journal22

Entry #22: The Second Step

Friday November 6th, 1992

    As I sit here in the lobby of Kaiser Hospital, basking in the warm rays of the sun through the sunroof windows, I feel strangely at ease. I came into the building in the full swing of a depression cycle. But after doing tests for my heart (Electrocardiogram and all) and filling out a psychiatric evaluation form I feel as though the despair was shoved to the back burner. I still feel out of touch with reality a bit, but at the same time I feel serene. Maybe the cycle is breaking again. I could use the rest.

     This cycle has been the worst for many years, and I feel like it�s still not over. With this last onslaught, I have faced things I never experienced before. Most notably the overwhelming desire to kill people in authority. Not all authority figures, only those who seem to feel they are better than the other guy or who possess a strong sense of arrogance. The other thing I experienced was the distinct feeling of waking up INTO a nightmare.

     I feel as though I am in danger of losing control. I only hope I can keep from doing something rash. My biggest fear is that the next cycle will be even worse and that I will lose control. Oh well, I hope the people at Kaiser can help.
                                                                                                                                             ~FIN

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