Labels
So, what is it that has convinced me to
choose one label over another. I've heard many people say that really,
that's all it is, a label, so don't worry about it. You are who you
are, it doesn't matter what you call yourself. In fact, you don't
need to call yourself anything, it's just that society likes to impose
artificial categories on people. Well, I partially agree with that
view, you shouldn't be forced to identify yourself by a label, but unfortunately
this seems to be the way that society works. I tried just to accept
my feelings, gay and straight, and not worry about what to call them, just
that they were part of who I am, but it didn't work for me. This
view does seem to work for some people, but not me. I'm haven't quite
got it figured out why, but I think it has something to do with the difference
between acknowledging my feelings and truly owning my feelings and being
okay with them as part of who I am. Like the difference between saying
"something happened to me" and "this is who I am." In the end, I
can't say I like labels, but they seem necessary for me.
Am I Bi or Gay?
Ultimately, the question that must be
answered for me, and other's I suspect, is what is the gender of the person
who I will be happy spending the rest of my life with? In the long
term, who do you think will make you happiest? And the answer I got
back from myself was that I think I'd rather be with a guy. If I
said the gender wasn't important, and I could be equally happy with either,
then I would consider myself bi. The true is, I do think I would
also be happy in a relationship with a women, but I don't think I would
be as happy. So, at some level I do still consider myself
bi. I find a few women attractive and I do feel relatively certain
I could be happy in a relationship with the right women. However,
and this is what has convinced me the label gay is slightly more appropriate,
I notice a lot more attractive men and I feel relatively certain I would
be even happier in a relationship with a man than a women. Another
question I asked myself is who do I think I'll end up being with, and the
answer again was with another guy and not a women. It goes back to
what I said a year ago in my first part, that sexual orientation to me
is a continuum and I guess I've come to realize more precisely in the past
year where I fall on that continuum. If someone asked me if I was
bi, I would say there is some truth in that, but ultimately, I feel gay
is more correct.
Accepting Myself
This has certainly
not been easy or quick and it continues to this day. Some people
seem to be able to just realize they're gay or bi and be okay with it and
completely open about it in a relatively short period of time. For
others, like myself, it is a long process taking several years. I
have some ideas about why accepting who I am has taken me so long and what
things help that progress. First, I'm the type of person that worries
a lot about what other's think of me. I need other people's acceptance.
It's something I'm trying to change, but the result is that some part of
me fears that being different in this often unacceptable way jeopardizes
my acceptance from others. Part of me tries to fit in a be "normal"
however useless, child-like and unhealthy an attitude I know that to be.
Second, I'm also a conservative person by nature, and being gay often appears
to conflict with this trait, although in reality I don't think it does.
As for how to help one's acceptance, I have found meeting other gay and
bi people to be extremely helpful. Being able to interact with people
completely accept that you're bi or gay and not have to worry about their
reaction to this fact (and who are usually very happy you're gay also)
is a very comforting experience. Also, the knowledge that there are
other people like yourself who live normal, happy lives is helpful.
And the final step I think, although I'm still working on this one, is
being able to tell your friends and parents proudly this other aspect of
who you are. This last step to me is related to not being ashamed
of who I am, for why else in a equal relationship (i.e. you're not dependent
on them) would we hide something about ourselves from those we love unless
we're ashamed of it?
If you've read this far, you may be curious to know more about who I am from this brief biography.
So what do you think about what I wrote? I've been getting lots of email from people telling me that they've felt very similar. How about sharing what you think by adding to my guestbook so that everyone will know they're not alone. Sign Guestbook View Guestbook
If you want to talk about what I've written you can also email me at [email protected] although I prefer if you share your thoughts in my guestbook for others to read (you don't have to leave your name or email if you don't want.).
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