I was pondering today the manner in which I tend to express my ideas about the insights and information I have at my disposal and realized that I tend to use the tools of Analogy and Metaphor more than any other form of expression. I suppose it is because my mind has a tendency to formulate correlations between subjects or thoughts. I like to look at similarities and differences between them. It is not unlike Jesus� use of parables throughout the gospels of the Bible.
Today I think of what else?, Truth. I coupled that together with my thoughts on the four fundamental facets of being which I have referred to many times in this journal. It began with only thinking of the concepts of perceptual and absolute Truth. I wondered how many layers of perceptual Truth one must wade through to actually get down to the �root� of things. I thought of course about the old metaphors of an egg with it�s layers or even an onion. But being that I have a strong interest in science, especially earth sciences, I began making correlations and analogies to these layers of Truth being like that of the earth itself. This fit in fairly well with the four facets of being as well since the earth itself has basically four �layers� to it. The crust, mantle, the outer and inner core. My thoughts began working over these concepts and though not perfect (as little rarely is), there do seem to be some interesting comparisons to ponder.
The outer most layer of the earth is called the crust. It is that layer of rock that is directly exposed at it�s edge to the heavens. It is covered with particles of itself in the form of dirt, sand and then of course mostly covered by earth�s oceans. There are three types of rock it is composed of. Igneous, sedimentary and metamorphic.
A person�s life may interestingly enough be described in similar fashion. Sedimentary: laying low, inactive, sedentary. Igneous/volcanic: dynamic, fiery, lively. Metamorphic: in a state of change or evolution.
This is our visible sphere of the earth�s layers. It is in a constant state of change, both miniscule and cataclysmic. This I would liken most to our physical state of existence. I say this because we are constantly changing physically. Aging, tangible experiences, events taking place.
The surface of our lives change constantly like the crust of the earth. We take different jobs, alter our appearance, conduct many different conversations, move about from one place to another and such as these. From the perspective point of view, this would seem the most violent and oppositional. Just as our perceptions see the world we live in changing constantly with new construction/demolition, erosion of natural settings and new growth, so are our lives constantly changing and shifting. Things are never exactly the same from one moment to the next and it all plays together in some crazy, chaotic dance. The crust only makes up 1% of the earth�s volume and .4% of it�s mass. Compared to the rest of the earth�s thickness it is pretty �shallow� at only an average of 32 kilometers. I must wonder if this conscious/physical life of ours is in any way comparatively proportionate in this regard.
Anyway, moving on. Below the crust is the earth�s mantle. It is composed supposedly of solid rock. More solid and rigid at the top and bottom of it�s approximate thickness of 2,900 kilometers, but believed to be somewhat mobile in it�s center like a very thick syrup. As stated, it lies below the surface of the earth and it�s crust. I would most liken this to the emotional sphere of existence.
We can see the type of rock from this layer of the earth in it�s molten form where it comes through to the surface as volcanic activity. Emotion can be seen to be similar to this in our lives. We may be going along life in an every day fashion when some event comes along and BOOM!�..emotion comes pouring out in a sudden eruption. And from this, the surface of the earth (or our lives) are noticeably and irrevocably changed. But it can also be released into our sphere of awareness slowly and sort of ooze like the lava fields of the Pacific Northwest, spreading over a large area and squeezing between various layers of the crust (or our lives). This layer may go through long periods without showing itself very dominantly, but certainly makes itself known and appears to make it�s reality and presence known undeniably in the occasional (and sometimes geographically constant) eruption. I guess it all depends on where you are on the surface of the earth or one�s life. The mantle is believed to contain 84% of the earth�s volume and two thirds of it�s mass, and mankind overall does seem to be mostly ruled by emotion in my opinion.
Next is the core. The core is believe to be broken down into two sections. The inner core and the outer core.
The outer core is believed to be liquid by nature and composed of iron and nickel. It is from iron that the earth�s magnetic field originates. The magnetic field moves out over and far beyond the surface of the earth. I liken the outer core to the sphere of intellect. Emotion can show physically on a person�s being causing real physical changes. But intellect is a bit more ethereal in a material sense. It�s effects are no less significant than emotional effects, but they are not quite so obvious by just looking at a person when in that state. The effects can be clearly related when in vocalized or recorded form but when kept to oneself it is more elusive than emotion as a whole.
Finally the inner core is believed to be also composed of iron and nickel, but solid in nature. This I liken to the realm of spirit. The very foundation of existence and the center of it all. It is like intellect in the fact that by nature it generates the magnetic field which permeates and even goes beyond the very body of the earth and out into space. It is often for this �far-reaching� quality that people are noted throughout history. Aristotle, Plato, Copernicus, DaVinci, Christ, Mohammed, the saints, etc. Occasionally there are those who are more remembered for their strong passion rather than their philosophy, but then the mantle (emotion) also contains iron and contributes to the field. Deeds too are often recorded, but they are almost always remembered along with a person�s passion or philosophy at the root of those deeds. The inner and outer core combined are believed to compose 15% of the earth�s volume and one third of it�s mass. Though seemingly less dominant in the material compositional sense of the earth, the outer layers would first have to be �brushed away� to expose each layer within. So physical life dissolves, emotions burn out, intellect fades and what is left is the solid core.
This of course is a simple and not too in depth look at this metaphor. I could intellectually reach and study and make many more interesting analogies, but I could likewise find perhaps as many faults with this comparison. It is simply nothing more than an exercise in thought and something to ponder for my own amusement or insight. While intrinsically flawed as most intellectual pursuit is, it holds enough merit to have some value I suppose. And it�s time I think, well spent. Boring to some, fascinating to others. Genius to a few, gibberish probably to more. But I�m not out to impress anyone. I am what I am and express it my own way, for my own indulgence. I just choose to put it out there and let my own magnetic field reach far.
Friday December 24th, 2004: Best intentions gone awry
Today is a day unlike most others in my common everyday experience of life, for today I am greatly saddened. While I have been a bit bummed at times and not quite as energetic as I could have been for the last month or so, I have not experienced this sense of sorrow for a great number of years. My heart is heavy. Not from a sense of loss or personal physical or emotional injury, but from the misunderstanding of my expressions from someone I have a great deal of respect and admiration for. It�s not as though my words have never been taken out of context before or that my intentions have not been previously misunderstood, but I can�t recall them ever backfiring so profoundly before. You see, I felt it important to tell this person of my thoughts and regards concerning his character and all the potential I believed him to have, and I thought I did a good job of expressing this in a letter in an effort to offer goodwill and personal affirmation for him, but my intentions appear to have been misconstrued and seen as something entirely different than was intended, having perhaps the opposite effect of what I had hoped. This is what most troubles me.
It was not the first such letter I have written to someone to express this. The fact is I have written many such letters. Young and old, male and female, celebrities as well as ordinary folk and those of varying religious, racial or sexual orientations. Always I focused on positive expressions intended to show appreciation of the individual�s unique character and qualities. Never have I had a negative response in such expressions as I always try to do my very best to find the most fitting words to convey my sincerest appreciation for a person�s individuality. I often do so in writing for I find that while I am fairly good at verbal expression, I am much better at conveying my thoughts on paper. But this time it was different.
I feel it best to keep the details vague in this entry, for even though it is my personal journal, I do post it publicly for all the world to see and I don�t wish to cause any further discomfort to the young man I have such admiration for in the chance that someone local might compound this already uncomfortable situation by bringing it up in conversation. And while I do feel it important to record these experiences of my life, I see no need to compound the obstacles of this situation by explicit detail. I had thought for a few weeks to write such a letter to this young man and finally took the time to do so on the 19th. I gave him the letter the next day. My intention was to show respect, appreciation and hopefully impart a sense of inspiration to nurture the positive aspects of his nature that I witness in him. I did not think there was anything in this letter which expressed any sense of wanting anything in return, just a simple expression of appreciation of his unique individuality and the sharing of my personal views of his character. I also shared in this letter some enigmatic dreams I had regarding him. Perhaps it was this that made it too intense or too personal.
I was informed by a third party of some authority to both of us today of the impact my letter had on this fine young man. This impact was not as I intended at all. When I handed him the letter I told him, �Here XXXXXXXX, I have something for you. Consider it like a Christmas card�. (not my exact words perhaps, but I am absolutely sure I said �like a Christmas card.) And that was how I intended it, in line with the spirit of Christmas. A selfless giving of oneself to honor another. I was told by this third party today that what he heard was not what I had said. What was heard was, �Consider it an invitation�. I was then informed that the young man felt that I was coming on to him and he had become very uncomfortable. My heart sank and I was truly stunned. I began to feel very concerned. Not for any implication of negative action toward me, but for the well being of this young man. My intention was to offer an affirmation of his character to help impart a sense of encouragement and virtuous pride in himself and yet, I inadvertently caused him discomfort and perhaps a sense of self doubt. It is this which brought my heart great sorrow. I found I could not focus on anything for several hours after learning of this effect my well meaning attempt imparted.
I never dreamed that the words I wrote in this letter could have such an effect on this young man and I have read back over the letter several times to try and figure out what might have been taken out of context and deemed inappropriate. And while it seems to me that there is no direct evidence of any such content, I can now see how some of the wording, if taken within a certain mindset of assumption, could be seen as suggestive or insinuative. How I could have missed this is baffling to me. I guess it is merely for the fact that I do not think in such a way. It is no secret and clearly seen within the pages of my journal here that I have very little interest in physical sexual pursuits. And yet, just for the simple fact that I identify as an openly gay man (though basically sexually inactive for the last 16 or so years), it would seem that this young man expresses a sense of fear in the form of homophobia. I do not fault this young man for this, I simply did not expect such a reaction as I thought there was no expression of any such implication in the letter or it�s presentation.
This is a new experience for me. I have never faced this type of trepidation regarding my character before. Though I have often felt that people feel intimidated by me for one reason or another, I have never experienced that in regards to my sexuality. Sure, there have been those moments of people being surprised and caught off guard when I inform them of my being gay, but it has always been a fleeting sense of them not knowing how to react and not a sense of fear or overt and lasting discomfort for them. Usually I find that after they get over the initial �shock� of meeting a confident, openly gay man, they see my approachable nature as an opportunity to ask questions about a subject they are unfamiliar with.
After I had given this young man the letter, I saw him a few times in passing. Never enough time to say more than a quick hello. Couple that with the ear infection I have been battling over the last week+ and being on cold medication (since it seemed to have moved to my throat, lungs and nasal area) I can see how my normal cheerful nature has been subdued. This may have been taken as myself being uncomfortable, and in all honesty, perhaps I was in fact a bit uncertain or hesitant in those moments. My usual reaction in such cases is to pause and observe people�s reactions. So much seems to happen in these moments and I find myself gauging people�s inner state through the subtle physically manifested expressions. In those moments in passing, the young man seemed appreciative, saying hello and offering his usual cheerful smile, but I also felt that there was a slight sense of uncertainty or perhaps even suspicion. There seemed so much being conveyed non verbally in these brief moments, and I tend to observe and rely much on my insights. I can see now how I erred in not taking a moment to dispel any doubt and that my own hesitancy from social interact due to my own uncertainty may have served in fact to increase his sense of trepidation. Even when I gave him the letter I was quite quick about it. The more I try to look at it through his perceptions, the more I can relate to how he may be thinking, and I feel completely awful for it. My heart has not known such regret for a very long time and it troubles me greatly to think that now, even my mere presence causes him discomfort. I fear that by intending to inspire and uplift his self confidence, I have instead caused him reason to doubt himself in some regard.
I wrack my brain to try and figure out how I may rectify this situation. My first impulse is to speak to him directly and attempt to clarify my intentions, but I fear this would only cause him further discomfort. How could I have made such a mess of things? And how Lord am I to fix this? I find myself these hours after the fact, turning to you for guidance as I often do and your spirit comforts me. I hear the whispering of �all is as it should be� but don�t yet understand. Perhaps this is the new journey or direction of thought that I felt this young man might lead me down by his influence as revealed to me in one of the dreams I conveyed to him through the letter. It certainly is a new challenge for me to face. In this light, I will face it as such. A chance to learn and grow from the experience. I have not faced such sorrow or surprise for a great many years. In a way I suppose I sort of felt myself immune to such effect, not having known them for so long. It is most certainly disconcerting, but even so, I rejoice for it. For it further proves to me that my heart still holds a great deal of compassion for others. I only pray that any good that comes of this regrettable misunderstanding benefits all involved and does not come at the expense of this admirable young man�s sense of self worth or confidence. Perhaps an opportunity to resolve this unfortunate occurrence will present itself. Until then I will simply have to have faith on this and trust that indeed, �all is as it should be.� God truly works in mysterious ways, and perhaps this experience must occur in this manner for some positive change to take place. I guess only time will tell.
Sunday December 26th, 2004: Clearing the Mists of Confusion.
This regret still haunts me. I sit home alone for most of this holiday turning things over in my mind, asking God�s spirit for guidance and slowly gaining understanding. What is written in the last entry of this month is one layer of Truth, but as I dig deeper I begin to see Truths which are more absolute. I see the roots of both my desires and dissatisfactions all from one source, one experience and it becomes clearer to me why my actions take a certain course. I have become in this life, more of a spiritual being than a physical one in many regards. And yet I am bound, no, trapped in this physical realm.
Many who read this entry may begin to think me a bit insane perhaps, but they do not know the experiences which lead to this way of thought. Those that don�t understand have not experienced being in the very presence of ultimate serenity, love and joy that I tried to convey in my previous journal entry entitled �The Great Journey�. And they do not know the feeling of being made to become separate from that very source of creation. There is simply no way I can convey the fullness or ultimate/infinite nature of that experience. Though my words in that entry may seem quite expressive, they are so entirely feeble when I view them.
I believe I understand more fully now where the desire to write or verbally express my appreciation for characteristics of others stems from. It is the same place that this sense of sorrow and regret comes from in the matter depicted in the last entry above. Both of these concepts are rooted in the very experience I had which is depicted in the above named journal entry. Ever since I had that experience my life in this world was changed dramatically. My consciousness, my very being, stood before the very gates of paradise (though the �gates� were merely constraints of awareness). The sense of desperation to move beyond those gates and join in the light of the infinite was so very powerful. And yet, by decree of that very source, my soul was made to return to the source of all it�s perceived misery and once again take residency within it�s physical shell.
I come to realize ever more clearly that my actions and desire to write these letters and express my appreciation of the goodness and beauty I witness in others is an attempt to strengthen and encourage those tiny sparks of the eternal essence of God I witness in this physical world. And I realize as well that it does stem from some sense of selfishness. For I do want, more than anything in existence, to return to that eternal radiance of God�s being. I would gladly give up this life to return and I have made it no secret either here in this journal or in my discussions with others on the subject. In those discussions, I invariably seem to confuse people with what appears to be a contradiction of ideas when I say that I am completely ready and anxiously await the day I will leave this world and have no fear of death, but yet, that life is to be treasured and should be lived fully for as long as the gift is present. And I realize that because of the vision of paradise I have been given, coupled with the fact that I must be apart from it (at least so long as I live in this world) I do my best to bring as much of it�s essence into this physical world.
In this world however there are so many sparks of his essence. Mostly I see it in his natural creations, and occasionally I witness those sparks in individuals. It was this recognition that I saw in the young man from my last entry as well as all the others I have written to or spoken to in such a manner. It is the light within them which draws me like a moth to a flame and my expressions to them are meant to offer encouragement to fan that flame of ultimate beauty. It takes me back to experience in a very small way the same sense of ultimate beauty, love and joy I witnessed all that time ago and brings the desire out in me to increase that influence here on earth where there is so much negativity and sorrow. And now, with this latest occurrence as written about in the last entry, I realize how having my intentions misunderstood has taken me back in a small way to that experience of being torn away from the vision of God�s essence and the sorrow and regret I feel from the experience is a shadow of the ultimate sense of grief I felt back then.
But I as well realize something more. I realize that this life will not last forever. I realize that I will indeed return someday to the very source of creation. And even though this experience is regretful and has the potential to hinder my outlook of this life, I choose to look beyond it and to the fact that ultimately, I shall return to that source no matter how much of it I am or am not able to inspire in this world. I know that the very essence of God�s spirit lies within me as well as others and though some may misinterpret my attempts or I myself may make mistakes at times in how I attempt to increase his presence on earth, I shall never stop trying. I will not allow fear, doubt or failure to keep me from at least trying to encourage those sparks of heaven I see here on earth. I will continue as always trying to inspire and encourage, knowing full well that there may be difficulty and defeat at times. To do otherwise would be a loss of faith and I just can�t see that happening for me. And if I can�t return to God�s divine light and essence, then I will continue to attempt to bring out as much of it as possible in this crazy mixed up world.
