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| Torn | Corrupt Cops | Working With a Child Molester | Satisfied In Silk | Burned one too Many Times |
Ohhhhh... what a predicament. I've been friends with this guy for almost 6 years now, good friends. There's never been any physical involvement or anything, he's more like a big brother to me... we've lived together as roommates more than once and have never even exchanged harsh words. He and his brother currently live in my house which is in a complex with over a hundred units and TONS of kids.
Well... I got shocking news from some mutual friends or ours the other day - while staying at their house (which is kind of in the middle of nowhere), he decided to put his hands all over their 9 year old daughter, on several occasions, which explains why she would fight & scream at the fact that he was going to stay for another weekend, and why he would always offer to go inside to get refills, etc.
I really don't know what to do. They aren't going to call the police because their daughter doesn't want to go through the court process, etc, and they have asked me not to blow the whistle on the situation, which I respect. It is their daughter, and their choice how to handle the situation... but this leaves me in a VERY awkward situation. I want him out of my house (he rents a room), and out of the complex, but don't know how to go about it without opening a huge can of worms. The mutual friends are known for blabbing a bit of false gossip around from time to time, but I can't just brush this off as another one of their attempts to stir the pot for a bit of excitement in their lives.
His brother is so against sexual abuse against children, his blood pressure rises just at the mere mention of it happening to anyone around us. He's told several people around our place on more than one occasion to get out of our yard because he thinks they are being a bit too friendly with some of the neighbourhood girls (aged 10-12).
Do you have any suggestions as to how I might handle it?? I need to think about the others in the complex too, it won't do any good if he just moves in a few doors down with someone else... the sight of him makes me sick to my stomach and it's very hard to go home day after day and pretend everything's ok, because it's not.
Torn
Dear Torn, if you want my opinion...
As a father, I find it very difficult to understand how parents like your friends (who you admit have been known to spread lies and gossip) could have their daughter sexually molested in their own house, and then choose not to do anything about it. I do not buy this excuse they use of not wanting to drag their dughter through the court process. Although I am sure it would be difficult, if they had strong reason to think their daughter was assaulted, I can't imagine why they would not immediately call police, and or confront the accused about it dirwctly. It seems very suspicious too me.
Whether or not they are making false accusations, the responsibility for dealing with this man should not be left to you. As the accusers, and possible first hand witnesses to the crime, it is your friend's responsibility to protect their daughter and other children that might be endangered, by going to the police. In your position, I would explain to your friends that you cannot sit back and allow children in your complex to be at risk, and so you must go to the police with these accusations, if they will not. Don't feel bad for them, or say it is their right to choose to do nothing. No one has a right to allow someone to continue harming children. Confronted with having the police involved, your friends will either be forced to bring the accused to justice, or to admit their story is unsubstantiated.
Remember, the only thing that matters above all, is preventing children from being harmed. If the accused is guilty, only your friends can prove it and start the process that can make children safe from him.
Opinion Guy
hi opinion guy need an opinion .k .i woke up sunday had a cup of coffie and proceden down town with a drink of rye and water to the liquor store picked up a twenty sixer of rye with my friend and on the way home a cop stoped us and charged me with the ontario liquor licence act as i still had about an onch and a half in my pop bottle witch was ok as it was true i was drinkin off my resedence so then the bugger took the un opend twenty sixer and wen i read the liquor licence act of ontario it states that he can not toouch the un opened bottle the fine was 130 bucks and i did break that law we phoned the station to complain that he could not take the bottle he told us to read number 47 of the act but 47 wasnt on the ticket and i wasnt even close to beeing drunk so i just would like to no what you think should i persue this just for my rights or just let it go it pisses me of that he didnt write down wat was confiscated and where it goes i think the bugger drinks it lol let me know
Thnx
Corrupt Cops
Dear Corrupt Cops, if you want my opinion...
It does seem a little odd that the officer did not write down on the ticket that he had to confiscate a bottle. It has been my experience that an officer can confiscate unopened liquor from someone who he deems intoxicated, or illegally drinking in public, and who may drink the unopened bottle illegally. I am not familiar with the exact points of Ontario law in this regard.
If you truly feel the officer was up to no good, pursue it.
Opinion Guy
This is my first time asking for advice like this, so I will do my best not to confuse you with my question. First I'll ask the question , then give some background information.
" Should a person have a problem working with a convicted child molester?"
A couple of months ago, a coworker confided in my husband that he was a convicted child molester. My husband works for a family oriented company. On occasion I would stop by with my daughter, and visit a while. He was very uncomfortable with this information, and immediately told his boss. He assumed he was doing the right thing, and that his boss would be thankful and fire the man. His boss would have legal cause to do so, because the molester legally has to notify his job of this. Anyway, his boss, said to my husband that " What happened in the past , happened in the past." I agree that with many things this is so, but NOT with molesting a child. I've have done some research and learned that even with help these people usually do not stop, and will continue to molest children. In the end he and his boss worked it out, and the molester was fired. Before they worked it out, while my husband was debating on what to do, I talked to several friends and family members and asked what they thought. I was very outraged to learn that majority of them didn't seem to see a problem with working with a child molester, and told me that they would work with one. It completely disgusted me. In fact I've lost a lot of respect for them. Anyway I was wondering what your opinion on the matter was.
Thanks
Working with a child molester
Dear Working with a child molester, if you want my opinion...
It is certainly understandable that your husband and yourself felt uncomfortable knowing that there was convicted pedophilic offender at his workplace, and if indeed he was required by law to let his employer know he was a convicted pedophile but failed to do so, it was not out of line for your husband to do so.
Having said this now I need to make some things clear. Although the employer and fellow workers may be required by law to know if someone is an offender that doesn't necessarily mean he is not deserving of a fair chance. There are definitely valid concerns about having a known child sex offender working with you but you should try to keep a cool head and determine which concerns are valid and which are not. To do this you should start by learning a little about pedophilia.
In researching my reply to you I found some definitions that were common to many sites concerning the subject of pedophilia. These definitions were:
Paraphilias are characterized by arousal in response to sexual objects or situations that are not part of normative arousal activity patterns and that in varying degrees may interfere with the capacity for reciprocal, affectionate sexual activity
Pedophilia is one branch of the many sexual disorders that we call Paraphilia."Pedo" is a greek prefix indicating "child", "phile" derived from latin, greek and french means having a strong love or preference for.
Pedophilia involves reoccurring sexual arousal and desires or fantasies involving sexual impulses toward a pre-adolescent child or children. The pedophile must be above age 16, and the sexual attraction must involve a child of age 13 or younger who is at least 5 years younger than the adult. A pedophile has either acted on these sexual impulses, or the fantasies and / or sexual arousal and impulses disturb the individual. The pedophile is sexually aroused because the child is a child, regardless of the pedophile's sexual orientation, or the child's gender.
I also found that pedophiles could be classed under two distinct categories:
Fixated (or exclusive type) pedophilia. The fixated pedophiles consider themselves to be trapped in childhood. They usually have minimum relations with adult peers, and relate better with children. They are identified mainly as men and their primary interest is in boys, with whom they develop boy to boy relationships. They typically plan their activities to promote access to young boys through church, neighborhood, or sporting activities
Regressed (or nonexclusive type) pedophilia. On the other hand, the regressed pedophile is not ordinarily attracted to children. Those with regressed pedophilia are typically heterosexual married males and most likely to sexually molest 8 or 9 year old female children. Some pedophiles complain of anxiety or tension related to employment or marital relationship as precursors to pedophilic impulses, as well as alcohol or drug usage. They view the child as an adult substitute, and relate to the child in an adult to adult manner. The first sexual encounter is usually sudden and unplanned.
As well I discovered that although there were various types of treatment for the disorder, the effectiveness of said treatments was always much in question. Overall I seemed to sense that although pedophiles seemed sadly to rarely be treated with success, the ones who wanted to overcome their compulsive desires could successfully do so. It also seems that there are many pedophiles who never give in to their compulsive desires to commit crimes and violations against children. They realize that their particular desires if fulfilled would make victims of innocent children and be criminal acts. These people realize they have a problem and must learn to live with it in a way that ensures the safety of children around them in spite of their attraction and desires. Below is a list of links that may help you understand pedophiles and pedophilia a little better.
There are also pedophiles who not only are unwilling to receive treatment or abstain from entertaining their desires and compulsions, they also make an attempt to make their criminal desires acceptable through manipulating public opinion with propaganda and even by affecting legislation concerning such things as child pornography and age of consent laws. The inherent wrongness> in their philosophy should be obvious to most people, and these unapologetic pedophiles are a definite danger to children in our society. The following links are two web sites propagating their views. Be warned... their ideals are both shocking and offensive.
In conclusion, it is my opinion that although pedophilia is a concern it is not a crime to be a pedophile. It is a crime to engage in activities that victimize children and or break the law. That is how a person with pedophilia should be judged. Concerning your husbands co-worker, are you sure that his position in that company made him a threat to anyone? Why did he confide in your husband that he was a convicted offender? It seems unlikely that a pedophile with intentions to re offend would voluntarily give such information. His candidness may have been a sign that he was attempting to live and work in a manner ensuring he would not offend again. Perhaps he was fulfilling a condition (even a legal one) of his employment being a convicted offender. You mentioned you had a daughter that visited the workplace. Could that be an explanation for his revelation? When she visits is there any circumstances that might put her at risk? Is there any possible way you can conceive of that would put anyone child at risk with him working there? If the man is genuinely trying to obey the laws and willingly receiving treatment, it is my opinion that he should receive a fair chance. Remember not to judge him for his disorder, but for his actions. If he is not a risk he has a right to be a productive citizen.
Opinion Guy
I personally don't mind sharing undies with my girlfriend, but my buddies seem to quit wanting to hang with me, after I filled them in on this. Hey, we were just talking about the whole boxers vs. briefs controversy. What's wrong with a guy wanting to try on a thong now and then?
Satisfied In Silk
Dear Satisfied In Silk, if you want my opinion...
If you are happy in women's underwear fill your boots. But if you indescrimanently tell others about your underwear preferences expect that some may not be understanding. In short...Wear what you want but keep it to yourself.
Opinion Guy
Opinion Guy, I consider myself a decent man. I work hard, I don't hurt no one and I sure as hell don't let them hurt me. Live and let live I say.
Recently my twelve year old son found someone's wallet in a parking lot. He brought it home and intended to call the owners number which he found on some i.d. which was in the wallet along with three hundred bucks.
I'm not ashamed to tell you I was proud of my boy! Most kids these days would have kept the money, ran the cards to the limits and thrown the rest in the garbage. My boy is good but a little naive. I felt I had to advise him.
I think that kind of honesty should be rewarded, and I knew that if he returned the wallet and money he would get burned. I should know, I've been burned myself on many occasions. Worse yet, if there were already money missing and my son returned the wallet, he would be accused of stealing it himself! People these days are ungrateful!
I advised him to keep the money and to turn the wallet anonymously in to the police. The owner would get his wallet back(which he probably never expected he'd see again), and my son would have a nice little reward for his honesty. Win-win.
My wife didn't see things as clearly as me and with my son and without informing me, returned the wallet and money to the owner. My son told me the man was grumpy and ungrateful in response to their efforts. Surprise surprise! And of course there was no reward. My wife insists they did the right thing, but it's easy to see my son is more disappointed.
Please explain to my wife that I was right so we can get past this mess.
Burned One too Many Times
Dear burned one too Many Times, If you want my opinion...
You need to give your head a shake and take an example from your wife's actions so you can be a better role model to your boy. Luckily your wife's influence on him is showing through but if you don't send a consistent moral message to hers your son will remain disappointed and confused as you say he now is.
Your wife knows that honesty and integrity are always to be practiced. No amount of making excuses or pointing out bad or ungrateful behavior in others will change that fact. And as for rewards... It may sound corny but if you look at honesty as it's own reward, you will never be disappointed.
Think about the values your wife is trying to teach your son. If you still find her actions wrong then maybe you should ask yourself if your reasoning isn't based in selfishness and bitterness.And by the way, you should be proud of your son, and your wife.
Opinion Guy