While I was growing up, sex was somewhat of an open issue. Not so much in direct communication terms, but in regard to visibility. Sexual banter was quite common in my house while growing up as was photographic imagery (pornography) and occasionally sex related paraphernalia. I had, like many young kids, walked in on my parents a time or two while they were, well� busy. I don�t really recall ever needing an explanation on anything. What I did not hear the adults talking about, I read in some of the materials around the house. And so, to me, sex was just another reality of existence. My father did seem to have the knack of making it seem like something nasty and dirty in the way he expressed it, but not in the �you shouldn�t do it� sort of way. Much more like reveling in the more carnal aspects of it. In other words, expressing lust.
In my pre-teen years my father would sometimes bring things up or question me regarding sexual issues, but it was always presented in a vulgar way. �Have you been playing stink finger with the girls?�, and talk like that. It had the effect of making sex seem shameful to me. What also fed into the whole shame factor was the fact that even at the age of seven or eight, I knew I was somehow different than other boys. I didn�t like looking or peeping at girls, but was fascinated and intrigued by men�s bodies. Of course, hearing from people how unacceptable and disgusting it was for men to be with other men is the shame factor that I am referring to here. And so, even though it was a fairly open topic, I tended to be very private about such things.
My first sexual encounters were around age eight with other boys my age. Our next door neighbors had a boy and a girl and the three of us went under their trailer and the girl pulled her dress up and started fiddling with her private parts. I remember being somewhat curious but mostly I remember feeling �grossed out�. But later that day we all went into my dad�s shed and played �touch in the dark�. I only felt compelled to touch the boy. Not long after that and between the ages of eight and twelve, my mom and us kids were staying at her friend�s house. (She left my dad for a very short time) They had several kids and one was a boy around my age. That night he and I got undressed and did everything short of actual penetration. It was my enjoyment and sense of thrill with this encounter that made me certain that I was not like the other boys.
I didn�t really understand the word gay or what it meant completely until I was in high school. By that time I had heard so much negative talk about it and witnessed so much ridicule and judgment concerning it that I simply did not acknowledge myself sexually. I just sort of repressed any feelings I had concerning it. There were times when I would sneak glances in the locker room as well as some minor and mostly innocent encounters, but overall sexuality did not play much of a role in those days. At least I thought. Repressing such things and not facing the Truth can do damage to a developing young mind. For me this was one of several factors which can be attributed to my long stretch of depression.
My first and only real relationship was when I was twenty years old. It�s a long, two year story that I won�t go into detail about it here. But it was my first coming out. I told my three best friends. They stopped talking to me for several months, partly because of one of them being very homophobic at the time, influencing the others, and partly because I was very adversarial about the whole thing and basically pushed them away. It was a time of growth and independence for me, and though my depression cycles had already started, I was having the time of my life. I was in love. What I came to understand much later though was that it was not so much love, but a need to be loved. And though I had become even more independent than I always had been in many ways, I became extremely dependent on the relationship. So, naturally when the relationship fell apart (like most clingy, needy relationships do), so did my life. The depression cycles became very intense.
My ideas about sex and love in those days were pretty much what they are today, but now I would say they are more spiritual than emotional. I had always believed in monogamy. I was never actually very sexual in physical regards. It was always more of a psychological thing for me. The whole idea of sharing yourself completely with someone. The binding of two souls. For the longest time I had some hang-ups about sex. Especially when Christ entered my life. I longed so much to serve my faith and for the most part my faith and my sexuality seemed irreconcilable. I even prayed to God to take it away from me so I could better serve him. But he didn�t. I finally came to dig for and uncover Truth regarding my own sexuality and faith and found that they both were a part of me and do not need to clash. The solution was with me all the time in my very ideas of what an intimate relationship should be.
Not long after my relationship with Jim ended I had a one night stand with a guy who knocked on my door one day. It meant nothing to me emotionally. It was simply fulfilling a physical desire. But it later made me realize what sex meant to me. In a word: Nothing. I discovered not then and there, but some time later, that sex without the spiritual and emotional bond really didn�t matter to me. When the full realization of this hit me years later, after many lessons that life taught me, I realized that sex as a leisure activity held no interest for me. Perhaps this is due in part that I have always seemed to have a very low sex drive to begin with. Still, I cannot dismiss the Truth that what little desire I do have is only felt for men. A woman simply does nothing for me sexually. I don�t know why this is so, but I am convinced that it was never a matter of choice. What is a matter of choice is what I do with this knowledge.
So would I ever marry or have sex with a woman? No. There would always be a part of me that I could not fully share with her. People deserve better than that. Would I ever have a one night stand again or engage in casual sex? Probably not. Unless my sex drive shoots way up I doubt it would ever happen again. Would I have a sexual relationship if I found a man I could truly love and share my life with? I believe so. I mean, all my parts work fine and if we both felt the emotional and spiritual connection, and if I felt in my heart, mind and spirit that it would not compromise my faith in God, I am sure I would. I can�t say with any certainty if such a relationship would be sinful in God�s eyes but I find it hard to believe that he would create me this way and not allow me at least the possibility of a complete, fulfilling relationship which would include physical intimacy. I think it�s a possibility. I guess I will only know for sure though when I am before him. But, perhaps this belief will never be fully tested. As of this writing I have been single for roughly 15 years. In all that time I only came close one time to having a relationship. But I came to know that while I felt a strong spiritual connection and a fondness for him, and indeed found him attractive, we were far too different in many regards for it to become a reality. That is detailed somewhat in my Journal entry for the month of October, 2000.
In the 15 years that I have been single I have only had one sexual encounter which is the one from October 2000. But even that was somewhat limited. Neither of us climaxed and it was limited to what could be termed foreplay and fellatio. Shortly into our second time �playing around� I came to realize there could be no real relationship in it and I simply lost interest. It became �just sex play� and things came to an end quickly after that. But read about that in the 2000 entries. I think Matt came into my life so I could learn these things about myself and find within myself the need for the balance between love, sex and desire. Within the structure of my faith plain, simple lust is sinful. So if I am to sin by weakness of the flesh I will not involve someone else. What little desire I have is easily satisfied by fantasy and masturbation. If I am to be judged by God for that then I am only responsible for myself and my own shortcomings. But if there is that desire and it rests on the foundation of love, joy and connection of spirit then I will take that chance with another. It is something I do not take lightly. And even if it is God�s will that I am to remain single the rest of my life, never having found that one special man to share my life with, my life will still have no less meaning. For God�s love is without comparison, and so long as I live to walk the path he would have me tread, I feel that love.
Added on October 10th, 2002 (Edited on June 15th, 2003)
Further insights through my studies of the Bible recently, thus far have me believing that I will indeed be living a life of Solitude. I suppose questions still remain on this topic and so I ask the Holy Spirit to guide me in these matters. What I found over the last few days is as follows:
Leviticus 18:22 &20:13 Both refer to laws and punishments exacted on those that Moses led out of Egypt. These commands are clear, but I believe they were meant for those people and no longer apply to us today. For if we were to follow one of those laws then we must follow them all. If that were the case we would be forbidden to have tatoos (Lev. 19:28), wear many of the clothes made these days (Lev. 19:19) or to eat pork or shellfish (Lev. 7-12) among others. There are also of course the references to Sodom and Gomorrah in Genesis 18 & 19, but the intentions of those sinner's hearts seemed to be the main problem with God in my opinion. This is what I have found in the Old Testament. But then I go to Romans 7:6 which states we are released from the old written code and bound by the new code of the Spirit through Christ which seems to support my views that the old ways are for the past. So what does the New Testament have to say about this subject?.
I searched the Gospels and the account of Jesus's life and could find nothing that he stated specifically or in his own words about homosexuality. So I looked beyond into the remaining books of the new testament. In his letters to the Romans and the Corinthians Paul states things in this matter. From Paul's words in Romans 1:24 &1:27 and I Corinthians 6:9 it would seem to make it clear that homosexual acts are against God's will. But if so, because I have sinned in this regard am I to be forever damned? By no means. For also in I Corinthians (6-11) it testifies that I am washed clean through the blood of Christ. I also find it a bit puzzling when he says shortly afterward in I Corinthians 6:12 that everything is permissable for me, but not everything is beneficial, while still on the topic of sexual immorality. I must look further into this one.
So to this point, this would appear to be God's will in the matter. I remember in the early days of my path to follow him I asked that he take this burden from me. I asked many times but this prayer was never answered. What he did grant me was to take nearly all of my lustful desires away. I always have had a fairly low sex drive, but as I strove evermore to follow him and do his will it has become practically non-existent. I guess that is his answer for me. Perhaps not everyone else, for I can only come to know his will for me. If this is indeed his will then there must be some reason I am to remain gay and serve him. I can live with a life of solitude, never knowing the fulfillment of those physical and emotional desires. It is a sacrafice I would gladly make for God to serve him. And I will gladly suffer the burdens of judgement that others would place upon me in their ignorance or fear concerning my faith OR my sexuality, for I know that the God I serve is True. As Paul expresses in II Corinthins 12:8-10, God's power is made perfect in my weakness and I will gladly proclaim all my shortcomings to glorify his grace through the death of Jesus to save all who have sinned.
So in closing, I can accept a life of being single. If that is God's will for me then so be it. But who knows where further study and the spirit will lead me. I know I would never settle for being with someone just for the sake of feeling any need for a relationship (which I don't feel that need). But perhaps if that one in a million fellow came along who was not only also gay, but whose beliefs were near my own, could challenge me to help me grow (& vice versa), felt similar enough with me about sex issues with a mutual attraction between us AND it caused no conflict within my spirit or conscience then I would take that as God's approval and perhaps give it a shot. I think that's a real long shot however, and I'm not holding my breath. For if it is meant to be, it will find me and touch my heart and soul.
Added Friday September 17th, 2004
Some brief additions concerning further studies of the bible in this area. It has been a while since I came to these further understandings, but procrastination has prevented me from adding it here until now. But of course, better late than never. :-)
While I believe that there is always room for further growth and understanding in any area of life where God's will for us is concerned, I believe I have reached a basic, final conclusion of this area through study of God's word.
I primarily study the Bible from the NIV version/translation. I find it easiest to understand and well researched for our time. There are others that I often refer to however, and it is because of these references that I have come to seek deeper Truths in this matter. The English language is complex to say the least. And translating from one language to any other language opens the door to possible inaccuracies. Here are a few examples of what I mean in the examination of various translations regarding this topic as shown in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 and my postulations of each one:
NIV version:
1 Corinthians 6
9Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
Male Prostitutes/Homosexual offenders: I find myself wondering if there is a difference between homosexuals and homosexual offenders. Is it the same difference between Heterosexuals and heterosexual offenders? I can see no logical difference.
New American Standard version:
1 Corinthians 6
9 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor [1] effeminate, nor homosexuals, 10 nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.
Footnotes
[1]I.e. effeminate by perversion
Effeminate/Homosexuals: This version states simply homosexuals. This interpretation would be pretty straight forward. Where the NIV says only homosexuals which commit offensive acts will not inherit God's kingdom, the NAS version states plainly that all homosexuals will not.
King James Version:
1 Corinthians 6
9 Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, 10 Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.
Effeminate/abusers of themselves with mankind: I find this interpretation to be highly ambiguous and unclear. But still, it refers to a state of behavior like the NIV, and not simply a state of being as the NAS seems to.
There are many translations, but I think these examples make my point. I realized by comparing various interpretations that the meaning was indeed unclear and open to individual translation. This led me to further research into the language that such passages were originally written in, namely Hebrew and Greek. So I consulted an online Lexicon and researched other texts in which specific words appeared. I found in regards to the above verse there are two words in the Greek language that are used. arsenokoith/arsenokoites and malakos.
Arsenokoites: Noun Masculine 1. One who lies with a male as with a female, sodomite, homosexual
Malakos: Adjective 1. soft, soft to the touch
2. metaphor. in a bad sense
a. effeminate
1.of a catamite
2.of a boy kept for homosexual relations with a man
3.of a male who submits his body to unnatural lewdness
4.of a male prostitute
I kept in mind that even these were translations and therefore sought out examples of these words used in differeing texts. In a link provided by a friend I found some interesting reading on this subject. I will not repeat all that information here, but rather, here are links to the two pages of that site which are interesting in their presentation:
http://www.whosoever.org/bible/corin.html
http://www.whosoever.org/bible/tim.html
This information seems valid and reasonable and admits different possibilities. We do not know in our day and age the exact context and meaning of these words at the original time of their use. I try to imagine the confusion that may ensue 2000 years from now by future scholars in trying to interpret some of the words we use today. For example, imagine them coming across words like "bad" or "cool" where they is used as slang. They would come across "bad" as meaning something negative, but in other examples it might be seen to be the opposite and mean something positive. Then there is the word "gay" which originally meant "happy/joyous". In recent times it came to have a new meaning as well which of course means "homosexual" and is now the dominant interpretation as opposed to it's other meaning a mere hundred or less years ago.
So with all this study and research, I come to the conclusion that in reality, we may never really know by way of interpretation/translation of language what God's precise will is in this matter. Does the Bible mean homosexuals by definition? Does it mean those who commit homosexual acts? Or was it referring to specific groups of people engaging in individual practices in those times which related to Idol worship? We honestly can't say for certain and it will always be open to interpretation.
And so I must look within my own faith in God and ask the Holy Spirit for insight and guidance on this matter. And it tells me what it has all along and what I state above in previous views on this topic. It tells me that BEING homosexual by nature does not exclude me from God's gift of grace and salvation (1 Corinthians 6:11 and John 3:16). It does speak to me to tell me that selfish or purely lustful behavior does not lead to his promise. And that which I feel as true is the belief that a committed, loving, gay relationship that honors and serves God is indeed a possibility, just as any other. This is what the Holy Spirit imparts upon my faith.
Could I be wrong? Certainly. But it is my faith and my salvation that is discussed here. It is the gift given to me to search for my own understanding of Truth. I would not tell anyone else how they should think or believe. I simply attempt to share my views and beliefs as one example out of countless others. I am but a single voice in the choir of life, and each has it's own specific tone and pitch. But even with these differences, and in fact because of them, we may all raise our voices in song to achieve a beautiful sense of harmony if we can only learn to sing together.
