It�s always nice to recognize progress or make some sort of breakthrough. Yesterday after I got home from work I realized something that, upon hindsight, I should have recognized long ago. It has to do with work primarily and even my friend Drew to an extent. Of course, it is no secret from past entries that my attitudes about work in the deli department just seem to be getting more and more difficult for me to manage positively. Now it is so easy to look at the immediate things that bother us and blame everything on the surface irritation. In this case I can blame it on certain people�s peculiarities, scheduling practices, feelings of being overworked or constantly distracted, or whatever little thing that �bugs� me at any given moment. But as is usual for me I usually try to look below the surface for the �root� of any given problem. I do believe I have found it in this regard but am surprised it took me so long to recognize it.
It started to dawn on me slowly last night. I was feeling a sort of shadow depression. I usually feel the worst at work on the first day back after having a few days off, but this was a particularly more dominant hopeless feeling. You know, feeling that something has to give, but seeing no way out. Feeling trapped in your situation and unable to rectify it. Being one that has a great deal of difficulty hiding how I feel, it was obvious to everyone that my mood was quite poor. For several months now it has been getting harder and harder for me to do my job as effectively and quickly as usual. My attitude has been steadily getting worse and I rarely even look at customers anymore. And sometimes (rarely) it is all I can do just to actually be there at the deli. I mean, I hate it so much that I can�t seem to function without great effort.
Anyway, what really seemed to trigger it last night was when Glenn (the one manager) came back to use the phone and just simply looked at me and said something like �Is everything all right? You don�t look like your doing too well.� Now of course, me being one to say what I feel or think said in all honesty that I was not happy, that it was a real struggle just being there today. Glenn then asked if it was anything in particular and I said it was a lot of things. He asked �like what?� and I started spouting off a few things. Oddly enough, this seemed to bring me out of the black cloud funk a bit. I told him it was nobody�s fault really, that it was just me having trouble dealing with all the crap. Then, I said to him, �You know, I haven�t hated being at a job this much since my fast food days.� Something in that sentence struck me and my mind started putting things together. Glenn and I said a few other things, but I can�t remember them. I wanted to get done and my subconscious was now working overtime on something. I hardly had any other chance to ponder it consciously until after work.
It was after work and on the way home when I focused my thoughts on the new sensations underlying my conscious mind. That sentence took me back to my Chuck E. Cheese days. Now the last few weeks to months of that job were some of the worst days of my life. Not only was I having a horrible time with the job, but that was also when my relationship with Jim had just ended. Of course, that ended VERY badly and I think I was sort of in a self loathing period. It dawned on me while thinking back that I left Chuck E. Cheese�s in the first part of February of 1988. I verified this by my Resume. I worked both that job and 7-11 for a week or so and I started at 7-11 at the end of January of 1988. I then started thinking about most of the other negative or difficult events in my life and was surprised that many and in fact, most of them happened between the months of November through February. Some of my lowest journal entries were written in this period, my grandfather passed away 2 years ago in January, Jim and I broke up in November (I think, maybe December?), The worst of the Chuck E. Cheese years were in this time frame, every job I left due to dissatisfaction or termination happened in December or February and I�m sure there are others. What is interesting to me is that God�s spirit touched me as well in this time frame. November I think, looking back at my 11-22-89 pre-journal entry.
Now the reason I particularly think of the Chuck E. Cheese years is because I began to see several similarities to then and my present job/situation. At CEC I was a manager, but not at this job. All the other managers however were women at CEC. In the deli I work with all women. It is well known by all my co-workers that I do not like to work the hot end of the deli. That�s the end we make pizza at of course. Not because it is harder or anything, in fact you would think I would like it better since there are less customers to deal with, but I just never liked it. At both jobs I felt increasingly less appreciated and my performance began to suffer. My behavior and attitudes seems more and more to be mirroring my CEC days. I then began looking at the people involved and I found it uncanny how I could see so many similarities between many of them too. Kristi and Donda (Owner and main manager at CEC) can so easily be equated to Brenda and Janet. Incredibly having so many of the same basic characteristics. Amy is so much like Becky (another manager). Kitty is so much like Bonnie (a regular employee, later a manager), Terri is a lot like Karen (my closest ally in management, but dead now) and Ruth Ann is so much like Shannon (my good friend and regular employee, later manager) as somewhat of an anchor for me.
I found it so amazing that everything is so incredibly similar. Especially with all the nit picking and talking behind people�s backs. The progression of events from being well liked and admired to being more and more viewed as �difficult�, watching how my �usefulness� seems to be waning all due to my own difficulties in dealing with matters and of course so many other little things. It is the past trying to repeat itself since I never got to the point of addressing this area of my life in therapy sessions so long ago. Back then of course I tried, but it was all �clumped� together. Now I think it is similar environmental elements prompting those old unresolved events to surface just below consciousness. And I am probably ready to deal with them now as I had gone back in session and dealt with many things BEFORE that time in life. In fact I find it interesting that I could not even remember much of my life during my late teens/early twenties and it is all now easier to remember. I can now seem to remember events and names of people I had forgotten about years ago.
I do realize now that knowing is only half the battle. Knowing why I have been acting the way I have lately gives me more control and power over my situation, but it does not address the actual initial problems in the reactive area of my mind. I will probably still have difficulty at work and find everything just as annoying, but I think that knowing that the bulk of my negativity is actually from the past events I should be able to remind myself constantly that it is not that time and have some sort of better control over how I behave. What I really need to do however is to go back in session and resolve the original issues so that I can see present events clearly without past bias or dissatisfactions. I know the mechanics of it all now, and I also realize what needs to be done to reconcile the problem but I just don�t have the adequate means around this area. It would be nice to be able to be my own auditor (counselor) but it just doesn�t work that way unfortunately. I can accomplish a lot on my own, but of course �No man is an Island� and to completely resolve the issue I need the help of another to guide me through my own memories and keep me from digressing. I will have to pray that God will show me a way to accomplish that which I know must be done. Oh, and then there is Drew I mentioned earlier. I think he reminds me of my former self too much in that past time frame. Perhaps that is why I have been so impatient with him especially lately. If that is true, then that would be why I get more easily annoyed around him now. I didn�t much like myself back then. He certainly reminds me of myself back then, but I know he is not me.
It�s funny, I haven�t felt this crazy in a long time, but likewise I haven�t felt this intelligent or clear minded in a long time either. Ah, the clarity that a touch of insanity can bring! :-)
Add in after saving: How funny that after I saved this entry that the new file created by it was EXACTLY 23 kilobytes. Just goes to show Christ�s spirit of Truth working in my life through this line of thinking.
