What's a Hubajube?
How many jokes are there about condoms?
So, what is a rainbow?
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says "Hey little boy, what are you doing?"
The little boy says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look "Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!"
"Thanks mister", says the little boy.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy ", says the fireman, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!
"The Horse Race"
Horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Smooth Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry
And they're off...!
Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Smooth Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.
At the halfway mark it's Bare Belly on top. Smooth Thighs open up and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Smooth Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson. At the stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming. At the finish it's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady taking everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head. Heavy Bosom weakens and
Smooth Thighs pulls-up the rear. Clean Sheets never had a chance.
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
The Top 15 Changes in "Moby Dick" Starring Patrick Stewart
15> "Thar she blows!" replaced by "White whale decloaking off the starboard bow! Red alert!"
14> After animal rights activists complain, producers change Ahab's quest and send him to J.C. Penney's in search of the Great White Sale.
13> Captain Ahab spends time with Moby Dick, a large white mammal with no hair. Conspicuously absent is William Shatner, a large white mammal with no hair.
12> Controversial scene in which Captain Ahab harpoons a drowning Leonardo DiCaprio.
11> Captain Ahab is transported to the whale's belly to bring Jonah a nice bowl of chicken soup.
10> These are the voyages of the Star-Kist Enterprise."
9> In a cheesy display of product placement, Starbuck now brings the captain coffee every morning.
8> "Non-traditional casting" allows blue whale to play role of Moby Dick.
7> You just KNOW the unknown crewmen with the red tunics are going to fall overboard before the first commercial.
6> In response to pressure from Ralph Reed and Pat Robertson, name of the whale has been changed to "Moby Richard."
5> Two words: Blowhole Cam
4> "Prime directive be damned! I said, kill the whale that bit off my friggin' leg!"
3> A couple of phaser blasts over their heads and those Green peace wimps scatter.
2> Whale beamed aboard the ship in the first minute. Rest of the movie sucks.
and the Number 1 Change in "Moby Dick" Starring Patrick Stewart...
1> Ahab also searching for Moby Dick's big brother, Moby
The brother who bleached his clothes white........Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois.........................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle...............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin...............................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.......Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ..............Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle ...........................Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt........................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle.............................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst.........................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin..........................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking.............Wayto Gogh
The little nephew................................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco.........................Ahgo Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van...Winnie B. Gogh
The Top 13 After school Specials for the 90's
13> Joey's E-Mail Joke, and His Subsequent Visit from the Secret Service
12> Larry Learns About Leather
11> My Dad is a Fifty-Year-Old Hippie and I Want Some Discipline
10> It's a Mall World After All
9> RJ Reynolds Presents: A Teenager's Guide to the Dangerous, Grown-Up and Really Cool World of Smoking
8> I Can Stop Anytime I Want: My Personal Beanie Baby Hell
7> Look Before Crossdressing
6> The Littlest Testicle
5> Binge and Purge: A Junior High Girl's Guide to Staying Skinny
4> If You Cant Stand the Infection, Don't Get Your Nipple Pierced
3> Eschew the Powder, Zebedee: An Amish Drug Tragedy
2> Yikes! My Boobs are Growing!
and Top 13's Number 1 After school Special for the 90's...
1> Your Internet Friend, Billy, Who Wants You to Take a Bus to Miami By Yourself, Probably Isn't Really 10 Years Old Like You
Here was this couple who had been married for about five years. One fine summer day, as they're out working in the yard, the husband tells his wife, "Your butt is getting big."
She gets ticked off and moved to another part of the yard. He follows her and says, "You know that big gas grill over there? I'll bet your but is as big as that grill. It's huge!"
The wife gets really mad now, so she tells him he can finish the yard himself and she goes inside. In an effort to really get his wife fired up, the husband finds a yard stick, measures the grill, goes inside, measures his wife, and says, "Yup they're both the same size."
The wife is livid! She doesn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When the man comes to bed that night, he tries to cuddle up next to his wife and says, "Hay honey, how 'bout it?" She thinks for a moment and pulls away. "What's wrong?" he asks.
She responds, "Your crazy if you think I'm gonna fire up this big gas grill for on little weenie.
A young guy meets another one on the toilet. He looks at the cock of the other and marvels, "Damn, that's huge." So he asks the bear: "Why is your cock so extremely huge?" "I caught a leprechaun once and got fulfilled two wishes, that I may have a huge cock and the power to give it to anybody else too. The only problem was that he had to fuck me from behind in order to fulfill my wishes." "Oh, so you could enlarge my cock to the same size?" "Sure, but you know, I would have to do the same to you that the leprechaun did to me." "Well I'll go along, if my dick is gonna be that big, any price is worth that."
So the bear fucks the young one up the ass and the young is looking down and wondering why his cock isn't growing.
The bear has a great orgasm and the young one asks: "Why didn't my cock grow at all?"
"Well darling how old are you now?"
"21"
"And you still believe in leprechaun's?"
One Liners From Steven Wright:
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it'snot a door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
"IF YOU DON'T TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY, WHERE WILL YOU LIVE?"