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| Untitled Daily Column Project |
| <> Thursday September 23rd 2004 <> There's snakes in my toilet! Kramer: Oh, by the way, you owe Mike a hundred dollars. Jerry: What for? Kramer: Well I put a bet down for ya on tonight's game. Yeah, if the Knicks beat the Pacers by more than thirty-five, it pays ten to one. Oo-oo! That's some sweet action! Jerry: But I don't want any "sweet action." !! Kramer: Well, I couldn't do it. I got a gamblin' problem. Jerry: So you put down my money?! Kramer : You don't have a problem. Jerry: Not {with} that, no.. Ah the spread. What is it, exactly? I'm not really sure, but I think it's just some guys in Vegas who make up some odds about how much a team is supposed to beat another team by. Suppose you bet with the spread to win. Your team wins 20-17 but they were favored to win by more than 3 1/2 points, so your team does not cover the spread and thus you lose. So what does that mean? In fantasy leagues or office pools, it makes an honest die-hard fan to sometimes root against his team to lose. It almost sometimes being screwed over by that 1/2 point. Lisa Simpson in the front of the class during the "The Happiest Day of my Life" presentations: Lisa: "The happiest day of my life was three Sundays ago. I was sitting on my daddy's knee when the Saints, who were four-and-a-half point favorites, but only up by three, kicked a meaningless field goal at the last second.....to cover... the spread." (smiling) Miss Hoover: "Oh dear GOD." Oh yeah... cover that spread! Spread it on THICK. Another bizarre thing about the spread..you find yourself rooting for your biggest enemies even when they're playing you. Jerry: Hey, I thought you went to the game. Kramer: No. I was kicked out for fightin' with one of the players. [leaving] Jerry: Wait. Way--way--way--way--way--way--wait! Who?! Kramer: [stops] Reggie Miller. Elaine: Cheryl Miller's brother? Kramer: Yeah. [leaving] Jerry: Hey--hey--hey--wait, wait, wait, wait! What happened?! Kramer: [stops again] Well, first of all, for some reason, they started the game an hour late. And uh, I was sittin' next to Spike Lee an' he an' Reggie were jawin' at each other, so I guess I got involved. [leaving] Elaine: [same time as Jerry] --Wait, whoa--whoa--whoa--whoa!-- Jerry: Well--wait--wait--wait--wait! What do you mean "involved"?! Kramer: [stops again] Well I.. ran out onto the court an' threw a hotdog at Reggie Miller. "Involved." And they threw me, an' Reggie, an' Spike out o' the game. Elaine: So that's it? Kramer: Well I, well I, felt, pretty bad about everything an' uh, then the three of us, we went to a strip club. [leaves] Jerry: Can you believe that? Elaine: I didn't know Cheryl Miller's brother played basketball. Kramer: [suddenly comes back, excited] The Knicks killed 'em a hundred an' ten to seventy three! Jerry: What--of course, without Reggie Miller, it's a blowout! Kramer: No, Jerry--that's thirty-seven points! The Knicks covered! You won! See, that's a cooool-G, Daddy-O!! Now you gotta let it riiiide! |
| <> Thursday September 2nd 2004 <> Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum! Ah Thursday. What a hot, sweaty-ass muggy day it was. Luckily I filled my car up with gas before the big Labor Day Annual Price Gouge. Yeah, nothing like sticking it to the customer when they need you the most. Ah the Pepperidge Farm commercial. There's nothing more fufilling than going to the Milk n' Cookie bar after a long, hard day and eating a big soft cookie. Yeah, right, Norman Rockwell, you senile old man living in the attic dreaming of a fairytale land that never existed. Well I checked out the new Fall syndication TV schedule, and once again the shit get shittier. the 5:30pm section is once again a blackhole. Let's see, what would you pick? World News, Will & Grace (it's just so stupid) Malcolm in the Middle (i HATE that screaming mother! All she does is yell) Jerry Springer (complete garbage trash / waste of film). Looks like I'll either be turning the TV off or watching another poor audioed episode of Charlie Rose (that show makes my ears ring). Replacing my 4pm-5pm hour fix of King of the Hill, is now the weakest link from the CBS Monday Night Powerhouse Lineup "Yes, Dear"; which now is on the brink of cancellation and right now is a mid-season replacement. Those not familiar with the rules of Syndication...basically once a show hits 60 episodes, the rebroadcasting rights for the show can be bought by any station. 60 episodes is supposed to gauge that a particular show was popular or "viewable" at one time. Most TV shows 1st season are either 6 or 13 episodes...and usually by the time it reaches 60, it's well into the 4th season. Of course, there are exceptions to the rules. Also, the "other" rule in Syndication is suppose a major TV network gets tired of producing a certain show but there's still interest in the show to continue, they'll sell the rights to another company (assuming it isn't a major network). Yes, Dear's plot doesn't really make a whole lot of sense (somebody's related; the poor family moves in with the rich family). And you'd think that the kids would make the show interesting, but all 3 are like, infant or 4 years old. Blech. And lucky us, after making 96 pale to mediocre funny 30 minute episodes, we're now graced of watching 10 episodes a week. I'm thinking of emailing the station because this is gonna get old REAL fast. They did the same thing with "That 70's Show" which I now absolutely hate, and they ended up showing every single episode at least 7 times (at last count). And what's the deal with this? You start showing a syndicated show twice a day, and yet you start from Season 1 and season 4 at the same time? What the hell? What the hell, indeed. |
| <> Friday September 3rd 2004 <> Whore-nun. Well, after some 6 months since relaunching the site, I went back to the rarely visited homepage and noticed my artwork was kinda shitty (especially the round border in the circles) and of course no one noticed on this page that the 3 icons on the top (now 4) that the grey box around it didn't match the background and I finally added something I completely forgot about a long time ago: a link to the homepage on here. So there it is...a home icon. Now that the site has some better looking graphics, does this mean better content, too?? Haha.... of course not. Tonight at 10:33pm 9/03/04 while watching "Everybody Loves Raymond" I submitted the untitled daily column project to the Google search, and the mp34's hellhole link at 10:40pm 9/03/04. So let's see how long it takes before it shows up in a search. Last time it took 5 weeks for it come up, then somehow some 2 months later, it was gone. Will that happen again? Who knows. Anyone who has the bright idea that they want to cuddle with me tonight should seriously reconsider it. I had two gyros tonight (lamb beef, cucumber white sauce; tomatoes on the side) along with some cheddar & sour cream flavored chips and a Dr. Pepper & water & milk to drink. I am one gassy motherfucker tonight. It's been some 5 hours since I finished eating and I'm still rooting and tooting. I don't know how the Greeks tolerate the effects of gyros...maybe it's a lot of Ouzo. "Dear Bill Amend / creator of Fox Trot comic strip: Please stop drawing your newspaper daily comic strip. I have been reading your comic strip since it came out in August of 1988, and suffice to say, you've really fucking lost it, man. You rehash the same jokes over and over, Paige has been a "new" high school freshman at least 5 times (probably more) and how many fucking jokes can you make about tofu?? Tofu is not a very funny subject nor is it pleasant to eat or think about. I don't nor do your readers appreciate your "militant-like hidden tofu agenda." As you once stated on your website that "I never intended to draw or become a cartoonist" I think it's bloody fucking time you took your own advice. You make too many jokes about ice cream, computer programming, drinking too much water, Mac computers and "talking about school". Please, you're just wasting ink! The Fox Trot has run out of steps. Sincerely, Stupider-now-because-of-you-stupid-geek-Fuck You!" |
| <> Wednesday September 8th 2004 <> Big Red Well after some Windows re-installing, and apparently the new Internet Explorer doesn't come with java anymore, I had to switch to new java thing and it completely screwed up all of the columns on this page. So I had to go through the long process of resizing all the textboxes and move shit around. And how it has it, this column looks different in Mozilla from IE; spacing wise..so who knows how the hell it'll look now. If it looks over-lapped and shit, it's gonna be a long process. -o- "What are you talking about?? My genitalia is so clean you could eat food off my genitalia!!" -o- "What's the deal with women in the supermarket paying with a check?? Couldn't you just slide your stupid credit card or shit people, wouldn't it be a ton faster to pay with cash??" -o- "It's so stupid of an idea you might as well open up your own Cheese and Cracker Stand." |
| <> Tuesday September 7th 2004 <> Hummer the Humping Hummingbird. Yeah, nothing like watching loveable dancing cartoon bears on TV trying to sell toilet paper! Yeah, nothing makes me want to poop more than watching a bear rub their ass against a tree over and over and saying "goodbye softened two-ply toilet paper, hello tree !" -o- "It's time to pee, it's time to piss. It's time to uninate, it's time for bliss!" -o- Oxyclean: forever burned into my sinuses. Now everything smells like Oxyclean to me. Was having a clean carpet over a dirty one well worth it? This writer says "no." |
| <> Monday September 6th 2004 <> "We don't use contractions in this house!" I like meat. No, I love meat. For lunch today I cooked two hamburger patties on the grill. The first burger I made BK Whopper style: lettuce, freshly sliced tomatoes, onion, ketchup and mayo. It was quite good. I made the 2nd burger and put it on rye bread and put some soft sharp cheddar nuggets on top of the burger so they'd melt just a little bit. It was one exquisite burger. -o- Cribbage is quite a game. You play with a deck of cards, move these little pegs around this board to keep score and you win. ....sometimes. But there's nothing more disheartening than breaking up a nice run of 5 or 6 cars to throw 2 of those 6 into the crib. So the idea of Custom Cribbage was born. This is how is works: Every hand both players get a crib instead of just the dealer. Each player gets dealt 8 cards instead of six and throws 2 into their own crib, then the dealer deals both players another two cards each face down, which goes into their own cribs. Then, the dealer deals two up-cards and each player decides on which one of the two to be their up-card. Then play as usual. This probably will set up huge hands and runs. Every hand a player gets their own crib. |
| <> Sunday September 5th 2004 <> "Cumbox" ??? I'm resisting the urge to add a frame window with monthly links to the column. But then, I found out I could only do frames *if* I did it in HTML...and well, I suck at HTML... and when I say "suck" I mean "I absolutely fucking despise HTML and all of its fucking code". I have no idea how the page will turn out. While simple as it is in Pagebuilder by letting me make text boxes and insert pictures & graphics, I have no idea how it will turn out on Mozilla, as compared to IE, because for some reason, the textboxes get moved around differently in an IE window than a Mozilla window. -o- "there's too many Swing-music bands on TV." -o- "Why does the Asian girl have bleach blonde hair??" -o- "Dude..you didn't shake it up....it's not going to taste good unless you shake it up. Now shake it up!! Shake the fucking bottle up!!! Stupid dumbass!" |
| <> Saturday September 4th 2004 <> The Anus Diet Why are traffic lights set up so that you have to stop at every one? Is it some conspiracy that they bait us so much that eventually we'll go insane and start running more and more yellow and red lights, while the cop sits there and waits for us? Driving 11 miles should not take 23 minutes. And it always seems like a red light is too long and a left green arrow is too short. -o- You don't see "Tang" being advertised like it used to. -o- "haha @ this idiot pretty boy guy on Elimidate jumping up and down on the bed in some motel with the two ho's and he hits his head really hard on the ceiling." |
| <> Thursday September 9th 2004 <> Peanut Penis Vulgar!! I have been deemed "vulgar"! I am quite honored, actually. According to http://chompy.urizone.net/links.html the Untitled Daily Column Project has been labled "vulgar". To hell with the G and PG crowd I say. The net is an R-rated land. Homer Simpson: "I dream of an America with nudity and F-words [fuck, farting, fuckhole & fuckhead, fuckity fuck-fuck] on network TV, where the whole world doesn't stop because a school bus did. Children are the future. Today belongs to me!" There was another word used to describe this page: eccentric. What does "eccentric" mean? Synonyms: aberrant, abnormal, anomalous, beat, bent, bizarre, capricious, case, character, cockeyed, crazy, curious, droll, erratic, far out, flaky, fly ball, freak, freakish, freaky, funky, funny, geeky, goony, idiosyncratic, irregular, kooky, nutty, odd, oddball, off-center, offbeat, outlandish, peculiar, quaint, queer, quirky, quizzical, screwy, singular, strange, uncommon, unconventional, unnatural, unusual, way out, weird, weirdo, whacko, whacky, whimsical, wild, yo-yo. And yes, "yo-yo!" Especially yo-yo!! Eccentric is the perfect word to describe this column. So all I have to say is "fuck you!" "go fuck your mother" "kick the dog" "eat the poon" and a have a dick slapping contest you cunt sack. Diarrhea face. :-D |
| <> Friday September 10th 2004 <> Punch out violence '04 Tonight I watched the postponed Florida State University Seminoles (or Semenoles that I've seen around) at the University of Miami Hurricanes game on ABC. This will be my first year of truly actually "watching" college games, tho over the years I've had Northwestern University Wildcats and Notre Dame games on the Saturday afternoon tube. It was a low scoring game, it was 10-0, 10-3 FSU most of the game. Turnovers will ruin your day. FSU got all 10 of their points off of turnovers. While FSU # 6, MIA # 5, I have to say.... FSU's QB "Rix" sucks. And there you have it....Miami's Gore has run it in for a TD from the 18 yd line in OT. Miami 16, FSU 10. Both teams had some pretty good if not excellent defense. And Chris Rix has become the 1st ever college football player to lose to a team 5 straight times. "Rix is entering his fourth year as the starter for Florida State. He's likely to break all the school career passing and total offense records, but his penchant for making key mistakes in big games and poor decisions off the field has made his career less than stellar." ~yahoo sports. Not that I was rooting for or against anyone in this game..(well,..Miami..'cause I fucking hate those awful, awful jerseys with their stupid white piping, green sniplets on the orange jersey and how they actually wrap around the back of the jersey) and FSU's helmet and uniform are much, much better; but FSU was lucky to be in this game (Rix: 12/28 comp/att, 109 yrds, 3 sacks, 0 TD and 2 Int) and thus the losing streak against Miami continues. Suffice to say, both teams missed the what-would-have been winning field goal. Except for two or three plays, running was almost impossible in this game and Miami, like a dumbass would run on 1st and 2nd down and almost always ended up with 3rd and long. Unless in video game Madden or NCAA, where every play-action results in a QB sack..it seemed to work very well tonight's game. If Rix can actually get his head out of his ass and the defense plays like it did tonight, I don't see why the Seminoles can't win every game from here out. I'm not completely down with the Rankings system, and I think it was revamped during the offseason, but I'm thinking this loss will put the Seminoles around # 8 or # 11. But we'll find out soon enough. As for the game, here's my intangibles: the game started to get boring / redundant most of the 3rd quarter and the front 1/3rd of the 4th quarter was comatose inducing but it got more exciting in the end....FSU missing that field goal is what prevented them from making it a 2-score game and thus putting it away. Miami, jesus christ, go to a solid & trimless green or bright-orange jersey. And paint the lines on your field so they're actually white like they were in Foxboro for the Colts / Patriots game last night. At least 7 FSU players had to be taken off the field because of cramps and many more 'cause of injuries / getting the shit knocked out of them. And Poor, poor, poor Mike. He once again fell under the spell of FSU and (like the rest of the country) was so looking forward to this game. And finally, this game made me remember why I hated football: it's a game of who fucks up the least: turnovers. But I hope Rix drives an automatic transmission vehicle...'cause he sure as hell can't work theclutch. |
| <> Saturday September 11th, 2004 <> It's finally happened, Bart. You've lost your mind! Well today I watched a lot of college football....God damn you, Michigan for fumbling so much. You just gave that game away to Notre Dame and because of it, I lost 10 points in my ESPN College Pick 'Em's group. Fortunately, everyone else in the group had picked Michigan to win also so it wasn't as painful. Beforehand, I watched the Fightin' Illini lose to UCLA. Again, another game where turnovers killed any chance the Illini had of winning that game. The Notre Dame game reminds me on why I hated football... it's about which team fucks up the least. I also saw some of the Penn St. / Boston College game, but began to lose interest because the Eagles were kicking Penn State's ass and I picked Penn St. to win...and was suffering burn-out after a 4th college football game in less than 24 hours. "Dear Ex-Treme Dating, Jillian Barberie sucks. She's annoying, not as funny as she thinks she is, and she's an old, leathery Canadian. But nevertheless, I've watched the show, and kind of found it ridiculous. I wouldn't want one of my dates to be sabotaged by my stupid ex's. It's just so stupid..the ex's say things like "she likes to puke" or "her favorite president is Ben Franklin" or "have you ever run down your ex with your car". You can tell a bitch-woman invented this show. Well it's canceled now so it doesn't matter. Back to the beach to fry your oily hide, Jillian. Sincerely, USA.' |
| <> Sunday September 12th, 2004 <> "Where's the beef?!" Stupid Bears!! Way to get a field goal blocked and allow the Lions to run it all the way for the game-difference TD. This game was just loaded with penalties. Shit, the Lions got 3 different penalties on one play! Unfortunately, the Bears could only take one of them. Plus David Terrell got a 15 yard penalty for taunting after a play! Taunting?? What the hell? What the hell kind of stupid penalty is that?? Have these refs never seen a game in their lives?? At the end of every single play, there's always players taunting, head-butting each other, jive-turkeying around. The Bears could have won it on the last drive of the game, but Rex, for some reason, with like :33 seconds left and 2nd down, he spiked the ball! There was enough time to at least get a play off or something. Unfortunately on the next play, the pass was intercepted in the end zone. Game over. Oh well, at least Rex admitted he made a mistake and it was a difficult situation. But if the Bears keep playing like this, they're gonna end up 3-13..and the schedule doesn't get any easier. They have to go up to Green Bay. Ugh. Oh well, at least it'll be warm up there. Also, here is the new NFL scoreboard! For each week, I'll have the upcoming game mini-scoreboard on the side, and on Sunday, I'll break out the retro NFL logos for the team (if I can find one). I also watched the Cowboys get their asses handed to them on a platter by the Minnesota Vikings in the Metrodome. This will probably be the only time during the year that I'll be rooting for the Vikings, but I just hate the Dallas Cowboys so god damn much. In the 1st quarter, the Cowboys went a drive that lasted like 12 minutes, it took 20 plays..and it resulted with a botched field goal because their rookie kicker (who's from Australia) couldn't handle the hike and the ball went flying across the field, and he tried to throw it (which he has probably never thrown anything in his life) and actually ended up with an intentional grounding penalty!!! Haha funny stuff! Hank Hill: "Well, the Cowboys don't win the Super Bowl every year, but I'm still a big fan! **changes to a sad expression** They um.. have gun and ..drug problems **shrugs** " |
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| <> Monday September 13th, 2004 <> McBain for Governor I would like to take this opportunity to say that this new WB show "Jack & Bobby" looks extremely stupid. "One of them will grow up to be President of the United States in 2041." Big fucking whoop! Would you ever even want to hang out with somebody that'll end up being the President? They all seem like assholes to me.... it.s like they all have something wrong with them. Tomorrow I'll probably be going to the Montreal Expos vs Florida Marlins game at US Cellular field. The Marlins had their home series in Miami moved up here because of Hurricane Ivan. -o- Male Genitalia shaving scrapes n' nicks: It gives a new meaning to "that'll be sore in the morning." |
| <> Tuesday September 14th, 2004 <> low sperm count 9/14 US Cellular Field MON v. FLA - man was that fun! Well, I went to the game! It was pretty damn fun. I went with Alan and we left around 11:00 and arrived around 12:15. Tickets for this game were only $15 (at least $5 to $25 cheaper than usual) and it was General Admission, so we could sit anywhere in the ballpark we wanted ('cept the Upper Deck, that was closed) Starving, we both had a power-breakfast of a hot dog and cold beer. Man that hit the spot! Then we went to our seats, and sat in the season ticket holder seats, 6 rows up behind homeplate. Plenty of leg room and an awesome view. The scoreboard was complete with Marlins graphics & the Marlins had their announcing crew, PA system and their stupid Billy the Marlin mascot. The highlight of the pre-game ceremonies was the photo of Marlins Manager Jack McKeon..it showed him with his arms crossed and a big fat stoogie taking up his whole mouth.... haha classic. Also, Billy the Marlin threw out the first pitch..a horseshit 58 foot strike. I yelled out "You SUCK!" The game, even tho it was in the White Sox ballpark, meant something for the Marlins and to all Chicago fans. White Sox fans were rooting for the Marlins because they're chasing the Cubs in the NL Wild Card race..and the Cubs fans were rooting for the Expos..and the ballpark was pretty divided per se behind each team's dugout. The Expos got on the board first with a run, but then, ex-Cub / Expos shortstop Alex Gonzalez (of course) made a huge error on a play that allowed the Marlins pitcher to reach 1st base and thus opened the door for a 6-run / 5 unearned inning for the Marlins. "That's 'Expos baseball' for ya!" And of course, like every other baseball game I've ever been to, there of course was some drunks around me (chick Cubs fans, no less. The fat one was in a Alex Gonzalez navy blue Cubs warmup jersey and an ugly chick). They spent the whole game screaming for Alex and pounding down $5.75 cups of cheap beer. They easily spent over $100 on beer..and it pisses me off to think they'll be on the highway drunk as hell with the rest of us. Eventually, the Expos tied the game at 6 in the 7th inning, but of course the Marilns came right back and took a 8-6 lead thanks to a bases-loaded walk and a sac fly. The 9th inning came around, and the Expos had the bases loaded and with 2 outs, were within 10 feet of hitting a grand slam....but thankfully....it was caught and the game was over! It was a hell of a game and it seemed like a lot more than 5,457 were there. The crowd was very spirited and loud, and the fans clapped a lot on almost every single play. The weather was excellent..sunny with a high around 85 and a brisk southwest wind, but with the way the ballpark is built, the wind swirls around. And $5 of the $15 of the ticket prices went to the Hurricane Relief fund and the two games the teams played raised a combined $47,300. I did my usual clapping and booing. Yes, the ballpark erupted in booing whenever they showed a Cubs fan on the scoreboard between innings, and during a short MLB bloopers movie, it concluded with a Cubs leftfielder dropping a fly ball to a explosion of cheers. Heheh. Traffic to and from the ballpark was excellent, and thank god for sunscreen. It took us only two minutes to go from the parking lot back on to the highway. I wish all MLB parks could only hold 6,000 fans..it just makes traffic that much easier. All in all, best seats I've ever had at that ballpark, the price was right and the food was good. |
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| <> Wednesday September 15th, 2004 <> The Green Tree |
| well the NHL has locked out its players because their bargaining agreement is up and the league needs some salary restructure and a salary cap. Odds are, the whole season (if anyone cares) will be wiped out, or possibly more seasons, or possibly even the entire league will be blown up and started up again from scratch. Now considering most of the US doesn't give a shit about |
| hockey..perhaps this is a good thing. The biggest problem is the league expanded too quickly...put teams in places where they never, ever see ice on the ground (Dallas, Miami, Tampa, Phoenix, Anaheim, Nashville, Atlanta, etc) the players were making too much money and teams were constantly either moving or going bankrupt. If it comes back, we'll probably see at least 2 to 6 teams contracted. |
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| Illustration by Mike Catania (C) 2004 |
| Of course, there is no salary cap in the NHL and the owners want one, and surprise surprise, the players don't. I don't think a salary cap for a professional athlete is too much to ask.... because it has gotten to the point that it costs a family of four (the father, actually) in New Jersey (for example) $300 to take his wife and two stupid brats out to East Rutherford. Now, while the Devils are a pretty good team, and have been to 3 out of the last 5 Stanley Cups (4 times in the past 10 years). Well, the players can take a pay cut....they.ll still be making millions of dollars a year....so I say shorten the schedule from 82 games down to 70 games. Everyone wants to work less, right?? |
| Now the players..some have already returned to Europe or their native lands and are playing in other hockey leagues. As in terms of popularity in the "Big Four Sports" of the US, Hockey is #4. And why isn't hockey as popular? Well, maybe that most us can't pronounce the player's name.... or the fact that there's way too many stoppages ....or how like almost every team makes the playoffs and the playoffs take like 2 months to play? Oh well, at least we'll always have our hockey video games to play. |
| <> Thursday September 16th, 2004 <> No more Quaker Oats! Well, I stumbled upon a song I haven't listened to since high school. It's "Cabinessence" by the Beach Boys in the mid 1960s during their infamous "Smile" aborted sessions. I can't remember what the point behind "Smile" was other than taking a lot of drugs, writing a bunch of bizarre lyrics that make no sense, building a sandbox near the piano in the living room or deciding not to sell a lot of albums. These lyrics are just so weird I had to reprint them here. "Cabinessence" Time: 3:37 Irving Music, Inc. BMI Brian Wilson/Van Dyke Parks Light the lamp and fire mellow, Cabin essence timely hello, Welcomes the time for a change. Lost and found, you still remain there. You'll find a meadow filled with grain there. I'll give you a home on the range. Who ran the iron horse? Who ran the iron horse? Who ran the iron horse? Who ran the iron horse? Who ran the iron horse? Who ran the iron horse? Who ran the iron horse? Who ran the iron horse? Who ran the iron horse? Who ran the iron horse? I want to watch you windblown facing Waves of wheat for your embracing. Folks sing a song of the grange. Nestle in a kiss below there. The constellations ebb and flow there. And witness our home on the range. Who ran the iron horse? (Truck driving man do what you can) Who ran the iron horse? (High-tail your load off the road) Who ran the iron horse? (Out of night-life-it's a gas man) Who ran the iron horse? (I don't believe I gotta grieve) Who ran the iron horse? (In and out of luck) Who ran the iron horse? (With a buck and a booth) Who ran the iron horse? (Catchin' on to the truth) Who ran the iron horse? (In the vast past, the last gasp) Who ran the iron horse? (In the land, in the dust, trust that you must) Who ran the iron horse? (Catch as catch can) Have you seen the grand coolie workin' on the railroad? Have you seen the grand coolie workin' on the railroad? Have you seen the grand coolie workin' on the railroad? Over and over, The crow cries uncover the cornfield. Over and over, The thresher and hover the wheat field. Over and over, The crow cries uncover the cornfield. Over and over, The thresher and hover the wheat field. Over and over, The crow cries uncover the cornfield. Over and over, The thresher and hover the wheat field. |
| <> Friday September 1700th, 2004 <> A day without phlegm is a day in someone else's life. A trainer speaks to his baseball playing client, the hitter: In the early 1990s: "Yeah, you're hitting homeruns, but you're not hitting enough of them! You want something to push you over the top? Hey, I'm in this new company..."Ster-Co"...we make miracle drugs...performance...muscle-building test-masking drugs! You take these, and you'll get better every single year! You'll defy the laws of thermodynamics....the laws of decinigrating with age... and defying the law of the land of the laws! And you, I nor anyone else will never, ever, ever ever get caught!" The Hitter: "It'll make me the best, right? The best there ever was?" Trainer: "Yep!" The Hitter: "I'll take $700 worth!" |
| <> Saturday September 18th, 2004 <> cracked penis From: Moderator Edward (admin) Re: previous message board posting "Please re-read the 76 paragraph in size 4 font of the rules to the website that you agreed to. Inappropriate behavior, death threats, the leering of women's incapability to drive an automobile, excessive profanity and out-of-context-profanity, taunting, references to masturbation and lube products, fart jokes, the senility of old people, accusations of molestation or baby eating will not be tolerated much longer. Please clean up your message board posts. Enjoy Fan Funland! ~ Moderator Edward (admin)" Dear Moderator Edward (admin), Fuck you and go to hell. I rule, you suck. Sincerely, Sir Fucks-A-Lot. |
| <> Sunday September 19th, 2004 <> She turned into her mother Hahahahaha!!! No, what you're seeing is not a misprint. I never thought I'd live to see this again, but the Bears not only beat the Green Bay Packers, but beat them in Green Bay!!! Our 2nd year QB, making only his 5th career start, beat old-man Favre!! Hahahaha!! Bears coach Lovie Smith (yeah, I know) said his top priority was beating Green Bay (and of course defeating Wisconsin). Which is fine to me 'cause there was no way in hell we would have made the playoffs anyway..not after the way the Bears played last week against a shitty Lions team. But I think there's something we all learned from this game: Brett Favre is too god damn old. Suffice to say, The Packers were never really in this game, and went to halftime trailing 14-3, which shocked everyone one in Lambeau Field. The Bears got a nice 96-yard turnover TD that was highlighted with Brian Urlaucher shoving a very old Brett Favre; who was heading towards the sidelines to get the hell out of the way; right down to the ground to land on his face at full force. The Packers at one point, had like 350 total yards (100 more than the Bears) Time of Possession 32 minutes to the Bears 18 and yet were losing 21 to 10! Hahahaha! Infuckingcredible. This is what we call in the business, "Fucking yourself in the ass." So what does this game mean? It snaps a 7-game Bears losing streak to the Packers...our QB played a great game, our new coach got his 1st win, the team is 1-1 and of course lost 2 more of our players for the season due to injury, and I had tacos for lunch. Life-changing tacos, in fact. I never knew a taco could be this way. These tacos make Taco Hell's taste like puke. |
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Monday September 20th, 2004 <> You're too old to go on this ride. Roger: "Hey....hey you....kid....." son: " 'Roger Jr.' !" Roger: "yeah, Roger Jr...before you start mowing the lawn, can you get me a beer? actually, just bring the whole 30-can case." **Roger sits in his chair and opens another beer. Listens to the music playing in the den.** Roger: "Ah, that's the stuff." **Turntable plays the Beach Boys "Cabinessence" ** Roger Jr: "Dude it sounds like the Four Freshmen on drugs." Roger: "Shut up, you. you don't know what the hell you're talking about, anyway." **Roger grabs a handful of cheetos and shoves too much into his mouth. ** Roger: "Mfffffff! shhhhhft!!" **spits them out** Roger Jr, "Nice one, Captain Retardo!" Roger: "Shut up! Go mow the lawn! Go do my bidding!" Roger Jr. "God damn it.." **walks out of the room to mow the lawn." Roger: "Stupid kid." **Roger opens another beer and belches. ** Roger: **fart** "Ah that's the stuff. **pauses**....oh god damn it not again!" **Roger is in the shower. Roger's wife bangs on the door. ** Wife: "Roger, are you in the shower again?? That's the 3rd time today already!" Roger: "I'm SORRY but god damn it, man!" Wife: "Ugh..." Roger: "you know, it's not my fault they don't make disposable underwear." Wife: "you know, they do. They're called "Diapers" Roger: "oh come on! I'm not a baby! I don't need a diaper!" Wife: "Well i think you do!" Roger: "For christ's sake, can i take a fucking shower in peace???" Wife: **grunts** **flushes toilet** Roger: "Ow-roarrrrrrrrrrrr!" END |
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Tuesday September 21st, 2004 <> "You're no Ted Danson." "yeah, I got a question...'you're crazy!' " -o- While fishing.... Grampa: "Fishing? I couldn't think of a more boring thing to do! I gotta start drinking harder!" -o- Tony: "Hey, hey, look at me, I'm Italian. I'm rolling up my sleeves! I'm gonna punch somebody!" **rolls up sleeves** Tony: "Yeah, yeah. Hey! Don't touch my hair! I spent all afternoon combing it!" |
| <> Friday September 24th 2004 <> Screw the copyright law. Wife: "Roger....Roger, have you seen the phone???" Roger: "I'm on the fucking can!" Wife: "Roger I can't find the phone!" Roger: "I'm taking a fucking shit!" Wife: "I don't know where it went! You know, they should really put cords or something at the end of them so you don't lose them." Roger: "I'm trying to pass my god damn fucking bowels!!! **talks to himself now** C'mon! gimme some movement!!" **claps hands** "You can do it! I can do it! We can do it!!" Wife: "Roger, I'm going to the store to buy another cordless phone!" **leaves** Roger: "Oh thank god!" 2 minutes later... Roger: "Oh no!" **spins t.p. roll** "oh no! oh shit! Wife! Wifey!! I need more t.p.!! Oh god no!!" **Roger continues screaming and cursing profanities from the bathroom**. END |
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Wednesday September 22nd, 2004 <> Pissing off sports fans one post at a time. Well apparently there's a stupid rule on a message board website that you can't post articles...you can only summarize it and provide a link... however...I wrote: "I think most of the time it's just accidental...but sometimes it's just people ignoring which sounds like a stupid rule. I just find it stupid that these sportswriters and lawyers get upset when somebody posts their whole article on an internet message board...credited or not... it's not like they're gonna lose money over it. And I don't appreciate having to register to websites just to read an article." And what was the response? "If you don't want to register, then you don't get to read the articles. No one owes you information; if you don't play by their rules, you don't get to read it!" And my response? "Gee, thanks for the ethics lesson in morality, Dad. Luckily I use a browser that blocks those ads from being viewed. It's just terrible that the whole point of registering is so they can send our emails out to every spam company there is. Of course, we all have our own spam-catching email accounts." I still think it's a stupid rule. Once it's on the internet, how is that different than someone reading it in a library or some newspaper at a restaurant (which you didn't pay for that paper)? It seems like some websites are just intent on screwing you over and raping you of your privacy (viruses, spyware in advertisements, cookies) and yet these sites are ass-sore because maybe a dozen or two people read an article that's days, sometimes weeks old?? |
| <> Saturday September 25th 2004 <> Can a nigga get a job?? Well thank you, Virginia Tech. You lost 17-16 and cost me 10 points in my ESPN Pick 'Em's team...thus fucking me over for the week. Thanks for NOTHING, shitheads! And you owe me 10 points or 10 million dollars. And you exposed that I have absolutely no clue about college football! And now, for a new feature at the column. Often times, I'm up late at night, or I'll wake up in the middle of the night, and write something down that seems pretty funny to me. Of course, waking up the next day and reading it during the day...and seeing that it makes absolutely no sense or just seems downright incoherent. Was I drunk? I'm sure that was possible, but most of the stuff was written after I went to bed, woke up and scribbled on the back of a bank statement or something. I once wrote a bit on green string, and how apparently there wasn't enough attention and praise given to green string. I searched and searched for that scribbled piece of paper but I can't find it. I think the bit was there was some big business meeting at NOS (National Organization of String) and they kept saying shit like "red and blue string is hogging all of the glory...we need to bring back green string! People want more green string! They need to know they're gonna love it!!" But to no avail, Mr. Green-String Agenda got his proposition shot down. Does this make any sense? Nope. Is it stupid? Yep. But for some reason, it made me laugh then..but now it doesn't. Insomia plays cruel tricks to the sense of humor. |
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| <> Wednesday September 1st 2004 <> "Hey Mr. Tangerine Man, gray a lawn for me..."
Well, here we are. Another new month, another new graphic thing around the date. August's was actually an abstract "sun face" or a face people draw on Sun artwork. This months is (roughly) a football, in honor of football season starting. I seriously don't know how good the Bears will be this year, but our passing game took a huge hit (perhaps not such a bad thing to go to a run-heavy offense when you got a 2nd-year QB) but our defense is a lot better. And despite this stupid kicking asshole costing us the playoffs last year, percentage-wise he's the best in the NFL so perhaps we'll win some close games. Also I've been writing a bit lately...most recently working on a baseball proposal if I was ever to become commissioner....and what changes I would bring to the game in general. Of course, my proposal causes MLB to lose fans, lose money but improves the overall product and the game itself to where it was before the sport grew too big and to the farce that it's become. Of course, a lot of my plan hinges on destroying the Union, so as unrealistic as that is, this is just for fun, and once I finish it (right now, 3 pages; single spaced, easily the longest essay I have ever written in my life) and it'll come with graphics (which doesn't show as much effort as I put into it). I could literally write at least 2 pages behind every rule and example, but that would be pointless.. I'll make it short, brief and right to the point. "Dear FDA, Please change your Food Pyramid. You cannot possibly expect people to eat 3 to 5 servings of vegetables and fruits a day! Don't you know how awful vegetables taste?? We all know it's a conspiracy caused by the government & farmers and so-called "Nutritionist Experts". And the climate being what it is today, it has become too apparent that many different crops each year are ruined / yielding poor production; thus inducing price gouging when we're duped into believing our reliance is crucial on these products. Someday we will all live on pills and vitamins and put an end to this tyranny. Please expand your daily recommendations of cheese, meat, and cheese-related snacks. Sincerely, Cheesehead." |
| <> Sunday September 26th 2004 <> "Now you've done it!" Well....wasn't this a shitty day. Not only did I (like a stupid dumb fucking idiot) change my pick from the Vikings not the cover the spread to cover the spread at the last minute, the Bears lost QB Rex Grossman for the next 7 to 10 months. All on a play where he ran some 10 yards for the TD and dove and fumbled after the ball has crossed the line while some Viking asshole jumped on top of him. The refs first said he didn't make it, then Rex got hauled off the field, the play was reviewed and it was ruled a TD...and Rex wasn't even there to enjoy his first TD. A "ruptured ACL", they say. So now we got some other kid named "Quinn" to QB us, and he has even less experience than Rex (who started only 6 games). And because of that stupid play...it prevented the Vikings from covering the spread. God damn it. I feel like an asshole for rooting for the Vikings when I know I shouldn't be. Well now I can feel confident that the Bears are going to finish 3-13. And did anyone notice that this was another injury that happened on the new and "wonderful" Field turf grass? You know, that plastic green grass that's like 3 inches tall and sits on top of a ground covered in sand and shredded tire (that's why you see a big black dust kick up every time somebody plants their foot.) They say it's supposed to absorb the impact, but players have been bitching that the tire bits get in their eyes during the game. Oh well, it's still better than the green velvet and concrete that Astroturf was. Oh, and did anyone else notice that the Vikings helmet now actually matches the purple jersey? It only took them some 20 years to fix it. Oh, and Minnesota Vikings fans are (literally) the most retarded fans in football. It's a football game, not the Rocky Horror Picture Show. |
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| <> Monday September 27th 2004 <> It's not over until you're underground What a strange past few days it's been on the road. I've seen more Hummers in one week than in my entire life. I thought those things only got like gas mileage of like 1 mile per gallon. And not to mention...an ugly piece of shit looking vehicle. Why do they make those things wider than the lane? And when I thought I saw it all...I saw a Hummer limousine. This thing literally... had at least 14 doors on it...maybe 18. You may be able to drive up a mountain or thru a wetland but that mountain or wetland isn't going to pay for your gasoline now, is it? Also today I've been craving cheese...like...BADLY. After work I almost stopped by the store to pick up some cheetos, some Merkt's sharp cheddar cheese spread (awesome on crackers & burgers), some shells n cheese (Velveeta) and some nacho cheese in a jar for tortilla chips but decided not to. I was absolutely starving and knowing me, I would have gotten 3 of everything. At a cheese factory in Wisconsin... Cheese factory owner: "Well this is strange...ever since we hired Dolf our production has doubled but our profits have gone down!" Dolf: **stuffs some cheese into his mouth** "Haha, that's funny, boss." Cheese factory owner: "Dolf, you haven't been swimming in the Cheese Whiz pool again, have you? The customers have been complaining of finding pubic hair in their cheese." Dolf: **dips another chip into the cheese whiz** "I am baffled...seriously." **dumps some cheese whiz on some popcorn** Cheese factory owner: "Well I don't know, then! **shakes head** Alright, then. Carry on!" |
| <> Tuesday September 28th 2004 <> Now we've been blessed with cholesterol lowing /
DNA-altering medication! Another day, another Hummer sighting. Only this one was a "mini-Hummer".. if there is such a thing. It was actually a normal sized car, but with the ugliness and impracticality of a Hummer. Today was the day of the Quizno's Steakhouse beef dip sandwich. My god, it was extremely tasty and came with a lot of meat for 2.99. It also came with some cheese, and some white spiced sauce and a surprisingly beefy tasting dipping gravy. Usually that kind of stuff is just water and salt with brown dye in it, but this actually had flavor. Also, the Quizno's "toasted sub" is a crock. My sandwich was no way in hell even close to being as toasty as the ones in the commercial which look like they spent 20 minutes in a 425 degree oven. Mine..only the corner was barely toasted. So they make up the sandwich..and send it thru this is like flame-throwing toaster that's like the size of a 21" inch television set and it sailed out some 20 seconds later. Naturally the yuppie business lunch crowd doesn't have time to stand around and wait for their god damn sandwich to get toasted. But never the less, my first Quizno's experience was a positive one and I will come back again someday and will eventually try some of their soups. I love soups. Winter's coming, you know. And I'd like to take this opportunity to say that I hate clowns. When I run for President (or dictator) one my campaign issues will be to make it illegal to dress up as a clown, and all possible evidence of clowns (including video tape, DVDs, pictures of clowns and Ronald McDonald) will promptly be destroyed in weekly town bon fires. I absolutely refuse to look directly at a clown, and when I see one, I look away and if one is trying to talk to me or hand me something, I completely ignore them. You have to be one sick motherfucker to dress up as a clown. There's just something about clowns that's morbidly evil. Yeah, I don't give a shit if you like clowns or say we shouldn't ban them, but I think there's more than enough people in this country that hate them. So naturally by doing this, the "clown" and clown paraphernalia will become collector's items and beloved as lawn darts, which of course still enjoy a huge underground success since being banned in 1987. Dear Fox TV Chicago, This is the hardest letter I've ever written. Your bonehead strategy of putting an hour of the show "Yes, Dear" syndication reruns 5 days a week (and sometimes once or twice during the weekend) has proven to be a deathly blackhole. "Yes, Dear" is seriously unfunny, incredibly dull and is poison. Yes, the characters have personalities, but the show is so poorly written. Every episode feels like sitting inside your crazy neighbor's house for 30 minutes or wearing that itchy and uncomfortable light blue & lime green sweater your aunt sent you. And there's nothing funny about Mike O'Malley not having his own show on NBC anymore or that his tv-wife on "Yes, Dear" seems to getting fatter and fatter with every episode or the fact that the main character "Greg" seems to be a whiny, pussy wimp little bitch. Not to mention that "Kim", the curly haired and hot wife of "Greg" seems extremely annoying and perky and suffers from "Kelly Ripa-itis". The kids are either annoying or pointless and would be served better by pushing them out into the street. When will we get to see the kids get run over by a car in the street Yes, Dear producers? Probably never, since the show is on hiatus. Please remove at least one of the two episodes (or both, which would be super) from your daily broadcasts. Failure to do so will result in a massive barrage of emails, sidewalk protests complete with pitch forks and fire, along with sit-ins and hunger strikes, as well as baby, pigs & virgin sacrifices.... and mailings of poop, rotten eggs and pottery catelogs. Sincerely, P.E.T.T.B (People for the Ethical Treatment of Television Broadcasting) |
| <> Wednesday September 29th 2004 <> "it sounds like someone is trying earn some jewelry!" What's it mean being old? Well, I'm not talking "old" like 40 or 35 or 30, I'm talking, fresh off of your teenage years "old". Yeah, I'm 26, and I still feel like I'm 17 most of the time. About the only thing I do to celebrate my adulthood is drink beer. I still don't go to nudity bars or "wrestle around" with hookers, nor do I rent and watch R-rated movies or march past naked boobies. But being older is having experience. A 26 year old has seen more than a 25 year old. A 27 year old has seen more than a 26 year old. And so on. What the older person does with that extra 365 day advantage is up to them. Most of the time it means nothing, but sometimes it comes in handy. Usually with age, comes perspective. Along with wisdom that comes with age..comes hypocrisy. I find myself condemning people for their actions when I'd do the same thing (like a fan in LA booing and throwing a $6 beer bottle at a certain asshole millionaire baseball player while being drunk after he fucked up a play that cost the team 2 runs). There's a conflict within...like when buying a ticket to a baseball game, does that ticket give me the right, ...no wait..the duty to make a complete ass of myself? Or does it mean I've earned the right to sit down and watch the baseball match? It seems lately that fans (and people) are increasingly evermore growing more resentful of their world everyday. More and more fans are screaming "fuck you" and other colorful profanities at baseball players...throwing shit on the field (beer bottles, cell phones, batteries, golf balls in Montreal (I didn't know Canadians even played golf!) It's not just fans..it's people. We're becoming even more hostile. Our oil (god damn it we love our oil. Oil fucking rules!!) seems to always be going up, meaning it fucks us over in everything else in our life from gasoline to supermarket food (lousy Speed-taking fat-ass truck drivers). I've noticed lately, that traffic light left-turn green arrows are getting shorter and shorter every day because some motherfuckers in the lanes to your front left and right decide that suddenly it's legal to make left turns long after the light has turned red. Let's face it...our lives suck..and it's only going to get worse. And we're all fighting our survival instincts of wanting to kick our car door open, grab our baseball bat and fucking beat the shit out of those assholes who keep making left turns when their light is red. Gee, did you ever stop and think that *maybe* it's safer to actually sit there, suck it up and wait for the next green arrow?? Of course, it doesn't help that all these fucking old farts who can't even wipe the shit off their ass drive 5 mph everywhere and have no business being on the road in the first place, but I'm seeing these fat housewives driving their ugly minivans with their brats n' friends going thru red lights on left turns. You realize that someday somebody isn't going to take your shit anymore and crush those stupid brats with their front car bumper? Hmm?? No fatty, I guess you don't. So back to the topic. The problem is...people shoot their mouth off...do something so petty...get confronted..and do nothing afterwards. Logic says that's a good thing. But say you're playing football against some fucking asshole who needs to be punched in the neck, you two start jive talking, then you start pushing each other around, then you do this for a minute until the refs pull you apart. "You call that a fight??" Then the other part of me says, "What the fuck is wrong with you?? Let it be! Leave it alone! Don't start shit, you'll only get a penalty / suspended!" Ugh. So conflicted! You want to see a good fight, but you don't want to see some stupid nark come down on your team's ass. You want to confront, but it'll only create more problems! Ugh!! And you don't want to be some pansy who takes shit all the time. There's a saying that you should "pick your battles", but who the fuck says which battles to pick and which ones to not? There is no set rule. So go nuts! No wait, act right! Shit! |
| <> Thursday September 30th 2004 <> It would be nice to walk across the water again. Wow Thursday nights suck. Tho, I've said that before. But I really mean it. It's such a slow, boring night. I decided to eat two meals because I was that bored! Thursday night is without doubt the worst night for television. Growing up, it was by far the best night for television. How times have changed. And instead of looking for something, which is just too much work, I just turned off the tv at 7pm and did nothing. Eventually around 11:30 I just gave up and went to bed. Btw yesterday was the long-awaited announcement of the Montreal Expos moving to Washington D.C.! I've been following the potential Expos move since at least 1999 and it's finally happened! Tho the true relief will be when they play that first game next April. There's talk of former Expos minority owners suing to keep the team from moving, but why in the hell would they even still want the Expos?? The team completely sucks, their minor league system is in shambles, the stadium is horrible while no one in Canada wants to pay for a new one, the team has to take in Canadian currency and pay out in American currency, and the team has almost no fan or sponsor support whatsoever. Plus all other 29 MLB teams have been paying at least $5.5 million+ to keep this stupid Expos team running. Just let it go...the situation is too deteriorated. Let the fans in DC have a team now. I just hope the DC team is called the Senators or the Nationals and that their colors are dark blue, red and white, or maroon and yellow and white. Knowing MLB..they'll fuck it up. They'll do something stupid, like give the team like 7 colors, and make the uniform script have 4 outlines, or give it a really stupid name. Speaking of design, there's been a lot of talk of redesigning webpages... either to stick with something classic and update the look, or completely revamp it. Originally the plan for untitled daily column project (still looking for a name!) was to scan a blank section of a newspaper, and have that little piece tiled as the background... to give it that texture look with all those little pieces of black and white paper shards that are in newspapers. Tho I wonder how good and sharp it'll look on a monitor..since those newspaper bits are so small...it'll probably just end up looking like smudges. |
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