One of the main reasons for my ever changing moods is in the fact that Allen is now living here. I try so hard to tell my heart that we�re just friends. I care about him so much and I would never do anything to push him away from me. But how could I not be in love with him? He is so caring himself and he has such a good heart that I can�t help but want to be close to him. Sometimes it hurts SO bad because he doesn�t feel the same way about me. I want so much to tell him how I feel, but I am too afraid that he will take it wrong and end up avoiding me.
It is just so hard to keep my feeling inside. Not being able to show him how I really feel is what hurts me the most. I know that if I told him I would only open myself up to the biggest heartache I would ever have. One that would probably take years to mend. More years of lonely sorrow. He told me last night that he might move in with someone else, and that alone was enough to make me feel so rejected that I almost cried. It�s not that I couldn�t handle total rejection, it�s just the years of rebuilding my life that scares me. After all, I�m still not fully recovered from Jim. And that�s been almost 2 years now.
I know he�s not gay and probably never could be, but at least I can imagine what it would be like to hold him and let him know how I feel. And I can�t help but fantasize what it would be like to kiss him with real feelings of love. Sex is not important or necessary, but I know it would be wonderful. Although physical pleasures don�t even come close to the true feelings of love and the feelings you get when you can just sit and hug and kiss someone and release all of those feelings of love. No other feelings can match them.
I pray to God sometimes to make me stop feeling this way because I am only hurting inside by not being able to show how I feel, but I feel it just getting stronger and stronger. I guess he just doesn�t hear me or maybe I am just supposed to feel this way so I can become stronger. I know I will never stop loving him, even if he goes away. He will always be in my heart as the person I have cared for and loved the most as long as I live. I only fear that I will never find anyone who even comes close to how wonderful and beautiful he is inside. I really, truly love him and I always will. Even if he refused to ever speak to me again.
I thank God for the knowledge that I will go to my grave knowing what true love is, even if it is only me who feels this way.
~FIN
