Why it is that I do not keep up with this journal is a mystery to me at times. There is certainly much to record here. I suppose however, that as I am living it, the events seem ordinary and mundane and not very noteworthy. As I look back I see that they are indeed noteworthy for the growth and continued development of my own self. So I will begin by updating some of the events to this point.
1. The situation with Matt has come around full circle. After our few forays into sexual experimentation I ended up giving him my spare key. Mostly because of his difficulties at home with his father�s seeming molestation attempt on his granddaughter. I don�t know the facts of this and only have Matt�s side of the tale. I also figured that it couldn�t hurt to let him attempt to satisfy his desire to view images online of sexual material. Well, after a time he abused the trust between us and began going through my things, taking money from my coin jar and using several of my e-mail diskettes for his own purposes. This did not make me angry, merely disappointed that the trust we had worked toward was not what I had hoped it would be. Even before this point I noticed that I really wasn�t all that interested in the sex issue anymore either. I discovered through this that I am now even less interested in sex with others than I ever was before. Through this ordeal I have found that it is the wanting and unfulfilled desires that I find more appealing, not the achievement of the goal. The interest remains so long as there is a delicate balance of gaining a little bit more and not getting it all. The longer this balance holds, the longer it interests me. I also find that the memories are far more appealing to relive because I can edit them in my own mind with fantasy or imagination to exclude the undesirable parts and add parts to replace them. And based on the sensations that were experienced, I find I can elaborate and create something that satisfies a particular moment without having to worry about consequences. And this applies to just about anything. The danger here I suppose is that I increasingly find that I would rather live in the realm of my mind�s creations than in the tangible physical world around me. But I�m not crazy yet. Who knows about the future though.
2. Job wise I must say I am enjoying myself very much. I find it strange that I have been feeling that I would much rather work than have days off. Or more like, when I have my days off I find that I am somewhat bummed out and tell myself that at least if I was working I would be enjoying myself. While I am working I think to myself, �I can�t wait for my days off.� But when I am off I am thinking, �It sure will be nice to go back to work.� I think it is mostly because I don�t really do much on my days off anymore. Since selling the truck I have no real means of mobility, and I can only walk or ride my bike so far. In other aspects of the job I must say that I have become very confident and comfortable. I think that conducting some preliminary interviews for Chris helped me to better define my sense of responsibility toward management there. The time of feeling like the outsider has lifted. Interestingly enough I feel a gap widening between myself and Mikey especially, with the same thing happening with Randy a bit as well. I think most of it is my increasing inability to relate to the common mentality. I cannot deny that I think differently than most. This makes me no better or worse than others, it simply hinders my ability to relate to the more common way of thinking.
3. I guess the only other thing to catch up on is the group and it�s activities. Occasionally I get the motivation to do something and I sent a bunch of invites out to folks at PlanetOut. I set up a meeting time and place at Perko�s on the 21st and we had 20 people show up. There were seven new people there, all ladies. I also am considering posting events from the Paradise club in Stockton on our calendar as I have talked with Ricco from there. A link was placed to his site in the links page of the OAT site and after talking with him via e-mail, he placed a link to us on his site. Our next event is planned on the 18th of February at the bowling alley. We plan on getting together the third Sunday of every month. I know I will have to keep this going though if it is to become reality. Past experience shows me that no one else will bring it up to plan the next event so it therefore falls to me.
With all that said, there is only one other thing to note for today. It seems that last night the old Opossum that lives around here paid a visit. I was sitting in front of the TV. watching some Native American films when he came sniffing right up to the door. He was a bit timid and shy when I opened the door and talked to him, turning on the light, but not overly so. I threw him some pieces of a leftover pancake, but as before, he turned his nose up at it. I guess my scent was on it. Or perhaps he just doesn�t like breakfast foods since he didn�t eat the raw egg last time either. What I found particularly amusing is that my cat Spooky was outside as well and was totally freaked out at the �rat� that was even bigger than her. The possum didn�t even acknowledge her presence, but she sure ran like the dickens at it�s approach. Oh well perhaps I�ll see him again in the future.
