Well here it is in the middle of May and I am finally contributing something to this journal. Recent events are summarized as follows:
1. Job events and concerns
2. Finance evaluation
3. Personal events and associations
4. State of mind
1. First of all is the status of my job and work conditions. I suppose I could simply say that there is nothing out of the ordinary here. The usual outlook and feelings about any job I have had before. There are of course positive and negative influences as there are with anything else. Most of it is simply my own perceptions of such events and conditions. But in looking beyond my own perceptions and attempting to attain that effervescent truth that underlies those perceptions I can see that there are subtle differences in my own insights and behavior concerning my present job situation as opposed to previous ones.
One thing I can say for sure is that I am much more emotionally stable where the job is concerned. I still have the dissatisfactions that any job presents, but I have a deeper sense of the relative unimportance of such issues. Knowing that my feelings and perceptions are subjective and likely to change with any given moment, I find that I rarely get caught up in a single moment and tend to view things as a never ending chain of events that come and go. I think this is so because of my increasing disinterest in what I like or dislike, but instead viewing things as simply events and not judging whether I approve or disapprove of them. Now don�t get me wrong, I still am satisfied and dissatisfied, but those feelings are transient and do not carry over so well into future experiences at work. Mainly they serve as references of what can be expected. There are however the building forces of too easily being able to predict patterns and behavior of others and seeing the mundane nature of having to once again deal with these tired old dramas. It all goes back to my quest to ever evolve and grow in understanding. For most, change comes slowly and if I have any strong dislikes, it would be the fact of having to watch such stunted progress. This is the main source of my frustration there. Not in the ongoing and unchanging repetitive job tasks to fulfill, but the human interaction of ever moving drama taking place. All of the angry words, hurt feelings, petty behavior and pure selfishness.
On a positive work note, I find that I do still enjoy working. Sometimes I enjoy working more than I enjoy my time off. I suppose the familiarity and sense of purpose keeps my mind occupied. I usually keep myself busy and rarely sit still for very long. �Busy hands are happy hands and idle hands are the devil�s tools� and all that stuff. But even in that I feel as though time is slowly passing by and there is a nagging feeling that there are better things the time could be used for. For when all is said and done, what is really accomplished that truly matters? Making money to pay my bills so I can do what? Where is the meaning? The understanding and growth I crave? More thought must be put into that one.
2. As for my financial situation. Well I am slowly but surely moving toward my goal of becoming debt free. At the time I write this it is slower than I would like, but progress is being made none the less. If I exerted tremendous discipline I could be completely out of debt by the end of summer and on my way to building a more positive net worth of liquid funds (I don�t count my investments). But unfortunately the urges of frivolity overtake me far too often for this to occur. Hasty decisions quickly have me spending more than I ever intend to. The temptations of a �quick fix� are always present and I often fall to them, only to look back after the fact and think to myself, �Now what did that really accomplish?� The Truth is that I am still relatively weak when it comes to this particular form of willpower. If only my discipline in this area were as steadfast as my principles of ethical behavior. Well, just another area to grow in I suppose. Perhaps I should try once again to find some sense of needing to accomplish financial goals. It would have to encompass areas of ambition and goal orientation which have never really been my strongest traits. Not to mention my seemingly ingrained sense of non materialism. I suppose time will tell how this will work out. But then again, that seems to be the difficulty in this area. Not taking charge or control, but simply seeing how things go. It is a strange sort of circle and one I need to ponder over at length to better understand. Once that understanding is gained, the ability to easily change it will come.
3. Not much out of the ordinary occurs in my personal life. Though the outstanding one that occurred this month is my meeting with Mira. She and I finally were able to meet in person as she had come all the way from the Netherlands to meet her fianc� who just happens to live in Mi Wuk Village right here in California. I can say one thing for sure and that is that it was a very wonderful day. The love we share was the same unchanging factor that it has been online in cyberspace and there were not expectations or uncomfortable moments. I did notice things that were not apparent online. Such as her accent and many of the physical aspects of her being including expression. But her essence had been with me all the time and it was that aspect which was the smoothing stone. This body did have it�s reactions however, for it can not be denied that there was some sense of excitement of painting a broader and more in-depth picture of one so beloved. The anticipation of fulfilling the senses with a tangible form of one held so dear on a spiritual level. All in all it was lovely, but short. It will be a cherished memory now.
4. Lastly is the present state of my mind. I suppose that looking over the way I write and communicate now as opposed to my earliest journal shows a dramatic change in mentality. There is a peace of mind that grows more and more as time goes on and the main benefit of it is that I can more effectively focus my thoughts and record them in a more intelligible form as I am doing now. It is strange and yet interesting however that when I am going through the mundane aspects of living, I seem to go into a mental stupor. Mostly this occurs at work. It turns into what I can only term as �blah blah blah blah�. Automation and little else. No challenge to my capabilities that I feel as I write this very page. Just the act of focusing my thoughts into the form of intelligent and expressive writing interests me enough to want to do a good job of it. And the more I practice, the easier it becomes. For the most part it is pretty fluid, but quite often I find myself pausing to find just the right word to place on this screen. My best moments of fulfillment have always been and still are those times when I am utilizing and organizing the many aspects of this mind. Reason, fantasy, probability consideration, imagination and many more. This is when I feel most at ease emotionally. Too bad there is so much mundane time in this world.
Well, that about wraps it up for now. I have stayed up much later than I planned, but do not regret it. It is worthwhile just to get these thoughts down.
Monday May 28th, 2001: The Importance of setting goals.
The thoughts I have today to share are those of an ongoing inconsistency in my personal life. This would be the subject of having no set or long term goals. I find that in order for one to effectively set goals for oneself, one must first understand what exactly it is that one values. It is not enough to just say �I will endeavor to accomplish such and such by such said time.� In order to have a true sense of satisfaction when completing a goal one must first understand just why that goal is so important to him or her. In my case the problem does not lie in the fact that I have no set goals, but in the fact that I do not really understand what it is that I want or value in order to set such goals.
As an example I will elaborate on a specific concept. Take for instance my desire to be out of debt. It is clear to see by just about anyone the benefits of being debt free, but how would it make a difference for me personally. Too often we only skim over the thoughts of what it would mean and never really let the reality of it�s importance sink in. I will attempt to do this here.
Now up to this point the reasons have been mostly placed from a negative context. Such as �Being in debt prevents me from doing the things I like to do.� But what is it that I like to do? And is being in debt really preventing me from doing them? �I don�t have the money to spend on things or events I like.� But yet I spend frivolously on things that are not really important to me or even necessary in my life. So is the following the answer- to evaluate what is important to me and then create a budget to reflect my expenditures on those things? Good question. If this is valid then I should ponder on the subject of what I feel is important as listed below and how those things apply financially.
1. My personal ethic and integrity- Not really applicable in a financial sense except for the ethic of what I am financially responsible for which could take into consideration paying debts or bills in a timely and effective manner.
2. Spending time in Natural settings- More of a time resource problem than a financial one since there are many places close by that I can enjoy with only a short bike ride or a brisk walk. Distant places would incur the need for gas money etc, but to satisfy the basic need listed would only require time. Lack of motivation comes into play here.
3. Expanding my personal growth- There are many ways to accomplish this one. Reading is one of the best forms. With the Internet this becomes easy and cost effective. Another form costs nothing. That would be only time spent on personal reflection and meditation with my thoughts and experiences.
4. Travel and exposure to new experiences- Whether they be places, new ideas, new faces or whatever, the only costs involved with these would be in the travel department. There are always interesting new people and experiences around every corner, but new environments are important to me too. There is the need to explore and great fulfillment in it and this is what requires cash in the form of gas money, bus tickets etc. This applies to cultural events also. Some experiences that I would wish to have cannot be found in my immediate area, thereby necessitating the need for travel to those places.
I think that is enough elaboration for that point. As I can see, the problem of my finances lies more in my unclear understanding of what I value than it does in my actual spending or saving abilities. Trying to get that quick �fix� to alleviate boredom is what usually keeps me in debt. My plan of action should be more on how to figure out how to get more fulfillment out of my time and not give in to the desire for those quick fixes which never really satisfy anyway. Many of the most enjoyable times I have had have not cost me any more than the food I consume and perhaps twenty dollars of gas money. I spend more money in a week on junk which does not truly satisfy me but merely fills those moments of time that I don�t know what to do with.
So in closing I need only to get in the habit of reminding myself whether or not what I spend my money on is truly important to me, or if it is something I am doing just to fill a moment of time and born of boredom or dissatisfaction. If I can start to do that and realize just what it is that is truly important to me and remember to ask myself if those things are in alignment with what I want from my time, then perhaps I will find it easier to commit to and set goals which fulfill me and challenge me to look to the next ones. As with most things I write here, more thought should be given to this one.
