...'"







I originally wasn't going to do this, but since I have fallen behind on blog entries, I will do it anyway.  Friday night, the Padres had a Turn Back The Clock game against the St. Louis Cardinals of 1972.  And of course, naturally, MLB fucked up the uniforms of both teams, hashed out a lazy effort that really most fans wouldn't notice or care about, but looks like shit. 

Personally, as you can tell by the blog primary colors, that I love that the Padres were in brown and yellow.  Perhaps too MUCH yellow, but nice never the less.  And in 1972 & '73, they wore all yellow uniforms at home AND on the road, with "SAN DIEGO" in capital arched letters.  Now the hat, that was introduced sometime in the middle of 1972, altho with a bigger shaped curved yellow front panel, which I guess was revised for 1973-79.

What's wrong: (pics below)
Belt (they wore elastic waists)
sleeve stripes (should have been higher & same width of yellow under it)
hat (doesn't curve enough, stupid yellow eyelids that were never used, incorrect logo / way too small and thin, should have yellow button on top, not brown)
batting helmet (they used to have a yellow triangle, not the whole front of it painted)
pants (way too long / no sock showing)
And finally, St. Louis used their current script (slightly altered Cardinal tails on the '72 birds) and a white outline.  What the fuck is that doing there??  That's never been there!  If you're going to go through all the trouble & the spending of thousands of dollars on a retro game, at least get the little things right.  It's not that hard.  Shit, I got almost all of my old pics off of eBay.  Or least put some one in charge of it who isn't a fucktard.
Ppd.
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>  Wednesday May 16st, 2007  <   "Paul: "Art's in trouble with the law again...""











I originally wasn't going to publish this, but since we need filler, it will be done.
Nobody gives a shit:
The King of Queens series finale
By Dolph Rudager
Associated Press

CHICAGO - "I didn't notice because I have more than one channel on my TV, but apparently the 'sitcom' The King of Queens ended tonight, and I was watching Game 2 of the Sox doubleheader.  But I will tell you what sucks: The King of Queens.  It sucks!  I think Doug Heffernan is the epiphany of everything that is wrong with the 'lazy stupid fat American male'.  It's not funny, he's an ass, and it sucks.

Anyways, The King of Queens is a terrible show.  It's terribly written, and from what I've read, the finale blows.   I watched this show in hour blocks in syndication for a few years & caught up on them, and suffice to say, I never really laughed once.  Sure it had amusing bits once in a while, Carrie gettin' drunk, Holly's idiocy, and Crazy Old Man Screaming Arthur, but nothing gave more than a single "ha", and that was a rarity.  Personally I found all of the supporting cast awkward and annoying.  And the show came off as 'pretty dumb', as to it was catering to a specific audience.  I don't find Stupid Humor funny.  The show is just shit.  It sucks.  Blah.  And according to the finale, it seems it was more of a drama and there were no good jokes.  Of course, the few dozen or so people who actually watch the show liked the finale.  You can find people that will like any ol' piece of shit.  There's a turd for every turd.  Of course that doesn't apply to Love.  Sorry porker's and fugly's.

Anyways, The King of Queens is what we call "hack sitcom".  It never earned any respect, it never won anything, nothing was ever gained and nothing was ever memorable.  It's basically the Tofu of television.   We ask questions like, "is our lives better because of this show?"  "Has this show enriched our being?"  No and no.  And the writers turded out by bring not one but TWO brats, including one being an adopted one from China.  And apparently Arthur divorced his new heifer, so that's that.  So Spence and Danny (I find James' real brother Steve Valentine one of the biggest annoying turds to have ever disgraced television)  hooked up in their gay Love Shack once again.  Oh ya, one of the worst things about The King Of Queens, is how sloppy the writing got, and later episodes completely ignored past episodes (I swear they had like 5 different 'When Doug met Carrie' episodes).  So....it's finally been put to rest and we can remember life before The King of Queens came on the air.

And P.S..... this show should have never made this long, 9 seasons / 207 episodes, let alone actually make it to a finale.  It should have left alone to rot and unceremoniously end.

Thanks for nothing, Ray Romano."
>  Thursday May 17nd, 2007  <   "'go and get your guns....the time has come...to follow me down.'"







A ha HA!  WOW.  Today there was a great comeback in baseball by the Mets.  Down 5-1, 1 out in the bottom of the 9th and they win!

Bottom of the 9th, Cubs closer Ryan Dempster in. 
D. Newhan singled to center. R. Castro lined out to right
C. Gomez singled to right center, D. Newhan to third
C. Beltran hit for A. Burgos
C. Gomez to second on fielder's indifference
C. Beltran walked
E. Chavez walked, D. Newhan scored, C. Gomez to third, C. Beltran to second
R. Gotay singled to left, C. Gomez scored, C. Beltran to third, E. Chavez to second
S. Eyre relieved R. Dempster
D. Wright hit for S. Green
D. Wright singled to center, C. Beltran scored, E. Chavez to third, R. Gotay to second
C. Delgado singled to right, E. Chavez and R. Gotay scored, D. Wright to second

All 5 earned runs charged to Dempster.  And the pitches, were all close, and the basehits were all pretty average, including the game winner just barely got past a diving R. Theriot.  And the Cubs drop 3 of 4 to the 1st place Mets.  Sweet Lou was all like, "What the FUCK was that???"

This was also Ron Santo's last game at Shea Stadium, hence he's not making the '08 trip and well, he hates that hellhole.

Santo: "I would come personally back here to blow it up.  I'd pay my own way. Maybe even just to watch it."

Of course, when Santo isn't being angry in his old age, he's putting down pink bats from Mother's Day (stupid gimmick) say "There can't be any good wood under a pink bat" he was busy melting his hair.

"2003 Opening Day there was an incident, of where Santo stood up for the National Anthem in the booth, only to have an overhead heater singe his toupee."

Of course they're taking apart Shea Stadium piece by piece, but that won't stop Ron Santo from commenting.

Santo: "I hate this god damn hellhole.  This stadium ruined my career and it ruined my life.  I hate everything there is about this place.  The stadium, the field, the clubhouse, the press box, the bathrooms, the history and especially the fans.  It seems like nothing but bad things happened to me here.  Strikeouts, errors, scrapes, blood-sugar problems, food poisoning and especially rashes.  Putting toilet paper on the seat didn't matter.  I hate this god damn place.  Fuck Shea Stadium.  May it burn in Hell for all eternity."

Ouch!
>  Friday May 18nd, 2007  <   "wishful sinful, wicked poon..."







Ah the day of the Turkey Burger. With a teaspoon of Worcestershire sauce & dijon mustard and some black pepper, grilled to perfection on a soft wheat bun topped with lettuce and mayo, complimented with a side of grilled corn: the only way corn should be served.  Thanks to Iron Chef Timothy Bohus's mastery of the grill. 

Oh ya, and before I go....

OZZIE YOU STUPID PIGFUCKER!!!  YOU DON'T PUT YOUR SHITTIEST WILDEST RELEIVER WITH A RUNNER ON 3RD!!!!! STUPID LOUD-MOUTHED SHITHEAD!!!
>  Saturday May 19st, 2007  <   "he lives in the bathroom, he has a whole lot of problems!"







Quoted from Saturday's paper:

"Giambi: We're sorry. Yankees slugger Jason Giambi says Major League Baseball should apologize to the public for its widespread performance enhancing drug problem.  Claiming he's likely been tested for performance-enhancing drugs more often than anyone, Giambi told USA today in a story on its website Friday that the apology is long overdue. 

'I was wrong for doing that stuff,', Giambi told the newspaper. 'What we should have done a long time ago was stand up - players, ownership, everybody - and said, 'We made a mistake.'

"We should have apologized back then and made sure we had a rule in place and gone forward. ...Steroid and all of that was part of history.  But it was a topic that everybody wanted avoid.  Nobody wanted to talk about it.' "

Apology.....rejected!

I can't forgive you.  Nor could I ever.  You basically molested a sport in all that is fair in sportsmanship, exploited everything all for money and personal ego and statistics.  Because of people like you, I, as well as many other fans, no longer look at the record book with any kind of respect, and everything we've seen in the past 20 years was a sham.  The only legacy a player leaves is the statistic, and when that becomes a blemish, then there's nothing left.  Just a bunch of smoke and mirrors, and a bunch of random numbers.  What you can do, is start up a brand new record book, starting with only rookie players, and we'll go from there.
>  Sunday May 20rd, 2007  <   "You fucking broke it!   Hahahahaha!"







There's word out that the 2008 Orioles road uniforms will have "Baltimore" on them, according to some published reports of rumors.  Basically, the deadline for changes for the next year's uniform is May 31st, and that a team can only change their uniform once every 3 years.  And upon further review, it seems that the Orioles are denying this, tho this may be due to the inevitable fashion show that comes with uniform changes come Winter.  Tho every year some news gets stirred up by the 8 remaining Orioles fans about putting 'Baltimore' back on the jerseys and every year they're disappointed. 

There's also some flim-flam about the Florida Marlins getting a new spring training stadium in Florida closer to Miami, along in conjunction with some still-not found financing for the new Florida Marlins ballpark, that the team would change the name to the "Miami Marlins".
Well apparently the Oakland A's have ballpark financing in place, thanks to owner Lew Wolff.  A "Ballpark Village" in Fremont CA, at $1.8 billion, which would have a 32,000 seat baseball-only stadium, a hotel, almost 3,000 luxury townhouses, 550,000 square feet of retail and restaurant space.  And he would control all of it, on 230 acres.  There's also a naming rights deal with the company Cisco, as well as land Wolff purchased from them.  Tho immediately, I'm going to dub thy stadium
"Crisco Field", after the shortening in the spirits of self-naming ballparks.  They say that Clemente Field is one of the best stadiums in baseball, while Friar Field is one of the few modern stadiums that didn't go retro, and Sox Park has great sidelines everywhere in the park. 

And finally...

Hey.  Hey!  Hey YOU!  Stop writing about soccer!!  Nobody gives a shit about soccer in this country.  Stop writing about it!  Nobody cares!  Stop it.  Stop it!  Stop it.  Nobody gives a fuck about the teams, or the scores or the players, or who played who or what called what is wearing in what.  We do not want to read about soccer!  Bad!  Bad soccer fan!
>  Monday May 21nd, 2007  <   "Remember: 6 and 2, coffee for you.  6 and 1, coffee for none."







The April 2007 edition of the Untitled Daily Column Project has been archived & can be viewed by clicking on the white arrow pointing to the right inside the brown ball.

And in the spirit of "Healthy Unhealthy Eating", I made a tasty KFC sandwich using a leftover bucket chicken breast, microwaved it on a saucer for grease draining for about 2 minutes, then sliced off a piece of white meat and stuck that on a soft hamburger bun with the perfect amount of Miracle Whip and lettuce.  Much better than the Snacker.   And what is Healthy Unhealthy Eating?  Basically draining / blotting off fat & grease, eating less carbs, not adding as much cheese or mayo or any bacon, eating baked snacks as sides,  and adding greens and shit like tomato products.  Ya you're eatin' shit, but not-as-bad-for-you shit!

"But I can't poop this shit out on my own.  No I know.  I'm no superman.  I'm no superman."

[created by]
Dolph Rudager
>  Tuesday May 22rd, 2007  <   "Yea this Pepsi so much better than all that weed n' crack we did!"







Suddenly getting video game baseball fever, I decided to fire up the old High Heat Baseball 2001 game and start up a new season, even tho I stopped months ago in the middle of a 2014 28-game White Sox season; World Series actually; with players like Hick Mullen, Jesus McNamara, Peek-A-Boo Green, Vern Dozier, Buster Carpenter & star pitcher Knuckley Spagoo, a team based on balance.  And another season I stopped months ago, a 50 game season with pre-1993 divisions, which this team dedicated to speed & contact, where 5 guys have 37 or more stolen bases and 6 guys hitting .400 or more.  Players on this White Sox team include Mark Grace, Jason Kendall, Bowels Adams, Jimmy JJ Walker (no relation), Harry Riverside, Solly Jolly, Tony Shit, Dan Mullet, Ameral Cook, coasting the A.L. West of the 2001 Asshole League with a 30-4 record & a 13 game lead on Minnesota.  The only thing that sucks is you can't change the team cities, but just about everything else. 

Tho basically, I'll pick a team, like the White Sox or Padres, and build them from scratch with my ideal team in mind.  This time, I a chose all-power no-hit no-speed  team, and I call it "The Rob Deer Season".  If you recall, he was a (for then) portly baseball player in the 1980s & 1990s who hit 25 homeruns every year but hit .213.  So low and behold, I searched throughout the Majors and all minors looking for batters with the highest power along with low hitting average.  About 90% of the team is minor leaguers, 19-21 year old guys. The divisions as follows:

2000 Cheese League
Nor-easter  Midwest   West Coast
BOS            CHW        ANA
BAL             KC           OAK
TB               DET         SEA
TOR            MIN          TEX
NYY            CLE          ARI

2000 Beer League
ESPN        South       West
NYM          ATL          SD
PHI            FLA          LA
MON          STL          SF
CIN            HOU         MIL
PIT             COL         CHC

Why did I shake up the National League?  I don't know.  And how did the Brewers and Cubs get in the West?  I don't know.  Somehow it feels right that they're more west than south.  Plus I felt like doing things in regional chunks rather than time zones.  Plus with a 50-game / No Interleague schedule, I was able to have a balanced schedule & even divisions.  Tho it seems the game's schedule maker decided that the Rangers & Dodgers were the one who were going to have the ridiculous schedule due to the 15 teams per league thing, with craziness like playing 1 game series, having 7 off days in 11 days, a two-week longer season, and so on, and so forth.  I thought making a league formed like this would have crashed the game, but no, it kept on ticking.  Minimum divisions are 2 teams, the max is 20.  You could have a two-team league, like say a Yankees & Red Sox masturbatory thing, and the schedule makes an 81-game road trip to Yankee Stadium, then a 81-game road trip to Fenway, then meet up in a Best of 7 World Series.  So yeah, The last place team with a sub-.500 record / 98 losses could end up winning the World Series.  Cocktacular!  Or you could have 6 30-team divisions, where you'd be lucky to play the same team twice.  Or you could have a 2-team league, and play 162 1-inning ballgames.  Only the starting pitchers ever end up with the decision, pitchers having 15-18 records.  One season there was 150 shutouts, amazing!  And then there's the cut-throat league, piling all 30 teams in one division, and you hope that one or two of the teams in the pennant race is yours.  You got teams with 96 wins who finished 3rd & 12 games out.  22 teams 20 games out of 1st place or more.  Now that's totally hard-core old school!

Anyways, from my Rob Deer League, results have been mixed on hitting: some are .330 hitters, some .270, some .200.  Seeing a lot of fly-outs due to "all or nothing" strategy, but of course a strong pitching staff is the key, since I'm in a lot of 1-run ballgames.  Aced by Dolph Rudager, 21, who throws 104 mph and has a slider so sharp it cuts your dick off.  Then by trading away my old White Sox 1999 star players, I got Tim Hudson, 24, from Oakland; Jason Schmidt, 27 from the Giants; Roy Halladay, 23 from Toronto; and Chris Carpenter, 23 also from Toronto.  So basically almost all rookies, followed by the leftovers in the Sox pen like Billy Simas, Keith Foulke (27) & Bob Howry, back when he was good.  The team was middle of the pack after Cleveland rattled off a 9-game win streak, then the Sox got a 15-game win streak going so 1st place is pretty secure, tho most teams couldn't afford the kind of starting pitching I have.
>  Wednesday May 23st, 2007  <   "pass the phone, pass the phone, pass the phooone....."







Well it's that time of the year again, where I sum up what the hell I've been watching in the 2006-07 TV season.

9.  Saturday Night Live (1975- --). Wow.  With 10 cast members, SNL was the smallest since, since the last time it was this small.  Biggest problems with this season: lazy writing, lackluster hosts, repetitive skits, poor TV Funhouses and 50 minute shows.  Weekend Update improved its cast but at times did awful with terrible jokes and bad cues & reactions.  On the plus side, the newer cast members finally got some screen time after the older ones kept hogging the ball.  And of course, SNL suddenly became relevant to young people & YouTube, putting out digital shorts made by cast member Andy Samberg & some outside guys, called "The Lonely Island", founded in 2001 by Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, and Andy Samberg, starting with "Dick in a Box" with Justin Timberlake.  (NO I DON'T HAVE IT LINKED ON HERE SO GO AWAY GOOGLER!!!!).  As far as of now, Maya Rudolph has left the show and there is an opening for a spot.  If SNL gets rid of its older cast members (Hammond, Poehler, Myers, Forte and Armisen) SNL can finally get into the 21st century and move forward and make some strides. 

8.  Scrubs (2001-2008). This show took a HUGE step downward in its 6th season.  This went from being a comedy and drama show to fucking petty soap relationship shit & little humor, including the low-point where Bill Lawrence decided to do a serious political episode, which turned out to be awful.  Leave the preaching to the message boards, k Billo?  There was no gas in the tank this season and it's got a whole one to go through next.   

7.  House (2004- --). This is another show that got taken down a notch, and it passed the Syndication line at the 60th episode during the season.   What happened with this show: the pace went down and the jokes fewer and far between.  This show is starting to get soapy too.  And House still hasn't cured cancer or AIDS.  Tho maybe he'll do it when it airs right after the 2008 Super Bowl.

6.  My Name Is Earl (2005- --). Watching rednecks is getting old.  Tho the best episode of the season is when Norm MacDonald reprised his Burt Reynolds from SNL to play Burt Reynold's son "Little Chubby".  Well Earl's in jail for the next two years, so the show will have that to play with. 

5.  King of the Hill (1997-2008). Mike Judge has stated that he's sick and tired of working on this show because they work really hard on getting the character expressions right.  Banished to the post-NFL season slot and moved around almost weekly, somehow KOTH got good ratings and to Mike Judge's contempt: renewed for a 12th season.  Luanne marrying Lucky (Tom Petty) seemed like a fitting finale.   Time to squeeze more water out of that rock.

4. Since I feel like a leech since it is Public Television, I'm going to advertise all of the cooking shows I watch on PBS into one big lump:  Cooking With Todd English, New Scandinavian Cooking With Claus Meyer,  Everyday Food (90 minutes), Barbeque University with Steve Raichlen, Jacques Pepin, America's Test Kitchen (60 minutes), Mexico: One Plate At A Time with Rick Bayless,

3.  Family Guy (1999- --). 5th season the weakest yet.  Offensive, and all hit or miss now.  It's the Rob Deer of adult cartoons.  Family Guy needs to get back to its roots & stop the whole "let's punch Meg / Stewie's orientation / Peter is absolute gag" shit. 

2.  American Dad (2005- --). Just when I think this show is going to be boring, it actually comes up funnier and more interesting than Family Guy.  Reminds me of Family Guy's first 3 seasons: original and funny plots without getting too zany or preachy.  Well done.

1.  The Office (2005- --). Hands down the best show on TV.  Now that it's well past its British copying and are now charting into new territory coming up with unique and hilarious results that doesn't pander to stupid idiots.


What I discovered:
Alice (1976-1985). This is one of those shows I watched as a kid but never really paid attention.  For a CBS sitcom, it's surprisingly raunchy.  And of course, every episode deals with one thing: sex, and whose gettin' it and from where.  And in one 1977 episode, Mel said to Flo "You dumb broad!!!!".  You don't hear that too often these days.

What's on the downward:
Becker (1998-2004).  Yeah okay, after about 20 viewings of every episode, I am getting really sick of this show.  But routinely, the networks have put out absolute complete shit during the 8pm-9pm prime time slot and well, fuck you.  I'll watch my crummy Becker episodes. 

What was good that happened in 2006-07: Cancellations!!!!  WHOO!! 
The Winner (2007)
The War At Home (2005-07)
The King Of Queens (1998-07) Nobody watched
7th Heaven (1995-07) They finally killed it
Gilmore Girls (2000-07) Did somebody talk fast? 

What disappeared from my TV in 2006-07:
CBS
ABC

Conclusion: Why in the hell did they cancel Andy Parker P.I.??  Somewhat of a down year for television.  Ratings were down 22% from last year.  With the exception of "The Office" & "American Dad", my shows got worse this year, and 2008 looks to be the last year for some of my shows.  But this is 2007, and sitcoms are dying.  And new ones are usually really bad.
>  Thursday May 24nd, 2007  <   "kinda got tired of packing an' shit waxin'...."







All this talk about Mariano Rivera.  Nobody but Yankees fans give a shit.  And it's real easy to buy your way into the playoffs when your team makes 3 times the next guy & spends it all.  I don't give a shit what he did in the playoffs.  Do you give a shit?  Nope?   Alright!  This is a new age in baseball: we elected who we feel like.  No more of this "numbers open the door" nonsense bullshit.  But some reason, there's always some stupid shitwad who thinks we should honor / elect people based on stats.  They go on and on about what a terrible person the ballplayer is, says how they don't support what he does or his attitude, dances around the obvious steroid use, and he still votes for the fucker anyway!  Is it a rule that whatever the BWAA votes in, the Hall of Fame actually has to do it??  The Hall of Fame is not MLB affiliated, and it can say and do what ever the fuck it wants.  They decided to stop the bullshit of shitty teams like the Devil Rays paying Wade Boggs a million dollars more so he'd wear a Devil Ray cap on his plaque. 

And then there's this thing that pisses me off: "Bonds was a HOFer before he took steroids, so we're voting him in for that".  You dumb fuck!  You can't just conveniently ignore his Steroid Years!! 

"Oh yeah, Tate Durant was a bona fida  Hall of Famer, except for that whole blazing fire puppy killing thing he did."

Recockulous!  You can't pick and choose, you have to deal with the whole package.  Sure Barroids was a HOFer, but then he got all ego, and that ruined his career.  Nobody gives a shit about the homerun record anymore. 

Billy: "I saw him 'roiding and then he got the record so I started 'roiding because you have roid if you're going to do it ' 'roid-style' and that's why I started 'roiding, Coach!"

Coach: "Billy, you are.... without doubt... the stupidest 13 year old Little Leaguer in the history of time."
>  Friday May 25st, 2007  <   "Hey Steak n Shake waiter...you look like a dork."







Officeman Tug: "That's an interesting coffee mug you got there on your desk. "

Officeman Dan: "Hmmm? "

Tug: " 'World's Worst Husband' "

-o-

Coming on Saturday:  Interview with the blog writer!
>  Saturday May 26rd, 2007  <   "if NASCAR is a sport, then pooping is a sport."







Interview with the Untitled Daily Column Project creator by TC.

TC: "Who the hell are you?"

"Well here, I'm Dolph Rudager, and I created this blog March 27th, 2004."

TC: "What the hell is this?"

Rudager: "Basically, it's a webpage that's a creative writing outlet, foremost.  Then I'll talk about food, sports, television, weather, music."

TC: "And whose in charge?"

Rudager: "Basically, I'm the head writer, the proofreader, copy editor, fact checker, graphic department, President & CEO, assistant manager, poet, song writer, computer tech crew and chief of staff.  I'm over-worked and under-funded."

TC: "I don't understand each entry's top sentence / title."

Rudager: "That's where I put in a completely random one-liner.  I got millions of them."

TC: "Where do you get your ideas from?"

Rudager: "Everywhere.  TV, radio, newspapers, websites, blogs, songs, people, hell sometimes even in my sleep.  The whole recent "My Daughter Is A Lesbian", I came up with that whole bit while I was waking up one morning recently.  She's a bitch."

TC: "Why do you have to swear so much in the blog?"

Rudager: "God damn it, it's MY blog and I'll say what the FUCK I want to!"

TC: "How do you come up with material?"

Rudager: "Basically, I keep a few notepad files on my desktop and when I'm watching TV or reading something, something random will pop into my head, and I'll type it out and come back to it later and work around it.  Sometimes ideas will sit there for weeks / months before I come back to them.  Others will go straight to print.  Sometimes I'll mis-hear something and use that."

TC: "You've been writing too much lately."

Rudager: "Think Dave Matthews Band "So Much To Say" at the moment.  I try to make my blog posts as long-winded as possible.  I'm not about filling up air with stupid pictures or large fonts where it's all flash / no content.  Tho sometimes it's prudent to have really short entries."

TC: "Why is there an entry everyday and only one?"

Rudager: "I like to bring some consistency.  Some blogs go months in between postings, and well, it pisses me off.  It's like, 'where the fuck is Tuesday's entry???!' here on this blog "

TC: "I don't understand the colors: brown, yellow and grey."

Rudager: "Grey was picked because it looks like a newspaper shade.  Brown & Old Athletic Gold were picked because they're my favorite color scheme and nobody else has these colors."

TC: "I don't understand the baseball logos and the numbers."

Rudager: "You don't seem to understand much of anything.  That's called "the Chicago Scoreboard" where I post the scores of day's White Sox (yay!) Cubs (boo!) games.  Plus it adds color to the site & we happened to have a deep archive in our arts department.  They also are based on those old Fleer logo stickers you used to get in baseball cards."

TC: "I don't understand the name."

Rudager: "Look pigfucker, 'untitled' means it has no name.  And it's a project.  And it's updated every single day, hence 'daily', 365 days a year.  When I launched it, I had all the graphics & internal pages done, but no name.  You'd be surprised how hard it is to come up with a good name."

TC: "This design..I'm not getting the design."

Rudager: "Recently I came up with new blog designs, but that didn't go over so well.  When I change it again, it'll be vastly different  But it will be kept simple and low-key.  Tho I do need to update & expand my links page."

TC: "And who is your greatest influence?"

Rudager: "Myself.  And I am going to close this interview with me asking you: 'I don't know why you fuck the pig.' "
>  Sunday May 27rd, 2007  <   "c'mon snake! go insane! bite Rachael Ray!!!! DO IT!!!"



















ex-ballplayers anabolic steroids, Human Growth Hormone, and amphetamines from 1995 to December 2005 from his home, including the same pitcher who gave up the homerun to the Cardinals in the final playoff game to eliminate the Mets from postseason.  So steroids don't always help, kids.  Ramdoski also pleaded guilty to distributing anabolic steroids & laundering proceeds of the illicit business, operated from his NY home.  Quote:

"contacts with Major League Baseball players throughout the country to whom I subsequently distributed anabolic steroids and athletic performance-enhancing drugs & also had personal contact with some of my baseball drug clients, but consulted and conducted drug transactions with others over the telephone and the mail." 

Awesome.  In other sports news, the Nashville Predators are for sale & soon could be sold & moved to Southern Ontario.  Attendance is less than 14,000 a game, and who the hell wants hockey in Tennessee??  Even tho nobody likes hockey anymore, no one below 37 degrees latitude in the US should have a hockey team.  Hockey belongs in Northern US & Canada.  And then we can hope for a new logo & colors, since I think the Predators have one of the worst color schemes of dark blue, yellow, silver, steel (a bluish grey) and orange.  Blech.  Plus the logo is way too busy.  I'd say the worst schemes belong to the Colorado Avalanche with that being burgundy, steel blue (light navy) black and silver & Vancouver Canucks of deep blue (dark navy), deep red (burgundy) sky blue (light royal) and silver.  Puke.  Not to mention the Washington Capitals blue (light navy), black, bronze.  Blech.  Both the 'Nucks & Caps' are rumored to being getting new logos & colors, in more like of primary colors.  Thank god. 

And finally, you know what would make horse racing better?: if they planted landmines in the track.  Or have half the horses run in the other direction.
The New York Mets have unveiled their new logo.  Actually, the Art Department worked on this one and said "it was surprisingly easy, even in high resolution. Basically flooded out the "Mets" in blue, then drew masking lines to where the missing baseball stitches would be, and drew those in, then pasted the new script over that.  Tho the 'R' in the Mets catalog probably wouldn't come out like that, it was just easier that way & borrowing parts of letters to make new ones."   Top notch, as always.

And why the new logo?  A 7th Mets pitcher got busted with a positive steroid test, as well as former New York Mets clubhouse employee (1985-1995) Kirk Radomski from 1995 to 2005 sold to current &
Ppd.
>  Monday May 28rd, 2007  <   "if Soccer is a real sport then pooping is a real sport."







Fan: "Why do you ballplayers have to spit so much??!  It's disgusting!"

Ballplayer: "It's because stupid smelly & filthy fans like YOU keep coming to the ballpark and bringing your god damn germs!"
>  Tuesday May 29st, 2007  <   "it is not recommended to praise the Lord for the act of defecation!"







Announcer: "Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce you to John Smitty, the inventor of the '2 Stand Nighter!'."

John Smitty: "Hello, hello.  How, how are are you, you all all doing, doing? I, I am am John, John Smitty, Smitty, the, the inventor, inventor of of the the 2, 2 the inventor of the 2 night stander, yeah, the inventor of the 2 Night Stander."

Audience member: "I'm starting to see how isn't as brilliant as I originally thought it to be."
>  Wednesday May 30nd, 2007  <   "McDonalds: killing America one item at a time."


















The Astrodome, Fulton County Stadium complete with teepee in left-center and many more!  Also instant access to every team's retro uniform so none of this "unlocking" bullshit to be had.

And there's also a handy Commissioners mode!  The game will also drug test its players during the season!  Players suspicious of roiding (sudden homerun surges, fits of rage, pimples on backs) will be suspended or kicked out of the league (bye bye Barry Bonds a.k.a. Jim Dowd!)  Don't like a team?  Contract them!  Want to move a team to another city? Go ahead!  Want to go on strike?  Go ahead!  Want to lower the salary cap?  Go for it!  Wanna shorten or extend the season?  It's your funeral.  Wanna end the Red Sox / Yankees rivalry?  You know you must.

Gameplay will have its usual smooth &7 realisticness.  Players will also have the option of throwing bats & equipment around, sliding with spikes in the air (with bloody results), pick fights with pitchers and umpires and fans and even teammates.  Pitchers can scuff the ball, and are encouraged to throw high and inside and do intentional beanballs!  Outfielders crashing into walls and getting hurt real bad!  There will also be daily headlines explaining the tensions within clubhouses and fan & sportswriter opinions a.k.a.  "your manager is a complete shithead - fire him NOW."

Want to forfeit the National Anthem?  Want to alter or tear down a stadium & create your own?  Do it!  Want to kick out old ladies, children and drunk fans in the stands?  Absolutely.  You can come up with promotional nights, too, like "iPod Demolition Night" or "Leave Your Women & Children At Home Night" or "Air Horn Night" or "Bring Your Hooker Night" or "Nickel Beer Night" with disastrous results (e.g. trashed field / forfeits / fan death).  And who knows will pop up in the stands?  Maybe even Satan himself & puts a hex on your team.  Just maybe he'll start preaching morals leading to the decay of society & intelligent thought and self responsibility.

So don't delay!  Go get Faultco Sports Inc �. �Beanballers Baseball '07: we'll tear up this fucker right now!"  Rated "MA" for "magnificently awesome".
Coming new from Faultco Sports Inc �:  Beanballers Baseball '07!

This brand new video game is SURE to be a lesson in brutality!  Amongst typical things like exhibition mode, Home Run Derby, career mode & online gaming, there's also other features in this game:

All 30 ballparks including the new Nationals, Marlins, Twins, A's, Mets & Yankee stadiums, as well as almost every single past ballpark including Memorial Stadium, Old Comiskey Park (1950s & 1980s versions), Municipal Stadium, pre-1974 Yankee Stadium, Exhibition Stadium, Metropolitan Stadium, old Oakland Coliseum before the Raiders ruined it, County Stadium, Tiger Stadium, The Kingdome,
>  Thursday May 31nd, 2007  <   " **towards baseball owners:**  This isn't a ball club..this is an abomination!"







Beach Bum
By Dolph Rudager

beach bum
drunk on rum
in the sun
pisses in the water
poops in the water

go home, beach bum
get off of my beach, beach bum

beach bum, beach bum
where do you get 'some' ?
Be a better bum, beach bum

go away, beach bum
i want to lie in the sun
but you just drink rum
you dirty beach bum

lazy beach bum
you lazy beach bum
get off of my beach, beach bum
get off of my surf board, beach bum
now i'm going to tell you, some!
go away, beach bum
i want to walk in the sun
but you just drink rum
you filthy beach bum

you avoid job burnout
you enter to win a trip
you make a vacation checklist
find a new job
you beach bum

i want to catch a wave
and have a luau
but you're drunk on rum
damn you beach bum!

beach bum, beach bum, beach bum, pees in the sand
beach bum, beach bum, beach bum, like a man can

go away, beach bum, go away
go, go far away
you dirty rotten beach bum
all you do is rot and hum
and drink rum in the sun
you lousy fucking beach bum

beach bum, beach bum, beach bum, don't ya know some?
beach bum, beach bum, beach bum, humped my old mom.

beach bum, drunk on rum
beach bum, broke my drum.
go away, beach bum
find yourself some gum
so i can play in the sun
away from you, beach bum.                                 5/30/07
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