In these times of greatest conflict I would rather fight the demons without these distractions� I need time. Time to stand alone and be strong. Distraction only brings strength to my enemies. If I feel I am losing I will initiate a cry for help. Any distraction will only cause me to lash out. For it is then that I feel most that I will lose control. The battle is real and they possess a very strong weapon. The weapon is that of my own memories. They use the negative ones to open old wounds and stir up long gone sorrows. And the good ones are equally as harmful. For they serve only to bring forth a deep longing which cannot be quenched. A hurtful desire for times more pleasant, which burns at my soul and fuels their power over me.
Sometimes the feelings are too strong and too many�. I feel that I shall fall. It is then that I call upon the lord. For only he can help me to stand strong. The overwhelming grief and despair do not abate, but at least with God�s presence, there stands a light in the darkness. Something to focus on and strengthen my sanity and help me to recognize reality.
Fortunately this war is not constant. A battle rages unyieldingly, runs it�s course and then subsides. Only to return at a later time. It is in these times of duress that my relationships with those that I love are strained. I know and I am fully aware that my actions and state of mind affect those around me. I can only pray that somehow the damages caused by these internal wars will not remain permanent. I suppose I can only try to do what�s right and hope for the best.
(Later in the evening I added this)
It is not my intention to cloud this journal with pages of negativity, but I find that leaving out this crucial step in my existence would be a grave error on my part. As I stated in the introduction, �good and bad help to form a person into who he is.� I believe that it is the conflict in life which helps to make us strong and the way in which we deal with that conflict serves only to forge that much more of our personalities.
I look at writings from my past, before I began this journal, and find a distinct difference in the pattern in which I�ve dealt with this ongoing problem. Where previously I would fall to self pity and destructive tendencies, I now see the ability to hope in these times of trouble. And with this, I owe God a great deal.
~FIN
