Judgement Day


Part One


't was the day after Armageddon,
Oh, how I remember that day well;
I was sitting at my reporter's desk
Of the periodic "Heaven 'n' Hell".

I saw Gabriel, the Chief Archangel,
Climb to the top of Mount Everest
And the view from its lofty summit
Was, of all other mountains the best.

It had been decided some time back,
Because Mount Everest was so high,
To bestow on it the prominence
That had once been given to Sinai.

And from its majestic summit Gabe
Shout'd out this command: " Hey! You lot!
Wake up! You've an appointment with God,
All you wasters who were left to rot."

"Get out of your graves you lazy bunch
Be they on the earth or in the sea,
And all those who were cremated
Pick-up your ashes and report to me."

"And those of you who have been buried
Longer than a couple thousand years
Are to wash yourselves thoroughly first
'fore your smell reduces me to tears."

"Perfume the sinews you still have left
And smear your bones with deodorant,
For the odour that you now exude
Can hardly be described as fragrant."

"And those of you now reduced to dust
Shall be given more time to dust off,
But the rest will be ready by nine
In the main Mess Hall, to get your scoff."

"Once you have eaten you'll be taken
Straight into the Great Hall of Judgement;
And I do not want to hear from you,
A single word or funny comment."

"You shall assemble, in single file,
In the Courtyard which is fully walled,
And you shall step forward one by one
When your name on yonder roll is called."

"Take-up your places by date of death,
The older first, the younger behind;
And killers, thieves and politicians
Shall not mix with any other kind."

"Right! Off you go, you bunch of losers,
Go and find out what your fate will be;
And to whatever place you are sent
Try make the best of your destiny."


Part Two


The Hall was packed with dignitaries
Each betting on the accused fate;
Satan with his dev'lish entourage 
Made his entrance through the bottom gate.

Wearing a bright red asbestos suit
And a crown of fire upon his head,
He sat on the left side of God's throne
Which, when requir'd, doubled as a bed.

At twelve o'clock the Triad entered:
Father first, the Son next, then the Ghost.
God sat on the throne, Son to His right,
And Ghost hovered from pillar to post.

God look'd over the great throng and spoke
These words to that immense multitude:
"Gentlemen, we are gather here to judge
The defendants' earthly attitude."

"Were they followers of my precepts
Or did they hold them in derision?
And in accordance with divine law
We shall formulate our decision."

"My Son shall be the prosecutor
And their defence counsel all in one,
Ghost here will pronounce the sentence
As soon as the proceedings are done."

Then, turning to the Son, He nodded
As a sign that he could now begin
And the Son then got up and started
By itemizing their every sin.

Murder, arson, theft, rape and lies too
Were shown for everybody to see
On a huge screen on the ceiling,
Which also greatly impressed me.

The picture quality was perfect,
The sound effects both clear and strong,
While the scrolling text at the bottom
Emphasized what they had done wrong.

At length he would describe every crime
In vivid tones and great emotion,
And how they had contemptuously spurn'd
His sacrifice and his devotion.

He ended with these words: "Oh Father,
I was crucified at Calvary
And all that these wretches had to do
To save their souls was to call on me."

"None did! The agony I went through.
God, the pain I suffered, the abuse:
I'd cast them into the 'Lake of Fire' 
For I find them to be of no use.

Part Three


All the Angels burst into applause
While the Saints rose from their places
But as the sentence was to be pass'd
Someone said: "A moment, Your Graces!"

Everybody looked towards the area
From where this unknown voice had rung
And in utter amazement they saw
That the Devil to his feet had sprung.

He bowed to God and smiled at the Son
And gave the Spirit a casual glance,
And the whole assembly fell silent
As if they had been put in a trance.

Even the devils present were stunn'd
At their own Master's temerity
And, in shock, they kept wriggling their hands
While Old Nick address'd the Trinity.

"A 'Guilty' verdict, as I see it,
Is justified if their behaviour
Went against God's heavenly nature
And the true motives of the Saviour."

"If I may bring to light past events,
And call as my witness History
I shall contend that those here accused
Have follow'd God's precepts faithfully."

"On the charge of murder I recall
That the slaughter of the Canaanites
Was carried out on God's instructions
To Jehoshua and the Israelites."

"On the charge of arson I shall bring
Sodom and Gomorrha to the stand;
The sons of Eli and others too,
Who were burnt to cinders by God's hand."

"On theft, can I now bring to your minds
The plunder of their foster nation,
Egypt, by Moses, Aaron & Co.
Prompted by divine revelation?"

"Rape was inflicted on the captives
During Israel's wars of conquest,
Where women were shared by every man
And God got his portion like the rest."

"And as far as the charge of lies goes
What of "lying spirits" that were sent,
By God, into the prophets of old?
Wasn't that also a shameful event?"

"Now let's turn to the crucifixion,
Of which we have heard so much about;
It was not meant for all, for we read
Only his people were singled out."

"And he spoke in parables, we note,
So that most of them would not come in;
Are we then to accept that his death
Was designed to redeem every sin?"

"Talking of sin. Please make up your minds
On the correct punishment for crime:
The 'lake of fire', or 'outer darkness'?
I can't be in both at the same time."

"And so, my friends, I shall rest my case;
It's now up to you all to decide
If these people are really guilty
Of not, by God's examples, abide."


Part Four


Murmurs were heard from the hallow'd floor
When His Snakeship had finish'd his speech,
And some went so far as to suggest
That they the Trinity should impeach.

Amidst the clamour in the Great Hall
God spoke: "This tumult I shan't condone!
Let it be known that for the moment
I decided this judgment to postpone."

"Angels, clear the Hall! Son and Spirit!
See you in my chambers presently."
And that was the last time anyone
Has set eyes on the old Trinity.

And although there's no end to rumours
There's yet nothing concrete to report:
Still, lights were installed in the 'darkness',
And the 'lake' is used for water sport.

For now your "Heaven 'n' Hell" reporter
Is going on a short vacation.
Be back in an eon and a quarter
And will bring you more information.

You know my motto: "Never say die!
Till I return, I bid you good-bye."

Empangeni, January 2002.

(Modified 2003)

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