Well I have finally done it for real this time. I have submitted my notice to Shop N� Save. I doubt it will prompt any meeting or such as last time. They are by now, probably sick of me. But I suppose that�s only fair since I am equally dissatisfied. Not that my level of efficiency or dependability has altered. That is as it always has been. I will follow true to myself and do the best I am able until my last day. That still won�t be for a while though as I have decided that my last day will be July 3rd. That gives them 95 days to find and train someone new. They may ask me to leave sooner if there are any misgivings, but if that is what is to be, then so be it. I have no problems with that.
I have thought for months now of when I would leave and I finally made the choice after speaking with Rich last night. It was Sunday and there is a one dollar special running on bologna. As has been the case for the last several sales, there was no third person scheduled long enough to cover the two closer�s breaks for the opening Sunday of the sale. Of course, it was insane once everyone began getting off of work and such, as it usually is during this type of sale on a Sunday. Everyone getting their lunchmeat for the coming work week. Top it off with machine problems and clusters of pizza orders, helping people in the bakery department and other non-deli distractions and the stress level became intense. I asked Glenn when he walked by, if he would tell Rich that I would like to see him. I should have known better and rather should have waited until a future point when the insanity subsided. Trying to discuss something under stressful conditions such as those usually do not bode well since adrenaline is pumping.
When Rich came back it had slowed a bit, enough for us to quickly talk. I saw him hesitate and begin to turn around, but when I noticed him he asked me what it was. I should have told him we would talk later. But, as usual, I tried too quickly to say all that was running through my mind since I recognized I could not neglect the customers for long. I told him that I wanted to know why every time we had a dollar or 98 cent sale, no one was scheduled to cover our breaks. These are very close to my actual words and it is how I began. I saw a moment in his response where his patience was very thin and recognized a level of restraint. God love the man, he tried. :-) I had noticed over the last week especially, how his demeanor was beginning to change. I�m sure he is having his share of difficulties as well. It shows in his appearance as well. He has gained weight, he appears more disheveled and his features have darkened. Almost as if he has aged heavily in a short period of time. His very gait has changed. In his response, I knew that if I said things too badly he might go off. How whiney I must have seemed to him.
I am certain that he misunderstood what I was saying since he kept talking about the deli not pulling their weight, being over budgeted, and not being able to add hours to cover night breaks. I told him that all that needed be done was to �shift� the 9-5 person to a 12-8 shift like it used to be done on the busy days. I then went on to say it wasn�t even necessary Monday thru Thursday. I probably confused him with the word �shift�. I found myself empathizing too closely with his own sense of trying to keep it together. I have been there far too often. I lost my train of thought. Too much information coming in from watching his subtle gestures and expressions for me to make a concise statement while trying to quiet my own stress situation. I know better. What an idiot. It always comes out badly in these situations when I try to do too many things at once.
Well, anyway, he kept on about the �adding hours� thing when my intention was only to offer the solution of changing the mid shift person to reflect enough time for both morning and night crew to get their breaks done without being overwhelmed with these sales. I certainly did not mean this should be a daily thing. But, I presented my point badly under stress, and Rich was most likely not very receptive judging by his body language and expressions. As if entering into this discussion under duress was bad judgment enough, I then allowed myself the selfish indulgence of expressing my emotion during that discussion. I knew he wasn�t hearing what I was saying and I followed through with the next typical human fault of expressing frustration by saying something along the lines of �It makes me just want to throw my arms up and give up.� To which he replied �Do what you gotta do.� And then, even though I knew somewhere within me that all this should not have taken place at this moment of craziness, I felt a calm come over me as he said that phrase. It was as if everything started to come together and I could begin seeing the bigger picture. That phrase was like the one puzzle piece that when placed, lets you see what the completed jigsaw is all about. Still a few out of place of course, but ever so clearer a picture.
The rest of the night I found myself quite serene. I knew that the time had come to move on. I could see it very clearly and found solace and comfort in that revelation. And even though my heart and arm had begun to twinge with pain from the stress episode I was mentally and emotionally at peace the rest of the night. Never once did I feel any sense of negativity toward Rich. Not then and not now. The Truth be told, my main thoughts concerning Rich were for his own state of mind and being. It was as if I was seeing a shadow of some of my own struggles of the past. I guess I sort of pity the circumstances he finds himself in. Not him, but the circumstances he chooses for himself. As I looked at him in our moments in discussion I realized with absolute certainty that I had made the right decision not to go back into management. I would have a heart attack for sure if I put myself in that position again. The one I see Rich getting into.
And in his phrase and the revelation which followed for me, I decided to do as I normally do and ponder it for a while with reason, when of course my stress situation ended. So thinking on it last night after I got home I decided to put in my notice. I was planning on two weeks, but the voice of the spirit prompted me otherwise. So I thought some more. I considered that since I had already earned the vacation time I would probably still be paid for it, but even if not big deal. It certainly has nothing to do with money. If I were in it for the money I would have definitely gotten a much better paying job. My needs are very modest however. So when I pondered it some more, my own spirit came up with June 30th. I checked on the calendar and saw however that the end of that work week was July 3rd.
Plenty of time for them to find and train my replacement and actually a good cut off point for me since I could easily take off the rest of the summer and fall to work on fixing up the place full time. It sat well with me completely. Of course I know that I will have some God awful nights at work between now and then. But what else is new? I�ll simply have to take it as it comes and hopefully will just keep my big mouth shut when stressed. Of course, if Rich asks me why so long of a notice I will tell him the reasons above, and probably mention that if he wants me gone sooner to just ask. I have no qualms with either him or the store as an entity. It was always my choice to put up with the crap or not. My choice has just gotten to the point of changing now and I have always known the power I possess over my own life�s journey. The store certainly has no power over my life�s choices, nor any other person for that matter. The choices were always mine of what paths to pick, and I have chosen many through this journey, and doubtless will make many more until God so decided my days of choosing are over. And I must admit I am really looking forward to that day when I can go back to that place my spirit once visited and be with my lord.
One other quick note: Today marks an anniversary of sorts for me. It was 7 years ago to this day when I last missed time from work when I had my 3 day sinus/ear infection at 7-11 which of course sent me to the emergency room. So it is also seven years since I have been to a hospital. :-)
Wednesday March 31st, 2004: Like Grand Central Station!
Wow! What a way to end March. When I woke up I went to the kitchen window to look out over the back yard as usual and the very first thing I see is a cute little bunny sitting next to my shed. I opened the window and he turned around to face me and just sat there chewing his grass. :-) Then there were four robins which came up by the bunny and started hopping and flitting around him while he just looked on sort of nonchalantly. Something in the back woods caught my eye and when I looked back there I saw a male pileated woodpecker gliding from tree to tree. Now the pileated woodpecker is a big bird! Between a foot and a foot and a half long. Roughly the size of a chicken! He was just beautiful!
There were many other types of birds flying around and landing on the empty feeder such as mourning doves, starlings, grackles, cardinals, blue jays, sparrows, juncos, tufted titmouse, and chickadees. I just sat watching them all for about a half an hour. Then, just after I made a pot of coffee, I looked back out and a large gray squirrel with a rusty orange underside came across the yard and began checking out the pond area just below the window. He went over by the shed from there and started picking up the black walnuts (which are everywhere!) that fell from last fall. As I saw him, a regular gray squirrel came from the opposite side of the yard and they just hopped around eating walnuts. It rained a bit off and on, but it smelled so lovely! And the birds were just chirping away and everything seemed so magical. :-)
Spring is my absolute, favorite time of year. I just feel as though I am going to burst from joy sometimes on days like this. I�m looking forward to Grumpy Grunt the groundhog to come out of his winter sleep. I have not seen him yet, but he�ll be out soon, I�m sure. The frogs are already chirping at night too. I can hear them even now. I sure hope spring doesn�t just fly by. Oh well, here�s hoping April is just as joyous!
