WWF/SALIOR (sic) MOON CROSSOVER - She's a HOSS, I tell's ya!

And here's the second public offering of the Usual Gang of Suspects, also the first non-lemon. But what this fic lacks in lemony badness, it makes up for in... Nearly every other way... Worst part is that it sucks you in at first by merely being goofy.

Couple of notes: One - this MSTing is chock full o' wrestling references. Hopefully, I haven't used too many that will just leave you scratching your head. Feel free to email me at at the address below for explanations on any wrestle-centric riffs. Two - the profanity is a bit heavier than I innntended. Not that it approaches _Pulp Fiction_ levels, but those very sensitive among us might not appareciate it.

Get it? Good! On with the disclaimers!

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and all related characters are the property of Best Brains, Inc. The Usual Gang of Suspects are property of the respective members. (Yes, all five UGoS {and Fred} are real people!) Mr. McMahon © WWE Entertainment. "WWF/Salior Moon Crossover" is property of Luke Bannon (Wherever the hell he may be...)

And as always, comments/C&C/flames/death threats can be directed to [email protected]

WARNING: This MSTing contains riffs reffering to, inspired by, and/or ripped off from Batman, Dungeons & Dragons, "Monty Python And The Holy Grail", "Sluggy Freelance", "Dinosaurs", "Cheers", "South Park", "Breath of Fire II", "Spaceballs", "Blazing Saddles", Janet Jackson's "Nasty Boys", Bob Seger's "Turn The Page", "The Eye of Argon", "Clue", Mighty Mouse, "Giant Robo", "Hoosiers", The Smurfs, "Friday The 13", And, of course, professional wrestling.

Theme song (to the tune of the "MST3K" theme)

In the not too future
Next someday AD
There lived this guy named Mickey
Not too different from you or me

He worked on his own wrestling site
He made sure the hacks had their facts just right
He did a good job riffing cyberspace
But the marks didn’t like it, so they shot him into space!

(What... the... F*ck!)

(Vinniemac)We’ll send him rotten postings
The worst we can find!

(La, la, la!)

(Madden)He’ll have to sit and read them all
All the better to blow his mind!

(La, la, la!)

Now keep in mind Mickey can’t control
where the postings begin or end.

(La, la, la!)

He’ll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his UGoS friends…

UGoS role call:

Kenny! (Babe magnet)
Freezer! (Disturbing!)
Orange Viking (Dark!)
Saint JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMES (That’s one A!)

If you’re wondering how they eat or breathe
And other science facts

(La, la, la!)

Just repeat to yourself "It’s in the script"
I should really just relax.

For Mystery UGoS Theater 3000!

<Twang!>

[6]…[5]…[4]…[3]…[2]…[1]

[We open with a shot of Freezer and Maple Leaf Mickey, both in surgical scrubs and masks, are working intensely on the back of an iMac (The brightly colored plastic ones, not the Star Trek looking ones). Saint James is on Freezer's right. Kenny is to Mickey's left]

FREEZER: Soldering iron.

S.JAMES: Soldering iron. <Hands Freezer a soldering iron.>

MICKEY: Board solvent.

KENNY: Board solvent. <Hands MLM an aerosol can>

FREEZER: FM Receiver.

S.JAMES: FM receiver. <Hands Freezer an old Walkman>

MLM & FREEZER: Pizza.

S.JAMES & KENNY: Pizza. <Each lifts up the mask of their partner, and shoves a pizza slice into their mouths.>

{Enter Orange Viking to the foreground}

VIKING: 'Lo, everybody! And welcome to the Satellite of Kayfabe. Orange Viking of the Usual Gang of Suspects here! You folks at home are probably confused as to just what the hell is going on behind me here. Well, to understand that you'll need a little background info. You guys probably know the basic set up by now - average guys kidnapped to a satellite. Forced to read bad writing until our wills break. What you don't know is that our particular "Mads", Vince McMahon, Mark Madden, and former UGoS member...

OTHERS: AND TRAITOROUS BASTARD!!!

VIKING: And traitorous bastard, Fred, decided that we might break faster if we had sub-standard versions of the "comforts of home." For instance - the pizza over there is cold Little Caesar's, the sodas are warm store brand caffeine-free diet cola, and that carcass they're working on behind me is an old iMac that only gets 33.6 speed AOL.

S.JAMES: Filtered, no less!

VIKING: Yep. But our resident tech geeks, Freezer and Mickey, found some blueprints online for converting our wireless net hook up to some sort of broadband pirating gizmo. We'll ignore the fact that they know as much about Mac hardware as I do about speaking ancient Hebrew. I'm still not sure how they found that stuff past the filters.

MICKEY: A) No filter is going to catch everything. B) Some pages are designed to duck such filters.

FREEZER: And C) Just how much can you expect to catch with a filter called "i-Sissy?"

MICKEY: Okay, let's boot this sucker up and see if anything blows up! Flips power switch...

FREEZER: Okay, booting up fine... Modem humming along...

KENNY: Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed. [Turns to see every staring at him] What?

MICKEY: Aaaand.... Hell, yes! We're in! Freezer, start setting up that binary robot!

FREEZER: Yessir! <Steps in front of the keyboard>

VIKING: We got a service with NNTP access?

MICKEY: Don't know. We decided not to chance it and signed on with a pay service.

VIKING: How? Vince took our wallets when we got sent up here.

FREEZER: Yes, but somehow, Mark Madden was puttering around on this iMac before it got sent up here, and decided to order some... things online, and OH MY... There's his credit card info! And here we are. We're set up and ready to go!

MICKEY: Okay, where do we go first: The porn groups, the bootleg movie groups, or alt.binaries.pro-wrestling?

KENNY: Wrestling. We need to inoculate ourselves from whatever crap Vince is sending our way.

S.JAMES: Porn. Nothing strengthens your resolve like naked women!

FREEZER: I'm with SJ!

MICKEY: I'm with Kenny! OV, you're the tiebreaker.

VIKING: Actually, I wanted the movie group.

[Pause]

FREEZER: WHY?!?

VIKING: I wanna see "The Matrix Reloaded," dammit!!

FREEZER: Actually, guys, this particular newsreader lets you queue up your choices before you start downloading. So we can actually get everything in one fell swoop.

VIKING: Cool, then let's hit the wrestling!

FREEZER: Alrighty, TNA - here we come! <Punches a few keys Okay, let's see what we got... Hmm... Last night's Raw. Last week's Smackdown... Last month's PPV... This... Month's PPV. The last six episodes of Heat AND Velocity! What the hell?!?

MICKEY: It's like someone jammed up the group with WWE crap!

KENNY: And speak of the devil, guess who's chosen this moment to call!

[Cut down to Deep Titan. All we get is an EXTREME close up of one Vincent K. McMahon's mug.]

VINCE: Well, well! Look who's run into to my mini-experiment in squeezing out my competition? You may have noticed that the pro-wrestling newsgroup is full of WWE brand Sports Entertainment™.

[SofK]

KENNY: How does he pronounce that trademark symbol?

MICKEY: And you do know that if you loaded up the group with that much crap, the next guy to download last week's New Japan show is going start knocking your stuff of the servers, right?

[DT]

VINCE: Yes, but does that guy have a room full of computers and aT-1 line dedicated to re-uploading WWE Brand Sports Entertainment™? And as for your little experiment in piracy, while I commend the quasi-legality of the act, you are trying to defy my will. Therefore, the bootlegging stays, but I'll have to
set your filter to "Taliban." You'll be lucky if you can log on to Cartoon Network from now on!

FRED:[Unseen, from behind Vince] Can we please do the Gimmick Exchange? This thing is starting to scare me!

VINCE: Oh, yes! The Gimmick Exchange! Now, we'll go first, since I'm curious as to how your presentation will go once we fire up this baby.

{Vince steps back to reveal Fred and Mark Madden standing on either side of a table. On the table is a rather large, cannon-looking device.}

[SofK]

S.JAMES: Okay, so you managed to build the laser Simon used in "Die Hard." Impressive...

FREEZER: Can you carve your name in The Moon with it?

S.JAMES: Wrong laser, Freeze.

[DT]

VINCE: Oh, no. Nothing so... Mundane!

FRED: Y'see, this little baby was designed to turn puroresu workers...

MADDEN: That's "Japanese Wrestlers" to the marks out there.

FRED: Into bonafied catch-phrase spewing, t-shirt selling Sports Entertainers.

VINCE: Just imagine someone like Antonio Inoki, Sasuke, or The Great Muta strutting down to a WWE ring oozing WWE attitude!

[SofK]

VIKING: We'd toss our WWE cookies?

[DT]

MADDEN: Screw you, Lab Rat.

FRED: But then we discovered that if you cross a certain pair of wires, you'll get a rather amusing different effect.

VINCE: Say, for instance, that a certain satellite were in perfect position to intercept a beam from another satellite, and... Well, it would take a scientist to explain it, but here's the end result.

[Madden presses a button on the laser, causing it to tilt upwards and fire through the ceiling. Cut to a shot of Earth, as the beam starts bouncing off satellites around the globe, until it hits the SOL. Inside the satellite, the beam manages to zero in on Freezer.]

[SofK]

MICKEY: Freezer? You okay, buddy?

FREEZER: <Yeah. Yeah. I'm good. Except that keep tasting copper... And apparently I've been dubbed into Japanese!>

S.JAMES: Japanese, huh? Well, you've always wanted to learn.

FREEZER: <But I'd like to speak it on purpose!>

[DM - The "Mads" huddle up.]

FRED: Crap! It didn't work!

MADDEN: It did sort of... Just not all the way.

VINCE: Maybe something in the satellite is filtering the signal?

[SofK]

MICKEY: Just what do you mean "Not all the way!"

FREEZER: <Yeah! Was I NOT supposed to sound like an undubbed Iron Chef episode?!?>

KENNY: Freeze? You wanna be quiet until we can understand you again. That's kinda disturbing.

FREEZER: <But disturbing's what I do!>

VIKING: No, no, no, waiter! I ordered mine with rice, not noodles!

FREEZER: <Remind me to kill you later.>

[DT]

VINCE: [S.E.G. on his face] Oh, don't mind us! You just move along with your gimmick.

[SofK]

FREEZER: <Okay, I'm gonna sit this one out. At least until my language track resets.> [Walks offscreen]

KENNY: Did you just say Godzilla was attacking?

FREEZER: [Offscreen] <SHADDAP!!>

MICKEY: Well, given that we have tons of free time up here, and not much in terms of what you'd call recreational products...

KENNY: Good ones, anyway.

[DT]

VINCE: And just what was wrong with that box of games I sent up to you last month?

[SofK]

MICKEY: [Shakes head] If you even have to ask...

S.JAMES: And I don't even want to know where you dug up Wrestlemania VCR board game!

VIKING: Anyhoo... We decided to try our hand at a traditional paper RPG.

KENNY: Seeing as how none of us know jack about D&D rules or anything, that didn't last long.

MICKEY: But then we decided to take what little we did know about RPGs and combine it with something we DO know - Wrestling.

S.JAMES: And what we came up with is: Topé Con Hero - The Wrestling RPG!

VIKING: Let's take it up from out last campaign.

[Mickey picks up an official looking folder]

MICKEY: Okay, your party has been confronted by The Dragon of Steamboat. He casts "Skin The Cat" on the party for -3 damage. "Shi no Ferret" Puroresu bantamweight, you're up!

S.JAMES: Cast "Green Mist of Muta." [Rolls for damage]

MICKEY: Hit. Dragon is stunned for a two-count. El Rico Suave, the Luchador - go!

KENNY: Attack with +3 Steel Chair.

MICKEY: Hit! Purplemask, the mystery man - go!

VIKING: Attack with "Spear of Goldberg" [Rolls for damage]

MICKEY: Mah gawd! You broke the Dragon in half! *AHEM* Ah... Critical hit. Dragon is defeated.

S.JAMES: Neat, huh?

[DT]

VINCE: Hmm... I wonder how I could make an invincible Owner class warrior... I'll have to steal that idea from you later. But as for now, your target this week is something that just turns my stomach!

[SofK]

MICKEY: Point by point analysis of how your running your own company into the ground?

KENNY: Scott Keith writing in praise of NWA:TNA?

S.JAMES: Transcription of the last Triple H/Kevin Nash match? <All shudder

[DT]

VINCE: Oh, hell no! This is some jackass who decided to put some Japanese girly cartoon <Turns around What was it called again?

FRED: Sailor Moon.

VINCE: Right, this "Sailor Moon" crap together with my Sports Entertainment. As if I'd hire a bunch of Japanese girls as anything other than eye candy or cannon fodder. Anyway, it insults my intelligence. So you're going to rip it apart on my behalf.

[SofK - The UGoS are clearly confused by that last remark]

MICKEY: Wait, wait! There has to be some catch! It's a lemon? It's written by a giggling 12-year old who put Jeff Hardy together with Sailor Moon? What's wrong with it?

[DT]

VINCE: Oh, just rip the damn thing! Send them the fic, boys!

MADDEN & FRED: Aye, aye, Captain!

[SofK]

KENNY: "Sailor Moon?" Never heard of it! I think...

MICKEY: Well, jog your memory! WE GOT CROSSOVER SIGN!!!

{All scurry off}

[ 1 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 6 ]...[ * ]

[From left to right on your screen. Saint James, Kenny, Maple Leaf Mickey, Freezer, Orange Viking]

VIKING: [To Freezer] You sure you're alright, partner?
FREEZER: Well, I'm in English again. And other than some lightheadedness and a craving for miso soup, I'm fine.

WWF/SALIOR MOON CROSS OVER

FREEZER: "SALIOR..." Not a promising start.
S.JAMES: "Sally Orr," huh? Sounds like a Canadian Sailor Scout.
VIKING: o/~ Fighting evil by moonlight. Drinking Molson’s by daylight o/~

By Luke Bannon

MICKEY: [Darth Vader] Luke, you are Race Bannon!
KENNY: [Bannon] If I join the Dark Side, do I get to off those two annoying brats?
MICKEY: [Vader] Knock yourself out!
KENNY: [Bannon] Sign me up!

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the Sailor Moon characters. I only refer to most of the Sailor Scouts as their scout names, as well, I forget their names (I know Serena is Sailor Moon’s real name and Amy (I Think) is Sailor Mercury’s real name).

MICKEY: Y'know, Luke my boy? They have this thing now called "The Internet" where you can look that sort of thing up. Think about that.

I also don’t own any of the WWF Characters used either.

S.JAMES: Neither does the World Wildlife Fund.
KENNY: Now, if you were talking "WWE" characters.

So Please, Please, Please, DON’T SUE ME!!!!!!

FREEZER: [Bannon] I own nothing. Nothing at all.
MICKEY: Huh?!?
FREEZER: EXTREME inside joke...

CHAPTER 1

Sailor Moon was slightly nervous, as she looked out from the backstage curtain.

S.JAMES: It was opening night for "I Will Punish You: The Musical."

She only watched wrestling occasionally, she never expected to become a performer in anyway, let alone in the WWF.

VIKING: Given that she's 14, shorter than Spike Dudley, doesn't speak a word of English, and is the worst physical fighter on the team...

She had jokingly, put down her, the other Sailor scouts names down on a "Tough Enough" application form.

KENNY: I didn't know ran TE tryouts in Japan.
MICKEY: The dark tentacles of Titan spread far and wide, my friend!

"I mean, it’s not like we’ll win." She thought to herself.

S.JAMES: With their superpowers, and all...

But still, they had won. It had involved about three months in one of the training camps, and another month working in dark matches

FREEZER: Screw protecting the world from evil - LET'S RASSLE!!!

but Vince has decided they were ready. Serena was going to be first, in a match on Heat against Molly Holly.

VIKING: Which means either Serena uses her powers, in which case, Molly's road kill, or she doesn't, which means Molly ties her in knots.

Sailor Moon looked down, Luna was sitting on the floor beside her.

KENNY: There's a pussy joke in there somewhere, I just know it!

"Good luck Serena." Luna said. "I’m still not sure about this though."

S.JAMES: [Luna] I really don't think leather overalls and a gimp mask are appropriate ring attire.

Sailor Moon pretended to act confident. "Don’t worry Luna, I know what I’m doing."

MICKEY: About to embarrass yourself myself in front of millions of people?
FREEZER: Remember that Heat's not on MTV anymore. It's on TNN now.
MICKEY: Right. "In front of thousands of people."

"That’s what’s worrying me." Luna mumbled.

Just then Sailor Moon’s music hit

VIKING: Crushing the entire upper deck.
KENNY: Served them right!

and she made her way to the ring. She came out to a decent reaction.

ALL: [Deadpan] Yay.

As she climbed into the ring she went to the turnbuckle and posed.

S.JAMES: [Sailor Moon] In the name of the moon - SUCK IIIIIIIT!!!

Then Molly and Crash’s music hit

MICKEY: It then killed the entire front row.
FREEZER: OSHA's gonna have kittens about all those unsecured theme songs...

as they made their way to the ring.

"Molly Holly set to compete against this new comer to the WWF, Sailor Moon." Michael Cole commentated.

VIKING: [Cole] Finally! Someone who knows less about the business than I do!

"I’ll give the Meat Ball head credit," Tazz began "She’s a hot chick,

KENNY: For a l4-year old...
S.JAMES: [Jerry Lawler] Where?!? WHERE?!?

but can she kick ass?"

Sailor Moon and Molly started off with some grappling,

FREEZER: CATFI...
MICKEY: Not yet!

then Sailor Moon locked Molly in a headlock.

"Headlock now by Sailor Moon." Michael said.

VIKING: Thank you, Captain Obvious!
MICKEY: Say what you will about the rest of this fic, Bannon's got Michael Cole down pat.

Molly then elbowed Sailor Moon several times then whipped her off the ropes.

KENNY: Whip 'er good!

"Good reversal by Molly Holly." Michael continued.

S.JAMES: God! He's just as annoying in print as he is on TV!

"MC, you suck, you know that?" Tazz remarked.

MICKEY: Hell yeah! Preach it, Tazz!

"You tell me that every week." Michael replied.

FREEZER: When did it stop being true?

As this happened, Sailor Moon ran, Molly did a leap frog but Sailor Moon grabbed onto the ropes

VIKING: She wanted to play "Red Rover," and dammit, that's what they were gonna play!

while Molly put her head down, Sailor Moon then capitalised by doing a DDT.

"What a DDT!" Michael exclaimed.

FREEZER: [Jewish] What? A DDT?
KENNY: [Italian] What? A DDT!

Sailor Moon then went for a cover and Molly kicked out. Sailor Moon picked Molly back up, and was about to do a suplex,

MICKEY: Then promptly forgot how, dropping Molly on her head and leaving her a quadriplegic.
S.JAMES: <TSK!> Hate it when that happens!

but Molly slid down her back.

"Suplex- wait Molly sliding down the back." Michael called.

VIKING: Wait - it was a backdrop! Wait - it was a Spicolli Driver! NO WAIT! It was a Space Flying Tiger Drop!!!

"That bimbo can’t do a suplex like I can!" Tazz boasted.

FREEZER: But you don't look as good in a skirt, so it evens out.
MICKEY: Ew... Image of Tazz in a sailor suit... <shudders>

Molly began to do knife edge chops to Sailor Moon.

ALL: WHOOO!!!

Molly then did a Hurricanrana, but at the last minute Sailor Moon reversed it into a Sun Set Flip for a near fall.

S.JAMES: My people call it "Sunset."
KENNY: Wait - how do you reverse a hurricanrana into anything? Let alone a sunset flip?
MICKEY: I think he meant "roll through." At least I hope he did...

"Great athleticism by Sailor Moon! Nearly had Molly Holly."

"Had that other air head almost beat!" Tazz said, insultingly.

FREEZER: Tazz is being a bit of the jerk tonight, isn't he?

"What a jerk!" Sailor Moon thought as she got back up.

FREEZER: Stay out of my head, Sailor Moon!

She picked Molly up, but Molly then did a small package for a two count.

VIKING: This is probably sounding vaguely filthy to someone who doesn't know much about wrestling...

"That time Molly with a two count." Michael said.

ALL: Shut up, Cole!

After several more minutes of action,

FREEZER: Hot Lesbian Action?
KENNY: You wish!
FREEZER: Damn right, I do!

Sailor Moon went for a whip into the turnbuckle but Molly reversed. Then Molly hit Sailor Moon with a tornado DDT for the
victory.

MICKEY: And the crowd goes mild.
ALL: [Deadpan] Yay.

But things weren’t over. Sailor Moon then ran and did a take down on Molly. The two began to roll around the ring pulling each other’s hair.

FREEZER: Now?
S.JAMES: Now!
ALL: CATFIGHT! CATFIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!

"Wait, these two aren’t done yet!" Michael Cole exclaimed.

MICKEY: Gee? You think?

"Cat fight! Cat fight!" Tazz called excited.

VIKING: Stop that! That's getting creepy!

Crash was going to interrupt, but he then decided against it. He instead ran to the back.

KENNY: To get his video camera.
FREEZER: Smart man!

"Crash not getting in the way." Michael observed.

S.JAMES: Okay, I must strenuously object to this portrayal of Michael Cole!
MICKEY: Why? Doesn't seem that far off the mark to me.
S.JAMES: Yes, but in what Bizzaro World does Michael Cole go an entire match without waxing orgasmic about what's going to happen at the Pay Per View three months from now, or the main event three hours from now?
MICKEY: ...That's a really good point!

"Good!" Tazz said.

MICKEY: Okay, that *IS* creepy!

Just then Molly then ripped off Sailor Moon’s top exposing her bra.

FREEZER: WOO HOO!!!
KENNY: Dude, she's like 14!
FREEZER: So I'm going to Hell for this! I repeat: WOO HOO!!!

Sailor Moon then pulled Molly’s top off. There was a huge pop from the crowd.

VIKING: [Crowd] We love underage boobies!

They continued to roll and pull each other's hair until the Right to Censor’s music began as they came out.

MICKEY: Oh joy. It's the Kick-Me Squad!

"Dammit!" Tazz said, frustrated.

KENNY: Seconded!

"For God’s sake! The Right to Censor!"

S.JAMES: Hey Freeze! That means Ivory is back in her "Schoolmarm of Doom" suit!
VIKING: I think he already realized that...

[Freezer is zoned out, a line of drool running down his face.]

KENNY: Eww! Clean up on Aisle 1!
MICKEY: Someone get that man a bib!

Steven and the others slid into the ring. They put the censored covers over Molly and Sailor Moon. Bull and Goodfather then forced the two of them away, as Steven began to speak.

FREEZER: [Snapping out of it] Wait... What?!? Bull and Goodfather? No Ivory!?! Damn it all...
MICKEY: [Mockingly] What's the matter, Freeze?
S.JAMES: [ditto] Yeah, I thought you were on board with RTC from the start, with our without Ivory?
FREEZER: I was! But it's like going back to Pop-Tarts once you've gotten used to Toaster Strudels! I needs my Ivory, dammit!!!

"What is wrong with you people?

VIKING: Where should we start?

You cheer for two indecent women rolling around the ring, molesting one another?"

ALL: Hell yes!

"I sure do!" Tazz said.

KENNY: Well, no one asked you!

"Molesting? That’s ridiculous!" Michael Cole said.

MICKEY: Yeah! They can't molest each other at the same time!

Steven then began to speak again "This is not setting a good example for the chil-"

S.JAMES: He blue-screened!

He was hit from behind, by a woman dressed pretty much like Sailor Moon, except with purply hair, and a red skirt.

"Who the hell’s that?" Michael asked.

["Mars, Bringer of War" starts playing throughout the theater. Everyone starts staring at Freezer, who's looking around the room.]

FREEZER: [Notices everyone staring] What?
KENNY: Dude, you didn't notice that?
FREEZER: Yeah, and I was wondering when we got loud speakers installed here...
S.JAMES: That didn't come from any loudspeaker...
VIKING: That came from your head!

[Pause]

FREEZER: You're high!
MICKEY: It's true! How else would theme music for Sailor Mars be playing in here?
FREEZER: Yeah, whatever! As far as I know, Vince set all this up just to screw with us.
KENNY: Fine, have it your way.

Val and Ivory were about to jump her,

FREEZER: What? Ivory *IS* there?!? WOO HOO! All's right with the world again!
S.JAMES: You are just so f'n sad...

until another two women, one with brown hair and a green skirt,

[AC/DC's "Thunderstruck" starts playing]

VIKING: There it is again!
KENNY: You gonna tell us we imagined that one, too?
FREEZER: Yes I am!

the other with blue hair and a blue skirt.

[Metallica's "Trapped Under Ice."]

MICKEY: Okay, try to deny *THAT ONE* was you and you WILL be on the receiving end of a severe beating!
FREEZER: It wasn't!

[Others rise menacingly]

FREEZER: It wasn't on purpose! I swear that song just popped into my head! I don't how and I don't know why!
VIKING: Educated guess - that doohickey Vince zapped you with did something to your brain.
MICKEY: Cool! Can you do requests?
KENNY: Play "Freebird!"
FREEZER: Alrighty?

[Nothing]

FREEZER: Hmm... Let me try this. [Still nothing...] Hmm... Looks like I can't do it on purpose.
S.JAMES: So basically, you're "Pop-Up Audio?"
FREEZER: Umm... Sure!

Bull and Goodfather then ran back down to the ring, but then Sailor Moon, who had put her top back on, and another woman dressed similar who had blonde hair and an orange skirt came into the ring.

FREEZER: <Rush's "Limelight">
KENNY: You know, as cool as that seems right now, that's probably going to get damned annoying after a while.
FREEZER: Yeah, well... I'm working on it!

They cleared the ring from all of the RTC except Steven Richards. They looked at him all angry, but then Steven got the mike again.

VIKING: [Steven] Hey! One at a time! Plenty of Big Stevie to go around!

"This isn’t fair! It’s five on one!" He said.

Sailor Moon grabbed the mike off of Steven.

"Well, who said anything about being fair?" She asked.

FREEZER: Well! Vince sure corrupted her in a hurry!
MICKEY: [Kiki] Nooo! Stay good, Sailor Moon!

Steven was about to run out of the ring,

KENNY: For his life or his dignity?
S.JAMES: Yes.

but he was grabbed by the other blonde woman. She picked him up for an inverted atomic drop,

VIKING: VENUS DIGNITY CRUSHER!

while the brown hair one then came off the top rope and gave him a diving Cross Body Block.

FREEZER: JUPITER MANHOOD TAKER!

The blue haired one then locked in a figure four-leg lock on him,

OV & FREEZER: MERCURY JUSTHANDOVERYOURTESTES LOCK!
MICKEY: [Muttering] Dark and Disturbing ride again...

while at the same time the purple haired woman did a Lion Sault. ]

VIKING: MARS INSULT-TO-INJURY PRESS!!!

To finish things off Sailor Moon did a Shooting Star Press off the top rope.

FREEZER: Now that's just wrong! Sailor Moon should at least be doing an Asai Moonsault!
KENNY: Freeze, you are just one big, scary, anime freak, you know that?
FREEZER: And proud of it, brotha!

She then got back on the microphone. At this time the rest of RTC were back up.

"Now, let me introduce you to my friends. These are Sailor Mars, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Venus and Sailor Jupiter.

S.JAMES: Together we are...
ALL: THE FIVE AMIGAS!!! [All do "The Three Amigos" salute]

And how about this, tomorrow night on Raw, Three of you Right To Censor goofs against three of us Sailor Scouts."

MICKEY: [Sailor Moon] Loser gives up all pretense of dignity!

Ivory got a microphone from ringside.

FREEZER: <Drool>
KENNY: Eww...

"We accept your challenge," she began "But tomorrow night, you five will no longer offend Morality, and it will be for you, and all these people’s own good."

S.JAMES: Don't trouble yourself on our account!
VIKING: Yeah! Hot chicks in short skirts getting bounced around. We go no beef with that!

Later that evening, Sailor Moon was on her way to her locker room, just thinking to herself

MICKEY: I thought I smelled wood burning!
KENNY: Ba dum bum!

when she ran into somebody. The person had been carrying a cup of orange juice, which he spilt on her.

FREEZER: And by "orange juice," we mean "screwdriver." And by "screwdriver" we mean "enough vodka to knock Dean Martin on his ass."

"Hey watch where-" She said, then looked at him.

FREEZER: <"Dreamweaver">
S.JAMES: Heh! Good one!

He had long, blond hair that was slightly dark and a beard. He was wearing a T-shirt with "JERICHOHOLIC" on the front. He looked a lot like a rock star.

MICKEY: In fact, he's a HUGE rock star!
KENNY: He's The King of the World!
VIKING: He's Our Paragon of Virtue!
S.JAMES: And our party host!
FREEZER: He's Y2J! He's Lionheart He's...
ALL: CHRIS JERICHO!!!

"Oh, I’m so sorry!" He said.

"No, No," Sailor Moon began, not sure what to say. "It was my fault."

FREEZER: [Serena] I was trying to walk and think at the same time! I'm still practicing!

He got a tissue out.

S.JAMES: [Jericho] It's kinda crusty, but it's what I got. Sorry!
VIKING: Ick...

"Here, you can clean yourself with that." He said.

VIKING: Yes, I'm sure that that one curiously stained tissue can handle that quart of OJ you spilled on her!
MICKEY: Ah, but it's a BRAWNY napkin!
VIKING: Oh, cool!

"Thank you." Sailor Moon said. She couldn’t stop staring at him, he was handsome.

KENNY: [Jericho] Heh! I get that a lot!

He then walked away.

MICKEY: That's right, Chris! Always leave 'em wanting more!

"See ya!" He called looking back, "Good match by the way!"

FREEZER: [Jericho] I've wanted to de-ball that pansy Richards since '94!

"Thank you!" Sailor Moon called.

S.JAMES: [Serena] You dreamalicious hunk-o-man, you!
FREEZER: <o/~ George Michael's "I Want Your Sex" o/~>
KENNY: Heh!

"Serena!" A voice called.

VIKING: [Serena] AAAH! MONSTER! DIE! <ZAP!

Sailor Moon looked down. It was Luna.

VIKING: [Serena] Crap! Fried another guardian!
S.JAMES: [Serena] My insurance rates are gonna skyrocket now!
FREEZER: We're gonna need a new Luna!

"I’ve been looking for you!" Luna said, a bit annoyed.

MICKEY: And we all know just how many places there are for a wrestler to disappear unnoticed in an arena...

"Like, sorry Luna." Sailor Moon said,

KENNY: [Serena] I was, like, thinking and stuff!

"Well, just hurry up and get changed! We’re meant to be back at the hotel by 10:30." Luna snapped.

FREEZER: Okay - who set Luna's personality to "Harpy Bitch?"

That night Serena thought about Darien, God she missed him.

FREEZER: <The Divinyls' "I Touch Myself">

She wasn’t even able to call him, as she spent most of her days either training or fighting.

KENNY: God knows wrestlers have absolutely no free time!

After that she had she would be so tired she’d fall asleep.

S.JAMES: [Serena] I'm so sleepy I can barely keep awake!

But as well as thinking of Darien, she also kept thinking about that guy she had met briefly that day.

FREEZER: <"Dreamweaver">

She just wondered if she’d ever see him again.

MICKEY: Seeing as how you work for the same company, the odds are good.
VIKING: Unless she gets fired tomorrow.
S.JAMES: The odds on that being even better.

Eventually she drifted off to sleep.

FREEZER: Thirty minutes later...
KENNY: *BEEP!* This is your morning wake up call!

"Welcome to Raw Is War everybody!

ALL: [Game Show Audience] HI, GENE!!!

I’m Jim Ross with Jerry "The King" Lawler." JR said, as the broadcast began, "Tonight we have six person tag team action, as three members of Right to Censor, will take on Three members of the newest group here in the WWF, the Sailor Scouts!"

MICKEY: AKA: PMS 2K3.
FREEZER: o/~ M-O-U-S-E o/~
KENNY: You sank my battleship!

"Oh boy, those Sailor Scouts are the kinda girl that you dream about." King said.

VIKING: You and R. Kelly, anyway...

"And I bet you dream about them every night." JR said.

S.JAMES: [JR, muttering] You piece of cradle-robbing...
KENNY: [Lawler] What's that, JR?
S.JAMES: Umm... Uhh... STONE COLD!!! STONE COLD!!! STONE COLD!!!

"You bet" King replied.

FREEZER: [Lawler] So I'm a dirty old man! Sue me!

At that moment in time, the Right to Censor came out to huge boos. Steven had a microphone again.

MICKEY: Okay, let's get this out of the way: Is Steven wearing a "Flock of Seagulls" half-T-shirt?
OTHERS: No.
MICKEY: Is he Raven's chief flunky?
OTHERS: No.
MICKEY: Is he calling himself "Big Stevie Cool?"
OTHERS: No.
MICKEY: Is he calling himself "The Original King of Swing, Esquire?"
OTHERS: No.
MICKEY: Then I just don't give a damn!

"Oh God, don’t tell me he’s gonna speak!" JR exclaimed.

VIKING: [JR] He's gonna try to filibuster! I just know it!

"He’s like a stuck record." King added.

"The Right To Censor always has, and always will,

ALL except FREEZER: SUCK!
FREEZER: Hey!

protect innocent people from all forms of vulgarity."

S.JAMES: [Steven] And towards that end, tonight we kill ourselves!
ALL: YAY!

Steven said as he and RTC walked down to the ring.

"Don’t you think we can take care of ourselves?" JR asked.

KENNY: No. Just ask any civil lawyer.

"JR," King began, "you’re wasting your breath trying to reason with him."

MICKEY: Not to mention that no one gives a rat's ass what JR thinks.

"So tonight Sailor Scouts, your indecent dressing, and your moral offending ways will be NO MORE!"

VIKING: [Steven] Except for those fake nudes of you on the Internet!

He said to the applause of Goodfather and Bull Buchanan. Steven then pointed to the crowd and said, menacingly, "And it will be for your own good!"

FREEZER: If you're what's good, bring the evil!

Steven and Val Venis then left the ring, leaving Bull, Goodfather and Ivory

FREEZER: WOO HOO!
MICKEY: Oh, stop!

in.

"So I guess it will be Bull, Goodfather and Ivory against three of the sailor scouts." JR said.

"I don’t care which three, they’re all my kinda girl!"

KENNY: Jailbait!

King said, in full pervert mode.

The Sailor Scouts came out to a good reaction.

FREEZER: <"Moonlight Densetsu">
S.JAMES: [Shakes head] Scarier and scarier...

Sailor Moon had a microphone.

VIKING: And she wasn't afraid to use it!

"Steven," She began, "if anybody around here deserves to be censored, it’s your stupid group!"

[All applaud, with assorted "Here, heres" and "You go, girls"]

"Amen." JR added.

"So tonight, we’ll shut you up and THAT will be for YOUR own good!"

S.JAMES: All this "for your own good" crap make me think this is some sort of "Castor Oil on a Pole" match...

Then her, Sailor Jupiter and Sailor Venus made their way to the ring.

VIKING: Hmm... Would that make Mercury and Mars the tag specialist of this stable?
FREEZER: Good choices.

Sailor Venus got into the ring first, when Bull ran at her full tilt and did a clothesline.

KENNY: Hey! This is no time for laundry!
OTHERS: <GROAN!!!>

"Sailor Venus and Bull Buchanan starting off, " JR began "and that clothesline almost took Venus’s head off."

MICKEY: [JR] Oh - wait! It did!
S.JAMES: [Venus] 'Tis but a scratch!

Bull then went for an elbow drop, but Sailor Venus rolled out of the way.

"Nobody there on that exchange." JR observed.

KENNY: [JR] Hold on! I meant, "MAH GAWD! SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH!!!"

Sailor Venus then ran off the ropes and gave Bull a spinning heel kick. Afterwards she went over and tagged in Sailor Jupiter. Also Bull tagged in Goodfather.

"Tag made on both sides." JR said. "So now Sailor Jupiter will get psychical with Goodfather."

S.JAMES: o/~ Let's get psychical! Psychical! o/~
FREEZER: "Psychical?" Is that anything like ESP?
VIKING: I think it's more like ESPN...

"I wish she’d get psychical with ME!" King said, predictably.

MICKEY: You'd like that, wouldn't you? Ya' pedophilic freak!
FREEZER: Actually Lawler would be an ephebophile, not a pedophile. Pedophiles like them pre-pubescent. Lawler likes them a bit south of the AOC.
S.JAMES: [Quickly] Supposedly!
FREEZER: Right, right! That's the rumor!
KENNY: Thank you, Cliffy!

Goodfather ran at Sailor Jupiter, but she cut him off with a powerslam. She then began to punch him repeatedly and then low blowed him.

"Ouch! That’s not very lady like!" JR said.

"Do it again!" King exclaimed.

FREEZER: [Squeaky voice] AGAIN!

Just then Steven Richards climbed onto the apron and began to distract the referee. This allowed Ivory to grab Jupiter from behind, and Bull and Goodfather begin to double-team her.

S.JAMES: Kinky!
MICKEY: Eww...

"And now look at this!" JR said disgusted "Yeah, three on one’s really fair!"

MICKEY: Fun, but not fair!
VIKING: JR? They're heels! Cheating's what they do!

Just then inside The Goodfather got a Death Valley Driver onto Sailor Jupiter.

"And now a Death Valley Driver by The Goodfather! This isn’t right!" JR called.

S.JAMES: [Kevin Meaney] Dropping young girls on their heads like that! That's just not right!

Just then Sailor Mars pulled Steven off of the apron. She and Sailor Mercury began to beat him up, which still kept the referee distracted.

VIKING: You know, super powers or not, at this point Steven deserves to have "Utter Pussy" tattooed on his forehead.

Goodfather had Sailor Jupiter pinned and was looking confused.

ALL: DUH?!?

"1..2..3! But the ref.’s still distracted!" JR said.

"Thankfully! You go girls!" King said.

The referee then turned around, but Sailor Jupiter kicked out.

"That was close!" JR said.

VIKING: "One" is not close, JR!

"JR, that was almost a cheaty victory by RTC!" King said.

FREEZER: "Cheaty?" Is that even a word?
MICKEY: It is now.
S.JAMES: It was before. Just ask any third grader.

Goodfather went for a whip off the ropes, but Sailor Jupiter reversed and did a flying shoulder tackle, knocking them both down.

VIKING: At which point, Jupiter decided "Screw it all!" and Oak Evolutioned them all into bacon bits.

"Both participants are down." JR called. Just then Sailor Jupiter began to crawl over to her corner, and then she tagged in Sailor Moon. Sailor Moon stayed on the apron, and when Goodfather got up she hit him with a springboard drop kick.

S.JAMES: At this point, I must once again call "Shenanigans!"
MICKEY: Why? Outside of some curious word choices, this is actually pretty good.
S.JAMES: That's my point! It's *TOO* good! Think about it: How many WWF/E trained women can pull of this kind of moveset without breaking something or someone?
MICKEY: Hmm... Point. Gentlemen? Do you agree with this finding of Shenanigans?
ALL: Aye!
MICKEY: The finding is upheld! Break out the brooms!

"What a drop kick onto Goodfather!" JR said.

Sailor Moon then covered Goodfather, but then Ivory ran into the ring and broke up the count.

"That would have been three if it weren’t for Ivory." JR called.

KENNY: I'll take "Well DUH!" for $800, Alex!

Sailor Moon then grabbed Ivory and threw her out of the ring.

ALL: WHEEEEE!!!

"Threw Ivory out of the ring like yesterday’s garbage." King said.

FREEZER: BOOOO!!!

Just then Goodfather got a Small Package onto Sailor Moon for a near fall.

MICKEY: "Unfortunate Choices of Wording" for $1000, Alex!

"Wait! Roll up and it’s no it’s not!" JR said.

VIKING: [JR] It's Fruit By The Foot! Wait! It's Airheads! NO! WAIT! It's Laffy Taffy!

Goodfather began to argue with the referee.

"Goodfather wasting time." JR said.

S.JAMES: "JR stating the ridiculously obvious" said SJ.
FREEZER: "Freezer suppressing the urge to pummel JR" said... Umm... Freezer.

Just then Sailor Moon hit Goodfather with a reverse DDT.

MICKEY: A "reverse DDT?" You mean "A bulldog?"
KENNY: Let's not jump to conclusions.
VIKING: Maybe he actually meant an "inverted" DDT? Like the Scorpion Death Drop?
FREEZER: "Sailor Senshi Death Drop," huh? Cool!

When he was still down she went to the top rope, but then Ivory pulled the ropes down, catching Sailor Moon on the ropes.

"And Ivory with a cheap shot!" JR said.

"Damn it!" King said.

Sailor Moon then fell. Goodfather then draped one hand on Sailor Moon,

FREEZER: And copped the feel of a lifetime...

but Sailor Venus broke up the count. Goodfather then tagged in Ivory. Sailor Moon tagged in Sailor Jupiter, but when it happened the referee wasn’t looking.

KENNY: I've always wondered how wrestling refs manage to hang on to their jobs, considering the gross incompetence most of them show on a regular basis.
VIKING: They probably belong to the same union as Stormtroopers and Black Ninjas.

"Tag made to Sailor Jupiter, but the referee didn’t see it!" JR cried in disbelief.

"Come on ref.!" King said.

S.JAMES: [JR] AHEM! King?
MICKEY: [Lawler] Oh! Right! I mean... AAAH!! PUPPIES!! WOO HOO!!!

Ivory turned to the crowd and did that RTC salute.

VIKING: [Ivory] White Power!
FREEZER: Hey, hey! None of that for Ivory!

But, as this happened Sailor Moon rolled her up with a schoolboy for the win

FREEZER: The schoolboy in question was less than thrilled about that...

"Wait! Schoolboy! 1..2..3!" JR called.

KENNY: Hey, the audio track is off!

"Ivory wasted too much time!" King said. "I'd give the scouts a celebration hug if they want!" He then said

VIKING: [Lawler] Woo hoo! Time to cop a feel!

"You would." JR said.

The Scouts had little time for celebration, as RTC attacked them from behind. When Sailor Mars and Mercury tried to help, they were also left lying.

S.JAMES: Then they remembered those silly super powers of theirs, and the bloodbath was on!

"And this isn’t fair! Somebody stop this!" JR called.

MICKEY: [JR] MAH GAWD! SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH!!!
FREEZER: JR called out to Green. But no one answered.
OTHERS: HUH?!?
FREEZER: Video game ref. I'll explain later.

After it was finished the RTC did that weird salute

FREEZER & VIKING: [RTC] YO JOE!!!
MICKEY: [Steven] People, for the last time: WE DON'T HAVE A BATTLE CRY!!!
VIKING: [Ivory] Oh, right! We're doing the wrong one, again! Once more!
FREEZER & VIKING: [RTC] COOOOBRAAAA!!!
MICKEY: [Steven] Arrgh!

and went away, to a huge wave of boos. Steven turned around again and had that sick smile he does.

MICKEY: Tis the smile of the satisfied heel, my friend.

"And look at Steven Richards, with that sadistic smile on his
face!" JR said, disgusted.

"Can anybody stop RTC?" King asked.

KENNY: You can't stop the RTC, you can only hope to ignore them.
S.JAMES: Interestingly enough, we did, and it worked!

Later that evening the scouts were watching the rest of the show backstage. It was in the middle of an interview with Triple H.

VIKING: "Middle" meaning what? Half-an-hour in?
S.JAMES: So is that the interview where he goes on about how great he is, or is that the interview where he goes on about how invincible he is?

He was going on about how he’d beat Austin at No Way Out, how he’d go onto once again become WWF

ALL: [Quickly] "E!"

Champion.

"Something on your mind Serena?" Sailor Mars asked.

FREEZER: [Serena] What? Oh, sorry! I was listening to this guy drone on, and my brain shut down.

"Oh, nothing important." She said.

VIKING: [Serena] Just wondering whether or not all those demons we left running around in Japan will be any sort of problem...
MICKEY: Meanwhile, back in Tokyo...

[SJ, Freezer, and OV start making panicked crowd noises]

KENNY: I'm reporting to you live from Tokyo! The bodies are everywhere! The demons are all over! The military's being overrun! The blood! Oh my God, THE BLOOD! WHERE ARE THE SAILOR SCOUTS! DEAR GOD, *WHERE ARE THE SAILOR SCOUTS?!?*

She was wondering if that guy would appear.

VIKING: Or she was daydreaming about her schoolgirl crush...

Suddenly, on the Titantron the Y2J countdown began. Then the man Serena saw the previous night appeared, to heavy metal music. She smiled when she saw him.

FREEZER: <o/~ OOOH, Dreeeeeeeeeamweaver! o/~>
KENNY: Stop that!
FREEZER: I'm trying!

"Who is that?" she asked, to no one in particular.

MICKEY: "Someone who deserves so much better," answered no one in particular.

"Oh, that’s Chris Jericho, the Intercontinental Champion." Sailor Mercury said.

S.JAMES: [Mercury] Terrific wrestler. All-around hottie. Yadda yadda...

Serena thought that name was nice.

VIKING: [Serena] "Serena Jericho" sounds even better! <Giggle!>
S.JAMES: That was frighteningly girly, OV.
VIKING: I did it right, then!

She was trying to keep a grip on herself. After all, she knew it was fait and destiny that brought her and Darien together and all that.

FREEZER: "Fait?"
MICKEY: Fate's slacker look-alike cousin. Brings two people within the same general area, then wanders off.

But she had a crush on Chris, even though she hardly knew him.

S.JAMES: Axe and Smash weren't too happy about that!
KENNY: Hi ho, obscurity! AWAY!

For the next few minutes Jericho embarrassed Triple H by insulting him, telling him to shut the hell up and calling his wife several nasty things, such as "A dirty, vile, disgusting, two dollar, trash bag ho.".

MICKEY: Ah, the sweet, sweet memories!

All of the Scouts burst out laughing, Serena the most.

VIKING: [Serena] Tee hee! It's funny, 'cause it's true!

After the segment was over, Serena decided to get changed and leave, but she bumped into Jericho on the way.

"Oh sorry, uh Chris." She said.

FREEZER: [Serena] Um... Nice sex that we're hav... WEATHER!!! Nice WEATHER that we're having sex in... D'OH!

" Sailor Moon." Chris said. "Gee, we really need to stop meeting like this." He added jokingly. He then looked into her eyes.

ALL: SLEEEP!

They were beautiful. He couldn't stop looking at her face, he thought it was so pretty.

MICKEY: Freeze, OV - I know what you're thinking and you WILL NOT use that bukakke joke!
VIKING: We don't have to - you just did.
MICKEY: I... I hate you guys!

She then smiled, and that intensified her beauty.

S.JAMES: She an elf! She's using Glamour on him!

"Uh, say what’s your real name?" he asked her.

"It’s Serena why?" she asked, slightly confused.

FREEZER: Because the last time she said her real name, it came out "Usagi."

"Well Serena," he began "if you’re not doing anything tomorrow night, I’d be happy to buy you dinner." He said. He felt slightly embarrassed.

KENNY: [Jericho] Biggest sex symbol in this company, and I'm reduced to hitting on Japanese jailbait...

Serena was surprised. Was he asking her out?

S.JAMES: Why yes he is, you little bag of hammers!

"Uh," she said, unsure. She still wanted to be with Darien, but she also liked Chris. Maybe she could tell him she would just like to be friends.

MICKEY: Pre or post-coitus?
FREEZER: <Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On">

After a pause of a few seconds she said, "Okay."

FREEZER: [Serena] Destiny, shmestiny! It's time for a booty call!

"Great!" Jericho replied. "Pick you up at seven thirty?" he then asked.

"Okay. Seven thirty tomorrow" She said.

As she walked further down the corridor, she found Luna

VIKING: [Serena] Cool! The spare Luna arrived!

"Why? What’s happening tomorrow at seven thirty?" Luna asked.

" Nothing to worry about Luna. Just dinner with a friend." Serena said.

"Hmm," Luna thought. "I’d better keep watch of this, in case anything happens."

KENNY: [Luna] Time to reset my Virgin Alarm.

What will happen between Serena and Jericho?

S.JAMES: Sex!
OTHERS: Good answer! Good answer!

Will the Sailor Scouts settle their issue with RTC?

MICKEY: And will anyone else care!

This and more in part 2 of my WWF/Sailor Moon cross over.

To Be Continued

WWF/SAILOR MOON CROSS OVER

CHAPTER 2

MICKEY: The Next Day.

Little did Jericho or Serena realise when they were talking they were being watched. Steven Richards was listening in at a corner. A smile appeared on his face.

S.JAMES: [Richards] Heh! This is *SO* going in the "Blackmail" file...

"We can take her by surprise tomorrow night." He thought. "Then she will learn to respect morality.

MICKEY: Hey! We all know how to respect morality. Some of us just choose not to!

And we can also take care of Chris Jericho, and his obscene language use. And it will be for their own good."

FREEZER: Playing the part of Steven Richards - every evil priest, bishop, and reverend ever!

At around seven thirty the next night Serena was ready for her date.

KENNY: [Serena] Let's see... Trojans... Astroglide... Whips... Fur-lined handcuffs...

She had been renting an apartment, where she could then get a train or get a taxi to the airport so she could make it to the shows.

S.JAMES: But we all know that it was just a place to store her souvenirs.
FREEZER: [Luna] Really, Serena! Fourteen Elvis Hound Dog plushies?

"Now Serena, I hope you’re telling me the truth between you and this man." Luna said.

VIKING: [Luna] I mean, "Roll in the hay" doesn't sound very much like a barn dance to me!

"Luna, I mean it, I’m only friends with the guy." She said. " I still love and think about Darien, even though we're apart most of the time.

MICKEY: Someone's going to break into "Somewhere Out There" any second now, I just know it!

Now stop acting like you’re my mother."

FREEZER: [Luna] If I were your mom, I would've taken you over my knee by now...

Just then there was a knock on the door.

ALL: Candygram...

"Coming" Serena called. She then went to the door, followed by Luna and answered it. Chris was there, he had a rose.

"Hi Serena." He said. He then gave her the rose.

FREEZER: <O/~ Seal's "Kiss From A Rose" o~>
KENNY: [Serena] A wet wose. How womantic.

"Oh, a rose!" Serena exclaimed. She wasn’t expecting anything like that. "Oh Chris, you shouldn’t have!" She said. She then

VIKING: ...Burst into tears and went on a thirty-minute ramble about how she was betraying the man she loved.
FREEZER: [Jericho] Umm... Does this mean I should cancel the motel reservations?

brought it inside and put it in a vase of water.

"That’s okay." He replied.

"Come in." She said. Chris stepped in.

"You’re looking great." He said.

"Thanks." She replied.

"Yeah, just friends." Luna thought sarcastically.

KENNY: Fuckbuddies, at any rate...

Chris then noticed Luna. He bent down and looked at her.

S.JAMES: [Luna] Umm... "Meow?"

"Oh, hi there!" He said as he stroked it. Luna looked far from happy.

FREEZER: [Luna] You die, Joe...

" What’s its name?" Chris asked.

MICKEY: [Luna] I am NOT an it! Not since the surgery, anyway...

"She’s called Luna." Serena said.

KENNY: "Miss Luna" if you're nasty.

Chris then got back up and he and Serena left. "See ya Luna!" Serena called.

"Yeah, later Luna!" Chris then added.

Luna followed them, keeping her distance. "I just want to be sure." Luna said to herself. "It’s bad enough her getting distracted by this whole wrestling thing, but it would be worse if she actually fell in love with a wrestler!"

<<<CLANG!!!>>>

VIKING: I see the Sledgehammer of Plot followed us up here...
S.JAMES: A tip, Luke m'boy: If you have one of your characters point out the flaws in your story like that, it tends to shoot a big fat hole in our suspension of disbelief...

Serena and Chris went out of the block of apartments. Chris’s car was waiting, It was a red convertible.

"Wow! Nice car!" Serena said.

MICKEY: [Serena] If you're a circus clown...

"Thank you." Chris replied. They both got into the front, but as Chris opened his door, Luna quickly jumped in and hid in the back.

KENNY: Playing the part of Luna - Chim Chim.

"So, where do you wanna go?" Chris asked.

FREEZER: <Lenny Kravitz's "Fly Away.">
VIKING: Huh?
FREEZER: Well, you know! Those MSN commercials...

"Well, I know this nice pizza place called "Mario’s Pizzas." Serena said.

S.JAMES: [Serena] They make the BEST octopus/beef tripe pizza EVER!

"Okay, "Mario’s pizzas" it is!" Jericho replied. The car then drove off.

VIKING: [Darkly] Never to be seen again.

Meanwhile, hiding in an alley was a white van.

FREEZER: Looks like The Punisher decided to get a paint job...

Its headlights were dimmed, menacingly.

MICKEY: Christine II: The Mini-Vans Strike Back!

Steven Richards was standing near it,

KENNY: I don't care how scary that van was, Stevie couldn't pull off "menacing" with a running chainsaw and a blood-soaked "What Would Charles Manson Do?" t-shirt!

with a pair of binoculars. He lowered them and got into the van.

He climbed into the front compartment, where Bull was at the wheel. Val, Goodfather and Ivory were seated in the back.

S.JAMES: WWE Entertainment presents - The A-Team 2K3!

"You heard them," he said to Bull,

MICKEY: [Bull] Ooookay!
VIKING: [Goodfather] Actually, we didn't hear them, because SOMEONE changed the frequency on the receiver.
KENNY: [Val] But it was "The 80's at 8!"

"And be sure to keep your distance."

"Yes sir." Bull said. The van then drove out of the alley and followed.

Soon Serena and Chris were eating a delicious pizza meal.

S.JAMES: [Serena] Mmm! Smegma with extra phlegm!

"So, you’re also in a rock band?" Serena asked.

"Yeah, we’re called Fozzy Osbourne." He said, taking a huge bite out of a slice. "I’m the lead singer." He added.

"Interesting." She said.

VIKING: In a horribly boring sort of way...

They then chatted about nothing in particular. Chris enjoyed being with Serena. She laughed at his jokes, she was interesting to talk to, and she was also pretty. He had fallen in love with her.

FREEZER: Having been dive-bombed with the Anvil of Contrived Romance...

Luna was in an alley. She had gotten into the restaurant briefly, but the owner chucked her out.

KENNY: Thank God that they hadn't gone Chinese, tonight!
OTHERS: D'OH!
MICKEY: Oh, man! Five minute major for Cheap Shotting!
KENNY: And worth every second!

One sympathetic chef had given her a slice of pizza to eat, but that hardly made her feel better.

FREEZER: [Luna] You'd think they could've tossed in an anchovy or two...

"Lord knows what’s going on in there." She thought.

MICKEY: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say "a pleasant dinner date?"

She then saw a white van pull up near the alley and several people got out. She recognised them, but she wasn’t sure where from.

S.JAMES: [Luna] Wait... Oh, crap! It's those damn T.R.U.T.H. dorks! And we don't even smoke!

Steven and the other RTC members walked into the restaurant.

VIKING: Strung out from the road...
KENNY: They can feel the eyes upon them as they're shaking off the cold...
S.JAMES: They pretend it doesn't bother them, but they just want to explode.

They walked up to Serena and Chris.

"Well, well" Steven began, "What have we here?"

FREEZER: It's... A... DINNER DATE!!! Don't you people pay attention?!?

"A couple of filthy sinners if you ask me." Val Venis said.

"Look, you geeks had better get out of here!" Serena said.

"Now, I’m not here to hurt you,

MICKEY: [Richards] So please don't hurt me!

I want to try and reason with you." Steven said. He took a seat and sat beside them, with the rest of RTC still standing over him.

KENNY: Fox presents: When Chaperones Attack!

"Now," he began facing Jericho "we have a problem with you and your friend here Christopher.

S.JAMES: [Richards] You're both just to damn blonde!

I’m sure we can just talk-"

"Steven, will you please shut the hell up?" Jericho said. He didn’t say it in his normal, funny way. He sounded angry.

MICKEY: [Jericho] I swear if I don't see a camera crew behind you, you're so DEAD!

Steven didn’t say anything. He just turned to Bull and nodded. Bull toppled their table over.

VIKING: [Serena] Dammit, that was the last piece of squid/tofu pizza in the place!

Just then the manager of the restaurant came over. "Hey, what’s going on here?" He demanded.

KENNY: Impending bar fight. You might want to queue up some fight music on the jukebox...

"Actions for you and everybody’s own good." Goodfather said.

FREEZER: [Manager] That's nice of you. NOW GET OUT!!!

"Hey, don’t make me phone the cops!" The manager warned. "Just leave these people alone."

Goodfather then punched the manager in the face, knocking him out cold.

MICKEY: Guess that's a "no" then...

Serena and Chris then stood up, and were face to face with Right to Censor.

S.JAMES: [Serena] Oh, it's on like a pot of neckbones, now!

"Now, we can do this two ways." Ivory began, "Either we discuss this like civilised human beings or we can hurt you to get our message across."

VIKING: [Serena] Actually, I've got a third option...
FREEZER: Thirty minutes later...
KENNY: [Customer] I dunno, officer! That blond chick pulled out some weird stick out of nowhere, there was this giant pink explosion, and next thing I know I'm talking to you!

"I’ve got an idea." Serena began "How about your group goes and fucks itself?"

FREEZER: I agree with the sentiment, if not the grammar.

RTC looked shocked. Bull and Goodfather stepped forward and were about to hurt Serena,

MICKEY: [Bull] Oooh! We're gonna give you such a pinch!

but then Chris stepped in front of her.

" If you want to get to her, you’re gonna have to get through me first." Chris said.

KENNY: And since this was real life and not Smackdown, they proceed to beat the shiznizzle out of him.

Bull and Goodfather turned to each other and shrugged. They then went to grab Jericho, but he ducked. He then ran and gave them a double bulldog.

FREEZER: <The Fight Theme from _Star Trek_>
S.JAMES: And suddenly this date turns into a scene from "They Live."
MICKEY: [Jericho] I came here to eat pizza and kick ass. And I'm all out of pizza!

Val punched him on the back of the head.

FREEZER: There's something vaguely Ratliffian about this fight...

Val then pummelled at him until Serena low blowed him.

VIKING: I dunno... In this context, "low-blowed" sounds both fake and dirty. What's wrong about "Hit him in the groin?"
KENNY: "Punched him in the crotch?"
MICKEY: "Nailed him in the fusebox?"
S.JAMES:"Cracked him in the family jewels?"
FREEZER: "Gave him the ol' 'Bobbitt" punch?"

She then DDT’d him to take care of him. Ivory and Steven then ran away.

ALL: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

Serena went and checked on Chris. "Are you okay?" She asked.

FREEZER: [Jericho] mOmmY? IZzaT yOu?

"Yeah." He said. She then helped him up. They then decided to leave.

KENNY: And then Val, Goodfather, and Bull were picked up for assault and whatnot, right? RIGHT?!?

Luna was already at Serena’s apartment’s door.

MICKEY: Apparently having teleported home...

She decided just to wait, as she’d not be able to get inside the restaurant. "They’re really taking their time." She thought. "I hope to God that Serena has been behaving herself."

VIKING: Unfortunately for her, Serena had never been in neither the condition nor the position to take advantage of the adrenaline rush... Until now!
S.JAMES: [Luna] Good grief! Why's his car rocking back and forth like that?

Soon after this, the lift doors opened and Serena and Chris had walked up to the apartment door.

FREEZER & VIKING: [Serena & Jericho, Drunk] o/~ Fighting evil by moonlight... o/~ HIC!!

"Thanks very much Chris," Serena said. "I had a great time, with the exception of the whole RTC thing."

KENNY: [Serena] Although kicking their asses was pretty cool on it's own...

"Same here." He said. "They’re a bunch of jerks. And thanks for helping me out."

"No, you were brave for standing up for me." She said.

MICKEY: [Serena] The way you kept beating up their fists with your head...

Chris then said nothing. He just took Serena and gave her a kiss on the lips. He then went away.

S.JAMES: That boy is SMOOTH!

"Good night Serena!" He called as he went to the lift, "See ya around!" he added.

FREEZER: You mean "Tomorrow at the arena?"
VIKING: Let's not jump to conclusions.

"Uh, bye!" Serena replied, partly shocked. She had completely forgotten to tell him that she just wanted to be friends, and now he kissed her. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do next time she saw him.

KENNY: I suppose pulling him aside later and laying down the facts is just out of the question?

Luna was also surprised. "Serena, what was that about?" She asked.

MICKEY: [Serena] I don't know, but that boy could use some Chap Stick! Woof!

"I’m as surprised as you Luna!" Serena said, as she unlocked the door. "I mean, I wasn’t expecting him to kiss me!"

VIKING: [Serena] I was told oral sex was the new "Goodnight Kiss..."

"Oh," It’s too late now, we’ll talk about it in the morning." Luna said, going into the room.

FREEZER: [Serena] Yes, MOM!

"Welcome to Smackdown everybody!" Michael Cole said to the viewers.

MICKEY: How the hell did Michael Cole get into Sailor Moon's bedroom?

"Michael Cole here with Jerry "The King" Lawler, and King, I here that tonight Val Venis of Right to Censor will fight Sailor Mercury of the Sailor Scouts."

S.JAMES: Remember kids - Proofreading is your friend!

"An inter-gender match eh?" King remarked, "I remember that Andy Kaufman was the inter-gender champion."

"Yeah, we all know about the rivalry you had with him." Michael said.

MICKEY: [Cole] And if you try to go into that story again, I swear I will murder you on national TV!
KENNY: And then two episodes of _Confidential_ will be dedicated to how his death was really WCW's fault.

A few minutes later RTC’s music began as Val came out accompanied by Ivory.

"King" Michael began, "Right to Censor have always been a major pain in the ass, and I don’t think it’s fair that these new comers the Sailor Scouts have been getting treated like dirt by them."

VIKING: You know, I always found it interesting about the RTC, that they never went after any of the big names in the company. You'd think they be all over The Rock for wanting to shine things up and shove them up people's asses, or for Stone Cold for all the beer drinking and bird-flipping, or Triple H for saying he's "That Damn Good" all the time...

S.JAMES: And the people they did go after made them look like hypocrites, bullies, and cowards.

FREEZER: It's like the entire RTC angle was just nothing more than an excuse for Vince to take one big potshot at his moral critics...

[Pause]

ALL: NAAH!!!

" I definitely agree with you there Michael." King replied.

Val then climbed into the ring. He did the RTC salute.

KENNY: [Val] BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!
VIKING: [Steven] aaarrgh...
S.JAMES: The crowd responded with a Stone Cold salute.
FREEZER: And that's the bottom line!

Just then the ring announcer began "The following inter-gender contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing in the ring, being accompanied by the World Wrestling Federation Women’s champion Ivory, Right to Censor representative Val Venis!"

ALL: ALL HAIL CHEESE BOY!!!

Soon Sailor Mercury came out, with Sailor Jupiter accompanying her.

FREEZER: And every Sailor Moon lesbian fic writer on the net nods in approval...

"And his opponent, being-" The ring announcer said, before Mercury rushed to the ring.

She instantly did a spear take down and began to hammer at Val Venis.

KENNY: Playing the part of Sailor Mercury - Rhyno!
VIKING: Eww... Rhyno in a Sailor suit...

"Sailor Mercury not wasting time in this match up against Val Venis" Michael said.

She then climbed to the top rope, but Val got back up and threw her to the canvas.

S.JAMES: [Rocky] But that trick never works!

"Mercury to the top rope- and Val Venis tossing her to the canvas." Michael called.

MICKEY: Oh for... Look, Luke! Either have the narrator call the action here, or let your characters do it! Having both of them do it is annoying AND redundant!
FREEZER: Feel better?
MICKEY: A bit...

Ivory began to scream at Mercury "You will see the light!" and things similar.

KENNY: You will observe the glow!
S.JAMES: You WILL spy the luminescence!
VIKING: YOU WILL spot the shiny!

"Look at Ivory, she reminds me of my third grade teacher." King commented.

FREEZER: Heh! Me too...
VIKING: And if you'll look to your right, ladies and gentlemen, You’ll find TMI!

Meanwhile in ring Val picked Mercury up and executed a back suplex for a two count.

ALL: TWOOOO!!!

"Back suplex and a kick out by Mercury." Michael said.

Val then ran and tried an elbow drop, but Mercury rolled out of the way.

"No body there on that exchange." Michael called.

MICKEY: Okay, that's a bit better!

Sailor Mercury then got up and ran off the ropes, she caught Val with a spinning heel kick.

"Spinning heel kick by Mercury!" Michael exclaimed.

MICKEY: And right back to the redundancy!

Mercury then dropped a knee onto the right leg of Val Venis.

"Sailor Mercury going to work on the knee of Val Venis." Michael Cole observed.

KENNY: And somewhere, Arn Anderson smiles...

Val got back up and kicked Sailor Mercury in the stomach.

"Kick to the gut by Val." Michael observed.

MICKEY: Oy...

"I’m a bit suspicious Michael." King said. "Have you noticed that Steven or the rest of RTC haven’t appeared yet?"

"True, that is a bit conspicuous." Michael replied.

VIKING: And there's Lawler's non-stupid observation for the night.

As this happened Val got fishermen’s suplex onto Mercury and almost won the match.

"Cover and another two count." Michael said.

Next, Val tried a powerbomb, but Mercury reversed it into a Hurricanrana for a two.

FREEZER: When will they learn? You can't powerbomb Sailor Mercury!

"Now Mercury with a near fall!" l said.

"Check out Mars." King said in pervert mode. "Mars may be a red planet, but she makes me feel hot!" King said.

ALL: Shut up, Lawler!

Next Mercury went to the top rope and got a missile drop kick.

"Missile drop kick!" Michael exclaimed. "This could be it!"

S.JAMES: But it probably won't be!

Mercury went for a cover, but Ivory distracted the referee, she then threw in the Women’s Title.

"And look at Ivory distracting the referee. And she just threw the Women’s title into the ring!"

Sailor Mars then grabbed Ivory and began to go to work on her,

FREEZER: Toss in your own punch lines there, folks!

which still distracted the referee.

VIKING: I would hope so!

"Sailor Mars taking it to Ivory! Good!" King said.

Meanwhile in the ring, Val hit a DDT onto the Women’s Title.

"And look at Val Venis! DDT onto the belt!" Michael said.

KENNY: Belt shot. She's dead!

The referee then turned around and saw Val cover Mercury for the win.

S.JAMES: And there was much rejoicing.
ALL: [Deadpan] Yay.

"1..2..3! And Right to Censor steals one!" Michael said.

"Here is your winner, Val Venis!" The ring announcer called.

MICKEY: So what's the Triple Redundancy Score on that last bit?

Sailor Mars looked up at the ring in disbelief as Val Venis left and Ivory. Sailor Mars then got a microphone.

FREEZER: [Mars] Yo yo yo! Let me speak on this!

"Hey Ivory!" She said, "It seems to me you liked to get involved in matches against us." She began, "So, if you have any guts, which I sincerely doubt, how about you defend your women’s title against me at No Way Out?"

S.JAMES: [Ivory] Let me think about that. No!

"Sailor Mars challenging Ivory." Michael said.

KENNY: Thanks, Mike. Never would've figured that out on our own.

Just then RTC’s music began again, but this time it was Steven who came out, microphone in hand.

"What’s this white sock wearing nerd want?" King asked.

"We would be most happy to accept your challenge," Steven began "But also, at No Way Out, it may be your group of indecent women’s first Pay-Per-View, and it also may be your last!"

"What’s he talking about?" Michael asked.

"I dunno." King replied.

VIKING: He's talking about doing something evil and nasty to the Sailor Scouts before No Way Out, man! Didn't you pay any attention to "Wacky Races?" That's what the bad guys do!

Steven then pointed to Mars. "And it will be for you and the rest of the scouts own good." He then left.

"Well King, we heard it here first, Sailor Mars Vs Ivory for the women’s title at No Way Out." Michael said.

FREEZER: Because NO ONE demanded it!
MICKEY: Chick rasslin'! Smell that buyrate!

Will Sailor Mars prevail? How will Serena and Chris’s "friendship" develop? Find out in chapter 3.

S.JAMES: Same crap time. Same crap channel. Let's boogie!

{All Leave}

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